Is this normal? Was your other half like this?

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

Firstly I do know where DH is coming from because we had a miscarriage in August at7 weeks. It was awful, obviously. I’m 35 so I tho I that makes it harder, knowing time isn’t on our side aged we were right back at square one.

Anyway I’m pregnant again (6.5weeks so terrifyingly early still) and I feel like I’m on a knife edge all day every day, I’m a nanny so working very hard with homeschooling but constantly scared I’ll start bleeding.

Having said that ok trying to cling on to a bit of hope because, well you do, don’t you?! DH supportive in essence but obviously doesn’t have to live with that anxiety every minute of the day and feeling already responsible for the little life growing inside.

Anyway DH really upset me last night, and I don’t know if I’m just being irrational and hormonal. He basically said until he sees ‘it’on a screen at12 weeks he’s not getting attached to anything. That it’s not safe to get excited before then, and until he has a visual image of everything being ok he won’t be getting too invested.

Does this not sound a bit cold? I just feel like it’s all on me not to have a miscarriage before then so he can start thinking of it as an actual baby, whereas obviously I’m living with it every day. I also think well lucky him not to have to invest or get attached to anything, I don’t have that luxury when I’m dealing with the symptoms and being terrified all day that it’s not going to stick. It’s not like I’m buying up half of JoJo Mamam Bebe or anything (obviously not looked at buying anything yet!) but of course I already think of it as a little life. Also, he won’t even be seeing much as our local hospital still won’t let partners into scans or appointments. So will it suddenly feel really to him when I come out waving a little black and white scan photo?! We will probably get a private scan too but he just says there’s ‘no point’ until the NHS one. I just feel like I have to now wait six weeks for him to be bothered?! I’ve tried to explain to him nothing magical happens at 12 weeks to make it all ok but that seems to be the point that for him it’s a viable baby. Before that I’m not sure what exactly he thinks it is.

I just was counting on him being a bit more positive I think, but also there’s a part of me that can’t quite put my finger on why I feel so upset

Congrats on the pregnancy. To be honest I was always a bit like your husband in terms of my level of emotional investment and I’m the one pregnant! I have 2 children and luckily everything was fine with them from getting pregnant to having them. Yet I didn’t really want to think I was bringing a baby home until pretty far in. I didn’t even collect the pram until after our first arrived “just in case” I didn’t bring a baby home. When it came to trying for our 3rd last year I fell pregnant right away again, I couldn’t believe my luck, but part of me even having had 2 children no issues didn’t want to get too attached. I miscarried at 7 weeks and though it was sad and not very pleasant I wasn’t overly invested. We tried again the next month and again I fell pregnant (I do know how lucky we are for this to happen), I’ve held off all excitement and didn’t even tell close family until over 20 weeks this time, it’s only once I hit 25 weeks Ive started to believe we might be bringing a baby home. I guess it’s just a way of protecting yourself, I don’t particularly think it’s a thing your husband is doing because he’s a man, it just makes it easier if it does go wrong. I had a mope for a few days when I miscarried but I wasn’t by any means devastated, I don’t think I let myself get too invested too soon.

Good luck with the pregnancy, hope it all goes well x

As PP have said this is a very common way for both genders to protect themselves emotionally. I think it's especially common in men not least because nothing is really happening that they can see or experience for quite some time. The changes in your body and how you feel are real for you but quite abstract for the father. And just because he knows the odds of miscarrying are low doesn't mean that he doesn't need to protect himself against the chance that it will happen. Wildly improbable things happen to people literally every day. The 12 week scan does a lot to make it real for both of you.

Give it time, try not to take it personally. Hopefully everything will be smooth and you can both be excited soon enough.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP. I'm pregnant after a miscarriage and had the same approach as your husband. I didn't really start seeing it as a baby until about 30 weeks. That might sound cold but until I was confident things were going to be ok I didn't see the point in getting attached. I'm looking forward to being a mum now but still fairly pragmatic about the whole thing.

I hope this pregnancy all goes well for you!

Thanks @Baker0104 I’m in West London but that’s a good thought about a more medical-based place. I’ll do some research.

Good to know it’s a normal way to feel and to get from other perspectives. I am envious of people who can be more detached from it and pragmatic, honestly. I don’t know if at this point it would truly make it easier if it went wrong though- I think i’d feel just as gutted as there’s no exact science on how long it all takes and as I said, I’m already 35 and haven’t had one yet! So to go back down the snake in the game of snakes and ladders now would be galling. I do probably still harbour a slight bit of resentment that we left it longer than I wanted to start trying, but we had sensible reasons for that. Left up to me I would have just gone for it a couple of years ago and come what may but then, I did choose to marry sensible, pragmatic organised DH, and it’s just not his way .

I have said the same about my own pregnancy following a MMC at 12 weeks last year after seeing the heartbeat on early scans and thinking all was fine. Cold as you put it was more my only way to cope in the first trimester (I'd say detached and terrified).

I meant to add that I mean in the first trimester of my next (current pregnancy) at the end there.