How did you decide whether to know gender

[chickychicchic]

Hey everyone

Going to be TTC this month.
dh already has DC and he assumed we would find out the gender
This will be our only DC due to my age etc so I'm unsure if I want the surprise element or not. Also like the idea of being able to plan for the gender as I like sewing so could make things but also think would I have the energy when pregnant and working full time??

How did you decide?

We didn't want to find out but at the 20 week scan there was a distinct willy! 🤣

With my first (so long ago) I never thought to ask. Was traumatic as pregnancy wasn’t planned and my parents (mother) firstly out lots of pressure to abort, then private adoption followed by health issues and difficult delivery. I also didn’t know you could ask.

Second and third, I asked and didn’t think to give my DH option of not knowing. I moved countries to marry DH, so needed to know if it was worth shipping all my first child’s baby items over to UK or just some of them (weight of shipment being issue). We also chose name fairly early on from knowing and we all spoke to baby in my belly using their name. Very much helped my older DC bond with baby before they were born

We did the same with our next DC.

After three miscarriages where I didn't know the sex of the baby, I had amnio with 4th pregnancy and given option to find out. Reasons for the amnio meant there was a good chance pregnancy wouldn't go to term so I wanted to know a bit more. As it got close to the birth I was getting a bit irritated with the sea of pink I was being drowned in by well meaning friends and relatives.

5th time I was a bit more relaxed. It was a totally different experience. I wasn't bothered about the sex. (Despite previous experiences I had no worries that this would not result in a healthy baby.) I was absolutely huge whereas I'd been very neat first time around. I was constantly told it was obviously a boy which I believed. When I was told she was a girl I was so surprised - and delighted. (and I think the delight would have been the same had it been a boy.)

It was lovely breaking the news when she arrived.

It's a surprise no matter when you find out. We found out at 20 weeks and loved having that time prepare for our little girl.

Sex. Not gender.

I didn't with either - DH told me at birth (it was in my birth plan that midwife wasn't to tell me)

I was also in the mindset that it's a lovely surprise whether you find out at the scan or at the birth. I'm glad I found out, I was more organised, it felt more real, we had a shortlist of names ready (couldn't agree on any boys names so once we found out she was a girl at least we didn't have to try and come up with any) and I felt like I could bond more with her saying 'her' all the time rather than 'it.' Also, I had a long labour, induction that lasted days then ended up a c section, by the time she was born, I just wanted to get something to eat then go to sleep, I felt so out of it, I'm glad I got that exciting moment of finding out when I could fully enjoy it. I will definitely be finding out again in future.

We chose not to find out the sex because:

• 20 week scan was just me due to Covid and I would have wanted us to find out together
• we really didn’t mind
• we wanted the surprise

Next DC we will find out, because:

• will help prepare DD
• will help with practicalities re whether to get rid of her clothes she’s grown out of plus thinking about next house (we’re currently in a 2 bed so room sharing etc to consider)
• next DC will be our last so I feel like if it’s a girl I need to slightly grieve the boy I’ll never have (or if it’s a boy, grieve for DD’s ‘sister’ that will never be)
• plus that way we’ll have done it both ways so will have experienced knowing and not knowing!

I found out as I like to plan and loved having the time to get used to the idea of what I was having and consider names for that gender.

The only thing I’d change if I had to decide again is that I wouldn’t tell anyone else instead of telling everyone as we did - I’d keep it a secret between me and my partner until the baby was born.

With DS1 I didn't find out, with DS2 I found out by accident and with DD I found out at 20 weeks. None of their births were any more or less special through knowing or not knowing what sex they would be. I was meeting my babies for the first time - how could it be any more special?

I always thought before I got pregnant that I wouldn’t want to know and it would be great to have a surprise at birth.
Now I am pregnant there is no way I can wait! My opinion has changed and I just feel like I can’t wait that long haha! That is mostly down to me being impatient but it’s also for the practicalities. It will make me feel more prepared and organised when baby is here
All the best TTC Xx

None of their births were any more or less special through knowing or not knowing what sex they would be. I was meeting my babies for the first time - how could it be any more special?

This is such a lovely way of putting it and is exactly how I felt. Knowing he was a boy before he arrived seemed irrelevant in comparison to actually meeting him. Plus there was still so much I didn't know about him like his hair colour, size, who he looked like, his personality etc that knowing he was a boy before he arrived didn't seem to matter.

Basically when other people told me what they were having when they were pregnant the excitement for them slightly wore off for me and I didnt want that for myself.
I didn't want to know who I was meeting until I first laid eyes on them.
You don't need to buy anything clothes wise really before baby born most people will gift you an outfit. Neutral colours for bedroom, pram etc.
Plus newborn babies look better in pure white imho.

Because I wanted to prepare,choose names etc and I'm impatient l!

I preferred knowing with all of mine because it meant that we could name them very early one. Once the baby has a name... it's as if they're already a part of the family.

Obviously they are still part of the family if it's a surprise, but that was just my personal experience.

I didn't consider my children's sex to be a particularly big deal. I just regarded their sex to be another piece of information which was available to me and I found out with both. Their births were special because they were delivered safely; nothing else could have made them more special.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion mostly because we didn't want people to give us loads of pink/blue stuff! And they would have!

None of their births were any more or less special through knowing or not knowing what sex they would be. I was meeting my babies for the first time - how could it be any more special?

Well said.

Sex not gender.

I decided to find out as I was struggling with connecting with the pregnancy after a previous loss, I was quite disengaged with it and I think find out the sex made it much more real for me

For me it was never a choice. I'd always known I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there in the room not just a picture on a screen.

I think it's just as special wherever you find out my DH wasn't allowed at my 12 week scan so the private gender scan together at 17 weeks was lovely.

I know some people say, people never found out in the olden days etc, well they also didn't have scans at all if you go back far enough, or many of the other tests and checks we have done nowadays! So if you want to find out, then go for it! I was much too impatient to wait and he does feel more real to me, knowing he's a boy (23+6 today!!)

I wanted to know sex after losses as I thought it would help me connect more. I think it does help to say "him" instead of "them" and we've been able to come up with names etc. It's a bit frustrating that now everyone is buying "boy" stuff... I don't really like blue and much prefer some of the more neutral things. I also read in the positive birth book (which I would recommend) a MW who pointed out that plenty of people are disappointed with gender at 20wk scan but almost no-one is disappointed with their new baby in their arms. I think I did the right thing for me but can totally see why other people would prefer to find out at birth.

DH assumed we would too. I always assumed we wouldn't. It's strange being pregnant. I feel pregnant every day but he feels very detached from it. Like he consciously has to connect us having a baby and me being pregnant. I've started to show (16 weeks) but I can't feel baby yet. Eventually I will. I figured that this is the only thing he "gets" in terms of bonding before the birth. And if it's something he wants then that's what we will do.

It was easy for me. My first and only child. I wanted a surprise. I love to do things in the old style way and not knowing was amazing on the day.

Thanks everyone didn't mean to cause offence saying gender rather than sex!

If you want to talk special, it was pretty flippin' special to be shown our daughter's ovaries and therefore the site of the cells, already in existence at 22 weeks gestation, which might one day become our grandchildren.