I don’t feel love or a connection to my unborn baby

[pixlilpep]

I don’t feel an attachment or love towards my unborn baby.
I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant. When I fell pregnant it was a shock but both my partner and I were happy. Him more so than me, he kept reassuring me this was a good thing and the right time etc.. I was scared but thought that feeling would disappear quickly, I also didn’t have a connection but I thought once I started to grow a bump, see scan pics etc I would automatically get that motherly instinct and begin to love or at least bond with her (she’s a girl). At the beginning of my second trimester my relationship with my partner suddenly broke down due to him lying. Pretty much leaving me to start my journey into motherhood living with my parents, which was never the plan!! Obviously I couldn’t trust him anymore so we separated. (There is a lot more details to the separation but thats another story) I would of never allowed myself to fall or stay pregnant if I thought I wouldn’t be staying with my partner. I’ve had no support from him emotionally, mentally, physically or financially throughout my entire pregnancy. I’ve had to buy and prepare everything on my own for this baby. I have a bump now and I still feel no connection or love towards her. I’m sure subconsciously a part of the problem is the father situation and the fact I was already nervous and shocked to have fallen pregnant and now to be doing it all myself is terrifying. I feel trapped and sometimes wish I wasn’t pregnant. I know that sounds awful and I wish I didn’t feel like this but I can’t seem to shake the feeling!!! I keep thinking one day I’ll wake up and feel in love and excited to be having this little girl but I’ve realised I’m due in 13 weeks and I still feel absolutely nothing positive towards her. It’s not her fault and I feel terrible about the whole situation but I’m not sure what to do now. I can’t help my feelings. If my relationship had broken down in early pregnancy I would of 100% had an abortion but it broke down when I was 20 weeks pregnant. When I seen her on the ultrasound I didn’t feel any love then either, I expected to cry and have this connection like you see and hear other mothers to be do. I feel bad saying all this and I wish I didn’t feel this as I’m aware there are so many amazing woman out there that would make fantastic mothers and they struggle to fall pregnant!! Anyway, I just want someone to tell me they have had a similarly experience lol! I hope when she is born everything changes 🤞🏼 Thanks for reading!
Sorry for the long read.

I never understood having a bond with a foetus. To me it felt like having a bond with my kidneys. I was terrified for my whole pregnancy with DD. We bonded just fine when she was born. Try not to stress, the fact that you care is a sign that on some level you already care about your baby and want to do well for them. I hope it all goes smoothly from here

I feel exactly the same OP. I'm 16 weeks and just feel like, whatever! For me I think it's because I've had so many miscarriages that it's a self preservation thing. With my son I had his scan photos in a frame and used to book extra scans just to see him and everything. This time round i couldn't even tell you the date of my next appointment.
But it's totally different when you are holding them in your arms. You're buying things, you're getting prepared, you've started a thread worrying about this - those are acts of love OP. You'll love her when you meet her I'm sure and if you don't then speak to your GP or midwife because as I'm sure you know that can be a sign of PND. You have had a lot of upheaval so just take care of yourself and stop beating yourself up

Would you be able to talk to your midwife about how you feel OP. I can’t really comment on how normal it is bit the midwife would be able to put you at ease or help you access counselling if you need it - not saying that you do but it does sound like a really difficult time for you right now

A lot of people go on about developing a bond with their unborn baby and state finding out the sex as the reason for that. In all honesty I can't say I had a bond with my unborn baby - what does that even mean, it is very hard to quantify what it means to different people. Sure I felt them moving inside and it was an interesting feeling but is that bonding? Who knows. I think your relationship breakdown is a lot to blame for how you are feeling. Please don't make yourself feel worse by comparing yourself to others who talk about bonding. I hope.you are getting support from your family but agree you should talk to someone else and your midwife.

Don't be hard on yourself I'm sure every mother has different feelings throughout their pregnancies. You've found yourself in a very tough situation that you didn't anticipate, possibly on a small level you might feel resentment towards your baby for being in this situation, it's probably not rational, but it doesn't change how you feel. I do think as others have said once you see her you will fall in love and forget any of these thoughts and feelings. I would certainly talk to someone, I think you will find it's more common than you think.

I have 8 dc. I have never bonded with them before birth. I have never felt the sudden rush of love when they were born either (I felt relief that labour was over lol). It can be completely normal

I didn't really feel like I loved my baby when I was pregnant - I didn't know her yet! I was protective of her but I'm not sure I was especially bonded. I didn't feel that instant rush of love at birth either (too traumatised from the labour), that came later. I think it's pretty normal so please don't beat yourself up about it or worry that you won't be a good mum - it will come!

On my second pregnancy now (32 weeks) and didn't feel 'bonded' with previous DD or this baby. I don't enjoy pregnancy much, and DD didn't feel very 'real' until she was actually there. Didn't have trouble bonding with DD once she was born, so not worried about this one.

Given how resentful you must feel towards your ex I'm surprised you don't feel wholly positive about the pregnancy - that sounds very understandable. Ignore the 'glowing mom talking lovingly to her bump' images.

I totally understand how you are feeling.

DD1 - very much planned and wanted. Was so ill first trimester, really regretted getting pregnant. Wished i wasn't. When I had a big bleed. Felt more relieved that it was going to be over, then sad. Though I didn't miscarry. It wasn't till she was here that I really connected.

DD2 - was sick for a lot longer. Really felt regret and sadness. Was sure we'd made a big mistake deciding to have another. I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and feel connected and love for this baby already. I just want to protect her and keep her safe, once she's here.

Pregnancy hormones do weird things to your brain. Don't worry. Once she's here you'll feel differently.

I never felt bonded with my daughter when she was a foetus, I find the thought an odd one. You can be excited etc, but I’m not sure how you bond.

I think the issue is you’re scared, this was not what you planned, being a single mother. Have your baby and take it one day at a time. Love grows.

I didn't feel that much at all. Definitely didn't feel love, maybe some protection. The second time I was pregnant I felt more protective because by then I knew how much I'd love the baby on arrival. I did the get rush of love thing when DS was born, and it was nothing like I felt for either pregnancy.

I think I did even worry a bit with DS should I feel something more for the unborn baby. I did want to be pregnant and have a child, there were no doubts or resentment there. But I didn't feel the love.

I feel bad saying all this and I wish I didn’t feel this as I’m aware there are so many amazing woman out there that would make fantastic mothers and they struggle to fall pregnant!!
I had 5 years of fertility treatment in order to have a baby and I really wouldn't say I felt I loved him while I was pregnant. You feel what you feel, and there's okay! Nor did I have a massive overwhelming rush of love when he was born, so please don't worry if you don't feel that, either. Love him to bits now, though.

I felt exactly the same as pp both times and didn’t feel any connection. When they were born they felt like strangers and it took a few days to get to know them. I think this feeling can be normal.

I think what you’re feeling is very normal. It’s too abstract when you’re pregnant. You need to meet your baby and get to know each other before that bond develops. With both DC it took me about 24/48 hours after giving birth before I got those ‘rush of love’ feelings. At first they just looked like aliens that didn’t belong to me!

Thinking about it I remember the midwife saying 'are you bonding with baby?' at one of my antenatal appointments, and me thinking 'no, why would I be doing that? I haven't met him!'

I also remember that my first thought when DD was born was 'Oh fuck, we have a baby!'. I did feel very protective of her from the beginning, and it did feel 'right' somehow, but not exactly the rush of love that some women get.

Totally normal, I think especially so with first baby - why would you love someone you haven't met yet? Your focus is on what is happening to YOU - which is a lot. And so it should be. There's probably some evolutionary reason why we can be cold and practical thinking about having a baby when it is actually on the way, but not here yet. And you are letting go of your self as a single unit. Got shit to sort out.

Second time round I was a bit more chilled, and interested in the funny little person who was on their way, but wouldn't have called it love.
Everything changes when they arrive - although maybe not instantly. Expect "OMG I just had a baby!!" to be your main thought for a few weeks

Totally normal, even when you don't have the stuff going on that you do (sorry you're going through that - sounds shite!)

The baby hardly looks adorable on a scan (I'm never going to be framing one of those pics I have to say...) and it's all a bit clinical. You can't see them for real and they don't have a personality. Feeling kicks is reassuring that they're OK but a weird sensation. I am one of those that found out the sex to try to bond - I don't think it worked for me tbh.

Things might change when the baby is born. Either way I would speak to family so you have support and also a midwife. If things don't change you have options eg. adoption. Try not to be so hard on yourself and just see how things go.

Totally normal OP, I didn't feel bonded to my first child and don't feel a bond to this one but I know I will love her once she's here. Don't be too hard on yourself, sounds like you have been through enough already!

I'm happily married to DS' father, but DS was an unexpected suprise.

I never had any feeling of bonding or love until he was born, and it wasn't instant, it built over his first few weeks.

Pregnancy symptoms generally suck, and I didn't feel any love for the parasitic lump that made me sick, gave me joint pain, rearranged my organs on a whim... He's almost 2 now and I adore him. Don't panic yet.

Never bonded with any child while pregnant and in some way actually hated them (I had HG and they made me so ill) even when they were born I struggled never had that rush of love and I cried as I didn’t love them. It came slowly and now I love them so much. They are exactly that a stranger and you don’t know them yet.

I was the same with DS OP. I was excited at the thought of a baby but never felt that connection Either. I also didn't feel that immediate bond when he was born, and it took four days for that bond to appear, and was completely solidified by the time he was nine months. Part of that I feel is that I am a pragmatic person and bonding with someone I have never met was a difficult concept for me. He's 4 in spring and I would never be without him. Have you spoke. To your midwife about all this? Pre natal depression is a real thing and it's best to get it as early as you can before it gets worse after the baby is born. It is hard though as you'll have hormones flying around like made and add all the upheavel and changes you've experienced recently it's no wonder your struggling to feel anything. You are not a bad person or mother, just a human who has had a lot of shocks in a very short space of time so please be kind to yourself. If you can't rely on him emotionally then make you sure you get financial support by getting I. Touch with CMS once born. Has he said anything about the birth certificate? As much as I understand you may not want him on it it may help with financial aspects plus the child does deserve to know who her father is, even if he is a waste of space. It's 50% his baby to support as well so don't hesitate taking him for what he owes if need be. But in the meantime I'm here for a handhold. Having a baby is hard at the best of times but it sounds like your doing a fantastic job. You got this! And remember, not feeling that bond straight away is just as normal as people who feel it, probably sometimes even more so. Take care of yourself and I wish you the best

Stop beating yourself up OP, this is so common. I would go to scans and feel like I was watching a video of a scan, my brain couldn’t link it what I was seeing to my own body. And my twins were born by emcs and taken straight to NICU, couldn’t hold them etc and I struggled a lot initially as we missed out on so much of that initial bonding. It comes with time. I think many people will tell you they felt very little when pregnant.

I'm not saying you do have it at all! Just that its something to be aware of. But doesn't mean anything about how you feel, as I was exactly the same and now DS is the light of my life.