Large families- how big is too big ?

[crazymother]

Have got four dc at the moment- 5yrs, 3yrs, 18 months and 5 months. Whilst I feel that I wouldn't cope well with another one at this point, I don't feel that I'm ready to leave my baby days behind and would love another one or two at a later point.

My husband has a good job and money isn't a barrier to more, but I'm constantly hit with negativity.

1. During my 8 week check up my doctor suggested sterilisation.

2. Complete strangers keep telling me "that I have my hands full", or "rather you than me'

3. It's become fair game to ask me about my sex life.

4. Today someone asked me if I was a childminder.

So, how many is too many? How many does everyone else have and what are your thoughts on large families?

Congratulations to you and I think you are so lucky to have four. I wanted five (I don't think that's unreasonable). I had three under 3 and would have carried on to at least 5 but Daddy was not keen at all. I think its great having a house full of little ones, all born close together. My three love each other to bits and really look after each other.

I think your doctor has got a bloody cheek to suggest sterilisation.

Don't push it with your man he may come round. Good Luck

When I was a child my best friend was one of 9 and I currently know a woman who is expecting her 6th child.

If you can afford another one or 2 (which you say you can) and have the energy etc then it's nobody else's business imo. Am amazed that people can be so rude actually (well, not really, it seems anyone who doesn't conform to a whole load of stereotypes gets these sorts of comments)

Good luck

I have one at the moment with another on the way - i have always thought i would like 3 (maybe more i don't know!) but there's no way we could afford it or fit them in our house or move!2 is pushing it a bit as it is.
I have always thought that if you can have a large family and want one go for it, your kids are hardly going to suffer with all that companionship are they? Can't believe people would comment like that, well i can but still!
There's a woman who uses the launderette near me who has 10 kids, and they seem as well behaved as any i've met.
There are ups and downs to all family sizes aren't there, but so long as they have enough food and love there's no reason why not. Hope that is reassuring!

I have 3 and would honestly love 4 or 5, but its doubtful due to small rented house, and not much money, and dh thinks 3 is enough ... so we will have to see, but I too would hate to think I will never have another.
I think if money is not an issue, and you have enough space, and honestly think you can give them all enough decent attention, then there is nothing wrong with large families, and they must have many benefits.
I do have concerns about people who have more than 6, to be honest...I know someone on her 7th, who is already saying she wants more, and I just wonder how they can all possibly get enough of her time ?
I wonder if people with 7,8 etc just really love being pregnant, and all the attention you get, and realy love newborns, etc... thats what I think about this one I know anyway. Being pregnant and having loads of kids are what seem to define her. I just think she'll have to stop sometime, or what will happen to the older ones ? Surely they must get neglected with each new one that comes along ? I know for a fact my first 2 don't get played with as much now the third has arrived and I feel bad about that.

Sorry forgot to say that the negativity is from other people, not dh- he would gladly have another ten!

I have five and it seems pretty normal.

I have 1, always wanted 4 but now I think we will have to settle on 2 . I don't think there is a maximum number it all depends on what you feel is right for you and your children. at your doctor for suggesting steralisation! I remember getting really angry that I was asked by 7 different health professionals what I was planning to do about contraception after I had ds, I felt like sticking a label on my head stating "I have managed to go 31 years without an unplanned pregnancy I think I can manage another 31 years!" I can imagine that you must get pretty cheesed off with the comments.

One of the girls who used to work for me was one of 13 - she seemed happy with that, it was normal for her and she couldn't wait to have children herself (she was only a young teenager back then)

Do what YOU want to do. I'd love loads but we'll never be able to afford it or have a big enough house. I'm a childminder though so I get the best of both worlds

I'd complain about the doctor to the practice manager.

And to all those other rude questions I'd respond with, 'What a personal and rude question! What gave you the idea that it was okay to ask you that?'

How do you find having 4 so close in age. Do you have help in the house? I had three close together and it's nearly done me in.

Yes, I agree chankins. I'm not sure that I'd have the energy to cope with 7 or 8 and older children do get less attention when a new baby comes along. I'm also not sure I could cope with another pregnancy at this point... it was pretty tough going with number 4 (whose impending arrival was a complete suprise/ shock) as I was so tired caring for the other 3.

I guess I just always thought when I had number 3 that I would have another baby in my late thities (I'm 34)... I guess one to enjoy rather than the complete mad rush this has been.

Now I've had number 4 out of schedule, I still have that feeling about having a last baby in a few years when I have more time to enjoy it. I'm just becoming really infuriated with comments from complete strangers. Someone even asked me if I was having one of those 'things' fitted. (coil?)

To one person 1 is enough to another it's 10, it's totally up to you.

I would love 4 but think I will stick to 3 (well hopefully will have three).

you are so lucky to have 4 OP. I'd love 4. We have 3 and just cannot afford the drop in salary of me going on maternity leave in the near future to have another one. Though maybe one day. Though maybe not as I don't want a 20 year gap between eldest and youngest! anyway, 4 is not too many, nor is 14 if that is what you want and that is what youa re happy with. I'd tell any of your critics to go and fuck themselves. I am very eloquent and gracious and a lady. Like Jade Goody. My dear lovely grandmother is one of 17 and she is just the loveliest person in the world. So it clearly benefits the dcs!

OK, thought about this more. Here are some disadvantages of a large family.

• if you go over 5, you need some kind of minibus to transport them in.
• you need more bedrooms
• it's harder to go on holiday - your options are limited.
• it's harder to eat out together.
• you and your DH often have to 'divide and conquer' so you act as two separate families at times.
• you can't treat them all fairly unless they all get nothing
• friends don't invite you over anymore because they are not set up for your numbers

but the OP said money isn't a problem... so hols, cars, bedrooms are sorted. We have friends who have pretty sterile lives most of the time - couples who live in very tidy clean perfectly designed apartments..our mob are often invited round for dinner / sunday lunch just to liven things up a bit!

Its annoying when people feel free to pass comment on your life - I would never do that, even if I thought, whoa how many kids have you got there ?!!!? Its not my businee what other people do, and in many ways its lovely that some people love being parents so much that they just keep going 1

I know what you mean about 'that last baby in a few years when I have more time to enjoy it' !!

Thats completely how I feel now, I have 3 young ones and want to really give them aas much time and attention as possible - but keep thinking in the back of my head, how nice it would be to wait another maximum 5 yrs then have a last one I can really spoil rotten ! Think I can convince dh in that 5 yr time period ! Hope so anyway.
You are lucky that money is not an issue. I think there is more chance for us if we can ever buy our own home and have a bit more money.I know they are the things that worry dh, and me too.
I'm a childminder, and when I'v ebeen out with lots of kids, the amount of people that feel free to say are they all yours ? I hope not ! etc, is very annoying. In the old days, everyobody had large families !

It's not just money that limits you on holidays. You can pick a resort, only to find that it is maximum six in the apartment, for example.

There are places to go, but choices are definitely limited.

I have 4 with similar age gaps to yours, although they're a bit older now. Although in some ways I would like more, I do feel that the negatives would outweigh the benefits, for my existing children in particular. Individual attention is the biggie for me - there are only 24 hours in a day and logic dictates that the more children there are the less time you have to spend with each of them! Ds1 does love having siblings but sometimes says 'please don't have any more' because he's aware that we get busy with the younger ones and have less time for him (he knows how to make me feel guilty!) And my dh is very hands-on, does loads of housework so I don't know how people manage who don't have help!

Thats is, i don't know how people manage with more than 6, like you say only 24 hours in a day, and all those meals to be made, washing to be done, etc etc etc, when do you get time to sit and play wth them ? Thats why my max would be 4 or 5 tops.

Mog- having three close together did do me in!!

Despite number 3 being a very easy baby I got horrendous PND/ anxiety and was all over the place... and that sort of lead to an untimely number 4. (But didn't have any PND this time around and he's great)

My family live over 200 miles away but we live close to my in-laws- which is of limited help. Have had some help from Homestart but had to wait for nearly a year and was nearly better when help arrived.

Would love to leave it a few years, and then have one (maybe two?) more to properly enjoy.

My HV has told me that she has seen a number of families where it is the arrival of the thrid child that has caused a major stress out.

How old are your children?

The older kids have to help.

Agree with Daisywhoo - when my mum said she was having her 6th and final kid, I cried.

I think they did it because they loved babies. Unfortunately for them, babies grow up. Have as many as you like if you feel able to meet their needs. Sadly my parents couldn't.

3rd child has definitely thrown the spanner in the works with our family ! 2 was no problem, easy peasy and they were closer in age.
I was one of four and found that hard enough getting attention.
The woman I know gets the older ones to help a lot and is pretty critical when they get things wrong.
Also she has problem pregnancies and expects sympathy, I just think, well why keep putting you and all your family through it then ? It is because she loves babies.

I have 5 aswell. my eldest ds has just turned 11. dd1 is 7,ds2 6, ds3 21 months and dd2 6 months. I am only 26 aswell which causes even more comments and raised eyebrows.
When I was pg last time I stopped telling people as all the replies were "oh dear!" or "oh my god, you're mad!" etc etc Only one person said congrats and truly meant it - my best friend.
Explosivesciencet I agree with the transport problem, and have never actually been on holiday - too many animals, we live on a farm - but have to disagree with the eating out, treating them fairly and friends thing.
The way I see it is the restaurants have £ signs in their eyes when you walk in,so what's the harm in them earning it? so what if they have to push 2 tables together?
We have the same routine with friends as we have always had. The only difficulty is if people need lifts etc i.e not enough seats.
It is hard to treat them fairly, but if you have 2 children it is hard to treat them exactly the same. Each child is an individual with different needs anyway! Agree with some of the other posters that time is a biggie, but you just have to make the effort.

My older children do not help.My dh is the eldest of 7 and he has a real complex about them being made to help as he practically brought up his youngest 2 siblings.
The most help they are is if they play with the youngest 2 while I cook or muck out or something.