Feeling under pressure to ‘make’ a female child...

[Mabelann]

Really not sure where to post this as it’s a slightly weird one.

I’m pregnant with dc4 and have my anomaly scan coming up. I haven’t told a soul (other than work) that I’m pregnant - I haven't had to as no one sees me outside of zoom calls so can’t tell.

I think the reason I haven’t told anyone is because I feel under pressure to have a female child and I don’t want the feeling that other people are judging me for being an idiot to have a 4th because it’ll be just another boy.

My three boys are awesome and as much as I’d really love to have a girl more than anything, I also really just want another child. Im pretty sure I’m having a boy and I’m dreading telling anyone, dreading the pitying looks and the attitude / assumption that I’ve burdened myself with yet another child on the failed gamble that I might have a girl this time. Dreading the judgement that I’ve been silly to try again.

I know that if I had been told that DH only made male sperm - i.e. that a daughter was not a possible outcome - i would have still had a 4th child. That said, with three boys already, if I could choose, I’d choose to have a girl this time.

I feel like If I come away from the anomaly scan with news of a healthy boy I will find it difficult to tell people, but if I get news of a healthy girl I will be fine to tell people. I’m also scared about how I will feel if it’s a boy as it will mean that I will never have a daughter (4 is the right amount of children for us) and that will feel very final, I guess until now there has always been a slither of hope.

Please no comments about health being the only thing that matters, I’m well aware of that!

I don’t know how to stop feeling the way that I do so I can get on and look forward to this new baby.

People are going to be tactless whatever you have. If it's a girl you will get years of comments that you stopped because you finally had a girl. If it's a boy years of comments/pity. God knows why people do this. My third was a girl and I couldn't believe how tactless people where, like my second son was some sort of error I'd made.

I suggest being positive when ever you mention it and try to ignore it.

Well the sex of any baby is out of your hands as it’s all down to the sperm...so start explaining this to anyone who has a grumble!

@luxxlisbon

Your projecting here. No one is pitying you for having four boys.

I agree. My God, if we all felt bad about what other people thought none of us would do anything.

Things people will judge:

1. SAHM- "must be nice to spend all day eating bon bons on the sofa and doing nothing"

1. Working mum- "why even bother having a kid if someone else is raising it?"

1. Only child- "poor kid will be so lonely and lacking social skills!" "when are you trying for a second???"

1. 2 boys? "Oh you poor thing, you must want a girl living in a house full of yuck boys!"

1. 2 girls? "OMG dont you wish you had a boy to carry on the family name? doesnt your H want a boy- he must be so sad?"

1. 3 kids of different genders? "OMG so irresponsible having 3 kids, I guess you dont give a crap about the environment do you? its YOUR fault polar bears are dying!"

You see? People will judge and bitch and moan about literally whatever you do so just bloody ignore them and do whats right for you.
It doesnt matter what anyone else says, its none of their business and they will judge you no matter WTF you do anyway!

Enjoy your baby.

I’m not planning on having a third, but I have had ‘don’t you want to try for a girl’ comments. Um...no. I don’t want a third child whoever they might be.

As pp have said, it’s the sperm who are responsible for the sex! I think having a pack of boys would be lovely, especially when they’re all grown up and visit. People will always comment regardless of what you have, you just need to think of some quick comments. But also think about if you’re projecting you’re own feelings.

i felt this pressure with my third pregnancy. As if there was anything I could bloody do about it

If I were you I would be angry on behalf of your boys if anyone makes a comment. Don’t just take it lying down. Insist you truly did not care and that a boy is not a consolation prize. You adore the 3 you have and you would never wish them to be the opposite sex, that would be wishing away your children and is very insulting. You will love the baby you are having irrespective of its sex.
Stop any conversation with someone who gives you sympathy for having a boy, make it clear that you find what they say extremely insulting.

I actually did end up feeling REALLY defensive about my boys whenever anyone commented. I was not about to let anyone make the assumption that boys were some sort of booby prize.
I think people just speak without thinking

Yes, I know exactly how you are feeling, I have 3 boys and with my 3rd everyone said oh you must be hoping for a girl..... nope a healthy baby will do me. I am also now expecting no.4 (with a larger gap) and I am dreading telling people because I know they will assume it is an attempt for a girl, which it isn't and it isn't an assumption in my head as I've already been through it with my 3rd.

I'm only on my first pregnancy, and on announcing it was a boy my aunt (who had two sons, with my cousin also having two sons) said "I hope you're ok with that as you can't send them back now!" . People will always have opinions, and really I think lots of people don't really know what to say so say something stupid. Perhaps if it is a boy saying "we're delighted he's a healthy boy!" Will help stave off some questioning?

It’s weird that boys are seen as less desirable than girls as young children (in the west). I cannot count the number of head tilts I’ve had over the years.

I think you’re all right, if people ask me I’m just going to say that I forgot to ask the sex at the anomaly scan because I was focussed on the health of the baby. I’ve found out sex with all my others so people will assume I’ll do the same again.

I have to go to the scan on my own which is already nerve wracking. We had a problem on the 20 week scan with one of our DCs (all fine now) and i can’t imagine getting that kind of news on my own.

@Mabelann that’s rubbish! So sorry that’s been your experience! I remember when I had DD everyone expected me to of wanted a boy and it’s widely perceived round here that everyone wants a boy!

I'd love four boys! I stopped at two as I was worried I'd have a girl.

Congratulations on whatever the baby is, and enjoy your sons

As people have said, you are right, there are those that feel they have to comment and can come off badly whether they mean to or not. It is best to have some stock answers ready so it is just like water off a ducks back. And you can be genuine and say we planned for 4 and didn't mind what any of them would be. And yes, going back to biology if it was up to the women we would all be girls, we produce an X chromosome (a girl) and then the man an X or Y this determines which you have. If I was you, decide between your husband and you if you two want to know, to get your heads around what you are having, plan ahead and then decide as a separate issue if you then tell others if you do find out.

As you will already know having 3 boys is awesome!!
If I were to have another I'd love another boy! Why complicate things?
If anyone comments, which I know they do just say boys are the best why would you not want another!! & you will be surrounded by men who love you forever.

Im with @MsMiaWallace I would love another boy. I have 1 DD and 2 DS. We won’t be having anymore children but I would’ve loved another boy.

Another one with 2 boys who would love another.

My boys are so loving, kind and amazing. If I were to have another, I would choose another boy

I kind of know how you feel OP. I felt similar pressure this time and only had one child (a boy). My PIL really felt strongly about needing me to have a girl, I had so many comments about how I had to make sure this baby was a girl I felt under enormous pressure.
The strange thing is they absolutely idolise DS, they have him overnight once a week, absolutely spoil and adore him, his Grandma does lovely crafts with him every week, they could not possibly love him anymore.
We had a 16wk gender scan (I know it's sex but that's what they call it!) and found out this baby was a girl, I was happy but had imagined 2 little boys and almost didn't want to tell anyone as couldn't bear the "thank goodness it's a girl" comments.
I'm now 3wks away from giving birth and starting to have major anxiety the scan was wrong (and the 2 since then....medical scans but confirmed the sex) and everyone will be annoyed and disappointed. Stupid pregnancy hormones and nerves.

Hey @Mabelann just a bit of solidarity here. I sent a pic to FIL asking him if he knew a flower growing in our garden (I know that sounds right twatty), and he came back straight away and with the right answer. I said “who’s a clever FIL etc et”. He said “what’s my prize, a granddaughter?” So I have a 3.6 year old DS and a just 4mo DS. I mean bloody hell I gave birth less than 6 months ago! I wouldn’t change my DS2 for the world but I carry a blood disorder that affects boys and thankfully neither of them have it. If I went for DC3 and could guarantee a girl for genetic reasons I would. I cried when I found out DS2 was a boy because of the clotting risk and because I’m not close with my mum and would love a daughter. How you feel isn’t wrong, you just need to make peace with it and sod what anyone else says or thinks.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter 🙌 ha

I had boy, girl, boy and when I announced our third baby was on the way there was surprise. Why did I want another baby when I already had one of each? TBH I would have loved four bus, or even three so I don't see boys as lesser. IME they are easier, more straight forward, very loving and fabulous. I wish I could have had another dd as it would have been really interesting to see if dd is like she is because she is her or a girl, as my boys are similar in many ways and she isn't like them in any way. All have same dad.

Much as I like buses I don't want four of them . Four boys..

I don't think people will judge you or even pity you if they're aware that you're happy to have another boy. The comments you'll get will probably be jokey type ones about starting a football team etc. I agree, don't tell people until after the baby's born, then speak about how delighted you are.

Any awful comments tell them you had sex doggy style as you are hoping for a puppy this time...
People commenting on anyone's dc makes me so mad... I had 6 boys after a dd. I certainly wasn't trying for another dd...
I did have 2 more dd's and wouldn't wish that on anyone!! At 14 +15 I would swap for 2 more ds's any day!