Is this normal? Was your other half like this?

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

Firstly I do know where DH is coming from because we had a miscarriage in August at7 weeks. It was awful, obviously. I’m 35 so I tho I that makes it harder, knowing time isn’t on our side aged we were right back at square one.

Anyway I’m pregnant again (6.5weeks so terrifyingly early still) and I feel like I’m on a knife edge all day every day, I’m a nanny so working very hard with homeschooling but constantly scared I’ll start bleeding.

Having said that ok trying to cling on to a bit of hope because, well you do, don’t you?! DH supportive in essence but obviously doesn’t have to live with that anxiety every minute of the day and feeling already responsible for the little life growing inside.

Anyway DH really upset me last night, and I don’t know if I’m just being irrational and hormonal. He basically said until he sees ‘it’on a screen at12 weeks he’s not getting attached to anything. That it’s not safe to get excited before then, and until he has a visual image of everything being ok he won’t be getting too invested.

Does this not sound a bit cold? I just feel like it’s all on me not to have a miscarriage before then so he can start thinking of it as an actual baby, whereas obviously I’m living with it every day. I also think well lucky him not to have to invest or get attached to anything, I don’t have that luxury when I’m dealing with the symptoms and being terrified all day that it’s not going to stick. It’s not like I’m buying up half of JoJo Mamam Bebe or anything (obviously not looked at buying anything yet!) but of course I already think of it as a little life. Also, he won’t even be seeing much as our local hospital still won’t let partners into scans or appointments. So will it suddenly feel really to him when I come out waving a little black and white scan photo?! We will probably get a private scan too but he just says there’s ‘no point’ until the NHS one. I just feel like I have to now wait six weeks for him to be bothered?! I’ve tried to explain to him nothing magical happens at 12 weeks to make it all ok but that seems to be the point that for him it’s a viable baby. Before that I’m not sure what exactly he thinks it is.

I just was counting on him being a bit more positive I think, but also there’s a part of me that can’t quite put my finger on why I feel so upset

People protect themselves in different ways, I absolutely see why this is upsetting for you but he's trying not to get his hopes up. I know its hard when you're the one living it, having any symptoms, knicker checking but he physically can't do that.
I think you can explain to him that thats ok for him, but if the worst happens you will need support as you can't operate like him.

I was more pessimistic than DH, couldn't refer to it as a baby, added a "if we get that far" to every conversation, it probably wasn't nice for him when he was excited but I couldn't deal with it otherwise.

And if you want an early scan you go and get one, sure there's no magic point when everything is OK but it might give you a little reassurance and break up that long wait to 12 weeks.

I really hope you have an uneventful and wonderful pregnancy

My partner was a bit like this. I had two early losses last year and he said until the scans he wasn’t going to get excited. I’m 12 weeks now but we booked a private scan at 10 weeks and he really change after he saw it, and went to work to proudly show off the pictures. Maybe it’s just their way of protecting themselves after hurting the last time. Either way he was very supportive, just not excited, when I started getting horrendous nausea and exhaustion from 5 and a half weeks. He has done all the cooking, cleaning and shopping coz I have felt too awful. all I have had to do it the washing as he can’t be trusted to follow clothing instructions 😂😂😂😂. So is he supporting you in other ways to show he cares? X

First and foremost, congratulations!!!

As for your DP, he's just being pragmatic, OP.
It's very early days and miscarriages are traumatic for both. I think you need his optimism to fuel your own, which isn't quite there if you're honest with yourself. You're understandably anxious and quite possibly looking to him for moral support. He too is anxious.
I've had several miscarriages and a stillbirth (this isn't a race! I promise, I'm not playing Pregnancy Loss Top Trumps) but I can completely understand you. Grief is rather isolating, as is fear. You want so much to be thrilled and unfortunately, the experience of pregnancy loss takes that away. You live it, you learn it, so to speak and understandably, you both feel a bit shaken.

I think your DH is right though. Once you get to 12 weeks, you can begin to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. You can't magic up his joy, unfortunately (which is there in the background, like white noise. But he's too scared to grab it with both hands). He doesn't sound hopeless by any means, just cautious. You can't force emotions. But you can be on each other's side. The best thing you could do is work on you instead of him. You have to look after yourself and your anxiety. Try and work on that, is the best thing you could possibly do right now. Look after you, in other words. The rest will fall into place.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

My DH is the most loving man but this pregnancy he completely detached till we had a positive 12 week scan. We had a horrific MMC before this pregnancy which hit him hard so I think he was just protecting his heart. I do understand your feelings though, it's really tough and can feel really lonely. And I'm not gonna lie, I didn't like much at the beginning but he's starting to bond now and a million times better, I'm 15 weeks.

From what you've said I think he's trying to protect himself from the pain of getting excited to losing the baby. He's just not being very diplomatic on voicing how he feels to you.

Also please remember nothing has changed for him yet, he doesn't get to enjoy the changes you get, the excitement of those first fluttering movements. All he gets is the outward changes, but from what he's said, once you've had that 12 week scan, I think he'll let himself relax and he'll get excited.

You're rightfully upset. At the same time I completely understand his feelings on this, he's scared of getting attached at this stage and that is understandable. I know it feels really harsh but he's just trying to protect his own mental health in a way, a bit selfish as there are two of you with the same fears but it will get better the further along you get with the pregnancy.

It's been a bit opposite with us. We had a mc at 9wk in July, our 5th mc. We'd had a private scan that confirmed a hb, a week later I lost it anyway. Dh didn't want to discuss it at all, after a few months I realised that his way of grieving was to bury his head in the sand. I wanted to start ttc straight away but he didn't. Once I said okay we won't, boom! Pregnant again and currently 10+3wk. Dh has already said he's excited but I just can't be until after the dating scan in 2 weeks.

My DH was exactly the same - he was so excited with 1st PG so it was a shock with the 2nd when he wasn't. We had another MC and it was tough - good that he could be strong for me and look after me but he wasn't going through the same grieving process which was hard. He was the same (detached) with the 3rd until after 20 wk scan but now he's super excited again. It was difficult - like you say you don't have that option - but I can't blame him for protecting himself the best way he could.

So sorry you're going through this - it's really rough being PG after MC and can feel quite lonely. There are plenty of people who understand though.

Thank you all so much, I really needed that for a bit of perspective.

He is, by nature, a very sensible, pragmatic person, I think I’m a bit more flighty and reactive @TheVanguardSix I think you've hit the nail on the head when you said I need his optimism to fuel mine, that’s really true, and I thought I had it until last night when he talked about not getting excited.

He is supportive in other ways I guess although I think he thinks it’s too early for symptoms really so I have snapped at him a couple of times when he was sceptical that I felt sick and tired. I feel awful that I’m just wishing away these six weeks but I really am. If I could take some kind of tablet and just dull myself to everything and fast forward until I hit 12 weeks then I would.

I think I’ll definitely get a scan at ten weeks. Even if it only reassures me for the short term. Just feels like a big leap booking anything right now when I’m at the point where it went tits up last time!

Oh I feel you there, I remember being irrationally furious at those online who were further on with pregnancy as they were past the most worrying stage - hormones are crazy!
Definitely not too early for symptoms so don't let him get away with that, he can react how he likes but he needs to support you

My partner was slightly similar. He said he couldn't get excited until we were out the first trimester and seen that baby is okay on scan. I'm just over 10 weeks.

I had an ectopic in sept with my tube removed and it was all very traumatic as I was in surgery for 4 hours and lost a lot of blood.

So I think, even though we know baby is in the right place, my DP is just worried! X

Hi OP, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I can really relate to this, and I would have been hurt by that comment too, at least initially. I have not had a MC before but I am almost 37 and have a condition that has made it hard to get pregnant. After trying for almost a year and being told I probably couldn't conceive naturally and that MCs were very likely, we were lucky and I am now 11 weeks.

When I told my DH, he wasn't exactly thrilled. Despite the fact that we had been trying, he got quiet and anxious. He seemed to be focused on the fact that I had a high likelihood of miscarriage, and also all the responsibility that he was now facing. He is also very pragmatic and methodical whereas I am more led by my feelings (neither are bad). Rather than being happy, the first few weeks of knowing about the pregnancy felt strained and we had a lot of conversations about that. My feelings were hurt, but I tried to put myself in his position and I think he tried to do the same for me. We are both quick tempered people but in general have tried to get past that with each other over the course of our relationship, although it's always challenging! One thing that has helped me is trying to calmy explain that I need support, even though there are risks, that makes me need positivity even more!

Things have gotten better though. This past weekend we had an early scan (in a private clinic so he could come) and it was really transformative. I think hearing the heartbeat and seeing the baby was a big turning point for him - he is now excited and apologized for his earlier hesitation, and we are being more lighthearted, talking about baby names etc. I think he just needed time, and we both had to try to and understand each other's perspective. I think because it's not happening in our DH's bodies it's all a bit abstract until it suddenly becomes real.

I hope this helps, and that things get better. Wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy x

The first 12 weeks of pregnancy are really hard, especially after loss but I think your partner is acting quite normal. My partner has been the same since our first miscarriage, and it's a form of protecting himself and as well as the fact he's not connected to the pregnancy physically like I am. We grieve very differently too, but I know he's always there for me and that's what matters.

It may be worth mentioning to your partner that it doesn't matter whether they hide away from the fact you're pregnant or whether they get excited, if the worst was to happen again, it'll hurt just as much. So if they could open up a bit to the pregnancy to support you, that would be really helpful.

Just remember, whilst it feels like a huge responsibility as you're the pregnant one, you have little control on the outcome of this pregnancy at this stage, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself "not to miscarry" in the next 6 weeks. That's really something you can do without, so try to just focus on each day you are pregnant and count down the days and weeks to your first scan. Wishing you congratulations and the best for this pregnancy.

My OH was like this with both of my pregnancies and tbh it was a bit of a downer and as you say, it felt cold and very unfeeling to me.

We’ve talked about it a little and for him it was very much a self-preservation thing to try and minimise distress or heartache should things have not worked out. He’s a calm, rational, very organised sort of person and this reaction was probably very in-keeping with who he is, I just didn’t see it at the time. I didn’t let it upset me and we didn’t argue about it.

Men can be very strange and the ones I’ve known at least have been terrible at communicating. It doesn’t mean your OH isn’t happy about the pregnancy, he just needs something more tangible.

Congratulations and I hope everything works out x

My DH was like this when I was pregnant with DD after a miscarriage. And then he got quite tearful at the ultrasound when they said everything was fine - he had seemed a little cold beforehand but seeing his face at the ultrasound made me realise it wasn’t coldness at all, he was just trying to protect himself.

Oh OP, I do really understand you. I'm writing to you from a perspective of hindsight. I'm almost 50 and I can look back and clearly understand those moments when DH and I were completely out of sync. I needed his optimism to encourage my own and I couldn't force it. I felt such resentment too that our losses stifled what should have been the early-days joy of our successful pregnancies. Once you both reach a cruising altitude at 12 weeks, you can take off your seatbelts and move around the cabin.
Just remind yourself, you're on each other's side. You really, really are. And look after YOU, most importantly.
You're a homeschooling nanny? I bow down and worship you, OP! You win all of the medals for that one!

I have very similar feelings to your husband. I'm currently 11 weeks after 3 miscarriages and I can't think of this as a baby yet. Definitely not until at least 12 weeks and probably not even then if we make it that far. We don't talk about it too much and if we do it's always 'if this works out' or 'if we have a baby' etc etc. I understand your frustration, I really do because I'm obviously also the one who is more connected to the fact there's something growing inside me. I can't switch off and he can, but if I think of this as a baby and we lose it again, I don't know how I would deal with that. I'm guessing your husband feels the same. I hope the next 5 weeks go quickly for you and you see a lovely healthy baby wriggling around at 12 weeks

I am pregnant with my first and my DP is being the same, no previous losses so cannot relate on that front, he however has spent the last 3 years thinking he is the reason we couldn't have a baby. I think he is in disbelief this has really happened and can't get his head round just a test saying its in there. He doesn't want an early scan and whilst it might be reassuring for now, it doesn't prevent a loss before 12 weeks. I am 7+1.

I am trying to remain positive and a cautiously excited but it is sad that we cannot openly discuss even practical things yet.

I hope all goes well for you and i am sure when the time comes he will be full of joy and pride for your growing bump.

this is exactly how my partner was after our 9 week miscarriage. Soon as the 12 week scan came he became more invested gradually as the pregnancy continued. he used to say it's not going to get real til he knew both me and our son were okay. xx

I couldn’t get attached until the 20 week scan. I relaxed a bit more after 12 weeks, but found 12-20 quite hard. My DP is a lot more relaxed and very much “what will be, will be”. I think it’s protection OP. It certainly was in my case. Previous losses really do suck the joy out of early pregnancy. Good luck

Ok it sounds like it is a an understandable stance from him then- actually part of me is quite jealous that I can’t detach in the same way. I think I’m also a bit confused as when we got the positive test he spent ages researching numbers and statistics (he’s a research analyst 🤦🏻‍♀️) to show me how likely it was that this pregnancy would progress without incident, the statistics on two miscarriages in a row etc, and now he clearly doesn’t believe his own hype!!

@TheVanguardSix I’m so glad to hear you had successful pregnancies too, I’m sorry for your losses. I only have a tiny taste of what that is like but absolutely get how marred the joy of becoming pregnant is now (maybe I’m kidding myself though and no one feels joy in the early weeks, maybe it’s just a worry for everyone from the outset?!)

And I agree @RunnerGirl123, it’s going to be horrible if I lose it whether I let myself get attached or not! I tell myself I’m not sure I’d even want to try again but I know I would, all I wanted to do when I lost the first one was get straight back on the wagon again, not just because as 35 I don’t want to mess about but also I wanted to quickly get back what we’d lost, which sounds terrible but that’s how I felt. Also my SIL and a couple of friends announced their pregnancies at that time and I knew the only thing that would make me feel better and even happy for them was to be pregnant again myself, which sounds quite churlish reading it back...

Both myself and DH felt the same. This was my first pregnancy but we both know several people who have had miscarriages and even a couple of people who had almost full term still births. That made us extra cautious and it took us a very long time to start being emotionally attached (obviously me less so than him).

It was only when I started showing, we could feel him move and I had the 20 week scan that we started to relax and get attached and excited and even then, I'm almost 30 weeks and we're still unsure whether it's too early to start buying clothes because we don't want to jinx it!

It's a natural reaction to protect yourself from being hurt should something go wrong. Give him time and he'll come round.

@SmidgenofaPigeon congratulations first of all! Just wanted to say I'm a nanny too and I totally understand how much harder our jobs are at the mo, I'm 14 weeks and struggling with the tiredness.
Regarding your partner I think it's quite normal, esp considering your miscarriage. Partners don't have the physical things we have so he's probably trying to protect himself. I had an early scan as my trust aren't allowing partners into the scans still and I didn't want the first scan to be alone xx

Thanks @Baker0104 yes it’s tough isn’t it- I am praying it doesn’t go on until Easter, I’m doing my best obviously but it’s intense and hard and my boss hasn’t been into the office for almost a year- ordinarily I’m a sole charge nanny only and wouldn’t choose to take a job where the parent is at home. A lot of adjustment all round!

If you don’t mind me asking, what week did you have a private scan? I know it doesn’t prevent any outcome but I feel it would reassure me in the short term- but I won’t want to go to early and risk not seeing a lot. A bit wary of them since I read a report that says they’re often not trained to give bad news or spot any problems so it might not reassure at all

Best of luck to you @Bubbles1st and I hope it feels real to your DP soon x

Congrats on your pregnancy, hope this one is lovely and smooth for you with no complications.

I'm going to be honest and say I was exactly like your partner.
My lovely oh was super excited as soon as I peed on a stick, but I didn't actually start feeling excited or even attached to baby until basically my 20week scan. I needed my screening results back before I allowed myself to relax a little then I got anxious again on the lead up to the anomaly scan, but once I saw baby was growing find and there were no obvious issues (stomach where it should be, kidneys, bladder, heart all fine, no evidence of a cleft lip etc) I let myself connect with her.

As previous posters have said, it's just a way to protect yourself. It doesn't mean I love this baby any less, I was just making sure I protected myself should the worst happen, I could still function for the other people in my life.

Your oh will get there- just give him a bit of time. X

@SmidgenofaPigeon I am incredibly lucky that my bosses are surgeons so they still go out of the house, but then I do have more of a risk of them bringing it home so swings and roundabouts lol.

With my scan I had one at 7+4 weeks, I also read that report and it scared me so I found somewhere more medical for my scan compared to others. They were amazing and really informative. Not sure where you are based but I'd highly recommend them if you're near me in Kent. I chose to have an internal scan as I have a high bmi and I knew the external one at that stage would be tough, also the detail is so much clearer on an internal scan at the early stages. To be honest it looked just like a little butterbean but you could see the heartbeat flickering and that was enough for me. I think the early scans are a really personal choice, as long as you know there are still risks then I don't think it can do any harm xx