Ivf to do or not to do

[OldOrMaybeNotThatOld]

So I’ve been through one cycle of ivf with 3 transfers. One miscarriage one chemical and one outright fail. I’m 42 and about to embark on another round.
Trouble is I’m so full of dread. I don’t look forward to it with excitement. Everytime I arrive at the clinic I’m on the edge of just walking away and quitting. Having loads of unprotected sex with your DH and just finding out you’re pregnant is a much better way to approach this and I’m angry it can’t be like that for me.
Does the dread mean I don’t actually want this? Is it time to say enough?
I get absolutely down in the dumps at the thought of not having my own family with my DH (he has 2 kids from previous marriage and I’ve had none of our own) but then I hate this process so much. Is it a matter of sucking up this shit for the end goal? What happens if I manage to get pregnant with the next transfer and the feeling of dread doesn’t go away? What if I’m still not happy after that?
How do I pinpoint what this feeling is actually about?
I’ve was devastated after the last round failed and this prompted my DH to say we should give it another go. But I’m so full of anxiety now that we are I’m worried that I’m doing the wrong thing.
It’s almost like I could cope with the everyday life of not being a mother because that is what I am doing and have been doing for the last 3 years. What happens if I succeed and I’m still not happy? What if my anxiety is not about the process of ivf but rather the prospect of being a parent. How do I know?
Are other people happy and excited to be doing ivf. I don’t get it if they are because it’s pretty shitty and invasive and it makes your husband feel crap too. Is this normal?

Having to have IVF is shitty, it is amazing we have the option and it can have such wonderful outcomes but it is so hard emotionally, physically, financially.. hard to explain how hard it is really until you’re doing it! I was never happy going in for it (theres understandable grief and anger there too) and I felt the same as you approaching it. I think for me it was a type of self preservation so as not to get my hopes up.. one of my cycles did work though so it was infinitely worth it. Once pregnant I didn’t care about the IVF part I was just delighted. I think given you were devastated and agreed to go for more rounds you do seem to want this, you have to think what will you regret more, not trying or trying. And weigh up the prospect for you of it working/ not working. Success rates can be very low unfortunately and only you know what you can cope with. I understand how tough it is so it’s a very personal choice. Good luck!

Not sure if this helps but I decided years ago that I wouldn't do IVF or fertility tests. No reason to think I'd need it. I was wondering about this and that, on the subject of children and it was one of the things I considered. I decided that whatever nature had in store for me I'd go along with it. I don't really believe in fighting nature I suppose. That and the way IVF seems to be all consuming and have a low success rate.

We had 5 rounds of IVF and made the decision to stop after that.
I got to the point that you did and I just thought, I CANNOT let a single more person poke and prod me. It was almost traumatic (although no one did anything wrong!). I was just sick of it.
But making that decision was so hard, and upsetting, because (other than adoption) you are essentially making the decision to remain childless for the rest of your life.
I found that really difficult and wished that someone medical could just tell us to stop and get take the decision out of our hands. But of course they won't because it's all money!!
I spent a few months after the decision desperately looking into other options (adoption, surrogacy) and pretty much coming to the conclusion that they probably weren't for us.
We then found out I was pregnant and when I say it was a miracle I really mean it. We had little to no chance of conceiving naturally.
Not saying this will happen to you (I used to hate it when people said to me "oh I have a friend who stopped trying and got pregnant") - but that's what happened to me.
Just wanted to reply as I know how hard it is and what utter dread and despair you feel

@AmberItsACertainty I think it's very easy to say that when you haven't been faced with infertility. Re not fighting nature - do you go along with any illnesses and injuries too or do you see medical professionals for other ailments?
If, god forbid, you had a serious illness would you just let "nature take its course"?!

I was very lucky as I had our son after IVF. We had always thought we’d have 2 kids, we always knew it would be through fertility treatment (SS couple). But after we had our son, when it came time to consider another, we decided not to try again. There were a number of reasons for this, one of which was how emotionally hard the whole process is. I just didn’t want to put myself through that all again.

Nobody can tell you what is going on in your head. Does your clinic offer counselling services? It could be worth a session or two to try and get these thoughts out of your head to see if you can make sense of then

I think a lot of my emotion had been "used up" through the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive naturally - without success bar one early miscarriage. By the time we got to our IVF I think I was so immersed in the process that my emotions were secondary.
I was around your age too and I feel that's an added pressure. Is there someone that you can talk to? I obviously don't know you personally but recognise the anger that you seem to have as the natural emotion that it's unfair.

I had 2 full and one frozen round of ivf. I never found it exciting or anything other than awful and dh hated every second.

Before we started we set ourselves a max number of rounds (3) as dh especially needed an end point.

It is unpleasant physically and mentally and emotionally. I genuinely don't think many people approach the actual process with anything but dread.

Have you had any counselling? Might that help you decide on a way forward?

My third cycle worked btw so I was a success story but i can still recall every second of how tough it was.

Best of luck

You need to talk to a professional and work through your issues. If you go ahead please have acupuncture as proven to increase succes rate especially if had on day of transfer.

I also had a fall out (patched up afterwards) with my best friend as she said that I was going into IVF with negativity and that I just needed to be positive. I explained I. A very teary mess that if all I needed was positivity I'd have have a baby already AND that what she saw as negativity was actually my self protection attempts. She meant well but sometimes these conversations with people are extra pain that adds to the problem.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I can't tell you why you're feeling the way you are but do try to remember that IVF is very emotionally draining. It's hard both physically and mentally. I don't think many people who've been there go into it with excitement, especially after a failed round and potentially other periods of fertility issues prior to reaching the point of IVF.

I can't tell you what you should do. Perhaps you could speak to a counsellor and try to unpick these feelings a bit? Is there anything offered through the clinic or your hospital?

All I can say is what I would do which is to consider whether not going ahead would be something I was likely to look back and regret and spend time thinking 'what if'. If so, I would probably try again. But I am not you. I don't have your feelings and thoughts and emotions.

All the best with whatever it is you decide x

[quote jemimafuddleduck]@AmberItsACertainty I think it's very easy to say that when you haven't been faced with infertility. Re not fighting nature - do you go along with any illnesses and injuries too or do you see medical professionals for other ailments?
If, god forbid, you had a serious illness would you just let "nature take its course"?! [/quote]
You're making a big assumption there that I've never been faced with infertility. You know almost nothing about my life other than the little I've posted on this forum.

To answer your other questions, I have health problems and yes I've accepted them. Some can be managed medically and have been, some can't be managed that way and I've had to alter my life to accommodate them. In a couple of instances I've decided that the treatment would be worse than the disease, for me personally, I accept not everyone would feel the same way because we're all different, and so with those problems I've accepted what mother nature gave me rather than fight it. My life is nothing like I thought it would be, but I'm at peace with that fact now, although it was hard adjusting to the change of plans.

what she saw as negativity was actually my self protection attempts

Exactly this. I went through the same thing. Constantly being told I needed to stop being so negative, think more positively etc etc... People didn't realise that I was trying not to set myself up emotionally for when things went, I believed at the time, inevitably wrong.

Do you think this could similar OP? Like self preservation because of what you've been through already?

I remember my counsellor saying to me that I was in fight or flight mode and understandably. I'd been through something traumatic and the thought of knowingly putting myself through it repeatedly was psychologically against every instinct I had.

I also carried lots of guilt - guilt that I couldn't get pregnant followed by guilt that I'd lost our baby. All ridiculous because none of it was through my actions and I was doing as much as I could to help the process.
The IVF process is draining and one that really you go through alone. Be kind to yourself for these feelings and talk to whoever you can.

IVF sucks, although it’s amazing it’s available. I do get semi excited when I have a new cycle coming up, only because I’ve waited so long and hope this might be the one that makes DH and I parents, but I also dread all the poking and prodding, I hate injections, I hate blood tests, I hate the pain and invasiveness of scans, I was terrified and crying all morning (including whilst in theatre) for egg collection and hated embryo transfer too! And all the side effects as well.

It’s been worse doing it all during covid as I also had to be alone every time. And none of those are even as bad as the emotional side of finding out the number of eggs, number fertilised, number of blastocysts and the TWW, and for me the subsequent early miscarriage (but a BFN would likely be just as bad). For this frozen round I’m worried about my lining thickening and the embryo defrosting. One of the factors that mean if I’m lucky enough to have a live birth I won’t try IVF again is that it’s so all consuming for me and if I do have a child I want to focus on my life with them.

Only you and your DH can decide if you’ve had enough. At this point in time I’d probably do 4-6 full cycles depending on what we can afford and if the consultants think it’s worth continuing, really just want to be a mum so much, but I also have fleeting thoughts of packing it in and not letting my whole 30s be ruined by this hell, and thoughts that I’m not sure how to cope if I do keep going. I think these are normal thoughts. For me the dread definitely doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be a mum, it means I don’t want to be hurt any more.

Does your clinic offer counselling? Sounds like that might be helpful to unpick your thoughts.

IVF is mentally and physically exhausting.
Let alone IVF in a pandemic.

You don't need to decide to stop. You can decide to take a break.

IVF didn't work for us so we stopped.
Then had a break, explored adoption, had a break, then applied to adopt.

Best wishes whatever you decide

Thanks for all your very kind words. It is tough. My age obviously has a lot to do with things. I’m upset we left things so late in life to think about ourselves. Instead we spent years fighting to make sure his kids were ok with the topsy turvy life his ex was providing them whilst she found her feet multiple times over. Built a business, sunk a business and rebuilt a business. And now left wondering if 42 (and 46) is too old for this dream and if it’s such a good dream why does it feel so terrible?
We have a good life otherwise with lots of friends although few family close by. Should I not just be happy with that instead of pursuing this thing that is actually making me feel so shitty?
It could very well be self preservation but it could also be fear of all the things that could go wrong ... genetic defects (we have chosen to genetic test pre transfer), my health (which is very good at the moment, I am fit and healthy), what happens if being a mom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be....

When you fall pregnant naturally you don’t put much thought into all those things beforehand do you?

And then of course the world is a pretty crap place right now. Corona has pretty much sucked most joy out of things. Maybe I’m just blue overall? But what if it’s more than that. Omg. I really am not making much coherent sense am I?

I agree with having some counselling. I found it really helpful. It is a shitty process and dealing with all of it plus expectations from everyone else (the amount of people that think that ivf=baby is mind blowing) can be isolating, depressing and rage inducing at the best of times. I know you may feel/be being told that you need to get on with it due to age but one or two months out now could really help get your thoughts organised. I am still dealing with the resentment, guilt and pent up anger about the whole process 3 yrs after my last transfer.

When you fall pregnant naturally you don’t put much thought into all those things beforehand do you?

Hmm I wouldn't say this. My situation is a little different to yours in that I did get pregnant naturally (my problem was I miscarried, not that I couldn't get pregnant), I actually ended up pregnant naturally with the only successful one I've ever had just before we were about to start the proper IVF process.

I still worried. It was all I'd wanted for so long and I still worried that maybe I wouldn't be a good Mum, maybe I wouldn't like being a mum, what if I'd made the wrong decision because I'd been so caught up in the struggle to just get here iyswim?

I do think a lot of people have general worries about becoming parents before they are and whether it was actually a good idea etc..., that's even without everything you've been through too. So I obviously can't say that what you're feeling isn't genuine concern as to whether you're right to try again, I do think lots of people feel some degree of it whether or not they conceived naturally.

I hope that came across how I intended it and not that I'm trying to dismiss how you're feeling.

Sorry, epic x-post there. I would say you are making complete sense to anyone who has been through this process. Please do access the clinic counselling service. Mine allowed me to express my deep seated fear (that it was my fault it was failing and I was letting everyone down) to someone who had no skin in the game but lots of experience with this specific process. It started the process which means I can now admit to the anger resentment etc..

YY to counselling. It really helped me. I didn't think it would. But as per poster above, just talking to someone who had no skin in the game was so helpful to me. Just being able to get everything out on the table that I was feeling that I perhaps wouldn't have been able to say to someone on the inside, like DH.

I hope that came across how I intended it and not that I'm trying to dismiss how you're feeling.

Not dismissive at all. My thoughts are a complete jumble and I’m sitting in my car post baseline scan with a pit of anxiety that is burning in my chest. I need any help I can get to unpack this all.

I find that you get sucked into the process. Tomorrow I start stims and I already think well I’ve bought the meds so I’m just going to start tomorrow and then maybe my next scan I can pull out of the process. But then I know if o get to my next scan and the doc says my follicles are big enough and we need to abort mission I’ll be devastated. Gosh

Aren’t big enough.

Agree with others that the feeling of dread is just self preservation kicking in. I was also told many times to “just think positively” - not that helpful when you’re injecting yourself for the millionth time (or so it seems) and friends are now on their 3rd child so just ignore that.
For me, I wanted to be able to have no regrets with whatever happened in terms of whether it worked or not so if you’re at the stage where if you don’t go again, you won’t regret it in 20 years time then that’s cool. If you’re unsure about that, maybe have a break from it and give it another go later in the year.
I’m sure you’ve done this already but have a debrief with your consultant on what’s what with the rounds you’ve had - can anything be changed protocol wise? Also with your age (same as me!) - has anything been discussed about your ovarian reserve ie are they happy with your reserve or might you need to look at donor eggs?
My consultant raised this after our 2nd failed round - but it took another 2 rounds, one that went to egg collection with nothing collected and a final round that was cancelled due to poor response before we considered it seriously. As I said - we wanted to do everything we could so no regrets before moving to something else. In the end I had failed transfer on round 1; cancelled FET on round 2 after full egg collection (delay before FET); round 3 nothing collected; round 4 cancelled and then we went down the donor route for round 5 which took a while to get to and I’m just over 12 weeks now. FWIW this last round was the hardest mentally for me - and physically. I spent the entire time thinking that this was probably the last chance we’ll have (though we do have an embryo on ice but not sure id I’d the capacity to go again tbh), so it felt like the stakes were higher than normal and stress levels have and are high.
Overall I’d say dig deep and if you’ll have no regrets with stopping then it’s ok to. IVF is so hard mentally and physically. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I went through many years of IVF to get one my +ve outcome. I could have written your original post myself. I hated absolutely every single aspect of IVF, the physical and the huge emotional toll it took on me, DH and my family. I dreaded everything about it (and resented the money spent and the fact that nearly everyone else didn't have to go through it).

When it finally worked (final round) much to my utter disbelief, I didn't then feel elated. Horrified is a better description. I remember sobbing to my GP about what I'd done to myself. I've never forgotten what he said to me. "Of course you're horrified, this is your natural reaction after years and years of disappointment; your self preservation". He suggested I had pre-natal depression, rather than the more widely known PND. He was right. DC was born and has been the light of our lives since that moment. I would go through it all again in a heartbeat to have them.

I can't tell you what to do, but I think everything you're feeling is absolutely normal and to be expected. IVF is hideous to go through and its effects shouldn't be dismissed.

I find that you get sucked into the process

Oh you absolutely do. I totally get what you mean about thinking 'im going to stop now' and then you find yourself either carrying on anyway or like you say, still devastated... And then so on and so on. It does sometimes feel like a vicious circle that you can't seem to get off even if part of you wants to!

For me it was like an obsession almost, it took over every thought and feeling I had. It's really a very tough thing emotionally OP. I really strongly suggest speaking to someone, even if it's just to do what I did which was essentially verbally vomit all my feelings over her in the first session!!

And it was good, I opened the floodgates to her, got out everything that was swarming round in my head, often in a jumbled mess. And then we started to pick bits of what I'd said up and unravel them individually.