Ivf to do or not to do

[OldOrMaybeNotThatOld]

So I’ve been through one cycle of ivf with 3 transfers. One miscarriage one chemical and one outright fail. I’m 42 and about to embark on another round.
Trouble is I’m so full of dread. I don’t look forward to it with excitement. Everytime I arrive at the clinic I’m on the edge of just walking away and quitting. Having loads of unprotected sex with your DH and just finding out you’re pregnant is a much better way to approach this and I’m angry it can’t be like that for me.
Does the dread mean I don’t actually want this? Is it time to say enough?
I get absolutely down in the dumps at the thought of not having my own family with my DH (he has 2 kids from previous marriage and I’ve had none of our own) but then I hate this process so much. Is it a matter of sucking up this shit for the end goal? What happens if I manage to get pregnant with the next transfer and the feeling of dread doesn’t go away? What if I’m still not happy after that?
How do I pinpoint what this feeling is actually about?
I’ve was devastated after the last round failed and this prompted my DH to say we should give it another go. But I’m so full of anxiety now that we are I’m worried that I’m doing the wrong thing.
It’s almost like I could cope with the everyday life of not being a mother because that is what I am doing and have been doing for the last 3 years. What happens if I succeed and I’m still not happy? What if my anxiety is not about the process of ivf but rather the prospect of being a parent. How do I know?
Are other people happy and excited to be doing ivf. I don’t get it if they are because it’s pretty shitty and invasive and it makes your husband feel crap too. Is this normal?

@OldOrMaybeNotThatOld I just wanted to send you some support - I had four cycles and found it really hard; I never felt a sense of excitement or positivity, I always felt anxious, under so much pressure to make my stupid body work, guilt that I had to put DH through the whole thing instead of just having sex, worried about how much money it was all costing etc. However, I would have done it all ten times and more if I'd been guaranteed a baby at the end of it. It's the unknown that was the killer for me, that it all might not (or probably wouldn't) be worth it.

Have you talked to your DH about how you're feeling right now?

@RedPandaFluff

I havent acually spoken much to DH this time around. Whilst he is fully supportive of the process, he has two kids already, and so this is about me.

Im so worried that if I express my anxiousness about the whole thing, he will convince me to give it up. Just another worry to add to the list! And this really isnt to say anything mean about my DH as he truly is wonderful but I know that he can fully envision a life without a child between the two of us and its simply because those boxes have been ticked in his life.

I was full of dread during IVF. So much so, I didn't allow my dh to speak to me in the waiting room of the clinic because if I had to speak (even just general chat) I couldn't guarantee that I could get through my appointments. I was incredibly nervous about it.

We were successful and have one dc. I will say I remained incredibly nervous during my pregnancy and up until dc was about 6 months old because, after many years of trying, I couldn't quite believe it was all going to work out.

DC was our only viable embryo so we don't have the possibility of FET.
We had always planned for 2 children but we have decided to not have another round of IVF because we found out there are issues with my eggs and because we didn't want to go down a rabbit hole of starting again and possibly spending several years of our current child's life consumed with trying for another without success. It's easier to make that decision since we have a child though.

I do sympathise. IVF was shit for me. I had three cycles and an extremely poor reaction to stimulation. On two of the three cycles I took three weeks to get to egg collection and we had just one embryo to transfer. The other cycle - the middle one - we ended up with three frozen embryos. FETs were cancelled three times - once because the embryo did not survive the thawing, once because the preliminary scan revealed a uterine polyp that I had to get dealt with before I could have any more treatment, and once because the drugs to stop your own cycle didn’t work and I grew a follicle and lost the endometrium.

I do think there is huge pressure to not give up. But I also think it takes strength to decide to prioritise other things, your mental/physical health and your relationship.

Only you can really decide.

I think it comes down to your best guess as to what you really want, @OldOrMaybeNotThatOld - have you tried writing everything down? The old two-columns approach - pros and cons of going ahead? Maybe seeing it all in black and white will give you confidence in your decision.

My opinion, for what it's worth (which isn't much given that I don't know you!) is that you should go ahead. I had my first baby at the age of 40 and we have a frozen embryo that I'd like to transfer next year (I'll be 42). It has been so, so hard and at times I've missed my old life - but all I have to do is hold my daughter in my arms and I feel huge gratitude and joy.

Maybe there's an element of letting fate decide - go through this cycle, as hard as it is, and if it works then that's fantastic, but if it doesn't work, try to close this avenue off in your mind, and find peace with it knowing that you tried?

Maybe there's an element of letting fate decide - go through this cycle, as hard as it is, and if it works then that's fantastic, but if it doesn't work, try to close this avenue off in your mind, and find peace with it knowing that you tried?

@RedPandaFluff you don’t know me but it seems like you almost could! This exactly is the conclusion I come to everytime I get myself into a knot about this and I forge forward. Thank you.

IVF can be emotionally and physically draining but I wanted a child so badly I would have tried nearly anything. I was very lucky that my first attempted worked and I have an amazing DD.

Can you pinpoint what fills you with dread about it? Is it fear it won't work or fear of the process itself?

I can’t pinpoint exactly what fills me with such anxiety.
It’s everything.

The fact that I’m there in the first place, that I have to be poked and prodded, that my husband finds the process so unhinged, that I’m 42 and will have to do more than one cycle to accumulate enough eggs for one to be genetically sound, that I’m 42 and doing this at all, that things may go wrong and I’ve spent so much energy into a process for it to be possibly be a complete fuck up (ie birth defects or miscarriage) seems ludicrous, being sedated to have eggs removed, being judged at 42 as an older mother, what happens if I hate motherhood and this was a terrible idea, anger that my husbands crazy ex has had 4 children unplanned and I can’t even have 1 planned, fear of losing my ‘quiet’ life, fear of living my ‘quiet’ life forever... did I say that I’m 42 and considering this?

Honestly it’s just a rats nest of conflicting thoughts all day long.

Everything!

Oh and the weight gain. That’s lovely too.

I think it’s normal to have lots of negative thoughts during IVF, at any age the odds are against you and you have to go through it all not knowing if it will lead to a good outcome, knowing that very likely it will not work and you will go through it all for nothing. It’s a roll of dice, but one that includes a great deal of emotional and physical strain.

I think many people find themselves caught up, kind of going through the motions and pushing through because they aren’t ready to give up, and that’s normal and ok. I think you will know when the time is to stop if you aren’t successful. I don’t think you need to listen to every doubt and work it out in your mind, you will know I think. I hope you get a lovely surprise and it works out.

Oh and yes, the weight gain!

@AmberItsACertainty so HAVE you faced infertility?

I’ve been thinking about my lacklustre approach and feelings towards this round of ivf and to explain better I remember when my very first transfer was a success and I was pregnant for 8 weeks. I had this really detailed plan about how I was going to tell my family (we all live in different countries) and then I miscarried and couldn’t follow through. This time, if I fall pregnant the thought of telling them is not filled with any joy or excitement... self preservation? Can you self preserve without consciously self preserving? Ie is it a reaction that you do subconsciously?

Yes, definitely can be a subconscious thing, probably normally is.

I found by cycle 3, 4, 5 the excitement and anticipation of another IVF round had well and truly worn off. I don't think it was a gradual thing? I was stood by the printer one day at work and a colleague asked how IVF was going (I'm pretty open about - can't be bothered to lie now and pretend I was off with flu) and I suddenly realised i felt ambivalent to it all?
I'd had multiple miscarriages and lost both tubes to ectopic pregnancies (one being an IVF transfer) so no natural conceived miracle baby for me on the cards.

Perhaps it was subconscious self preservation?

When we finally had success on cycle 5 all my previous plans of a great pregnancy reveal to family evaporated - it was a quiet phone call to parents telling them not to get hopes up and a text to family at 20 weeks. Nothing like I'd dreamed or planned

@OldOrMaybeNotThatOld I also could have written your post myself.

Lacklustre is exactly how I feel about it. Oh and 'rats bag of conflicting thoughts all day long' - yes this is me!!!

The only people who understand how rage-inducing, shit, uncomfortable, and FUCKING ANNOYING this process is, is those of us who have been/are going through it.

Not helped by it being quite expensive where I live.

I'm a bit the same in that my husband (and family, friends) etc are super supportive/positive/excited about the whole thing, and I'm just.. meh. None of them have been through it. I know they're trying to be nice, but they just don't get it.

Your life is on hold and it just feels shit.

I have had one round and am dreading the rigamarole of the next one.

I really want kids, but when faced with the invasive, expensive, unpleasant and time- and life-consuming reality of IVF... you start to question how badly you want it.

I'd like to renovate our crappy 1970s kitchen, or get a puppy, or go on holiday, but I can't, because every spare cent is going to go in the IVF fund, to pay for a procedure which is likely to fail. It's just so shit.

I'm constantly torn between wanting kids.... and also wanting to reserve my energy, body and bank account to do potentially much more exciting stuff (travel, further study, career, volunteering stuff in my community) in my older years. I'm not kid-crazy but am told I'll love my own, be a great mother blah blah blah.

Husband and I have agreed to do three rounds than reassess. I think having that goal/end point , where the whole thing is up for reassessment, helps me not freak out by thinking too long-term.

Sorry I'm not much help - just hope you know you're not alone in feeling this way! I also wanted to acknowledge that having a partner with their own children must be a further complicated issue in how you're feeling.

Good luck and hope you can feel clearer about it soon:)

@Chookie89 thank you so much!

It’s a relief to know I’m not alone. I’ve been feeling terrible for feeling terrible about this whole thing.

@Ohcomeonitsrubbish I have that feeling of dread after a positive test (from first cycle of solo IVF), which is totally freaking me out.

I didn't find the IVF process particularly hard - I feel better when I'm working toward a goal and weirdly I think the tedious injections etc kept my mind busy and distracted me from any anxiety. But as soon as I had the embryo transfer it all hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been racked with doubt about whether I've made a horrible mistake - not about the practical things or risks that I perceive to be "normal" worries, but fundamentally questioning whether this was all a massive mistake. What if I hate motherhood, what if I'm terrible at it, what if I miss my childfree life and regret having a child....

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, it is shit and does feel unfair.

I to was never excited. I dreaded the appointments and the feelings I would have if / when it failed. Having said that I was lucky that on our 2nd round I was successful with twins.

Only you can decide whether to try again or not. Would you rather have the possible feeling again of a failed cycle OR the feeling of ‘wonder what would of happened if we tried again’?

It’s an emotional rollercoaster - sending hope and best wishes OP x