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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Did ‘not thinking about it’/‘relaxing’ help you get your BFP?

33 replies

shegehsvwjajwywiw · 17/01/2021 20:22

Just started cycle 4 of trying. CD1 today and a 3rd month with another BFP really deflated me

I’ve opened up to a friend who said I really am stressed and should try and relax and not think about it.

To an extent I do agree, I can’t stop thinking about wanting to become a mother, everytime I see someone announce a pregnancy my heart sinks as I haven’t been that lucky yet.

I don’t know how to stop thinking about it as there’s not much to do in life at the minute! I go on long walks, do housework and go to work but it doesn’t stop me worrying and thinking.

Is the saying true, as soon as I ‘relax’ it’ll happen for me?

I did say to myself I’ll try to this month but I’m so nervous if I don’t schedule sex then we’ll miss our window and miss a chance!

I wish I could just be spontaneous with it and not worried

OP posts:

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mynameiscalypso · 17/01/2021 20:24

People who tell you to 'relax' and you'll just get pregnant are arseholes.

loulouljh · 17/01/2021 20:26

Yes! Bought something expensive and incompatible with babies...as a good distraction and a life long dream after years of trying to get pregnant. 3 weeks later bingo! But agree that people who tell you to just relax are annoying at best..its not that easy.

ScottishStardust · 17/01/2021 20:29

We've all been in your shoes! It sometimes just takes time! After 3 months I was getting impatient, so I'd purchased an ovulation tester kit! We fell pregnant that month - probably coincidence but perhaps it did take my mind off my hopes and dreams and helped?

dizzypixie · 17/01/2021 20:31

@mynameiscalypso lol, I totally get this, well said 😂.

I was trying about 9 months and it is pretty difficult to “relax and not think about it”. I would say that as the time went on I was trying to not stress about the outcome, but I wouldn’t say I was ever totally relaxed. Plus if I hadn’t tracked my ovulation it would have been even more difficult as some months I ovulated much later than I thought.

My best advice would be to try and have positive things planned for if it doesn’t happen that month (e.g a nice G&T or in my case it was another month of trying to get to a healthy weight and preparing my body for pregnancy)

ArtfulScreamer · 17/01/2021 20:41

TTC DD for 5 years was on an off relaxed not thinking about it for various periods during that time due to one thing or another had IVF in the end. DD is 2 in March haven't used contraception she was born as no point, booked an appt for a scan last Oct to get the ball rolling for a FET and the week before the appt found myself looking at a BFP. Do I think relaxing and not thinking about it was what did the trick? No not really I just think mother nature and the human body are fickle beasts often with no rhyme or reason to how they operate.

Shadysback · 17/01/2021 20:42

I'm not sure. The month I got pregnant after 10 months of trying, I went skiing for the week a few days after conception. I spent the week drinking too much, and enjoying myself, and didn't obsess in the way I had other months. Could well have been coincidence though. Thinking about it, I also went skiing while trying for a second a few years later, and I did not come back pregnant that time.

Original poster

shegehsvwjajwywiw · 17/01/2021 20:43

Thank you everyone. It’s true being told to ‘just relax and it’ll happen’ is SHITE. Pardon my french

I’d be relaxed if I could book a little holiday away or do something other than work and watch TV! I feel like it’s harder to fully relax and switch off during these circumstances. Every waking hour is spent thinking about how I’m not pregnant yet and wondering why!

@dizzypixie I like this idea thank you

OP posts:

Alfxn · 17/01/2021 20:47

It worked for me, the month i stopped obsessively tracking my ovulation etc was the month it happened. I was waiting on an appointment with a gynae specialist to get my fertility checked the following month, and never had to go!!

Rosieposy89 · 17/01/2021 20:47

Honestly, I believe relaxing/giving up did the trick for me. I am 5 weeks pregnant with my first. We conceived on month 24 of ttc. We had a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, failed IVF in November and were getting ready for round 2. I had honestly given up on it happening naturally, we were just having sex when we wanted it, I stopped taking my vitamins and was drinking again. I honestly believe it happened because I had really chilled out about it and was not focussing on it. You're very early on in ttc, I know it's hard but just try and relax. 98% of couples conceive within 2 years and there are treatments if it doesn't work out

StormBaby · 17/01/2021 20:47

We’ve been trying for 5 years, with a few early losses, and gave up trying ages ago. People still say ‘if you just relax it will happen’ 🙄

lucymagoo · 17/01/2021 20:52

I cannot stand the "just relax and it will happen" people, the least helpful advice ever. We conceived after 8 months and I think it was pure luck and learning my cycle that did it

Twizbe · 17/01/2021 20:59

It took me 2.5 years to get pregnant. It wasn't until year 2 when we were going through fertility tests and waiting for IVF that I actually got the 'relax' advice. It took time and happened with no input from me. My mindset just changed from thinking every month that I could be pregnant to knowing that I wasn't. I stopped living like I was pregnant, I booked holidays and events that wouldn't be ideal pregnant or possible with a baby.

I just gave up actually trying. I'd been tracking my cycle for over a year and knew the other signs my body gave that I was ovulating. I even knew what side I ovulated from thanks to a tell tale nipple.

I got pregnant my last natural cycle before IVF.

You can't 'force' the relaxation. It only happens when you've been at it so long you give up.

3 months is no time at all to be TTC. It can take a perfectly healthy couple a year to get pregnant.

EarlGreyT · 17/01/2021 21:13

@mynameiscalypso

People who tell you to 'relax' and you'll just get pregnant are arseholes.

This.

There is no evidence that relaxing makes any difference whatsoever. Anyone who claims they did get pregnant by relaxing is wrong-it’s just coincidence, the 2 things are in no way linked.

WalkingMeAway · 17/01/2021 21:20

Whilst I don’t agree with ‘just relax and it will happen’ Interestingly for me personally all 3 pregnancies have been spontaneous, if that make sense.

Before DC1 we tried for 1 year - charting, BBT etc then had to stop for around 9m for abnormal smear results to right themselves so used condoms. The one and only time we had sex without a condom after those 9m I fell pregnant.

DC2 we were on a child free holiday, very care free etc and just said one night in a drunken state. Shall we not use any contraception and ‘see what happens’. Sure enough I fell pregnant.

This pregnancy I have no bloody idea how it happened. Well I do, obviously, but we weren’t trying. Again I track my cycles and we use condoms around my fertile time. I’ve somehow managed to conceive on CD7 of my cycle 🤷🏻‍♀️ (Confirmed by 4 scans)

So whilst of course I have been extremely lucky it always baffles me how I didn’t get pregnant for that whole year of obsessively charting, tracking and having sex at all the right times, maybe for me there’s something in that more relaxed mindset ?

BabyC21 · 17/01/2021 21:30

So people who tell you to relax are the most annoying people ever... however, I went through fertility treatment after 3 years of trying ourselves. First cycle I was so hopeful but it failed. Second cycle I literally had lost all hope, came home after it and power washed the garden, scrubbed the house clean and for the next week basically assumed there was no chance I could be pregnant... took a test at 8 dpo cause I felt strange... I’m now 10 weeks pregnant. While I didn’t relax per se, I do feel I wasn’t as obsessed about it working - had resigned myself to the fact it wasn’t - so happy suprise

RuthW · 17/01/2021 22:30

Yes. Had failed treatment and decided to take the summer off to think about the next steps. Positive test early September and dd was born spring 1997.

Sparrowfeeder · 17/01/2021 23:46

After 8 months of ttc, the month we sort of gave up in (and cursorily only did it twice in the fw) was the first month we got a bfp. It ended in miscarriage so back to cycle 9/10/1? Unfortunately after the mc I am way more stressed than ever, knowing a bfp is only just the beginning that means little... and making it to term seems like an impossibility now. so I have no answers sorry. It sucks. I am going for a LOT of walks.

Grognonne · 18/01/2021 08:06

It is annoying to hear, but saying there is no evidence and dismissing it is wrong. There have been lots of studies on stress and conception. When your body is in flight or fight response it shuts down functions that are not essential for survival, which is why your periods can stop in times of stress. The science and studies behind it are robust.

Missmonkeypenny · 18/01/2021 08:22

No, IVF helped

From someone who has been down the long road of conception, there is nothing worse than people telling you to relax/take a holiday/telling you what their aunties friend did.

4 months is nothing though, OP. Completely normal for it to take up to a year for a healthy couple with no issues.

SunnySideUp2020 · 18/01/2021 08:29

When people say stop thinking about it and it will happen... that's truly annoying. When you are 6 months into BFN i found it hard to NOT think about it.
As for the relaxing... i don't know. Unless you are exhausting yourself daily or live a highly stressful life i don't think it makes any difference.
I conceived on holiday when i was way more relaxed about life. Getting plenty of sun, amazing food, a couple of drinks... etc
But i think it's a coincidence.

Nesski · 18/01/2021 09:13

I was using an ovulation temp tracker for the first 4 months, it was so much pressure on us both (more on him, when the window of opportunity came up he had to perform). I told three of my medic friends and family who told me to get rid of it asap and just DTD every two days in my 5th month, then got pregnant, it was much more relaxing, much less pressure. Although it was for a short period of time so it can be frustrating when people make comments like 'just relax, it'll happen' when they have no idea

xoxochellexoxo · 18/01/2021 09:17

It took me 14 months to conceive my first and when people who know your trying constantly keep saying just relax it will happen when it happens are so full of shit because i couldnt relax and just let it happen! Every month i blamed myself for something! In the end it was just a case of it will happen when it was our time, im now 15 weeks. Good luck and fingers crossed it happens soon 🤞🏻

Skyla01 · 18/01/2021 09:24

I wouldn't tell someone in your position to "just relax" etc, it's patronising and obviously can be quite upsetting.

However, we took 13 months to conceive our first and the month I finally got a BFP I was really chilled out. No opks, not even looking at cycle calendar, tried really hard not to think about ttc, etc.

Coincidence perhaps but either way I was much happier and relaxed that month. Felt like I was able to cope with the ttc process much better. Perhaps finding ways to cope with the stress / anxiety / obsession of ttc is the key? I would recommend looking up a woman called Bettina Rae on YouTube, I think she really helped me change my mindset for the better. Good luck!

MagpieSong · 18/01/2021 09:27

Going off-schedule and not focusing on ttc did help us (after 10 months of trying). Being told to 'just relax' is obviously unhelpful though. My dh had had radiotherapy as a teen which affected fertility (no one knows how much, he's never needed to get tested), so it may never have 'just happened' for all we knew at that point. Equally, I was aware some people have fertility issues as I'm an adoptee due to my adoptive parents being unable to conceive. However, it got to a point where I was really stressed and feeling like it would never happen and my period was out of whack because of it, so we made an agreement to stop focusing on it and concentrate on just enjoying our time - two months later, with lower stress levels, I fell pregnant with my first. The removal of stress and focus helped us, but it only really helps if stress is part of the problem.

user1493413286 · 18/01/2021 09:28

It’s probably the most unhelpful thing around to say to someone ttc. I’ve had two DC and i have no idea how you don’t think about it/relax.

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