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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone else found their midwife a bit...sour?

37 replies

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 13:14

Please don’t think I’m trying to bash midwives at all as I think I just got really unlucky. I’m sure the majority are amazing.

I saw my midwife for the first time yesterday. I’m 35 (an older mum as she pointed out!) 10 weeks pregnant with my first, had a miscarriage in September.

I know she deals with pregnant women every day so I’m nothing special. She was just a bit...flat. I tried to ask for a bit of reassurance as I’d had a tiny bit of spotting and she said ‘well I can’t see inside of you can I?!’

I repeated myself a lot on several answers which wasn’t a big deal but wasn’t really feeling like she was listening. I had a previous health problem that could put me at high risk and the ‘score’ for this came out as 5, I asked what the 5 was out of, and she said she didn’t know

She was going to take a blood test and took one look at the veins in my arms and said ‘that’s not even worth trying, that’s ridiculous!’ and sent me up the hospital to get it done.

I guess I’m just wondering if I’m expecting too much 😂 it just all felt a bit odd. She didn’t ask about any symptoms I’d had or how I was feeling. Should she have done? I just wondered if anyone wanted to compare notes!

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MyGoMargot · 17/02/2021 13:20

She sounds miserable! Sorry you had that experience and congratulations on your pg 💐

lunapeace · 17/02/2021 13:21

It's time for her to get a new job really. I would have told her she is rude. Especially if you have been spotting.

archery50 · 17/02/2021 13:24

She sounds like one that I had 10 years ago. Didn't have a clue who I was and kept calling me by a different name. Didn't explain anything and was just pretty rude!

MyGoMargot · 17/02/2021 13:24

Yes I would be thinking burn out and time to move on...

If you’re feeling like you can be arsed, an email to the service might be useful as a way of providing some feedback? There’s a chance it could then be addressed in supervision with her

Chelyanne · 17/02/2021 13:29

Sounds like she was having a bad day. Not the most professional of appointments, it's rare you get one like that though. Hopefully next time you'll have a better experience.

I have encountered some not very tactful medical professionals in my time. My 1st miscarriage the GP told me I should be grateful I wasn't further along (I was 12wk). I was speechless! Swapped surgeries not long after.

Moominmiss · 17/02/2021 13:30

Really sorry that that’s been your experience so far. I think you were definitely unlucky. Will she be the midwife you see throughout your pregnancy? Or is there a pool of midwives and it’s luck of the draw?

At my surgery it’s just the one midwife and you see her the entire way through. Thankfully she’s lovely, if a bit ditsy lol. But even as an older mum (38) she didn’t make me feel any less special. I think if I had your experience I’d struggle with seeing her again.

It might be that she was just having an off day perhaps.

Try not to take it to heart. But perhaps see if there’s a way you can give some constructive feedback!

Bluebellberry · 17/02/2021 13:33

She sounds absolutely dreadful, can you ask for a different one or to see a doctor instead moving forward? The fact she didn’t care about the spotting is . Spotting is probably just a hormone fluctuation, but surely she should explain that or give other reasons of why its common (as it happened to me too and was worrying but all was fine) .
You need someone caring and reassuring, not someone who makes you feel like an inconvenience.

Original poster

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 14:06

Ok thanks everyone!

Yeah I was a bit surprised but I have the blue folder and seem to have the right tests booked and paperwork in order so I wasn’t sure if I was being a bit precious! I’ve obviously been googling spotting like a madwoman and scaring myself stupid so I was hoping for a bit of a firm professional opinion on that to make me feel a bit calmer scoot it!

She said they try to keep continuity with the midwife but might change depending on availability. Fingers crossed

OP posts:

RandyGiles06 · 17/02/2021 14:16

Oh dear she doesn’t sound very nice! With my first DC my first midwife was like this, everything seemed like an inconvenience and she was very annoyed that I had the audacity to be overweight! Thankfully she left and a lovely new midwife replaced her for the second half of my pregnancy. Perhaps you could ask for a swap if there’s more than one at your surgery?

PatchworkElmer · 17/02/2021 14:23

My midwife randomly went like this for one appointment- she was so awful that I cried on the way home! I think they sometimes forget that pregnant women tend to see each appointment as another little milestone/ something to aim for.

Anyway she was back to ‘normal’ at the next appointment and still stops to chat now if I see her around the village! In hindsight she must have been having a ‘bad day at the office’ that day.

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 17/02/2021 14:37

She sounds like a bully. Given your history, your in a pretty vulnerable place. I hope for you and other women's sakes she was having a bad day.

UnCoffreDor · 17/02/2021 15:28

Hope you end up with a more caring mw! Anyone can have a bad day, but when dealing with the public, patients etc... You must remain professional, that's a basic. If I was in your position, I'd try to get another one, explaining that this one made me feel uneasy, didn't respond to questions etc.. Being pregnant is a vulnerable and stressful time, an unhelpful mw would be the last thing needed!

Suite88 · 17/02/2021 16:41

I'm sorry you had this experience, it is a stressful time. It sounds like she would be friends with the sonographer I saw for my 12 week scan.

I'd had bleeding and explained this before the scan. She was silent as she did the scan so I asked if the baby was ok to which she replied she wasn't a miracle worker!

The baby was fine by the way and I thankfully had a much more pleasant sonographer for the 20 week scan.

Jobsharenightmare · 17/02/2021 16:50

Some horrible examples of poor care on here. I report anyone with shit bedside manner personally and encourage patients relatives to do the same. Complaints are the only way my colleagues stop taking out their bad days on patients and find better ways of coping or (more often) retire!

BlueTimes · 17/02/2021 16:52

I know she deals with pregnant women every day so I’m nothing special.

Even so, part of her job is to look after you and it sounds like she failed to do that. I’d call your GP/EPU and ask if you can have a referral for an early scan due to spotting. I hope all is ok.

WombatChocolate · 17/02/2021 16:55

There's a difference between being a bully, or needing rudeness pointing out, and just being a bit miserable.

I agree that midwife appointments are a big deal for pregnant women and they often count down to them. They are excited and feel cold water is thrown on it by someone who isn't cheerful. I think midwives do know this, but it's hard to remain cheerful and positive all day every day. I think we have to be realistic.

There is a real difference between encountering someone who is outright rude or bullying and someone who just doesn't seem enthusiastic about what they are doing.

Yes, come away thinking 'would have been nice if she was more enthusiastic' but given everything's been done that was needed and is in order, plus there's nothing beyond a lack of cheerfulness to report, just move on.

Original poster

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 16:56

I’m too chicken to get a private scan incase there’s something awfully wrong and they don’t know how to tell me my GP said he would arrange if spotting continued but it hasn’t appeared for a week, so I’m praying it’s just hormonal changes like a PP suggested. No other worries except the daily crushing anxiety....

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/02/2021 16:57

Like all professions, there are good ones and bad ones.

I experienced a total bitch midwife with my first. She was fucking awful - a real little Napoleon who was so nasty it took my breath away. She left me in tears more than once when I'd just had a c-section.

Yet I also met other midwives who were completely wonderful and lovely.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I wish I had told the bitch-from-hell one to buck up her ideas or stay well away from me.

Squish3 · 17/02/2021 17:03

@SmidgenofaPigeon She sounds like a joy OP 🙄 hopefully she was just having an off day!

I put in a complaint and requested a different one after meeting my allocated community midwife 🙈 first face to face appt at 25 weeks due to covid (she hadn’t done my booking app or anything over the phone - they were done by someone else). I sit down and she asks “Where is your written birth plan?”. I explain I haven’t done one yet as only 25 weeks and was under the impression it was something her and I talked through together so I was waiting until I’d met her (FTM and that’s what it said in my notes folder so that’s what I thought happened 🤷🏻‍♀️). She replied - “right, well let me tell you, I seen in your notes from booking that your parents had stillborn - your lack of acknowledgement of your own pregnancy won’t make it any easier if it does happen to you too” 😳 I was fuming!
I was 25 weeks pregnancy, had definitely acknowledged my pregnancy, had just never met a midwife and had no idea what I was supposed to do for a birth plan 🙈
She then went MIA and kept cancelling my appointments and not returning calls so I requested a change. She was absolutely useless!

Poppins2016 · 17/02/2021 17:08

Goodness, your midwife does sound a bit miserable!

The problem with any service like this is that you either click or you don't. To be honest, I'd ask to switch midwives (if you don't want to ask directly, you can probably contact a supervisor via your hospital).

I actually had an appointment with a stand in midwife today and found she rubbed me up the wrong way for no good reason (she didn't do anything wrong, we just didn't click).
In our trust they aim to provide continuity of care and you see the same two midwives who are on a rotation between community and MLU/labour ward. The aim is that one of the midwives you see (and get to know) in the community will hopefully deliver your baby, shifts permitting. I was very pleased that my stand in wasn't one of the midwives who would potentially deliver my baby as I just couldn't see myself relaxing and being comfortable with her during delivery!

Luckyelephant1 · 17/02/2021 17:11

I get so sad when I read of how people, mainly women, try to rationalise poor treatment eg 'I know she deals with pregnant women every say so I'm nothing special' (I'm not bashing OP as I'd have had similar thoughts) but I feel like men would never think this way and actually would never be treated this way in the first place. Unfortunately you always get some women who treat other women terribly. I've been talked down to during this pregnancy too and sometimes I think, if it was my husband sitting here instead of me would he have been talked to like that? The answer is probably not and it makes me so angry.

Midwives chose this job for a reason, they are well aware how important and special each appointment is for every pregnant woman and they should be able to muster up enthusiasm and good bedside manner accordingly. This one sounds like an utter bitch. I'd definitely complain. Things like spotting can be so worrying, if you can't ask her then who the hell can you ask!

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2021 17:20

I had one like this in the hospital and I still remember her over twenty years later. She was just horrible, constantly making snappy bitchy little comments. Of course you’re very vulnerable at that time and it’s hard to take. She upset me several times.

I then saw her at the supermarket a couple of years later. And she was just some little saddo in an anorak, ill fitting clothes and bad hair. She looked at me and froze, we made eye contact, I just looked her up and down with visible disgust and turned away.

I don’t give a fuck what’s going on in your life, you shouldn’t be on a ward if you can’t behave with basic fucking human decency.

WombatChocolate · 17/02/2021 17:21

But we need a bit of balance here too. Calling someone a bitch or a bully, or making a complaint need to be based on actual evidence.

Lack of cheerfulness isn't a cause for these.

Why can't people muster some balance when looking at these things? We would all love a cheerful midwife who is as enthusiastic as we are about our pregnancy and who clicks with us on a personal level. This is askimg too much. And if we don't get it isn't a cause for complaint or

Fridainexile · 17/02/2021 17:23

Request a different one.

Fridainexile · 17/02/2021 17:31

Well being cheerful is not an essential part of being a midwife. In fact I’ve felt safer with the ones who are not all faux excitement and chatting about names. I’ve suffered losses, and found appointments fairly nerve wracking . I quite liked the straight talking, no nonsense matronly type.
But..... not offering reassurance to a woman concerned about spotting is dreadful. It’s not so much a matter of personality as one of emotional intelligence. And that is an essential trait for a midwife really.
She sounds crap.

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