mum bought ticket to visit for 5 weeks after birth

[carlasberg]

my mum lives outside of the country and is very excited for the birth of her first grandchild. she's just bought a ticket for over a month without asking me first, coming in before my due date and leaving at least a month after. im quite stressed about it. we're very close and I love her very much, but she can be overbearing and not the most helpful, practically speaking (she's not the kind of person that will do our laundry or cook if I need it and doesn't speak the language or know many people here). maybe I should just be grateful for another set of hands to hold baby (though we were planning on hiring professional help), but not including me in her decision to visit doesn't instil a lot of confidence about how much she'll be willing to respond to my actual needs or desires or rules when she's here. she insists she did it because of COVID and all the uncertainties about quarantine etc., and says she doesn't plan to stay with us, but it is a lot to worry about, and I guess I'd like some reassurance we'll figure it all out.

Thats a lot when you have just given birth. My mum wanted to do the same, but I convinced her to come over 3 weeks after the birth when my DH went back to work. Honestly, you need the time to bond and sit with your tits out and your maternity pad on and spend time with your little family. I am VERY close to my mom, and I was worried how I would cope after the birth (I had PND on my first) but having the space to ourselves was invaluable, even if we were in need of someone to Hoover for us. I would speak to her, say you want her to come over, but you give the time you feel she would be most helpful. Therefore you arent turning her offer down, you are just more in control.

Argh I can't believe people are telling you just to welcome her. No no no. When your child is born you need to focus on your recovery, becoming confident and happy with your baby, and setting up a good dynamic where the dad is involved (not fleeing the house all the time because your mother is there). It does not sound like your mother's visit will facilitate this. You didn't agree to it and you still don't have to agree to it.

My PILs did the same thing (for three weeks) - booked without asking and then tried to deflect my objections by saying they would stay elsewhere. I told them to unbook and plan a shorter trip a couple of weeks after the birth. Massive fight and they ended up coming to the country anyway but mainly taking a holiday. It was still annoying because MIL kept phoning DH all the time as a sort of hint that they wanted to be at our place but I was shutting them out. But a million times better than having them actually here, pushing me out of my own kitchen, lecturing me on the cleaning, and stressing out my DH (who often has to go on anxiety meds when they visit!) when he should be focusing on his new child.

Will there be places open to accommodate her?

It sounds awful now but I think it'll be really valuable for you in the moment, especially if she's not living with you.
I didn't appreciate how much help we would benefit from in those first few weeks. I imagined us bunking down as a new family of 3 but my family are very, very supportive and I felt overwhelmed at the thought.
In reality, I was in such a newborn bubble that it was so nice to enjoy it and have other people worrying about what we'd eat and when etc.

Take it day by day and if in the moment it becomes too much, have the conversation then.

I'd be reluctant to turn down the idea/potential help when you don't know how much you might end up needing it.

Good luck op!

My parents in law came to see our firstborn two weeks after the birth. It was a caesarean and I while I was mostly fine I had a hematoma under the scar so not entirely straightforward. Was also trying to figure out breastfeeding. At the same time I was expected to join them on dinners and lunches out and a shopping trip for our wedding present.

They meant well and fortunately they stayed in a hotel but obviously as a first time mother I was not in the right frame of mind for any of it. It was a bit difficult.

Looking back, I still appreciate that they made the effort to come and see their new grandchild, and I feel that while the timing of the visit was far from ideal I still appreciate that hey were eager to see DC.

I am not very close with them and at the time I was pretty furious but what I am trying this say is that you might look back on this visit at some point and really appreciate how your mother made this effort to see you and her new grand baby.

Unless she's a British citizen or resident she can't travel here currently unless a tight lay specific set of reasons, seeing a new baby isn't one of them. She also needs to isolate on arrival for 2 weeks away from you. In other words you need to tell her she can't come

Yoi said you were looking at hiring professional help so could you frame it as "we were having a cleaner and someone to help with the cooking for the first month but feel it will be too many people here as you'll be here too. I assume you're happy to help out and understand I'm in no position to "host"?

@mootymoo

Unless she's a British citizen or resident she can't travel here currently unless a tight lay specific set of reasons, seeing a new baby isn't one of them. She also needs to isolate on arrival for 2 weeks away from you. In other words you need to tell her she can't come

Ooh yes, wait until Monday when BORIS SPEAKS and then explain all the reasons it can't happen. Unfortunately like many grandparents she is going to have to accept not "meeting" grandbaby for months

@carlasberg
Took me a long time to be an adult. I wasn’t being rude to you in case you thought I was!

I moved out at 18 and for close to 15 years when my mum said jump I asked how high even when I was running my own household. I even gave up my car for a week when they needed transport as at time they were living overseas. So I was carless for a week!

Use lockdown rules if you need to get out of it as if she is over here she can’t visit other people as she would be in your support bubble only.

Do you think you're over thinking it? If you're worried about looking after your twins and your mum's offering to help, why not let her. Sounds like you know she won't help with cleaning etc, get yourself a cleaner and have your mum around. It mat be easier for her to stay with you as having her visit is different to her being around and hopefully more supportive.

With my first, I wouldn't have dreamt of anything worse that my mum offering to stay, this time I'd bite her hand off!!

Will your mum have to do a 10 day quarentine on a hotel when she first arrives? That might make her stay a bit less for you? I'm also pregnant with twins and delighted when my mum said she will come and stay for the first month but I know she will help around the house with cleaning cooking and washing etc, if she wasn't going to help with that I would tell her not to be bothering! It's a tricky situation OP but hopefully with the pandemic she might not be able to come over.

Hi OP, congratulations on your twins. I posted a thread on a similar subject earlier this week, I got a big range of responses. Interesting to see people on this thread saying they wanted their mum nearby after giving birth as I felt like I mostly got responses saying to not have my overbearing mum and also saying “you’re a grown woman, can you not manage?”
Here’s the thread if you want to read. Slightly different as my Mum already lives nearby so doesn’t have the travelling element.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4167116-Feeling-a-bit-caught-between-DP-and-my-DMum-new-baby-on-the-way
Good luck