Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Feeling under pressure to ‘make’ a female child...

48 replies

Mabelann · 09/01/2021 09:04

Really not sure where to post this as it’s a slightly weird one.

I’m pregnant with dc4 and have my anomaly scan coming up. I haven’t told a soul (other than work) that I’m pregnant - I haven't had to as no one sees me outside of zoom calls so can’t tell.

I think the reason I haven’t told anyone is because I feel under pressure to have a female child and I don’t want the feeling that other people are judging me for being an idiot to have a 4th because it’ll be just another boy.

My three boys are awesome and as much as I’d really love to have a girl more than anything, I also really just want another child. Im pretty sure I’m having a boy and I’m dreading telling anyone, dreading the pitying looks and the attitude / assumption that I’ve burdened myself with yet another child on the failed gamble that I might have a girl this time. Dreading the judgement that I’ve been silly to try again.

I know that if I had been told that DH only made male sperm - i.e. that a daughter was not a possible outcome - i would have still had a 4th child. That said, with three boys already, if I could choose, I’d choose to have a girl this time.

I feel like If I come away from the anomaly scan with news of a healthy boy I will find it difficult to tell people, but if I get news of a healthy girl I will be fine to tell people. I’m also scared about how I will feel if it’s a boy as it will mean that I will never have a daughter (4 is the right amount of children for us) and that will feel very final, I guess until now there has always been a slither of hope.

Please no comments about health being the only thing that matters, I’m well aware of that!

I don’t know how to stop feeling the way that I do so I can get on and look forward to this new baby.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Ragwort · 09/01/2021 09:10

Who are you feeling pressure from if no one know yous are pregnant? Is it yourself?

There is no need to tell anyone whether you are having a boy or a girl, in fact why not tell the sonographer that you don't want to know, then you will get a genuine 'surprise' when the baby is born.

You will probably get comments anyway - it's not always a popular decision to choose to have four children particularly during a pandemic so maybe you need to be tough and just acquire a thick skin.

SephrinaX · 09/01/2021 09:12

Don't find out the sex at the scan? Keep it a surprise. Then when you have your baby in your arms you probably won't care too much if it's a boy or girl.

SendHelp30 · 09/01/2021 09:13

Misses the point of the thread - a female child??? You mean a girl?

SendHelp30 · 09/01/2021 09:13

Agree with pp- don’t find out.

curtaincalll · 09/01/2021 09:15

Our friends have 5 boys. They weren't trying for a girl but they would have preferred one after ds3. With ds5, they found out the sex but didn't tell anyone else until he was born. Once the baby is born people aren't so pitying and just focus on the baby. Do you need to tell others even if you'd like to know?

MrsWonderland · 09/01/2021 09:16

You're pregnant. You've already made the decision to have the baby and will either be having a boy or a girl. My point is that worrying about it isn't going to change anything - either telling others or the actual issue which is how YOU feel about it.

For what it's worth Mum Of 4 Boys is an epic introduction. You'll know from your first three that they are people not genders. All entirely different.

(My cousin has 4 boys and her eldest has just given her a granddaughter.)

luxxlisbon · 09/01/2021 09:17

Your projecting here. No one is pitying you for having four boys.

MarthasGinYard · 09/01/2021 09:18

But you said you'd have wanted another dc regardless of sex.

You've told no one so I don't see what the problem is.

Don't tell anyone what sex you are having anyway?

MarthasGinYard · 09/01/2021 09:19

'Your projecting here. No one is pitying you for having four boys.'

I kind of agree it's as though you are actually pitying yourself but wrapping it up a little.

Xiaoxiong · 09/01/2021 09:19

Honestly the pitying looks are in your head. I have two boys and would love to have a whole pack of them if finances and my health allowed. I would be looking at you with jealously!!

Lindy2 · 09/01/2021 09:25

Other people really aren't that bothered about whether you have a boy or a girl. They just really aren't. It's not their baby.

They may make comments like "Oh wow another boy" or "how lovely to have a girl now too". It's just polite conversation. It won't affect them either way if it's a boy or a girl.

I think you'll get comments about having 4 children. You are choosing to have a much larger family than most people do so that will make people comment.

If you are happy with 4 children regardless of if they are boys or girls then that's all that matters. There's no need to feel any pressure about the baby's sex. That's something that no one has control over.

Scaredykittycat · 09/01/2021 09:25

Just don’t tell anyone. It’s really nobody’s business if it’s a boy or a girl. Just say ‘ah we didn’t find out. We are hoping for another boy’ (if it’s a boy). That’ll shut their faces. And then when you give birth, and it’s a boy, you get to say ‘he’s a boy as we hoped!’ Xx

Hardbackwriter · 09/01/2021 09:32

I actually would tell people if you find out it's a boy and are worried about stupid comments. I'm only on DC2 (and my last!) but I got a few stupid and annoying comments about how I must be hoping for a girl this time, all of which stopped once I said it was a second boy in a way that made it clear we were delighted. I think in general an understated advantage of finding out is that you get to stop enduring people 'guessing' based on how you look, your bump, their 'gut feeling', etc. I think if you don't find out you will get lots of that which is going to drive you mad if you feel like everyone already assumes you're hoping for a girl.

CodenameVillanelle · 09/01/2021 09:34

Nobody else cares whether you have a boy or a girl. Genuinely. Nobody will judge you or laugh at you for having 4 boys. They might pass comment on having a houseful of men or something but this will be meant harmlessly.

Original poster

Mabelann · 09/01/2021 09:46

Yeah, I think I assumed no one else would care with dc3 but I got endless comments from all sorts of people about How I must be trying for a girl and asking me for symptoms so they could predict for me etc. And then when I would tell people he was a boy I’d get the head tilts etc.

My boys don’t know I’m having another but my eldest would like a sister, no.2 is happy with anything and no.3 is oblivious. Dh would like a girl but he’s half responsible for whatever we get so I don’t feel pressure from him! I think it’s my parents and the wider family I feel pressure / judgement from. Although I haven’t told them yet I guess I can anticipate their responses.

OP posts:

Haggertyjane · 09/01/2021 09:48

I think you're right, and people will feel disappointed as if it had anything to do with them it's another boy because most people like a mix of genders, and many women love the idea of a girl. I have both and would have been devastated to have two boys, although I would have loved them just as much as I do.

Maybe tell people you are hoping for another boy as you would be no idea what to do with a girl after all those boys? Make a joke of it, prepare people and make it clear you are delighted with another boy. Head them off at the pass with their 'commiserations'. If it's a girl make it clear you would have been happy with either, as some idiots will make it so that your lovely lads were all mistakes and this is what you were waiting for. That would piss me off.

Beamur · 09/01/2021 09:49

Congratulations.
A friend of mine has 4 boys. They are beyond cute as also quite similar looking. My only pity is for her food bill when they hit their teens!

Haggertyjane · 09/01/2021 09:50

Also your DH is 100% responsible for the sex of your baby as it's his sperm which has male and female heads. 😂😂

Nesski · 09/01/2021 09:52

@Mabelann *he is solely responsible for whatever you both have.

It sounds as if you're putting the pressure on yourself here as most of the people you've listed don't even know! Any comments made you or will be made you should bat off, and you should make them feel awkward with their assumptions!

RandomMess · 09/01/2021 09:57

I have 4 girls and preferred girls, we didn't find out sex in advance and has very comments about if we wanted a boy etc. After she was born and the odd comment was made DH was very clear with a "wanted a girl actually".

So I wouldn't find out what sex and be brazen with others about wanting "4 the same sex as it's easier, it's not like having 4 of the same just because they're all boys you know!"

Hope the anomaly scan goes well

Potentialscrooge · 09/01/2021 09:59

Your husband is not “half responsible” he’s fully responsible. It’s the sperm that dictates the sex of the baby, your body has absolutely no control over this. Neither of you can actually do anything, it’s just luck.

Onlinedilema · 09/01/2021 10:00

I agree with others about not telling anyone the sex. I think people may secretly judge you for having a fourth child during a pandemic but so what as long as you understand the consequences. You sound a bit paranoid so try and relax. Apart from grandparents, nobody else cares, it's just conversation. Also one of your boys might end up preferring to do traditional female things which you should encourage. Perhaps don't stick to stereotypical gender roles and dress your baby in 'neutral' colours and let them play with all sorts of toys and engage in non stereotypical activities.

Vallmo47 · 09/01/2021 10:10

I hope you get the gender you desire and that all is well with you and baby, OP.

There’s another webpage that is a lot more understanding called ingender, should you ever want to vent about about annoying relatives who cannot keep their opinions to themselves.

I wish you well. Good luck with pregnancy. ❤️

Lillygolightly · 09/01/2021 10:17

I know where you are coming from OP, I have 3 DC of the same sex and lots of people assumed we were trying for the opposite sex with DC3. DC3 was in fact a surprise so wasn’t even trying for a baby let alone one of a particular sex . As it happens I love my 3 DC and couldn’t have cared what sex they were. If I was to ever have a DC4 and I could choose the sex I might choose the opposite sex to what we already have purely for a different experience but if a DC4 was the same sex as my others I would be absolutely overjoyed!!!

In your position I would find out the sex at the scan but not share it with others (I couldn’t not find out as it would kill me and I’m impatient) so when people ask why you aren’t finding out the sex you can say well we didn’t find out because we don’t care what sex baby is, we just really wanted another child so we didn’t feel the need to find out, we will be happy with a healthy baby whatever sex they are.

passthemustard · 09/01/2021 10:41

I agree that you will get people making remarks about the size and sexes of your family. As a mother of 5 now, I've heard them all. People do say stupid things and whether they mean them harmlessly or not they still smart a little. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant with my 5th until he was born. Then we only had congratulations because how can you say anything negative about a beautiful newborn baby!

Ignore other people's stupid comments. 4 boys is a wonderful family. And if you do get a girl that's wonderful too. Only your opinion matters.

Flip

1 2