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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Find out gender or not?

32 replies

MBb217 · 30/01/2021 20:28

So I’ve been split 50/50 on this since the start of my pregnancy. I told myself I wanted a surprise but as I get closer to the 20 week scan I’m more curious. I’m not keen to buy much gendered clothing as I would like to be able to reuse a lot of it for a future baby and we have our names picked out for both boy and girl. Should I just wait so I can have a surprise at the birth? Does it remove any of the excitement/suspense/anticipation ahead of the birth?

If we found out I’d like to keep it from family/family if possible by not telling that we have found out. Did anyone find this way too difficult to do?

Basically - if you did or didn’t find out, how do you feel about your decision and what would you advise?

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justteaplease · 30/01/2021 20:37

We didn't find out with my first and it was the best decision of my entire life. There's no feeling in the world like when my husband said 'it's a girl' after such a long labour! I am currently pregnant again (early days) and won't be finding out again. It would have felt like such an anticlimax just finding out at the scan! That's just my personal thoughts, my friend found out at the scan and said she would again and again!

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 30/01/2021 21:15

I didn’t find out with my first or second child, we are expecting our third in a few weeks and again we don’t know. I’ve obviously never found out so can’t compare to finding out but for us it adds another element of excitement. We’ve never had a preference for either sex so it doesn’t actually matter to us anyway, it’s just nice to have an added motivation to push, plus it’s lovely when my husband gets to look and tell me that it’s a boy/girl!

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 30/01/2021 21:17

I’ve done both. We didn’t find out with the first two but did with the last. We didn’t tell anyone we knew and they didn’t suspect we knew either since they knew we didn’t find out with the first two.

Honestly, both ways are lovely and exciting and you won’t regret whatever decision you make. Enjoy

Horehound · 30/01/2021 21:20

I was like you, op, and wanted a surprise. My husband was keen to find out. Actually at the scan I saw the penis and even the sonographer said "I don't need to tell you what you're having!!"
But I was so glad to have found our actually. I felt my bond stringer to my baby, started thinking of him as his name. Bought all boy clothes etc.
So I feel I made the right decision

JoandLily · 30/01/2021 21:21

I didn't find out with my first and I'm now pregnant with my second and haven't found out the sex of this one of either. It's the best surprise ever!! I agree it's hard not knowing tho. Someone once told me finding out the sex beforehand is like someone giving you a present and telling you what it is before you've even opened it.

Pinkiii · 30/01/2021 21:22

Either way its a surprise, one is just earlier.

For me I have found out both times, definitely felt more bonded when I knew what I having as I could refer to baby as him or her.

Either way you’ll be just as happy!

Sheleg · 30/01/2021 21:23

We found out, because if she'd been a boy we would have to have arranged a bris (circumcision).

We only told people who asked! Didn't do a reveal or anything. Nobody really cares, except close family.

LST · 30/01/2021 21:24

@sheleg thank god she wasn't a boy

luxxlisbon · 30/01/2021 21:25

There is no right or wrong way to do this.
I found out and always knew I would, nothing about it was an anticlimax! Labour and delivery will not be any less special for me because I already know the gender of the baby. The excitement of the baby coming is in no way dimmed just by knowing it’s a girl. I actually find it crazy when I see people saying that. Keeping it a surprise is lovely if that’s what the couple want but can you really imagine a woman not being fussed about pushing or the baby coming out because she knows the gender?! 😂
I’m not overly into gendered clothes but I liked being able to have a name early and use the name when talking to the baby before she’s even here.

luxxlisbon · 30/01/2021 21:28

@JoandLily “Someone once told me finding out the sex beforehand is like someone giving you a present and telling you what it is before you've even opened it.”
What?! Only if you view the gender as the present and the actual baby.

JoandLily · 30/01/2021 21:38

@luxxlisbon ?? Doesn't make any sense?

KatyClaire · 30/01/2021 22:10

I didn’t find out and I loved it. It was such a lovely element of anticipation, and it meant so much that my husband was the one to tell me we had a son. I heartily recommend to everyone not finding out.

Edelweiss2020 · 30/01/2021 22:15

I wasn’t that fussed about finding out or not but my husband is super impatient and hates secrets/surprises so we found out. Like someone else has said, at the scan it was incredibly obvious that our little one is a boy so it would have been hard to not notice!

I’m 21 weeks now and feel more connected to baby now I can stop calling him an ‘it’!

My mum had 4 babies and never found out with any of them.

Chelyanne · 30/01/2021 22:19

My husband can't keep his trap shut, if we find out everyone does lol. I thought about having a surprise with our 3rd as we already had one of each, dh wanted to know so that's what we did. With our twins dh was hoping for a boy, as they were showing us around the babies I could see clear as day they were both girls. I let the sonographer tell dh, his face! If we get there with current one we will also find out, it would be lovely to be able to give our son a brother but tbh I just want a healthy whatever this time.

Cressie2 · 30/01/2021 23:42

Keep it as a surprise. So many things in life you plan. Imagine the excitement after being handed a boy or girl rather than a sonographer just telling you what it is during a scan!

eternalflame2020 · 31/01/2021 08:14

We are both the type of people who like to be prepared and know every detail possible (It alleviates anxiety for me) so for us finding out the gender was a no brainer! We have named our baby and talk to him all the time. With lockdown, I also think it has helped our parents to feel more involved. They really wanted to know the gender too so we were happy to tell them. I don't really understand the surprise element but know some people who have gone that way!

Hayley909 · 31/01/2021 21:28

We found out the gender at 16 weeks and did a wedding cake reveal at 17 weeks finding out the gender made me feel more bonded to the baby and I called him by his name from then on. Also gave me chance to buy cute personalised baby stuff. I found it annoying when people guessed or looked at me and said oh it’s definitely a girl because of XYZ old wives tale. Or if they said do you want a girl or boy? I could just say it’s a boy and I’m delighted.

Piccalily19 · 31/01/2021 21:42

No right or wrong but I’m expecting a boy any day now and I’m so glad we found out! I would have combusted waiting this long (I’m very impatient!).
We’re not massively into the blue for the boy thing but buying all his things has been so easy (even though a lot of it is neutral). And the main thing is knowing it’s a boy has made me connect so more with this little squirmy baby moving round inside me and I’m so excited to have a son.

Just an idea, why don’t you say no to finding out at 20 weeks, give it a couple of weeks and you’ll know if you regret it or not, then get a private scan if you want to find out?
We’ve both said we have no regrets to finding out (even though he’s not actually here yet!) :)

ThisMammaCat · 31/01/2021 22:20

I found out with my first three, and this one shall be a surprise. I figured that now is the time to have the finding out at birth experience, as this is likely to be my last pregnancy.

Finding out is great, not finding out is great!

I am thoroughly enjoying not knowing, speculating everyday but never being sure. I am very much looking forward to finding out at birth!

Just under 15 weeks to go! I tell you what, the 20 week scan was harrowing, because I have eagle eyes during scans, but the sonographer was very mindful to avoid the bottom end!

peachypetite · 31/01/2021 22:26

Have a surprise! Honestly it was the best moment of my life findinf out at the birth.

Babydust13 · 31/01/2021 22:41

For me I found out and somehow it seemed to make the whole thing more real and I felt like it's helped me bond. We haven't gone crazy with blue stuff though still kept everything neutral as like you we plan to keep it for our next baby.

Congratulations

Gennia · 31/01/2021 22:46

I think if you don’t feel strongly either way then don’t find out.

With our first we didn’t want to know as it didn’t matter. We could think of no reason to find out and I liked the idea of my partner telling me I had a son/daughter.

This time I’m pregnant with twins. If I hadn’t been we wouldn’t have found out. We decided to do so because we didn’t want to come up with 8 names (first and middle for 2 boys and 2 girls). I also didn’t like the idea of having to chose my “preferred” names if we ended up with a boy and a girl. We also really struggled with names for boys last time. 😂

timeforanother1 · 31/01/2021 23:18

Initially I was adamant I was not finding out until the birth, by the 12 week scan I was studying the nub theory to try to find out!

So so glad I did. I cried for days with happiness. I felt more protective of my baby knowing. My bond felt instantly stronger and I felt we were able to really personalise things like name, clothing- which of course you can still do when baby is here.

Ttc a second and I would 100% find out again!

There's no right or wrong way, maybe let baby decide if they want to show you on the scan day?

Ismellphantoms · 31/01/2021 23:23

I hate that someone does know what you are having, the sonographer. I would always want to know at a scan.

TildaTurnip · 31/01/2021 23:23

As a PP said, it is a surprise whenever you find out.

We found out both times. First time, the pregnancy was challenging and being able to give the baby a name and refer to him as he rather than it helped. The second time I knew how lovely it was to know and name the baby (as with the first, just my husband and I knew the name) so we found out.

The exciting bit about labour isn’t finding out the sex. It is being able to hold your baby if it goes well.

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