Is it me? Or is it my husband?

[peasandcarrots1991]

Currently 4 months pregnant with my first baby and baby was planned.

For a first pregnancy I'm finding some areas of pregnancy quite hard because of Covid.

I'm not getting the full midwifery experience, just quick few minutes at an appointment for bloods and what not, then sent on my way. I've not had one piece of advice or information and anything I need to know I've had to research myself. Also I really am sticking to the Gov covid rules because I have had family members in hospital recently because of covid and I want to protect baby and have minimum risk. With that, it's a lonely place working from home on your own, whilst being sick all day, getting so much pressure from work (a sales job during a recession is not ideal!) and then not even getting a release of seeing friends and family or going out to do nice things. It's just being at home with your thoughts and feelings, trying to eat right, sleep right, exercise, be boss, be wife, look after house etc.

Anyway, husband and I aren't getting on too swimmingly and it's because after a few of his actions I'm feeling resentful.

• when I was 7 weeks pregnant I had shoulder pain and abdominal pain, I actually wasn't that worried but called pregnancy advice line to check as was the first real "pain" I noticed in this pregnancy and they told me to go to a&e immediately which completely panicked me. I went to a&e (alone because of covid) and they booked me in for an ultrasound two days later and said it could be an ectopic and wanted to check me over. My husband was allowed to come to the ultrasound but chose not too. I went and all was fine!

• then at 11.5 weeks I experienced my first bleed, this time I was really really worried as it went on for over two days and I had clots. I cried a lot, I couldn't sleep, and I called in sick with work one of the days my head was all over the place. Both of these days my husband got home from work, ate dinner (that I cooked) and played the PlayStation online with his friends all evening and all night and couldn't even come and lie with me or comfort me. I was upstairs feeling so scared and just expecting the worst, Googling and reading everything. But thankfully I went for an ultrasound and it was all fine and they weren't 100% sure but thought my cervix was being pushed on and was releasing blood. It stopped after 4 days.

• then at Christmas we had some time off together and frustratingly I was really ill after my flu jab and spent 3 days mostly bed bound with what felt like the flu, hot and cold sweats, aches, cold, headaches etc. The day I was the worst and could barely get out of bed, my husband played the PlayStation for 8 hours straight and couldn't even ask if I wanted a drink bringing up or anything.

And now, which has just made me cry in to a pit of despair, is that he's been to his business partners house to sort out paperwork for two hours but couldn't even put a mask on whilst there (His business partner who has not followed any rules either and has seen and spent time with quite a few people - so much that he has been banned from seeing his own daughter by his ex because he is being so reckless).

I broke down crying and my husband doesn't think it's a big deal - but I am not seeing family, friends, going anywhere, playing by all rules, whilst sick, tired, pregnant, worried etc and I would love some support but it's beyond him to even think to put a mask on not even for him but for me and baby and I think it's just the escalation of the last few months and feeling like he doesn't really care that's got me here on top it.

He's now on the defensive and being argumentative, I'm crying and feeling rubbish and he's really not understanding what the problem is but I just feel like he really doesn't care about anything other than himself. He's also threatened to leave.

Someone bring me to earth, am I being unreasonable? Is this the hormones making me think the worst? Am I feeling something that I'm over reacting about? Or is my husband acting like the selfish t**t I think he is?

Yanbu. He isn't acting like a loving partner or that bothered about your wellbeing as the person growing his child.

YADNBU. If he can’t even stir himself from his playstation to bring you a drink when you’re sick in bed, what’s he going to be like when the baby is actually here?

You are definitely not being unreasonable. He is a selfish twat.... I just read that out to my husband and his exact words were - if she doesn’t need him she should kick him out ASAP!
I think you need to have a long chat with him OP and explain how he’s making you feel, I know you shouldn’t have to and he should have some common sense how to treat his wife (and mother of his child) but seems like he’s going to need it explained to him. That then gives him the chance to turn things around and if he doesn’t... you know where you stand with him. Sorry you are going through this!

@BabyC21 your message just made me cry, not in a bad way but I feel for once someone is understanding / paying attention and especially your husband saying that shows that even a man opinion shows me this isn't right. I just don't know what's happened. He wanted this baby probably even more than I did when we were trying, now I am in love with this baby and he couldn't feel further away. He thinks the other things that I've explained in this post that have happened in the pregnancy that made me feel crap are in the past and done with, but they still hurt my feelings as my feelings are still being hurt and really are all within only 9 weeks of each other, it's not as if it happened a year ago. Thank you for your message xx

@peasandcarrots1991 I’m sorry my message made you cry but I understand what you mean xx
Is there anything else going on in his life that may be affecting him that it is coming out this way from him? Ie has work been affected by covid? More pressure etc.
Not that it would excuse his behaviour but you could see a reason for his selfishness.
It could even be that he feels useless cause you’re the pregnant one and not him so he’s just not even trying - again doesn’t make it right but some people project feelings in weird ways.

Definitely have a chat, explain what a huge change this is for you and how difficult you are finding it and what you need from him to support you.
One thing that I do to help my husband be more ‘involved’ is that I have the Ovia pregnancy app and every week I send him the new update on what’s happening with baby that week. It also includes a what’s happening with mum part so he reads about all the changes I’m going through, how I’ll be feeling emotional, tired etc so he knows that I need a little extra tlc if I’m being a hormonal b*tch
Hope things improve for you op xx

It sounds like there are 3 of you in your marriage.....the PlayStation needs to go. Honestly struggle to see why a grown man needs to be on that all the bloody time
You need to set boundaries about when it's acceptable to be on it.

The lack of support in early pregnancy just goes to show how immature he is and I fear this isn't going to improve when the baby arrives either

Wow, another vote for selfish t**t here. Things only stay in the past if they are resolved, he's been a man-child while you've had some serious life stuff thrown your way (which should have been your way plural, but he's checked out so it was your way singular) and he has neither acknowledged that or apologised so why would you have moved on from it, he's clearly showing who he is and it is pathetic, just cos you've slept since then doesn't mean it's forgotten.
How can he watch you make serious sacrifices to protect your unborn baby and then be all blasé himself, what a joke he made of it all!

That's sounds awful for you and I remember that worry so well. He needs to grow up, he's going to be a dad and be caring for you and a baby. It doesn't really bode well that he's not even remotely caring for the one person he loves?

Have you got family close by any friends you can chat too and get some support? Are they running virtual NCT groups?

Do you think he's in denial about the baby?

And final question, what was he like if you were sick had period cramps etc before you were pregnant?

What was he like prepregancy? Did he act differently?

Oh you poor thing. You are certainly not being unreasonable. He needs to grow up, act like a man and look after his woman ... who happens to be growing his child!
I would send him an article or two about how to support your woman when pregnant. I’ve sent a few things like that to my husband along the way, things online about what I’ve been experiencing so that he knows I’m being normal and not pathetic when I’m hormonal or whatever symptom of the day I’m going through. Sometimes men just don’t get it. This does seem more serious though. I hope he grows up or he’s in danger of missing out on his family as you may feel you have to move on.
I hope it doesn’t get that bad OP. Talk to him, make him listen.
He should be cooking when you feel bad. He should be cherishing you. And he definitely should not be breaking lock down rules and visiting a friend, especially as you are pregnant! So selfish!

My god he sounds horrific, he was allowed to come to that early ultrasound and he chose not to?
I'm so sorry. I'd follow the advice of others and lay things out for him and give him chance to change things, but if he can't, I think I'd genuinely leave him. If my partner had behaved like that I don't think he and I would have lasted as a couple :/ I'm sorry I feel horrible saying that but you deserve an awful lot more x

YANBU he sounds childish and selfish. I wonder why he bothered getting you pregnant when he's acting like this. I would understand if he wasn't as sympathetic as you would like but to not attend the ultrasound when he's allowed baffles me. He needs to really give his head a wobble because once your baby is here you will realise there is no time for his messing around! At most you could explain to him how you're feeling and if he doesn't change well then that's his decision and you are not liable. Be strong, pregnancy is tough and you sound as if you are doing just fine. Take care of yourself.

You're not being unreasonable but don't jump straight to leaving him like lots of people are suggesting. Pregnancy is hard, men don't get it until your visibly pregnant there life carries on as they feel the same, but we feel so different right from the very start. Have a think what you want to says try not do tell him in the middle of an emotional moment. Don't start with the intention of an argument, but give him your thoughts and let him think about it and go from there.

@Wherethereshope

You're not being unreasonable but don't jump straight to leaving him like lots of people are suggesting. Pregnancy is hard, men don't get it until your visibly pregnant there life carries on as they feel the same, but we feel so different right from the very start. Have a think what you want to says try not do tell him in the middle of an emotional moment. Don't start with the intention of an argument, but give him your thoughts and let him think about it and go from there.

Agree with this, my pregnancy was of zero interest to my dh even though it was mutually planned. He was however still interested in me and if I was distressed or needed help he cared and did what someone who cares about you and can see there is something the matter does. So, although I think pregnancy can be a very abstract concept for the father, her isn't off the hook entirely as he is ignoring your basic needs!

Sorry but I'm going to play devils advocate here. It just seems weird to me that you have a planned pregnancy and not only is he uninvolved (by not going to the ultrasound of a possible issue) but he completely ignores your needs when you're sick with the flu. This just doesn't seem like this was planned or it was, but relationship stressors changed the dynamic of the relationship and now he's being distant to the point he's practically treating you like you don't exist.

I feel like theres information being left out here. If your relationship was solid, then you planned a pregnancy, you get pregnant, why is there a 180 switch that goes off in his head to where he basically seems like he wants nothing to do with you or the pregnancy and would rather play video games? It just doesn't make any sense.

Oh gosh , you poor thing you have had some frightening things happen! Do you think your husband is distancing himself from you & your unborn child because he feels useless? Some men do act that way.I do hope the rest of your pregnancy sails by & the birth is as it should be & he is there to support you .

Has your husband threatened to leave before OP? I think it’s an overreaction but he shouldn’t of said it whilst pregnant.

@Delvianna
Agree with what you said. It doesn't add up.
Unless he is a particularly immature and a selfish person regardless of pregnancy.
So either part of the story is missing or something is happening to him that OP isn't aware of.
That being said threatening to leave when you act like this just really is a massive red flag that he doesn't wanna be there at all. A well intended partner would apologise and maybe make up some shitty excuse for the ego, but definitely not threaten to leave when clearly being at fault.

Feel sorry for you OP. 😞
Such a tough situation. You could try to explain how you feel but it doesn't sound like this will change much. The PlayStation isn't the issue btw. The man's character is.

@SunnySideUp2020
That's the other thing, who threatens to leave over a spouse saying they're hurt due to their behavior? That just seems weird. Normally it's a long time coming where someone will threaten to leave. Kind of like, "I cant take it anymore". I just think theres more to this, as this seems like a very 1 sided. I'm not taking the husband's side, I'm just saying I dont think this could be an all him instance. That some bigger problem is going on in their marriage that OP isnt saying.

@Delvianna Why would I say we had planned this pregnancy if it wasn't? I am really upset at the moment and being accused that I'm lying on here when I'm looking for support is a bit crap if I'm honest.

It was very much planned. Infact my husband wanted to start trying a few years ago, it was me who decided to wait. Do you want to see our past conversations and messages about how excited we were and his excited reaction when I told him I finally had a doctors appointment to get my implant removed or is my word enough?

@Delvianna @SunnySideUp2020 and FYI just following up from my last message to Delvianna - I hadn't commented on what our marriage has been like before pregnancy and I'm sure like everyone it's had its share of problems here and there, yes the PlayStation has been around, yes we've argued but nothing that is a red flag, we've travelled the world together, had the wedding of our dreams, been together ten years and very much been in love, I don't need to be accused of being a liar on here saying I'm not being truthful when I'm looking for advice on what to do now as everything has completely changed all of a sudden. If this was our norm, it wouldn't be any different for me, I'm here because I don't know how to deal with this change.

Does he deny his disengagement? (Sorry if you've mentioned that).
I think given that he was a half decent person before all this that he needs to be brought to the point where he can recognise his actions, on the assumption that if he could see things through your eyes he would improve things.
It shouldn't be necessary, but it is.
So a conversation from you or someone he respects like a parent shining a light on what a good partner would do versus what he's done... Non emotional, non judgemental, maybe coming at it from a 'are you alright cos this isn't your best' angle.
If all he wants to do is deny he's let you down and expect you to forget about it, then that's another thing, but all channels to get him to self reflect should be tried first.

@peasandcarrots1991
Never implied you are lying. Just that there is more to it then him acting so detached and not being caring towards you in such a vulnerable time.
I completely appreciate you are looking for support and you have it. Your reaction is not unreasonable given his actions.
Was just making a point that something else must be going on for this to happen. You have to agree this is not standard behaviour in a marriage, when you should be supporting each other?
If you know the relationship is strong, then does he has some trouble outside? Work wise? Family stress? I don't know.
But it's not "normal" to behave the way he does... i don't think this is just a case of him being detached from the pregnancy or unaware that you need his support. Especially if it's not how he is normally. That's all.
It's one thing to be upset and i would be too. But i think there is a deeper issue with him that's not being communicated.
That's what i would try to figure out if i were you... for your own wellbeing.

(Awful spelling, apologies)

I believe you when you say it was planned OP. I’m sure your husband likes the idea of being a father and the social status it brings. I’m just not sure he thought it would involve any changes in his lifestyle.

You need to hard some hard talks. Boundaries about the PS. How much free time you will both have after baby is born. How much parental leave he is going to take and what he will do when he’s on leave.

There’s no point in waiting and hoping that he will grown up. He won’t unless you take action.

I suspect that he’s the kind of immature man than will have to be left alone with baby or he will do nothing.

Sorry you and your baby deserve better.