Such a mess, 6 weeks pregnant and newly single..

[TheCatThatGotTheCream]

I don't know where to start with this really. I've just found out I'm pregnant after fertility issues and a miscarriage at the end of 2019. We've been trying again since then and have not long found out I'm pregnant, 6 weeks today!

My partner and I have been together for 8 years. Our relationship has been pretty rocky the past year and just before New Year (just before I found out I was pregnant actually) we broke up. I'm not blameless in the situation however neither is he. However I'm pretty sure he'd make a great Dad - he's loyal, family orientated, would do his best by the kid and is keen to be involved 100% despite us no longer being together.

I don't think I love him anymore and so don't really have any desire to get back together however I know I'm depressed and not sure if that's clouding my judgement - I was about to pluck up the courage to go to my GP for antidepressants however found out I was pregnant so can't/don't want to do that now.

I've moved out of our shared property (in his name as he bought it outright) and am staying with family at present. I'm on a zero hours contract although have a decent-ish salary (staff nurse) so money won't be too much of a worry. Although the bulk of my shifts are in a dementia unit along with doing covid vaccinations. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to continue in either though - dementia as there is a lot of physical lifting/being hit by patients etc and I'm already anxious about this pregnancy as it is, and the vaccinating - I don't know if they'll let me continue with this what with being pregnant, seeing as I'm in constant contact with a stream of patients and the risks of picking up covid from this. I'm just guessing at this point if they'll let me continue, I've not actually discussed this with them yet.

My ex says that he is happy for me to move back in (separate rooms) as he'd like to support me and also to be a part of the babies life when it's born, although "it will be as friends", and he "doesn't want to be a bachelor" so will be dating. Although has said that he wouldn't be bringing any women back. As I say, I'm fine with him dating as I don't want to be with him anymore, we just aren't compatible. But for him to be thinking about this already, going out and meeting up with other women, not long after I've found out I'm pregnant - it just seems a little insensitive. But we're broken up so he can do whatever he likes with his personal life.

I don't even know what I'm asking really, my thoughts are everywhere. Everything just seems such a mess.

How am I going to manage? I really don't want to be dependent on him but I won't even be able to rent a flat with my poor credit (I am in a mountain of debt - just over £20,000 and wouldn't even get past a credit check on a flat). I just can't believe what a mess my life has become. I always had the dream of getting into a career, buying a house, settling down, having babies and being content. But it just seems that everything is crumbling down around me. I'd rather live independently however with the debt, I'm not sure how this is going to happen. On top of this, I've got the worry about miscarrying again - it happened last time so it could happen again.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

I think you need to think long term. It might be good to stay with a family member or your ex, which ever you think is better and try to clear some debt and get a more stable permanent job set up. Then make plans for the future and your own place.

Congratulations on pregnancy

Congrats on the pregnancy OP!

I think you just need to be quite aggressive about getting your ducks in a row, then while it will be tough for a bit things will work out

• don’t move back in w ex p, you do not want to be getting up w a baby in the night while he dates, you will want to kill him.
• if you want to rent a flat could your parents act as guarantees if you do need a credit check? Also - do get yourself on the council housing lists.

• I’d really consider getting an IVA to reduce your debt, as a baby, a modest nursing salary and 20k to pay off is going to make you feel like you are drowning, and it’s not necessary. Go to a govt approved agency of course and do not get involved in debt consolidation. It will bugger your credit rating for a bit, but you’ll be able to save and plan to get on the housing latter in 5 years or so.
• while you are there, get them to refer to to an organisation that can help you with budgeting, it doesn’t sound like you are great with money, you can’t earn much, and you need to be on it or you will start getting into more debt.
• get some quiet legal advice on how to agree payments from your ex. Start with citizens advice, and do agree it formally. He might be a nice guy but he’ll move onto a new partner and you need to make sure your baby gets proper support from him

• try and switch to a job w regular 9-5 type hours. Can you do that in the nursing home? If not start looking for something where you can, it will make childcare much easier. In the meantime yes let them know so you aren’t lifting.

• assume you will need MH support - make an appointment with your GP and be open you are feeling wobbly.
• join all the NCT classes and baby groups you can. Make new mum friends!
• Don’t be shy about drawing on your parents for support. If they aren’t super willing just say you’d really value practical support in the first year or so - that’s going to be the toughest bit
• ditto w your friends
• once you know what your job will be post baby, so some research on here and lay down the ground rules with your ex. Make him do a good amount of the work not just the lovely fluffy stuff

• when you are on your own w a baby I think it really helps to be quiet strict about routines, so I would research that approach. And ditto if BF gets tough, just drop it - your resources are limited, minimise your stress,

• longer term think about how to max your salary with controlled hours eg management posts

@TheCatThatGotTheCream

I definitely want to continue with the pregnancy. I have endometriosis and have no guarantee of being able to get pregnant again, this baby is a long awaited baby. It is difficult and I know that realistically it will be ok in the end however I just feel so confused and stuck at the moment.

The congratulations!

You said you can’t live with your family when the baby arrives. Is there any reason for that or rather it’s just you imagined? Having a baby is hard work and depending on your family it might be nice to have support and adult company.

I think staying with your parents is the best bet OP. You need support and adult company. Good luck x

When I was at 111 loads of women got jobs there while pregnant. Not sure on the specifics of maternity pay for new starters there but it really was amazing how many of the people who had just finished their call handler training suddenly had large bumps. Might be worth researching. It’s better to work there as a clinician - so if you can get that then do, the pay is good. Some clinicians are able to work from home too.

I think the first thing to do is speak to your gp about getting some help with your mental health be it counselling or medication.

Next speak to the council about your housing and see how the land lies. I don't think moving back in with him is a good idea, better to stay with family if they will let you.

Next try to speak to a debt management company and see if they can consolidate some if not all of your debts.

Thank you everyone for the advice, I've read each and every post and really appreciate it. Also sorry that I've taken ages to reply, I've not been great the past few days. I'm currently applying for non ward based roles, my line of work can be a little hazardous at times therefore I've applied for a couple of roles which use my healthcare experience but are office based. I've also put in an application for housing with the council. Re my mental health, I'm going to wait until I'm out of the first trimester before asking for antidepressants. Only 4 or so weeks to go! But I will see my GP because I worry about going on like this for the next 7 months and do need a little help.

Thank you again to you all for your advice, you've helped me see my situation more clearly.

Contact stepchange and look at a debt relief order - these are cheaper and more successful than IVA’s.

Even with 20k of debt you might not have a ‘bad’ credit file have you checked it?
Clear score is free and good to use to check it. If no defaults or county court judgments you might actually still have an okay rating.

Congratulations @TheCatThatGotTheCream.

I had my first daughter when I was on my own. Definitely hard at times but then best thing I ever did. You can 💯 do it. Hopefully you have support around you. And you have a good job. I understand there’s a lot to think about and worry about but you will be a great mum.

Xx

I'm not entitled to maternity pay being on the NHS Bank

Yes you probably aren't entitled to occupational maternity pay, but if you have worked consistently for same employer (inc Bank) you are probably entitled to statutory maternity pay. It is a lot less than OMP, but more than maternity allowance as you get 6 weeks of 90% of normal pay before dropping to approx £150/week (plus any other benefits you may be entitled to eg UC, child benefit).
I would be cautious about changing employer as you may lose your entitlement to SMP by changing employer in pregnancy, without gaining any OMP (you normally have to have been in post a significant time before pregnancy to get OMP from NHS). However a permanent or fixed term job within the same NHS organisation that you have been working Bank for shouldn't cause the problem of switching employers, you would keep the SMP entitlement as long as their Bank is part of their organisation in HMRC's eyes, which is normally the case but not necessarily with eg NHS professionals.
It's worth speaking to occupational health, if you are a regular Bank worker working in a dangerous area for pregnancy they may well support/direct Bank to find you safer shifts. Also telling ward manager and whoever is in charge of each shift may be necessary in order to be risk assessed and excused from certain tasks. If you worry they will just cancel your shifts then contact occy health and/or email Bank manager to tell them first, then you have a record that you told them about pregnancy just before they stopped booking you (you shouldn't be discriminated against for being pregnant).
I'm not HR or anything, have a good read of your organisations maternity policy plus Gov website re SMP, and if you are a member of RCN or another union I believe they have helplines that can advise/support re your rights.
Good luck.