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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender Disappointment

68 replies

bumptobean · 08/01/2021 11:02

Hate the term because I know I wouldn’t be disappointed at all.. a baby is a baby and a little miracle either way.

But I have a little boy and can not stop thinking about #2 being another boy. We have had the name picked out for ages, every time I think about having 2 babies they are both boys.

If it turned out I was having a girl.. I would be so so so surprised and I don’t know why as there’s 50/50 chance.. it’s the unknown I suppose? But if it was a boy I feel I’d be equally nervous that this is our last baby and I’ll never have a daughter..

It doesn’t help my dear Nan has always told me..
‘A daughter is a friend for life, a sons a friend till he finds a wife’

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Biffbaff · 08/01/2021 12:49

Hey OP. I have a son and I admit I was nervous before I had him, having found out at the 20 week scan, as I had imagined my baby as a girl and wondered whether I would "get" (like understand) a boy. It now seems a silly worry to have had, though I realise in my case it was psychological and having tackled my issues there I can both understand them and see them for what they were.

Now, in fact, like you, if we have another baby I now imagine being absolutely thrilled with a second boy (I also have a name I love) and I would love to see a brother relationship blossom! So now I would feel nervous about having a girl! There is a lot of family pressure to have a girl too, esp as my husband is one of 4 boys. This pressure is ridiculous and I find it really annoying.

For all the reasons above I have decided to not find out the sex at the 20 week scan in my next pregnancy and just go with the flow. I know that when baby arrives they will be their own little person and I will love them whatever they are!

In short, I totally understand how you feel. Good luck with your pregnancy

Carysmatthews · 08/01/2021 12:49

@MandosHatHair

A daughter is a friend for life, a sons a friend till he finds a wife

This awful saying is probably the route cause of gender disappointment over boys. It is perfectly acceptable for mums and daughters to be close, but if a son is close to his mum, he is a mummy's boy and the mum is seen as an interfering MIL who is to be kept at arms length.

This is so true. I think you only need to read the threads on here to see so many men seem conflicted as to wear their loyalties lie, whether it’s to their wives or mothers. My only child is gay. I hope he marries then I’ll have two sons and no daughter in law to worry about (if your friend’s nan is correct OP).

ShowOfHands · 08/01/2021 12:53

Ohhhh AIBU don't ever change.

Sure there are loads of threads on here about awful Mils and DILs who can't bear them but they're the vocal ones. We don't post to talk about our normal, affectionate familial relationships. AIBU in particular is a hotbed of whinging vitriol. All of the people I know in rl get on just fine with their ILs but then I don't know people who are doing half the stuff people on AIBU claim. Nobody I know "sits people down to gently explain" asinine crap to them, nor do they "not stand for that" personal reasonable request and tell people to "fuck right off".

OP, as per my original comment, you'll be fine. Promise. Good luck for the rest of the pregnancy and the birth.

quieterinreallife · 08/01/2021 13:11

I completely understand where you are coming from. After having ds1 I really wanted another boy and couldn't see myself with a girl.
When I fell pregnant again I found out what I was having as I felt I needed time to get my head around the idea of having a girl.

MNHQ

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 08/01/2021 13:13

Hello @bumptobean - we're just moving this over to Pregnancy, as requested.

WingingIt101 · 08/01/2021 13:18

I had my first baby this year and decided not to find out the gender before birth.
For some unknown reason I convinced myself I was having a boy. Had a name picked for both but only really identified with the baby boy name, thinking that was my baby. Drawn to typically boy clothes, nursery decor (I know they are also fine for a girl, she has plenty of both!) and although I didn’t admit it out loud thought I might experience similar feelings to what you describe if I had a girl.

You can see where it’s going. I had a girl. And I can believe I ever worried about or thought those things. She’s brilliant. Mixture of typically girly and typically boyish traits. You are right that you won’t care when the baby is born!

Mumtoalittlegirl · 08/01/2021 13:22

I understand. I think once you find out you will accept it and be happy either way.

I have the most amazing little girl. And I’m pregnant with twins! I’m a girl Mum, and a girl Auntie and I’m not going to lie- part of me just wants two more girls as it’s what I know and I think it would be amazing. Or just one more girl!

Then I realise how lucky I am to already have my wonderful girl and TWO babies on the way!

I love that we don’t get to decide, it’s just one of those things that’s meant to be either way.

Russellbrandshair · 08/01/2021 13:22

It doesn’t help my dear Nan has always told me..
‘A daughter is a friend for life, a sons a friend till he finds a wife

Yes, because that one sentence sums up EVERY man in the world doesnt it?
Much like "all women love pink" or "all women love babies"- also both completely true of every woman in existence arent they?

For heavens sake, stop making yourself miserable over some stupid old wives saying. It wasnt true then and its not true now. My dad cared for my grandma for years and adored her. I work in social care and I see plenty of men who adore their mums and take great care of them.
Your feelings are valid but at least question why they are based on some stupid sexist saying that was made up in the 1900s.

Parkperson · 08/01/2021 13:56

Do you not think MN is responsible for so many posts on here about Gender Disappointment? It is rare to see more than a few threads pop up without a woman complaining about her MIL or Sil. I followed a thread the other day when a woman admitted her parents has come on her honeymoon and then some posters admitted they had done the same and their husbands had given in to keep them happy. Despite what MN would have us believe, a lot of men are not controlling and encourage their wives to have a good relationship with their parents. Many women are not as generous and they are more controlling. I do think there are a lot of misogynistic posts from women on MN. Some women seem so ready to hate other women.
If there were more positive examples of men maintaining good relationship with their parents on MN, there might be less gender disappointment. It is so wearying to hear the cry 'Mummy's boy' if a man sees his parents regularly. I would ban sexist terms of abuse such as 'Mummy's boy' if it was up to me.

Russellbrandshair · 08/01/2021 14:21

It is so wearying to hear the cry 'Mummy's boy' if a man sees his parents regularly. I would ban sexist terms of abuse such as 'Mummy's boy' if it was up to me

I agree. If a man rings his mother regularly he gets called a "mummy's boy" but if a woman rings her mum regularly its apparently totally normal.

I think the people that say this rubbish don't realise that its damaging to BOTH genders. The more such stupid stereotypes are repeated, the worse we both have it and the more people are "forced" into ridiculous patterns of behaviour that are uncomfortable and unnatural and based purely on gender.

Parkperson · 08/01/2021 14:35

@Russellbrandshair. Completely agree with you. Perhaps we can start a movement to object every time a poster accuses her partner of being a 'Mummy's Boy'. It is so spiteful and misogynistic

Original poster

bumptobean · 08/01/2021 14:47

Definitely not miserable or have any gender disappointment! Simply said I don’t know I feel for each gender

OP posts:

KylieKangaroo · 08/01/2021 15:06

I understand where you're coming from OP, my first child I wasn't bothered but this one I kind of hoped for another girl, just because I have all the clothes and things already! Silly reason but there you go.

My other half is also wayy closer to his Mum than I am so it's all rubbish really isn't it. We know that though but it's still nice to talk about these things, beats talking about covid hey!

Sceptre86 · 08/01/2021 15:30

Yanbu. We had dd first and dh had a slight preference towards having another dd, I wasn't fussed. We had ds. We are now having a third and dh again has a preference for a dd (he would like dd to have a baby sister) whereas I am not fussed. I always wanted a mixed family and have that already so feel it will be a blessing either way.

Re your gran's comments i can't help but feel that it is true in some ways. For instance I speak to my mum daily, she often rings me or I her. Dh rings his mum once a week and most of the time I have to prompt him or I ring her myself and pass over the phone. He is more than capable but just doesn't see the need to speak to her daily and finds that excessive, not sure of mil's expectation as I have never asked. He is a loving son, hugs and kisses his mum, takes her flowers and goes to see her or we invite her over to ours just doesn't feel the need to speak to her everyday. My own brother is an only son, the rest of us are female and he is very close to my mum but still doesn't ring her very often and she has to prompt him to ring her ( in his defence he is a junior dr and works shifts).

You have every right to feel the way that you do. It doesn't in anyway mean you are being ungrateful. Look at it as being a positive either way, another boy will have his own personality and might be completely different to your son. A dd would be a completely different experience in her own right as she will have her own personality.

yarrow89 · 08/01/2021 16:26

‘A daughter is a friend for life, a sons a friend till he finds a wife'

Can someone tell my husband that so he stops ringing his mum every day!! I swear he's going to live stream the birth to her...

MandosHatHair · 08/01/2021 17:06

What's wrong with him calling his Mum every day yarrow89?

luxxlisbon · 08/01/2021 17:18

@yarrow89
Your post proves the point of this though, that being close to your mum as a woman is okay but as a man you are a "mummy's boy" and it is wrong to ring her every day.

grandmasterstitch · 08/01/2021 17:28

I have a DS and when I got pregnant again I wanted a girl because it's likely to be my last pregnancy and one of each would be lovely. Then we settled on a boys name and I thought a boy would be my preference. When we were told baby is a girl I was pleased by not as delighted as I expected if that makes sense. Which makes me think I would have been pleased either way. I think hormones play a big part as well, I can be very up and down! I've had two scans since my 20 week scan and both times I've asked them to double check it's definitely a girl 😂

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