Such a mess, 6 weeks pregnant and newly single..

[TheCatThatGotTheCream]

I don't know where to start with this really. I've just found out I'm pregnant after fertility issues and a miscarriage at the end of 2019. We've been trying again since then and have not long found out I'm pregnant, 6 weeks today!

My partner and I have been together for 8 years. Our relationship has been pretty rocky the past year and just before New Year (just before I found out I was pregnant actually) we broke up. I'm not blameless in the situation however neither is he. However I'm pretty sure he'd make a great Dad - he's loyal, family orientated, would do his best by the kid and is keen to be involved 100% despite us no longer being together.

I don't think I love him anymore and so don't really have any desire to get back together however I know I'm depressed and not sure if that's clouding my judgement - I was about to pluck up the courage to go to my GP for antidepressants however found out I was pregnant so can't/don't want to do that now.

I've moved out of our shared property (in his name as he bought it outright) and am staying with family at present. I'm on a zero hours contract although have a decent-ish salary (staff nurse) so money won't be too much of a worry. Although the bulk of my shifts are in a dementia unit along with doing covid vaccinations. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to continue in either though - dementia as there is a lot of physical lifting/being hit by patients etc and I'm already anxious about this pregnancy as it is, and the vaccinating - I don't know if they'll let me continue with this what with being pregnant, seeing as I'm in constant contact with a stream of patients and the risks of picking up covid from this. I'm just guessing at this point if they'll let me continue, I've not actually discussed this with them yet.

My ex says that he is happy for me to move back in (separate rooms) as he'd like to support me and also to be a part of the babies life when it's born, although "it will be as friends", and he "doesn't want to be a bachelor" so will be dating. Although has said that he wouldn't be bringing any women back. As I say, I'm fine with him dating as I don't want to be with him anymore, we just aren't compatible. But for him to be thinking about this already, going out and meeting up with other women, not long after I've found out I'm pregnant - it just seems a little insensitive. But we're broken up so he can do whatever he likes with his personal life.

I don't even know what I'm asking really, my thoughts are everywhere. Everything just seems such a mess.

How am I going to manage? I really don't want to be dependent on him but I won't even be able to rent a flat with my poor credit (I am in a mountain of debt - just over £20,000 and wouldn't even get past a credit check on a flat). I just can't believe what a mess my life has become. I always had the dream of getting into a career, buying a house, settling down, having babies and being content. But it just seems that everything is crumbling down around me. I'd rather live independently however with the debt, I'm not sure how this is going to happen. On top of this, I've got the worry about miscarrying again - it happened last time so it could happen again.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Are you married or just living together?

I don’t think it would be wise to move in with him.

We were just living together, not married, so no entitlement to the house. I don't think it would be wise either but I'm kind of stuffed as, due to my poor credit, I won't get a past any landlords credit check and I certainly can't live with my family once the baby is born.

This all sounds very difficult.

Do you want to continue with the pregnancy in this situation?

I definitely want to continue with the pregnancy. I have endometriosis and have no guarantee of being able to get pregnant again, this baby is a long awaited baby. It is difficult and I know that realistically it will be ok in the end however I just feel so confused and stuck at the moment.

Oh bless you, this sounds so stressful for you. Congratulations first of all. Could you look at renting through a private landlord? I have rented before and not been credit checked, only ever been credit checked through letting agencies. You could apply for housing through your council too, if you’d rather? I’d take the offer of staying in his house until you find your own place, and imagine you must still be friendly if he wants to co-parent and is offering to let you stay. I’m also single, pregnant and will be co-parenting as friends with the father. Will he charge you rent or anything to stay with him? I’d be trying to do some extra shifts and clear as much debt as you can before you do move. Wishing you lots of luck with everything x

Living with an ex who dates others while pregnant is definitely not for everyone. Is there no chance of reconciliation whatsoever?

If you tell work, you may be entitled to easier chores.

Make sure you accept any support you get, wherever it comes from.

On the housing front could you apply for a council property ? And maybe look at getting universal credit. No shame in getting help while you need it, dosnt have to be for Eva.
From the nursing front, loads of stuff you can do. 111 /999 call handler, benefits assessor? Out patients ? Depends if you still want to be patient facing, if so maybe look at ur local private hospitals as most will be 'green sites' so not as such a risk with covid.

Thank you @swiftt. I could look at renting through a private landlord, I just assumed they would do a credit check however didn't know that private landlords may be a little more lenient, so that's good to know. We are still friendly and no, he has said he wouldn't charge me rent. Although he can be quite petty at times so the fact that I wasn't paying rent would be at the back of his mind and I would also feel like a bit of a freeloader. I want him to see I can be independent. I think you're right, just save as much as I can over the next few months and build up a bit of a safety net for myself and the baby. Thank you x

@anniebu I don't know if there is any chance of a reconciliation. I don't know if I want one. To be honest, I am and have been for some time, suffering from depression and anxiety which I have tried to deal with myself and haven't sought any help from my GP. I don't have any feelings about anything tbh, just feel down all the time, so I don't know if I don't love him anymore or if it's just that I'm numb. I will have to have a word with work although with me not being permanent on a ward, I think they are probably less likely to want to help me out.

@boymum88 I'll definitely look into universal credit, I've never claimed benefits before so not really sure how it all works, I'll need to look into it. I thought about applying for a council property but I'm in a major city and the waiting list is...well huge I should imagine.

If you're 100% sure you don't want to get back together then definitely don't move in with him.

Can you stay with family until the baby is born and save some money up? I'd also be looking at if the council could house you.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, I know easier said than done but try not to worry too much things do sort themselves out. I had a baby on my own (I'm also a nurse) it was definitely tough at times but also the best thing I've ever done.

I’d advise doing something about consolidating our paying off your debts as well. Get as much of that cleared as possible before baby comes along.

Or*

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I'm pretty sure I don't want to get back together. I'm actually happier on my own in general, I just don't think I'm cut out for relationships to be honest! I could stay with family although it certainly wouldn't be ideal. But it is an option. I'll speak to the council on Monday and see what my options are. Thank you.

Strike out on your own. Always move forwards never back. You could be chucked out of his house at any time and could never trust him. Work for as long as you can but if you need to go on UC for a few years do it. I did it at 21 and went back to nursing as soon as I could.

I've been looking into getting a Trust Deed @TheFoz. I'm just not sure how that'll work though as they'll go on my current salary (zero hours so variable week upon week) and my outgoings will obviously change as some point in the near future as well if I'm going to have the outgoings of rent on a new property, bills etc. They also won't take payments off benefits (which I'll probably end up on in the near future when I have the baby as I'm not entitled to maternity pay being on the NHS Bank) so it's a bit of a predicament. Although I am really keen to deal with and see the back of these debts.

You should still go and see a GP for your mental health, and discuss your options for treatment. There are still options which can be used in pregnancy, and your mental health matters more than ever.

I hope things work out for you.

That's my goal @Shehasadiamondinthesky I'm just so confused about how I'm going to do this what with having nowhere of my own to live. This isn't what I envisioned for my life although I realise I'm in a much better situation than some, I do have the security of my career to fall back on and could secure a decent paying, permanent job in the next couple of months. But then what employer is going to be happy with a new employee turning up on the first day and being like 'hey, just to let you know I'm pregnant and will be needing 9 months off shortly'. But you're right, I do need to strike out on my own. It just feels like a mountain to climb at the moment..

Thanks Respectabitch, I'll mention it to them although I'm hesitant to go on any kind of medication, especially with the miscarriage last time. I'm just so anxious that somethings going to happen again and I'm trying to avoid anything that might cause the slightest bit of potential harm to the baby. I don't know if that's my anxiety talking or just the fact that I've had fertility issues and a MC previously so I'm perhaps being over cautious.

@TheCatThatGotTheCream
I wouldn't worry about what a future boss would think u don't have to tell them ur pregnant at interview, you won't be the first or last pregnant lady to get a new job while pregnant ( my work must love me to as off shielding with my son went back aug pregnant end of aug and back off shielding and sick leave with high risk pregnancy😬) I'm a theatre nurse . I would look at getting a permeant contact, would maybe help with the credit sore and depending on how quickly you could be entitled to mat leave.
Also speak to ur gp about ur metal health they are there to offer help and support x

@boymum88 I think getting a permanent contract is probably my first step, it's one bit of security that I could have behind me. I would just feel terrible taking on a job knowing full well that I'd be off in a few months time but I suppose I'm not the first nor the last to do it.

I could have wrote a very similar post 12 months ago. After 7MCs, a SB and numerous fertility problems I never thought I would fall pregnant. But I did, and not continuing with the pregnancy never crossed my mind. But I was single, after splitting with her dad before I found out I was PG. I now have a 16week old daughter, and I wouldn’t change her, or my situation (her dad has never been in touch).
I was antidepressants before I fell pregnant, and throughout the pregnancy. My emotions and anxiety where all over the place with my history, and hormones. So speak to your GP they may be able to help.
I was already in my house. But I would advise that you speak to any local housing associations or Council. They should be able to help you find somewhere to live, or some private landlord are reasonable. There is often waiting lists, so speaking to them early may be best, although some may reluctant to help until your further along in your pregnancy.
I’ve never claimed benefits. But Universal Credit has helped me whilst on maternity. Although I don’t get much due to savings. You will also be entitled to child support from your ex. There are some helpful websites which can help you work out how much you will be entitled to, and you can also work out how much maintenance your ex pays. You can still get some form of maternity pay, so don’t worry.
Work get them to do a risk assessment for your pregnancy, and hopefully they find you a suitable role to continue doing whilst pregnant. You have a great career, which you will be able to go back to.
As for your ex, try and maintain a healthy relationship so you can coparent effectively, and support each other through this. Don’t worry about him dating or planning to date. This is the bit I miss, as DD dad isn’t around, never has been, and I think it’s safe to say never will be. But I would rather go it alone, than try coparent with someone who has no interest, compassion, and the rest.
It will all seem overwhelming at first, and some days you will feel so confused as to what to do, what’s right and what’s wrong. But take each day as it comes.

@TheCatThatGotTheCream

Thanks Respectabitch, I'll mention it to them although I'm hesitant to go on any kind of medication, especially with the miscarriage last time. I'm just so anxious that somethings going to happen again and I'm trying to avoid anything that might cause the slightest bit of potential harm to the baby. I don't know if that's my anxiety talking or just the fact that I've had fertility issues and a MC previously so I'm perhaps being over cautious.

Well you're already pregnant, so fertility isn't a concern right now. And there are medication options which are pregnancy safe and used every day. The medication definitely will not cause a miscarriage, although I can understand your caution. Have the conversation though. Value yourself.

@TheCatThatGotTheCream try not to worry about feeling bad, look at finding something that you will enjoy and like going into each day and will suit and fit in with having a baby. 9 months mat leave is nothing in a working life span and if you find somewhere that u like ur much more likely to go back and stay after mat leave is over. Now is the time you look after ur self and future don't worry about what other think xx

@DressingGown87 Thank you, your story gives me a lot of reassurance. In my rational mind, I know I'll be ok (I think!) but it all just seems so overwhelming at the moment. It's good to hear of someone in a similar situation who it's all worked out for.

I don't want to comment on the relationship as you'll know what it right for you there. However on he finance side, have you thought of signing up to NHS Professionals as bank staff (assuming they operate in your trust)? My SiL has gone back to university, but does NHS P shifts and the pay rate is astronomical! Over Christmas she was on almost £50/hr. There's a lot of demand (as you can imagine) so she could be doing full time hours if she wanted and still have some say over which wards/hospitals.

Best of luck with it all