How hard is it going from one child too two?

[Magik01]

Hello! I have a DS who is 2 years 3 months and an currently pregnant! He will be around 2 years 10 months (hopefully!) when other baby arrives.

How easy/hard did you find adjusting from one child too two? Any tips as I’m quite scared!

I have that exact age gap and the main thing I would say is that it’s easier going from 1 to 2 children compared to 0 to 1. When you have a baby the first time it turns your life upside down but the second time you’re already used to being a mum. My DS is nearly 1 now and I’d say the first few weeks were the hardest with sleep deprivation and my DD getting used to sharing attention. I’d definitely recommend making use of nursery funding when your older one turns 3 as it gives you the one on one time with the baby and overall just accept that some days are great and some days are just for getting through. It’s been the loveliest thing to see the bond developing between my two.

As for sleep deprivation I found DC1 a really horrible shock to the system, with DC2 it's like I was still in the zone with being able to manage with less or fragmented sleep if that makes sense.

@Frazzled99 it sounds so harsh doesn’t it when we say we dread it but I suppose it’s the ugly truth! A newborn is easy and hard at the same time!

I am hoping we do up his nursery to two days, it just depends on finances at the time really. On the plus side once he’s 3 years 3 months we should qualify for 30 free hours!

I found it really hard for probably 6-10 months.
DD was 3 when DS was born but still not sleeping through so both of them waking was pretty awful. DS would sleep for most of the day but usually colicky and screaming between 2 am and 5am for the first few moths (as well as DD waking a couple of times a night) so I felt pretty zombie-ish.
DS starting sleeping through at 5 or 6 months when DH took over night feeding and I thought I'd died and gone to heaven!(DD was still waking but it was still way easier)

I also think 0 to 1 was much harder than 1 to 2.

None to DD was a huge learning curve everything was new, being a first time mum was a huge adjustment in every way.

1 to 2 felt easier in many ways as I had some experience to draw on, and the knowledge that I can and have raised a healthy lovely child so could probably do it again when DS now 8 months came along.

I also think I felt more confident and capable the second time around so found this helped during the rough times (sleepless nights etc) because I realised I've done it once I could do it again.

Obviously the only difference/ challenge this time has been sharing myself amongst the two of them.

My DD was 4 when her brother came along so independent with the loo, grabbing a snack being patient for a little bit when baby was feeding etc

Congrats OP you'll do great.

Actually one of my other tips is if your older one stops napping (mine did about a month after baby was born) make that time into quiet time/screen time. My DD has some screen time after lunch and it gives me 30-45 minutes just to sit and drink a cup of tea. That’s also the time that baby DS has a nap but even before he had regular nap times that would be time he’d be on his play mat and I could just sit for a bit without any demands.

@Magik01 I think I'm a bit of a meany in that I'm more than happy to admit I find the first year pretty damn awful and I don't seem to get any mum guilt!

Another bit of advice is make it all about DC1 in the first couple of weeks. DD2 was kept alive and put in a corner in her bouncer and all the attention was on DD1 so there hasn't really been any jealousy luckily! First few weeks are hardest with the sleep but they go pretty quickly. We're at 3 months now and sleep has improved and all got a lot easier. Still certain in my mind 1-2 is easier x

I found it fine going from 1-2. I really took it hard when I had my first and I was miserable for ages. But my life didn’t change much at all when my second came along. It helped that my eldest never got jealous and they’ve always got on well.
With a two year age gap I found it harder with a three year one and a one year old though!

[quote Frazzled99]@Magik01 I think I'm a bit of a meany in that I'm more than happy to admit I find the first year pretty damn awful and I don't seem to get any mum guilt!

Another bit of advice is make it all about DC1 in the first couple of weeks. DD2 was kept alive and put in a corner in her bouncer and all the attention was on DD1 so there hasn't really been any jealousy luckily! First few weeks are hardest with the sleep but they go pretty quickly. We're at 3 months now and sleep has improved and all got a lot easier. Still certain in my mind 1-2 is easier x[/quote]
Not all babies will tolerate just being put somewhere

@BessMarvin That's very true. DD1 would have absolutely lost her s* if put anywhere as a newborn. I guess I mean the really early days, first week of life when they do generally tend to lull you into a false sense of security and sleep lots!! But yes, you're right so I should rephrase to give as much attention to DC1 whilst keeping DC2 alive and meeting their needs without trying to much else initially!

Both of mine have been the kind that made me wonder what play mats and bouncer chairs were actually for! But yes so important to give dc1 as much attention as possible. Mine sometimes says he misses me and it's quite heart breaking.

I do feel like I'm neglecting DC1 a lot of the time when the baby is fussy. It's why I didn't want to have 2 under 2 and it's another reason for me not to want anymore.

I have 2 who are 20 months apart.

I found the difficulty started when the baby started to move around as then the older was worried about his toys more and would react out of insecurity. So they needed 24/7 attention

Before that, it wasn’t so bad in terms of attention but the baby stage can be a bit demanding. I found it easier as mine was a better sleeper than my toddler.

All in all, I do recommend it however. As I feel so lucky that they’re growing together and have each other .

My second is 3 months and My eldest 3- im finding it less of a shock than 1. I’m used to interrupted sleep, even though my eldest sleeps through my sleep has never got back to pre kid levels. I knew that the newborn stage would pass and I learnt that house work can wait.
However my eldest is toilet trained, relatively well behaved, can do much herself and attends nursery a few days a wk: this all helps too!

That is the same age gap between my two. I won't lie, it is bloody hard having a mobile child who wakes up early and needs feeding, dressing, entertaining etc as well as a baby. I used to love my slow mornings with my first born, soaking her all up, or lazy afternoons having a nap. Sadly all that is impossible the second time round and is much more full on. I had much more confidence in knowing what I was doing though as its not all new. It may take a little while but you'll find your rhythm and your eldest will become more and more independent.

I keep asking myself this and I’m scared reading the replies because my 2nd are twins!!

0-1 was hell. It will probably depend on the baby/ babies. If twins are like DD I’d say it’s going to basically be torture for about 18 months. If they’re content then it may be a challenge but doable!

I’ve had friends/ family with easy babies and oh my god I am dreaming of two of those that just happily sits in the pram/ bouncer. How can I put my order in?!

Similar age gap here. On the whole I found it easier than first time round, even with terrible sleep and a pandemic, but every baby is different.

I really wouldn’t bother with half days at nursery. The hassle of leaving the house in the morning, only to have to go back a few hours later is really annoying.

I still haven’t cracked the nap thing. I have to resort to giving DC1 the iPad whilst I put the baby down. Also had to start putting the baby down to nap upstairs earlier than I would have liked because the noise of DC1 playing started to be disruptive.

Two is definitely harder than one. Once you have two, only looking after one child at a time is a piece of fucking cake. Also when they're both demanding your attention at once for different things or fighting while you're trying to cook or hang out laundry or DC2 tries to climb you while you're trying to homeschool DC1 or DC1 tries to tell you at length about their latest Lego while you're trying to change DC2's horrible nappy.

At the same time, the newborn and baby period with DC2 was a fucking breeze relatively compared to DC1. I found becoming a mother really hard but with DC2 I knew the really crap sleep phase is short, I was more relaxed, I had more perspective. And of course any expectation that I personally would have a life had long ago fucked off and died.

DC2 also basically lived in a sling while I chased DC1 around. Good times.

Maybe someone with older ones can tell us what age it all gets nice and manageable and you realise why you did it?

I will say I was a lot more confident and relaxed about stuff the second time round. I think the pandemic has really not helped as that kicked in when she was 5 months and we'd only just started classes. So if I'd been able to take her anywhere and meet mums with similar age babies that might have helped.

@Magik01
I'm sorry I made it sound horrendous!
My 2 are so loving together and generally are each others favourite person and that makes it worth it for me.
Almost all the difficulties for me could have been made better by more support, which I would have had if it weren't for the pandemic. No. 2 was an easy newborn so I was happily getting on with the ( not as bad as no. 1 sleep disruption) eldest was at nursery 3 days and we went to lots of playgroups. I was always one for getting out to a playgroup /playdate etc every day so lockdown no. 1 just knocked me for six.
The support bubble for under 1s legislation came too late to be that helpful and noone I could bubble with anyway. My husband also works shifts so it was just me and the kids for 6/7 days at a time often.
Even now they are only at nursery 1 day and thinking of activities for days/weeks/months at a time of being at home is exhausting. I do think that the fact they seem to have such a great bond most of the time though is perhaps because they spent, and spend so much time together.

I'm fairly sure I want more children though 😂.

I found 0 to 1 really hard and 1 to 2 fucking hard. But we realised later that I had undiagnosed PND with DC2, so everything is coloured by that really. I wish I'd been brave enough to ask for help (from someone other than DH) and admit I wasn't coping. DC2 bore the brunt of it as I really couldn't deal with a 2.5yr old at the same time as a new baby and I was very unhappy for the first 6 months of DC2's life. It makes me so sad thinking back on it now - for my DC and for me!

However, the 2.5yr age gap is great now (they're 5 & 7). Close enough to play with each other/ enjoy doing the same stuff, but far enough apart that we didn't, e.g., have two in nappies at the same time, etc.

@CityDweller I’m 99% sure I had PND after my first due to a lot of different factors but like you, never asked for help. I was really sad for the first 6/7 months of his life and felt I didn’t really bond. I’m scared this will happen again really. I’ve mentioned to my midwife that I’m sure I had it but she kind of brushed over it. I get quite emotionally just thinking about it really. I think that’s probably what I’m most nervous about really.

@BessMarvin
I think the worst part from 1-2 was the first 6-10 months.
After that it was fairly ok. Mine are 11 and 14 now and they don't really get on but the first year with 2 was definitely the hardest part so far.

@Magik01@CityDwellerity
I also had PND after DC2 and I think that along with lack of sleep definitely affected the first year. But as above after that was nowhere near as bad (and DS was an absolute accident waiting to happen and a like a hurricane leaving a trail of destruction in his wake between the ages of about 18 months and 4 ....but even that was manageable)