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Original poster

What would you do in my situation?

28 replies

Babymamainwaiting · 30/01/2021 18:37

I'm sorry in advance for how soap opera like this post is but I really need to share what is going on and get some outside opinions...

So I have been with my boyfriend for just under a year, although we knew each other through work about 4 months before this.

He moved in to my flat in November, earlier than we had initially planned due to lockdown, and things have gone really well.

We talked alot about trying for a baby in Feb/March this year with the belief that it would take a while as I have been told I have PCOS (although never had treatment for this and had fairly regular cycles).

I found out last week that I am pregnant, around 5 weeks now. We were both super excited and pleased despite it being sooner than planned.

My bf then sat me down today and told me he needed to talk to me about something big. Basically in summary, he told me that he was previously married but they divorced after a year (it was arranged, and he is from the Middle East). They still speak every few months but only because they have a 4 year old daughter together!! He pays monthly child support and his family back home see her semi-regularly but he doesnt get to see or speak to her much as they agreed he will have limited access to her due to partly religious reasons and her parents wishes, and also to try and minimise disruption on their daughters life. He has made to clear that he would like to be more involved in her life but equally knows he will never want to move back home so this could only be through visits throughout the year.

I am in total shock and disbelief that he has kept all this from me. He said it was because he was worried about how I would react as his last gf left him over it when he told her at the start of their relationship.

On one hand I'm grateful that he did sit down and tell me when lets be honest, the chances of me finding out any other way were slim atm. Equally I'm so upset that he has withheld his despite our relationship progressing as it feels like I've been tricked almost.

I just dont know what to do as I do love him and dont want to lose him, but I dont know how I will ever trust him again? It makes me wonder what else he is holding back (he says nothing else!).

What would you guys do in my situation? Please be kind...

OP posts:
hellasciously · 30/01/2021 18:40

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. Why is he over here and for how long? It's a big secret to keep having another child. Personally for me if a person didn't see their child it would be bye bye but with the distance of where his daughter is obviously he can't see her but there is always video calling etc.

bookshop1 · 30/01/2021 18:43

I wouldn't be able to stay with him after lying like that.

Personally I would probably terminate in that situation and move on.

Is he living in your flat for free?
All sounds very dodgy

bookshop1 · 30/01/2021 18:45

Agree i wouldn't be able to trust him.

And yes why is he over here? How convenient he moved into your flat.......

Original poster
Babymamainwaiting · 30/01/2021 18:51

He's been over here working here for 4 years so has a Visa and was renting a flat with friends. He has been paying me rent since moving in so that side of it is less dodgy than it sounds.

It's just the magnitude of the lie I can't handle. I really do not want to terminate this pregnancy but equally do not want to stay with him for the sake of a child as that never bodes well

OP posts:
bookshop1 · 30/01/2021 18:54

I wouldn't be able to stay with him. The lie is too big and I would feel like all trust would be gone.

I guess that's a risk you take deciding to have a baby with someone you haven't known long.

Please don't feel known you need to stay with him just because you are pregnant. You can do it on your own!

Moominmiss · 30/01/2021 19:07

I’d be really angry that he didn’t bring it up when you were discussing ttc beforehand. It’s definitely the sort of thing that would have impacted my decision to try with him.

I’d be wondering the real reasons behind not telling you, and perhaps other reasons why he doesn’t see his child.

I couldn’t personally continue with the relationship in your situation, so would have to base my decision on what to do regarding the pregnancy on whether I was prepared to be a single parent or not.

Hugs though x

marshmallowfluffy · 30/01/2021 19:44

Yanbu to be angry that he didn't tell you this before you ttc with him. It's not a first date conversation but his timing is appalling.

Rosieposy89 · 30/01/2021 20:01

Dump him. Lying about something like that is unforgivable

MaryShelley1818 · 30/01/2021 20:05

I would also terminate and move on.
You don't know this man at all, you moved in together in November to plan for a baby a couple of mths later? Have you talked about marriage?

You really need to consider a much more stable and secure environment before bringing a poor baby into it.

peanutbutterandbananas · 30/01/2021 20:06

So stressful for you! Maybe he was so worried you would leave him when you found out and that's why he waited (selfishly), BUT I don't think it means he's not fully committed to you. I would want to check there isn't a single other thing he hasn't told you. But if you really love him and he's a good man, then I would give him one more chance. Huge congratulations on your pregnancy! It must be so stressful at this time anyway, and with this to deal with, but its wonderful!

MsHedgehog · 30/01/2021 20:11

I'm from a Middle Eastern background.

Where in the Middle East is he from? What does he mean by "religious reasons"?

What's his background in terms of where he's from? I.e. middle class? From a city? Or from a village?

I ask because there are men from some cultures in the Middle East who claim they're divorced but never will due to their culture.

MsHedgehog · 30/01/2021 20:13

Also, why and when did he get divorced? Seems odd he's been here for 4 years but also has a 4 year old daughter?

rbetty · 30/01/2021 20:15

I don't know why people are suggesting a termination, op hasnt mentioned this.
Darling if you want this baby then you have it, is it with the right man? Only time will tell, yes it's a huge lie, but in reality you haven't been together long? He should have deffo told you sooner, but I wouldn't rush to terminate just because the father has lied to you x

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 30/01/2021 20:19

Wow you’ve been with him less than a year and only lived together a couple of months and have been planning a baby? Why are you in such a hurry? Less than a year dating is nothing, I just couldn’t imagine how you know the person well enough to be considering a baby (well you clearly found out you didn’t know anything about him!!).

I’d terminate and move on, if he’s Middle Eastern his family probably wouldn’t accept you or the child anyway given it was conceived outside of wedlock during such a short relationship, the fact he had an arranged marriage before would suggest this.

Ariana87 · 30/01/2021 20:28

I’ve been in a very similar situation. We were together for nearly a year, found out I was pregnant and then he dropped the bombshell that he was married and also had two children. It was an arranged marriage. I couldn’t breathe from the shock. We had spent every day together since meeting and couldn’t believe i hadn’t been able to spot that he had a whole other life. He said he didn’t expect to have met and fell in love with me, realised he couldn’t keep it from me as he knew wanted to spend his life with me. They slept in separate rooms, didn’t communicate at all, he just paid the bills. I was so torn as I was completely in love with him already. A whole heap of trouble followed from both of our families. He was badly beaten up, disowned by his family, she started divorce proceedings, took the house and disappeared with the children abroad. She’s not been seen or heard of since despite many attempts at trying to track his children down. Fast forward 16 years we stuck by each other through all the bad times and now have our own children. The pain of losing his children will never leave him and he hopes that they will one day he will see them again and can hopefully forgive him. People will judge you but ultimately unless anyone has been in the situation they will never understand. We had the biggest fight to be together and I’m so glad we fought against the world as we wouldn’t have what we do together now. It’s been hard and a lot of upset has been had along the way and he’s paid the biggest price of losing his children so there are no winners.

Ummm21 · 30/01/2021 20:28

I would be concerned that there is more to this story than he is telling you and I'm not sure how you'd confirm either way. As PP said, 4 years in the UK with a 4 year old daughter? There are so many scenarios where this could happen and it wouldn't be fair for us to speculate but I would certainly be asking questions to understand what happened here.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you, what a shock at what should have been a really special time for you. Best of luck x

Original poster
Babymamainwaiting · 30/01/2021 20:59

Thanks for your responses everyone. @Ariana87 I'm sorry you've experienced the pain of this too but I'm glad you worked through it.

I guess I have some decisions to make.

OP posts:
bookshop1 · 30/01/2021 23:07

@rbetty termination was mentioned because the OP asked (in fact it's in the thread title), 'what would you do in my situation?'

Jesskir89 · 30/01/2021 23:29

I don't think op was asking if she should terminate, more should she stay with the man. Dont terminate op as the baby is clearly wanted. You'll have to go with your gut on whether to stay with him or not. Its a big secret to keep and I would be wondering what else is he keeping...

whoamongstus · 30/01/2021 23:44

Did he leave the country just as his baby was born?! Sounds a bit suspicious to me, OP. I wouldn't be able to forgive that lie, the absolute shit.

I personally wouldn't want to have a child with a man who thought it was okay to just pop off out of the country and not be involved in his child's life, and I wouldn't actively choose to have a baby knowing in advance its father was like this.

But then again fathers can turn out to be shits well after the baby is born anyway, and if you're happy to accept to potentially do it by yourself as some point, then of course you should (and congratulations in that case!).

NinaMimi · 31/01/2021 06:45

Have you seen proof of the divorce? I mean I guess it’d be difficult to know if it’s genuine even if he showed papers etc. I do think it’s suspicious that he left around the time of the birth. I’m no expert on the Middle East but I’d be confused as to why he can’t have contact with the daughter.

I think “tricked” is the right word. That’s how I’d feel. He didn’t respect you and your autonomy enough to let you make an informed decision. Maybe if he’d told you you might have still wanted a child with him but he didn’t give you that.

It’s difficult as if you get on well it might seem difficult to end it but to be honest I’d find it hard to trust him.

Yoshinori · 31/01/2021 06:50

You actively choose to get pregnant with someone you’ve been with for less than a year ?

I genuinely didn’t realise how common that was until I joined Mumsnet.

Crazy.

All I’m going to say is good luck and prepare to be a single mother.

Sunshine1982flowers211111 · 31/01/2021 11:57

My first baby my beautiful daughter was conceived after just being with my ex for 2 weeks - she is THE LOVE of my life and my gift from heaven. I would speak to someone you love and trust who has your best interests at heart and seriously think carefully before you make any decisions. Ultimately it is up to you and what’s best for you but just take time to really think it all through xx

Brunt0n · 31/01/2021 11:59

I would dump him immediately and have an abortion

2020wish · 31/01/2021 13:09

Oh dear . Honestly it looks as if he needed to trap you through pregnancy and then tell
U this so it was harder for u to leave. Based on him admitting a previous partner leaving him over it and then he relationship moving so quickly...

I would take his as a massive red flag and trust is now completely broken... you don’t know this man at all.. I’m so sorry xx

Congratulations on ur pregnancy but u need to think long and hard on this... and only you know if this is something you can get over x