Is it me? Or is it my husband?

[peasandcarrots1991]

Currently 4 months pregnant with my first baby and baby was planned.

For a first pregnancy I'm finding some areas of pregnancy quite hard because of Covid.

I'm not getting the full midwifery experience, just quick few minutes at an appointment for bloods and what not, then sent on my way. I've not had one piece of advice or information and anything I need to know I've had to research myself. Also I really am sticking to the Gov covid rules because I have had family members in hospital recently because of covid and I want to protect baby and have minimum risk. With that, it's a lonely place working from home on your own, whilst being sick all day, getting so much pressure from work (a sales job during a recession is not ideal!) and then not even getting a release of seeing friends and family or going out to do nice things. It's just being at home with your thoughts and feelings, trying to eat right, sleep right, exercise, be boss, be wife, look after house etc.

Anyway, husband and I aren't getting on too swimmingly and it's because after a few of his actions I'm feeling resentful.

• when I was 7 weeks pregnant I had shoulder pain and abdominal pain, I actually wasn't that worried but called pregnancy advice line to check as was the first real "pain" I noticed in this pregnancy and they told me to go to a&e immediately which completely panicked me. I went to a&e (alone because of covid) and they booked me in for an ultrasound two days later and said it could be an ectopic and wanted to check me over. My husband was allowed to come to the ultrasound but chose not too. I went and all was fine!

• then at 11.5 weeks I experienced my first bleed, this time I was really really worried as it went on for over two days and I had clots. I cried a lot, I couldn't sleep, and I called in sick with work one of the days my head was all over the place. Both of these days my husband got home from work, ate dinner (that I cooked) and played the PlayStation online with his friends all evening and all night and couldn't even come and lie with me or comfort me. I was upstairs feeling so scared and just expecting the worst, Googling and reading everything. But thankfully I went for an ultrasound and it was all fine and they weren't 100% sure but thought my cervix was being pushed on and was releasing blood. It stopped after 4 days.

• then at Christmas we had some time off together and frustratingly I was really ill after my flu jab and spent 3 days mostly bed bound with what felt like the flu, hot and cold sweats, aches, cold, headaches etc. The day I was the worst and could barely get out of bed, my husband played the PlayStation for 8 hours straight and couldn't even ask if I wanted a drink bringing up or anything.

And now, which has just made me cry in to a pit of despair, is that he's been to his business partners house to sort out paperwork for two hours but couldn't even put a mask on whilst there (His business partner who has not followed any rules either and has seen and spent time with quite a few people - so much that he has been banned from seeing his own daughter by his ex because he is being so reckless).

I broke down crying and my husband doesn't think it's a big deal - but I am not seeing family, friends, going anywhere, playing by all rules, whilst sick, tired, pregnant, worried etc and I would love some support but it's beyond him to even think to put a mask on not even for him but for me and baby and I think it's just the escalation of the last few months and feeling like he doesn't really care that's got me here on top it.

He's now on the defensive and being argumentative, I'm crying and feeling rubbish and he's really not understanding what the problem is but I just feel like he really doesn't care about anything other than himself. He's also threatened to leave.

Someone bring me to earth, am I being unreasonable? Is this the hormones making me think the worst? Am I feeling something that I'm over reacting about? Or is my husband acting like the selfish t**t I think he is?

@SunnySideUp2020 the accusation of lying is coming from Delvianna saying there is more than one side to the story, and posting twice she feels that strongly about it. not you, apologies.

I'll be honest my husband has a demanding job and all his efforts and energy has always gone in to his work, he doesn't work late but he works hard and usually 6 days a week so when he gets home he really is "done for the day". And he unwinds which is usually in form of the PlayStation. To be honest he's never made an awful lot of effort with me, I plan date nights, I sort everything around the house. Don't get me wrong he's not useless and has done his bit - but I'm not demanding or have ever asked for anything and get on with it. But this time I really need some support from him and I've said out loud that I do and he's acted this way. Maybe I've left him to do what he wants for too many years, maybe spoilt? He was sure bought up very mummied. Who knows? But I'm working hard too and I work 42 hours a week, whilst having awful sickness and I'm tired and I really need him. I don't think he likes to be told.

Your husband appears to be a dick.

I can't imagine non-pregnant me lying in bed feeling ill for hours, and DH not coming up a few times to check on me/see if I needed something

Sorry you're feeling like this - PG is tough enough anyway. YANBU but it sounds like this is a change in behaviour? If so definitely worth discussing to understand what's causing it - it might not be what you expect? FWIW my OH seemed disengaged but I've gradually realised that he's actually a bit worried about it and the impact it will have on his business (self-employed). He's rationalised it as my role being to grow the baby and his role to get as much money in before they're born as possible to support us. This manifested in him working long hours and ignoring me which felt to me like he wasn't interested in me now I am sick and chubby from being PG! It took a long time to tease that out though as he'd done it subconsciously and I'd made a lot of assumptions. Now we're fine - he talks to me about baby and I talk to him about work. Worth thinking about the right time for the conversation - especially if DH doesn't like those kinds of chats. If you're upset and he's defensive it won't end well! Good luck and I hope things improve for you.

@peasandcarrots1991

Ok so this might be the reason. He is used to not have to give too much of his time/effort at home and in the marriage. As it was mentioned before he probably wants to be a dad because that's a big achievement, it's a nice thing etc... but didn't realise it comes with sacrifices and a lot of selflessness.

Regarding him not looking after you when you are down or unwell, that is something else. I would tell him though, that you need him in case he didn't get it. Ask for help. Ask for a tea. Ask him to make a quick dinner when you are exhausted.
Also you should let him know that you will need him even more after baby arrives... so it doesn't come as a shock.

I think you need to have a proper sit down and grown up talk with him. Not starting to go back in history about that time and this time when he did that or you said that. But more constructive. We want to be together and have this family so let's make it work so that we are both involved. Clearly things are going to change and so does the dynamic of the marriage. You both work hard and both need rest. Especially you being pregnant.

I really feel for you, OP, and can relate to some of what you're saying because my partner and I have argued for the first time ever this last year, because of our differing feelings about Covid risk. We simply do not see eye to eye about it, and it's led to all kinds of emotional rows between us. However, we know that what we have is good, and so he (resentfully) does as I ask of him regarding mask wearing and not seeing friends. I know that when the pandemic is over, I'm really going to owe him.

I think you need to talk to your husband about how hurt you are and try to help him see your side of things, but also encourage him to open up about what's going on with him. I would also feel very upset - - I hope you can get through it and bring him more on board. My heart goes out to you. I think it's a stressful time for everyone - I hope you can sort it out and get to a better place together.

xx

That sounds tough op and for posters on here to question you about silly things is ridiculous.

I’m currently pregnant but we lost our baby in our last pregnancy, throughout that pregnancy husband took me to all appointments bcos I was too sick to drive. He made me food and even emptied my sick bucket no matter what time of day. He would come home from a super long day and sort me out first.

I’m pregnant again and I know my husband can’t attend appointments with me but he will be driving me to them, mostly his choice as he wants to be present in whatever way.

My point is if other men/partners etc can do it and in my case it was a little extreme due to me being so sick then I can’t see what your husbands excuse is. Next time he threatens to leave grab a bag and ask him to pack cos surely you don’t want someone there while you are struggling and needing to focus on something bigger than both of you making it all about himself.

Sorry he’s putting you through this. He is selfish

OP sorry another vote for your DH is a complete dick.

I agree with a PP comment that sometimes men find pregnancy quite an abstract concept particularly in the first few months that they cannot relate to. I have had 2 MCs in the last 7 months and my DH even though hurt doesn't relate to it like I do BUT my feelings are valid to him and if he's not even taking your feelings, sickness and mindset into account he's a knob

I read through most of the first post thinking, twat; man child; he'll grow up when the baby comes etc. Then I got to the bit where he threatened to leave you and stopped in my tracks. Who the hell says this to their pregnant wife who has
been struggling, perhaps physically and mentally (mentally due to lockdown and less midwife support). Is he usually a fair weather partner, and how on earth is he going to be when the baby arrives. He needs a kick up the backside and a wakeup call.

Your husband sounds appalling. Please don't think this is down to you babying him or not 'communicating' with him properly; any sane, loving adult would know that the way he is behaving and treating you is insanely disrespectful. The fact that he has no interest in you, even when you're very unwell and carrying his child, is frankly disturbing to me and makes me think something is not right in his head.

I am jumping to LTB, people can hate me for it if they like but I think if you find yourself being treated like this by someone who is supposed to love you, it's time to re-evaluate your life. I'm sorry for what you're going through OP, best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy and once your beautiful baby arrives.

It sounds like he is expecting you to continue to look after yourself. Has the pregnancy properly sunk in with him? Does he realise that by looking after you he is looking after the baby.

You need to have a calm discussion with him about what you need from him, he needs to step up and put someone else first.

Has any of his friends got young kids? Has he had an honest talk with them about how life changes? It sounds like he isn't prepared at all.

Sort it out now before the baby comes. It will only be worse with sleepless nights etc.

I don't know what to say except YANBU.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, work long hours, luckily haven't had bad morning sickness, am tired all the time. This week when I texted DH about being painfully exhausted every day after lunch, he offered to cook dinner for me for the next few weeks. If we thought something was wrong with the pregnancy he'd be worried sick. He also has a PlayStation but we always discuss if he's going to go on it if I'm around, he turns it off and we do other things regularly. He occasionally binges if he has a new game but it's not his default that every night he just plays on it and ignores me. He also works crazy hard (AND long hours) in a senior executive role but doesn't use that as an excuse to not do anything around the house and ignore me all evening. We're a team.

I guess giving him the benefit of the doubt, might he be panicking about being a father? Or has he always played Playstation rather than spending quality time with you? It does sound that he's also not used to taking on caring roles and you've let very gendered norms creep into the relationship - he "works hard" and needs to unwind while you look after the house and the mental load (despite working similar hours).

You need to rebalance this as it will only get worse with a baby. Draw up a rota of chores. Clearly verbalise your need for support and how it made you feel when he didn't support you - don't just hope he notices. I'd push really hard on this - if you don't give him a shock now and reset things you'll likely be stuck with this (or worse) plus a baby for years.

@peasandcarrots1991
No where did I say you were lying, like sunny, I said there seems to be a bigger problem here that isnt being mentioned because his response to all of this isnt "normal". Where I his behavior is more like someone who would react to a pregnancy that WASNT planned. I'm not saying it wasnt, how would I know? But his behavior is more towards it being like it wasnt planned. As I stated, his behavior makes zero sense in the situation of you planning kids and being pregnant from that planning and something else not going on.

Seems to me, that you are finding a lot of excuses (he has demanding job, he is tired...). He deliberately put himself and you and your child at risk by disregarding rules at times when 1,500 people a day die of covid. That is not love.

It is hard being pregnant. It is 100x harder having a newborn living with a selfish man-child that spends 8 hours on a play station.

You are emotional now, when the baby has been screaming non-stop for hours and you have not slept in months, eaten a day and showered in a week and he lays on couch playing play station because "he worked so hard all day and he provides money for the house" - that's when you'll realise.

Love is great, but love is acts, not a wedding of your dreams (which I bet you planned and organised). Love is waking up at 2am making tea for the other one who is sick and shivering. Love is coming home from a 12 hour shift with a smile and offering to bath the baby so you can sit and have tea. Love is million small things done without being asked.

@ZooKeeper19

Seems to me, that you are finding a lot of excuses (he has demanding job, he is tired...). He deliberately put himself and you and your child at risk by disregarding rules at times when 1,500 people a day die of covid. That is not love.

It is hard being pregnant. It is 100x harder having a newborn living with a selfish man-child that spends 8 hours on a play station.

You are emotional now, when the baby has been screaming non-stop for hours and you have not slept in months, eaten a day and showered in a week and he lays on couch playing play station because "he worked so hard all day and he provides money for the house" - that's when you'll realise.

Love is great, but love is acts, not a wedding of your dreams (which I bet you planned and organised). Love is waking up at 2am making tea for the other one who is sick and shivering. Love is coming home from a 12 hour shift with a smile and offering to bath the baby so you can sit and have tea. Love is million small things done without being asked.

This is a great post

I think you have to tell him when you said you wanted this baby I didn’t realise you meant you wanted me to have this baby on my own with neither practical nor emotional support from the man who says he loves me and is the baby’s father. You’ve tricked me into this with your lies and now I’m on my own.