Unplanned 3rd pregnancy, hand hold please

[FreakingOut1]

I just need people to talk to please. I'm sorry if anything I say is upsetting, I appreciate there are so many people struggling to conceive so I'm not taking anything for granted in anything I say here.

I have two DC aged 3 and 13months. Husband firmly happy with two right now, not ruled out another but 99% certain he is set. We've had sex twice (I know..) in the past 3 months both using condoms. My periods haven't returned as I am still breastfeeding dc2. I have felt really odd past three weeks or so and have done now the third test and I am pregnant. I can't believe it. I feel sick, happy, terrified, I have no idea how to tell dh.
We have a three bed, so one child in each atm, no huge sums of money to extend and I really don't want to move. Financially we can afford childcare for another albeit it will take a significant chunk of our disposal income. I am due back to work in five weeks. I was off sick for the last four months of my last pregnancy so I've been off for 18months to go back and say I'm pregnant again... I am very worried about this. I feel ashamed, confused, I don't know what to do. I don't want to have a termination I know that, but I I have no idea where to start. I feel so alone right now with this in my head. Anyone been in this position?

Sorry I realise I have just spurted out info, my head is spinning. I had two very faint results two days ago and convinced myself they were evaps. I've also recently started drinking as dc2 is slowing breastfeeding.

I think the first thing you need to do is to speak to your husband so that you can both discuss this together.

I would try to put all other thoughts to the back burner for now regarding work and extending as you need to take one thing at a time. It seems you have already made your mind up as to what you would ideally want to do as you have clearly thought about the things that would practically need to be considered like work, finances, home.

Do you know how far along you possibly are?

Congratulations! I am actually planning to have three kids in a similar situation. It can definitely be done, my mother grew up with 3 siblings split across 2 rooms and they have a very strong bond. My husband also started out hoping for two kids but has come round to my way of thinking and is excited about the prospect of a bigger family. We both love the special feeling a new baby brings 👶!

1st of all talk to DH.

The moving of house, you can fit another in there. We have a 3 bed with 5 kids and pregnant again. The teen's not happy about that but my dads parents raised 9 in a back to back so she can lump it lol.
Work wise... look in to how financially viable it would be to become a one income vs 2 income household. No point trying to earn if all the money goes on childcare.

I became a sham when I fell pregnant with number 3. DH is military so it just made day to day life much easier without a job for me to work around. More kids doesn't always mean massive extra costs if you work with what you have already. When we had our twins we had to upgrade to a 7 seater but that was the biggest expense.

Thank you everyone for being so kind, it means alot.

I haven't told DH yet. I can't imagine what he will think or how I will say it even. I haven't had periods for nearly two years so it was a hunch that made me test. He will look at me like I am mad I am sure. Because of the lack of periods I don't know how far long I am but I suspect, and only suspect, I am four weeks.

I know I've skipped straight to the practical side of things.. You are right in that I would like to keep the baby but I'm scared DH will freak out so having the practical elements lined up in atleast my mind might help the conversation. I can't, right now, consider a termination, and that's just my opinion, it doesn't bear weight on anyone else's decision but I can't get my head around that. But perhaps that's because I came from a big family and see it differently. I won't sleep easy tonight but I'm hoping tomorrow I might have calmed down abit

Remember that it is your choice, ultimately. Your husband may well put up resistance, initially, but don't get discouraged, he will definitely feel differently when the baby is there :)

Morning all, massive mixed emotions this morning. I woke up and bam if hit me. I think I'd actually switched it off in my mind overnight. Currently in bed with my youngest snoozing and half of me thinks aw lovely, I get to do this again, the other thinks, how the hell can I?? I'm 35 so not exactly young, I'm exhausted all the time and haven't lost my baby weight at all this year so I'm overweight to start with.
I feel guilty as dc2 had such a crap year due to covid too, so any excitement about maternity leave is only going to be squashed by that.
And how the bloody hell would I tell work. I'm due back In less than five weeks. They will immediately think I will go off sick again, and it will mean I've worked something like 12monthd in five years due to mat leave... Its awful on their part. I've been there ten years, and was promoted to a management role after the last mat leave which I only did for five months til off sick. They've been muddling through for 18months now. I can't give it up as we can't afford to live of DH wage alone. I work three days now but would technically be the 'bread winner'. I guess I could up to four days if we needed the money. But I feel so cheeky telling them I'm pregnant again. What if I lose my job, we would be screwed.
This is all going to come up with DH 😔

Hi Op, I can’t offer advice but it sounds like you don’t want an abortion. I understand worrying about what work will think but please don’t. You definitely aren’t they first person to get pregnant again while on maternity leave. I know two currently.

Just something that stood out to me in your last message was that your DS has had a tough first year with covid so not being able to go out. A benefit of a second maternity leave with a small gap will hopefully mean you can take him and the new baby to all the classes he’s missed out on.

Well I told DH last night. He basically laughed saying it wasn't possible as we'd been careful. Told me to test this morning which I did, and of course it was positive, he just said 'hell no, no way' (in a bad way) and has since just been playing with the kids pretending I don't exist. I went out as I can't bear it, came home an hour later and he hasn't even looked at me.
On top of that the test looks lighter than two days ago, so I don't even know of things are progressing right. I've had popping sensation in my lower abdomen for about three weeks so I'm also now terrified it's not wind like I thought and I might be much further along. I feel so in the dark with it all and scared this will ruin us. I'm just going to have to wait til the kids go to bed tonight to see what, if anything, is said.

Not everyone knows condoms aren't 100% guarantee, your husband may be doubting paternity or thinking you got pregnant via some trickery/dirty tactics against his will. Can that be the reason for his pretending you don't exist? Might be going through right turmoil. You two should talk candidly about what each is feeling and hopefully come to some mutual understanding. Also why not book an appointment with your doctor to establish how far along you are? Good luck!

I’m so sorry he’s reacting like that. Is that normal for him or could he just be in shock and needs time to process it? Ignoring you isn’t nice.

Yeah we will have to talk it out later. We have no choice. I don't believe he didn't know they are not 100% effective, I think he just didn't believe me last night when I told him..I don't think he doubts paternity either as I have been absolutely nowhere as I've been on mat leave all through covid lockdown with both kids. The furthest I've been is the park.
I will call the area Midwife on Monday. I'm assuming I need a scan to figure all this out...

@Teakind I'm hoping its just shock.

Thanks all for your support. I can't talk to anyone IRL

Hopefully by this evening he will have had time to process it a bit.

How are you feeling about the pregnancy now?

Calling the midwife sounds like a good idea so you can find out how far along you are.

Is he still ignoring you or starting to thaw a bit?

No he's gone off with his tool kit, so I'm alone with the kids. Literally not a word to me.

I'm still shocked myself so can understand that. I know I don't want to consider a termination but admit my head is spinning because it really wasn't planned at this stage for our family, if ever it was going to. Im hoping later he will actually hold a conversation with me because I could really do with some reassurance from him that we can work this out.

He shouldn't be ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment, that's really selfish... whatever you decide will have the biggest impact on you...similar boat to you, btw...haven't told anyone yet tho... scared of similar reaction.

@tigerlily20 I hope you get a better reaction. Is this number three for you? I hope you are feeling OK.

I'm worried either way as daft as it sounds. That he will either say he wants me to have a termination or that he will go along with it and then forever be resentful. I really hope he's atleast thinking it through. The kids have been pretty good today, I must say the past few weeks there has been quite hairy behaviour from them not helped by being trapped in by covid so it's probably not made him think wahoo I will have more of that to deal with.

As a pp said I’d definitely call the midwife on Monday so you can see how things are progressing. Has DH spoke to you yet?

I’m currently pregnant with DC3 - very much planned and bigger age gap than yours & I still have moments of thinking WTF am I doing! It’s normal- especially as your youngest is still so young.
I’ve always felt 3 is the perfect number it’s less about even wanting another baby, more looking ahead to when they’re more grown up and how lovely family gatherings will be- while I think 3 still feels just about manageable and you can still give them enough of your time/ attention.
Give yourself time to get your head around it and know your feelings are perfectly normal.

Also re. DH it’s like you’re almost feeling guilty and so much of your anxiety about his is fear of his reaction/ guilt almost? You BOTH had sex. You still managed to get pregnant. It’s nobodies “fault” but no one is to blame. It’s something he needs to share with you.

Yep 3rd and two really small children so would have 3 under 4. No I'm pretty sure, I'll get a worse reaction than yours... he's moody at the best of times but I have suggested vasectomy since last one was born. I do all the graft and pay all the bills anyway 🤷‍♀️ so it's me who has all the hardwork, I'll guess I need time to come to terms with it myself and make my own decision before I tell him because I don't want an ear worm swaying anything. I will obviously consider his thoughts and feelings too, when the time comes. I hope your husbands reaction isn't stressing you too much, things would be so much easier with the right support, men are so stupid sometimes.

Oh lovely I really feel for you. Your head is going to be spinning!
One of my best friend's fell pregnant 6 weeks after having a c-section and she went through all the worries you are. We talked about why she couldn't go through with it, health concerns considering she'd just had major surgery ! And everything else, she'd been at her job a couple of months before leaving to have her baby! She couldn't find a way out, everything was a negative and terrifying!! But the one thing she knew was that she couldn't go through with a termination. And now she has her 3 DCs and it all works out in the end. You can talk to us about all of your worries as it's such a scary situation to be in, the unknown, feeling like you're letting people down etc. But this life is for living and nothing brings more joy than your babies, that's what counts. Don't worry about anyone else in regards to work and the lack of space in the house. When bubba is here it will be the making of you xx

@tigerlily20 so stupid sometimes you're right. And can't use their words!!! 🙄
I hope you're ok?

@FreakingOut1 sorry to read about your DH reaction, he's probably in shock and will start to talk to you about it all soon