Anyone else found their midwife a bit...sour?

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

Please don’t think I’m trying to bash midwives at all as I think I just got really unlucky. I’m sure the majority are amazing.

I saw my midwife for the first time yesterday. I’m 35 (an older mum as she pointed out!) 10 weeks pregnant with my first, had a miscarriage in September.

I know she deals with pregnant women every day so I’m nothing special. She was just a bit...flat. I tried to ask for a bit of reassurance as I’d had a tiny bit of spotting and she said ‘well I can’t see inside of you can I?!’

I repeated myself a lot on several answers which wasn’t a big deal but wasn’t really feeling like she was listening. I had a previous health problem that could put me at high risk and the ‘score’ for this came out as 5, I asked what the 5 was out of, and she said she didn’t know

She was going to take a blood test and took one look at the veins in my arms and said ‘that’s not even worth trying, that’s ridiculous!’ and sent me up the hospital to get it done.

I guess I’m just wondering if I’m expecting too much 😂 it just all felt a bit odd. She didn’t ask about any symptoms I’d had or how I was feeling. Should she have done? I just wondered if anyone wanted to compare notes!

I'd say refusing to answer a worried woman's question about spotting, which is not silly question to ask, isn't just 'a lack of cheerfulness' tbh.

Of course things need to be looked at in a balanced way. I too prefer not be talked to in an airy fairy way but refusing to answer such questions when it's your job to do that is worthy of feeding back to her supervisors at least.

Sounds like shes fed up of her job - absolutely no excuse to be so rude. Theres plenty of health care professionals who do want to be midwives, and who are friendly and welcoming, she should step aside and make room for those kinds of people. I had a mixture of lovely midwives and some absolute miserable ones. I'm hoping this time I get a lovely one 😁 maybe switch doctors surgeries if shes such a cow? Xx

Are you in a city? If so the chance that you'll see the same one again is minimal. Fingers crossed you get a kinder bedside manner at your next check up xx

Looking back at the Op's post, I agree that this probably wasn't just a lack of cheerfulness.

Not answering sensible questions or providing access to a way to get the answers isn't helpful.

I remember having a midwife, and at a 30 week+ appointment, saying something to her about the risks now being lower of miscarriage. She responded by saying she had seen people miscarry right up until the very last minute and nothing was ever safe. I was a bit taken aback. I think actually it's quite hard for midwives because they are often asked for reassurances they can't give. Women want to be told their pregnancy will all proceed well or that there is nothing to worry about, but they cannot actually give this reassurance. It would be wrong to do so.

It's really hard to make an accurate comment on the Ops scenario as we don't know exactly what she said and if she asked direct questions or raised very specific worries that were fobbed off or ignored. If they were, that wouldn't be acceptable. However, vague mentioning of spotting from a while earlier or questions that simply cannot be answered, might not result in anything very precise being said or being possible. Mentioning what to do if spotting happens again, would have been useful and reassuring to know...doesn't sound like that info was offered but it's hard to know.

I know 2 midwives and they say women are experiencing huge huge anxiety at the moment. ....they are always anxious but the queries and phone calls far exceed what is usual and many many want to be called in for checking over things that midwives wouldn't call them in for. I guess there's a balance between being reassuring and empathetic and giving information and moving onto the next person in a busy queue. One of the things midwives are trained to do it so make judgements about worries and concerns.

I wouldn't worry about it. She won't be delivering your baby. It's all life admin.

@Luckyelephant1 you’re so right! She had a very young woman with her on placement too and I felt sorry for her- I was trying to be e tea compliant for he benefit as well and not cause too much fuss but actually in hindsight I should have pushed her to be more informative with me. But then DH pointed out later that she wasn’t exactly going to gush and say oh no of course spotting doesn’t mean you’ll have a miscarriage because then what if I do have one? He is right, she can’t offer any definite answers. Definitely felt like I should have been a little more assertive and pushed for more info though.

I’m in London so very glad to hear I probably won’t see the same one regularly. Don’t think she’s part of my surgery, she’s from the local maternity hospital but they do appointments at a children’s centre here.

I’m really sorry to hear some of you have had shocking experiences with maternity staff too! Some are truly awful.

@WombatChocolate I have been more anxious than I’d like definitely with the previous miscarriage and whether or not I’ll be deemed high risk (so will affect the way I can give birth, more tests etc) however I definitely wouldn’t be hounding my midwife for every worry, I know that’s not reasonable!

My HV is as the same. Just unpleasant. I considered asking to change and was advised against it, so just avoided her after that. It happens.

My lovely female GP told me that if I had any problems with my midwife that I could have all my checks with her as she was a qualified midwife. I was confused with the offer... until I met the midwife.

She was astoundingly rude and told me I had to have a blood test to prove my (now ex) DP was the father of my child (he was sitting next to me at the time). When I asked how a blood test from ME would prove that HE was the father she backed off mumbling. All very strange. And scarily dangerous! How did she know that my EXDP wouldn't knock the living daylights out of me and accuse me of cheating, based on her ridiculous comments?!

She hated older mothers - said it was selfish as the child would have no siblings. As I was having a very much longed for miracle baby in my 40s I was a little shocked. She also said 'how's THAT going to work when my EXDP said he worked an hour and a half away. She was full of vile and nasty comments. Dreadful woman. I met 2 other mums along the way who had similar experiences with her.

I went to my lovely GP after my 3rd awful midwife appointment. I told GP what she had said, she was appalled.

Don't put up with her crap OP - this is a special time and you should be made to feel comfortable and excited about your pregnancy. Get another midwife; there are plenty who will be more than happy to support you through your pregnancy.

Congratulations on your baby

@Oblomov21 if you don't mind me asking, why were you advised against changing hv?

I had this not with my community midwife but one of the midwives on the post natal ward. I first 'met her' after my first son was born nearly 2 years ago.. I gave birth to twins in December, I was behind my curtain so didn't see her face but all of a sudden I heard a familiar voice (very strong Irish accent and had a familiar tone to it) and my heart sank. She made the feeding of my first son really stressful and again with my twins, so much so that I actually said something this time after asking for help from one of the health care assistants with feeding one twin while I fed the other and burst into tears over it. The midwife in question had basically put herself in charge of my twins and specifically one of them claiming as 'her twin' every time she walked past me every 2 hours I'll be there to feed ' my baby' in a minute etc. Well the HCA spoke to the senior midwife in charge and she would distract her and tell her I was fine and she didn't need to help because I had the HCA helping me and we were doing ok as we were. She was still really full on and the other midwife ended up having to take her to the side and talk to her about how she had made me feel. (Like I was incapable of feeding my children, it didn't matter I had a nearly 2 year old who i have kept alive by myself because i hadn't had twins so it was totally different 😡) made me so angry and upset.
My partner said to me she had obviously been in the job since the beginning of time and her caring/bedside manner had obviously began to lack as she had been in the job so long and was too focused on the ticking box exercises of feeding etc rather than being a caring person and helping in a caring manor etc which I agree with. I hope (although doubt) after having to be spoken to about her delivery of care towards myself she may think about how she approaches her mothers in the future (I'm 29 so probably saw me as being young ish mum and so maybe didn't respect me as much as she should have done in her care delivery) sorry you have had the experience you've had. I hope you see someone different next time or if not I hope it was just a bad day for her - not that it is any excuse!
Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope it's going well xx

I had a "lively debate" with my community midwife about how I knew the baby was a franklin breech when she was insisting baby was 3/5ths engaged and all ready to pop out. That woman was bloody dangerous.