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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Haven't told my ex I'm pregnant

26 replies

Mims123 · 02/02/2021 08:23

Hi guys,

I am 6 weeks pregnant now with my ex's baby. I haven't told him yet as he works away, but I know he's going to take it really badly and be really annoyed that this has happened. It was a pure accident but I would like to keep the baby.

I am so anxious about telling him, we have a house together but we were in the process of splitting all of that. I had a mmc 2 years ago and this is my first pregnancy since. I'm so overly worried about losing this one that I don't feel I want to tell him until 12 weeks for 2 reasons: one is that I don't want the added stress and the second being that I don't want to put him through all the coming to terms with it when there's a chance of miscarriage anyway.

Is this totally morally wrong? I have no idea what to do so just looking for advice! Thankyou x

OP posts:
Taikoo · 02/02/2021 08:28

How long ago did you break up?

Chelyanne · 02/02/2021 08:51

I understand you not wanting to tell other people until you get through the 1st trimester. But the dad, now that is one you need to tell. All cards on the table, tell him you will be keeping it if it survives past the point your last one was lost.
Pregnancy after mc is terrifying, good luck with the pregnancy and breaking the news.

Original poster
Mims123 · 02/02/2021 09:02

@Taikoo 3 months ago but because he works away for 50% of the time we have been sleeping together when he came back as he hadn't moved out yet x

OP posts:
Queenbee95 · 02/02/2021 09:13

I think you need to be upfront about it and tell him you are pregnant and you have decided you want to keep the baby. It’s then up to him what he decides he wants to do - be a father or leave.

It will be harder if you keep the pregnancy a secret until later, as he will probably kick up a fuss and I’m sure his family will obviously take his side and you don’t need any added stress.

Tell him, and if he’s difficult then I’d suggest blocking contact from him until you feel he has calmed down enough to talk like proper adults.

I hope everything goes well for you and congratulations!

NinaMimi · 02/02/2021 09:44

It’s up to you to see what you think is best. You’ve decided you’re keeping it so that won’t change.

I guess if you do delay it he could be annoyed as he’ll suspect you knew earlier so it might be difficult to pretend otherwise. Especially if he sees appointments on your notes etc.

Best of luck with everything

SunnySideUp2020 · 02/02/2021 09:49

First of all you need to plan as if this pregnancy will continue because that's what you want and that's what's currently happening.

Now, do you really want to start this journey by pretending nothing is happening and witholding life changing information from your ex/the dad?
That's not a great start to coparenting and will definitely NOT help him "come to terms" with it.
Put yourself in his place. He has no idea what's coming.

Also, you both had sex in the process of splitting. It doesn't make sense but you wouldn't be the first ones. Surely it cannot be such a big shock. Because that's usually the outcome.

The problem is that if two people don't want to be together they usually don't want a family together and so your ex might feel trapped by the situation and be angry (although he is equally responsible). But he has no right over this pregnancy and it is your decision whether to stay in contact or not. If you don't want the stress just block him.

But be a decent human being and tell him what's going on. You are a grown up and you need to accept that actions have consequences. Delaying is just gonna make it worse IMO.

user686233 · 02/02/2021 09:49

I think you are absolutely right not to tell him. If he asks why you didn't tell him sooner then you can just say you didn't want any pressure while you made your decision, that's completely fair enough imo. You know he won't be happy so why put that extra emotional stress on yourself in the early weeks? If you are already 12 weeks and have a scan picture when you tell him then he won't be likely to put pressure on you to terminate. He's your ex, he doesn't have a right to know until you are ready.

user686233 · 02/02/2021 09:50

When is he back from working away?

caringcarer · 02/02/2021 10:32

I think it is entirely reasonanle for you to wait until you are 13 weeks pregnant which is when the highest risk of miscarriage is over. If you tell him sooner and he reacts badly you will get upset and could risk a second miscarriage. Your ex will have to eventually come to terms with your decision. You can't force him to be a good Dad to your child though. He may choose to have no contact and you may have to bring your child up alone. He will have to pay maintenance for your child though. A miscarriage can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. A new baby just might bring you back together. Good luck with your baby. Don't let him pressure you to do what he wants.

Original poster
Mims123 · 02/02/2021 15:40

@caringcarer Thankyou for this it has really helped. I super appreciate all opinions hence why I wrote on here as I feel very alone: but I do think for my mental health I'm going to wait. Recently he has said he doesn't want me just can't be bothered to find someone else and I am just so tired. I couldn't do it whilst he is away at work so hopefully he will be out ther for a little while more anyway!
Thankyou 💛

OP posts:
Chelyanne · 02/02/2021 16:47

You say you appreciate all opinions but it seems you simply wanted people to agree with your plan not to tell the dad.

Making a rod for your own back, he will be rightfully pissed. I think you may be hammering the final nail in the coffin of any potential happy ending by doing it. I agree with waiting to tell them face to face though, my husband works away and I've always waited for him to be home.

Good luck

AegonT · 02/02/2021 20:05

I've felt awful in the first trimester of both my pregnancies and also very anxious about the risk of miscarriage. Yes I told my supportive husband straight away but if he'd been an ex-partner who I suspected wouldn't take the news well I would also want to avoid the stress untill I felt better. He'll still have 6 months to prepare and it affects him less than you.

SunnySideUp2020 · 02/02/2021 20:32

I cannot believe how people think it's ok to hide a pregnancy to the father just because it's convenient and they aren't officially together 😕
This is unbelievably selfish.
It's the dad to be we are talking about, not the next door neighbour.

Also, if the hope is that the baby will "fix" the relationship or make him come back... good luck with that considering the approach.

Original poster
Mims123 · 02/02/2021 20:39

@SunnySideUp2020 I did explain the situation and I welcome all opinions so I appreciate yours.

I have not once thought the baby would fix the relationship, that's not my plan at all. It will be a case of whether he would like to be a part of it or not.

I know he deserves to know but I do wonder what 5 weeks will do when I know I want to keep the baby anyway?

OP posts:
Anonanon12 · 02/02/2021 20:40

I would actually tell him, get it over with so you don't have to worry about keeping it a secret from him. Any whiff of him being nasty or trying to pressure you then just block all contact till he returns, can either of you stay elsewhere?
Don't let him sweet talk you into staying together for the baby if he has told you before he is only with you because he can't be bothered to find anyone else, that is nasty and you don't need him in your life.

SunnySideUp2020 · 02/02/2021 20:49

@Mims123

It's just a matter of trust. You are carrying his child. He hasn't got any means of knowing himself and doesn't suspect anything. Dads rely on us during pregnancy to keep them involved and informed.

Has he done something bad to you? Aside from not wanting to stay in the relationship?

Also what if he finds someone else in the meantime? Makes some big plans?

swiftt · 02/02/2021 21:05

I really think he needs to know, it would be unfair to keep it from him deliberately!

Original poster
Mims123 · 11/02/2021 21:02

Hello everyone,

I thought I'd just update. Last night I told my ex I am pregnant with his child and he didn't take it well at all.
He told me to terminate, said if I loved him at all I would and I don't deserve to have his child. He has said if I keep it he will sell our house together and make sure I am left with nothing ☹️

Feeling really down about it all and wish I'd waited but it's done now. I will be keeping the baby, I had a scan on Tuesday and there was a little heartbeat 💓 cant imagine ever not having him/her. But I'm scared for the future x

OP posts:
nicciw87 · 11/02/2021 21:18

@Mims123 don't terminate if you don't want to just get everything ready for single motherhood and also get to a solicitor ASAP about the house to see what your next steps are try to get all sorted before baby so ur under less pressure when baby arrives. Sorry he acted like that but least u know now

SunnySideUp2020 · 12/02/2021 08:25

@Mims123
You did the right thing. I am sorry he reacted that way.

Now you have to focus on yourself, your pregnancy and getting legal help as mentioned above regarding your rights and making sure you are settled and ready in a safe environment when your baby comes.

Don't let your ex push you to termination with this "if you love me bs". You offered him an opportunity to be a decent person. He clearly isn't interested so don't do anything anymore for him. He has shown you who he really is, please don't sleep with him when he is back or even allow him to contact you if he is angry and causing distress.
Could you be staying somewhere else when he is in your house?
Have you made anyone close to you aware of the situation?

NinaMimi · 12/02/2021 09:22

Sorry things aren’t going well. You have time to try to arrange things for when the baby comes.

If it’s your house then surely you’re entitled to half. Like others said get a solicitor and explain the situation.

Best of luck going forward. Hopefully you can be in your own place by time baby comes.

justanotherneighinparadise · 12/02/2021 09:27

Make sure you keep his threats if they are written down. They could help you later if he gets abusive.

BlueJag · 12/02/2021 10:19

You need to do what's right for you. Having a child is really hard but if it's right for you and you are able financially it's your choice.
I think it was very irresponsible to sleep together but he can't be angry now. If he didn't want a baby he should have either used protection or abstain.

Original poster
Mims123 · 12/02/2021 17:41

I agree it wasn't very responsible but these things happen, I was taking the pill at the time but I didn't take it everyday at the same time.

I am sad he's reacted this way. I know I could raise the baby alone and give it a wonderful life, I have really supportive parents, my sister lives nearby with her husband and my 2 nephews and we live in a lovely area by the sea.

I'm just scared of the prospect that he'll appear and disappear from the babies life regularly which is something I don't want. I would like him to chose to co parent or not at all. The house is half of ours each but I couldn't change the mortgage to just me at the moment because I'd have to be earning £50k a year.

Thankyou for the help. Going to get a solicitor once I've reached 12 weeks and get a plan together x

OP posts:
georgarina · 13/02/2021 09:27

Ah I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation with my first. But ex was EXTREMELY angry, basically calling me nonstop to verbally abuse me and try to force me to terminate.

He now is in touch with DC and his family is very involved.

It can work out. Just stand up for yourself and what you want and don't let anyone stress you out, you're pregnant and need support.

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