Page 2 | Gender Disappointment

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

romany4 · 08/01/2021 11:54

I have 2 boys. I wanted 2 boys.
I actually thought Ds2 was a girl as the pregnancy was totally different. Was very surprised when they said it's another but during his scan.
I never wanted a girl so don't feel I missed out.

And they're both in their 20s now. And I see them all the time. Ds1 also has a lovely girlfriend who I have a fab relationship with won't be old saying about losing your son as he gets older is bollocks

DappledThings · 08/01/2021 11:57

@notinthiseconomy

People aren't even skimming the OP, are they?

Nope, just reading the two word subject line and jumping right in.

notinthiseconomy · 08/01/2021 11:58

@SnuggyBuggy

I prefer the expression having a penis and testicles doesn't prevent you from keeping in touch with your parents. Wish I could word it to rhyme though.

"Testicles and a penis won't stop him from seeing us?"

SnuggyBuggy · 08/01/2021 12:00

I can't wait to use that on my MIL

schnubbins · 08/01/2021 12:01

Well I have two boys now in their 20's who i am vey close to.I do get a bit nervous though when I read all the posts about the hated MIL.

Lou98 · 08/01/2021 12:02

My partner was an only child and is male, he's always went to see her every few days since moving out. He works away (2 weeks away, 2 weeks home) so when he's not here I always go up and see his mum loads, they're very close. I'm pregnant with our first and she's been great and I will most likely see her more than my own family once the baby is born (although I am close with my family too). So for your post about wanting to be close to your future grandkids, that is definitely possible with only having sons 😁

Pumpertrumper · 08/01/2021 12:04

A daughter is a friend for life, a sons a friend till he finds a wife

Am i the only MN’er whose gonna be honest about the sheer volume of MIL bashing which goes on in so many threads. It’s not hard to see where stuff like this^ comes from. Some MIL’s do deserve it but the vast majority are simply guilty of wanting to be more involved in their son/grandchildren’s lives that the wife/woman is happy with and they get territorial.

My brother and I were both raised incredibly close to our mum. She did everything for us. Even I thought my DB would never ‘be one of those guys’ moment his girlfriend moved in and took over ‘looking after’ him he disappeared off the face of the earth to my DM and she had to make all their plans via his GF. (Who luckily is lovely). Meanwhile she’s at my house with my DH and DC every other day and one of the family.

I love that so many MN’ers as so optimistic about it not being the case but I think this is one of those ‘exception not the rule’ cases. It’s perfectly possible to have a boy who you’re every bit as close to and involved with as a DD. It’s also possible to have a DD who you're hardly involved with at all. BUT if you surveyed it you’re gonna notice a significant trend for girls being closer to their own mums and boys disappearing somewhat when they marry/move in. Let’s not pretend that’s not true!

SnuggyBuggy · 08/01/2021 12:06

The problem is when MIL expects the DIL to facilitate her contact with the family when her son is perfectly capable.

Buddytheelf85 · 08/01/2021 12:15

I get it OP. I have a boy and in my head we’ll have another boy if we try again. I can’t imagine having a girl because I’m so attached to my existing boy I think.

Would it help to turn it round so to think about it as winning either way, rather than missing out on an experience either way?

If you have a boy you get to have two boys; if you have a girl you get to have one of each. Win win!

Pumpertrumper · 08/01/2021 12:18

@SnuggyBuggy

But there’s a reason they don’t do it.
My DH works FT whilst I work PT, because of that (and me being pretty into organising) I tend to make our apts, plan our schedules, organise classes/clubs and co ordinate our social calendar.

So MIL rings DH and asks when she can pop over for lunch. He will 100% tell her a day we have something else on or are already busy. Because he doesn’t check the calendar on a daily basis and I don’t update him with every single new thing as soon as I plan it.

So basically DH gets to a Friday night and is like ‘right what are we doing this weekend again?’ And that’s how we live our lives.

That’s how 85% of our friends and family live their lives so I don’t think it’s unusual at all. MIL is totally screwed trying to make plans with DH and will always be on the back foot.

borntohula · 08/01/2021 12:21

Well, if that saying were true, how come so many women put up with mummy's boys?

Livebythecoast · 08/01/2021 12:21

@SnuggyBuggy

I prefer the expression having a penis and testicles doesn't prevent you from keeping in touch with your parents. Wish I could word it to rhyme though.

How about 'penis and testies - we can still be besties '

SnuggyBuggy · 08/01/2021 12:24

I'd just tell DH to call back and say he's made a mistake. The way I see it is he has a relationship with his parents that existed before me and shouldn't need me to manage it.

PoppiesinOctober · 08/01/2021 12:24

@Pumpertrumper

A daughter is a friend for life, a sons a friend till he finds a wife

Am i the only MN’er whose gonna be honest about the sheer volume of MIL bashing which goes on in so many threads. It’s not hard to see where stuff like this^ comes from. Some MIL’s do deserve it but the vast majority are simply guilty of wanting to be more involved in their son/grandchildren’s lives that the wife/woman is happy with and they get territorial.

My brother and I were both raised incredibly close to our mum. She did everything for us. Even I thought my DB would never ‘be one of those guys’ moment his girlfriend moved in and took over ‘looking after’ him he disappeared off the face of the earth to my DM and she had to make all their plans via his GF. (Who luckily is lovely). Meanwhile she’s at my house with my DH and DC every other day and one of the family.

I love that so many MN’ers as so optimistic about it not being the case but I think this is one of those ‘exception not the rule’ cases. It’s perfectly possible to have a boy who you’re every bit as close to and involved with as a DD. It’s also possible to have a DD who you're hardly involved with at all. BUT if you surveyed it you’re gonna notice a significant trend for girls being closer to their own mums and boys disappearing somewhat when they marry/move in. Let’s not pretend that’s not true!

Yep

Calmandmeasured1 · 08/01/2021 12:32

YABU to talk of gender disappointment. You can only find out a child's sex. Their gender is a social construct that they will decide on for themselves when they are much older, never mind before they are even born.

Can't you refer to the fairly recent thread on this for responses to save everyone having to regurgitate the same answers again? Was that you under a different username?

Pumpertrumper · 08/01/2021 12:34

@SnuggyBuggy

Right so every time mil wants to make plans to see us and DC she should

ring DH- he doesn’t answer as at work.
finally get a call back from DH (usually hands free on way home from work) get given a time/date she knows probably isn’t ok with the caveat of ‘I’ll have to check with Pumpertrumper though’.
wait for DH to ring her back to inform her that date/time isn’t possible
listen to DH whisper ‘so when are we free to see mum?’ to me in the back ground whilst I check through the calendar and whisper back a time/date

As opposed to

-ring me and get a time/date that works straight away.

Original poster

bumptobean · 08/01/2021 12:37

First of all, this is my first time posting lol. Second of all, I’ve not stated I would have gender disappointment. My post, if you read it properly, says I’m not sure how I would feel about either gender.

OP posts:

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 12:38

Gender disappointment is a completely valid feeling and people have no right to sneer and judge those who suffer from it.

I'll confess I got it with DD. I really wanted a son. I really didn't want a daughter.

Having had a bit of therapy it turns that was about my own terrible relationship with my nasty narcissistic mother. Who not only turned a blind eye when she found out I was being sexually abused by a family member, but went on to pretend it didn't happen and even tried to force a friendship on me with him. The gender disappointment was about how I subconsciously didn't want a terrible relationship with my own daughter,.

My girl is now 8 and I couldn't love her more. She's probably the best person I know and we are very close. I also had my much long for boy who I also love to bits. But I do think what the OP's nana said is utter drivel.

DappledThings · 08/01/2021 12:39

Pumpertrumper
Or she could just call in the evening so he can answer and he can learn to check a calendar because it's not at all difficult to do so. Or he can check with you and then call her back.

There doesn't need to be a rigid only one adult communicates with one set of grandparents but the assumption that it totally falls to the DIL to facilitate is weird too.

We see PIL 90% of the time when DH arranges it. They call him first because he's their son and he's perfectly capable of some very minor admin. I wouldn't object if they started calling me first but I would find it really odd.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/01/2021 12:41

@Pumpertrumper if you want to manage your DHs social life that's up to you. I certainly couldn't be fucked with it.

FlamedToACrisp · 08/01/2021 12:42

YANBU. There is still an unfortunate tendency for men to expect their wife/partner to do the keeping in touch/bothering to buy a birthday gift/ arranging to visit stuff. I have gone out of my way to be a friendly, welcoming, non-judgemental and not-constantly-on-the-doorstep MIL, but I seem to be losing touch with both my sons.

NotQuiteUsual · 08/01/2021 12:43

When I was pregnant with my second, I really wanted a daughter, but I also really wanted a son. So when we found out the babies sex I was so happy and so disappointed.

Even though it's all in your imagination, you build up this image and finding out they're a different sex, is the first time you're hit with the realization you have absolutely 0 control over one of the biggest life changes your can go through. Of course it's emotional even if it's not 'right'

LilMidge01 · 08/01/2021 12:43

Sorry but I would not want to be the daughter of anyone who believes your nan's phrase. And i consider my mum my friend, but would resent anyone thinking that it was a given from birth to 'amuse' them and be their friend....you are raising people, not pets

Remaker · 08/01/2021 12:45

My first was a girl. Number 2 came along only 18 mths later. DH was sure it would be another girl and was hoping it would be as he felt confident with our daughter. I decided a girl would be great as DD would have a sister close in age. A boy would be great so DH and I would have the experience of raising a son. We had a DS and DH found very quickly that it really wasn’t that different having a boy.

You’ll find the positives regardless.

Original poster

bumptobean · 08/01/2021 12:47

This is so true. With my son, I wanted a boy and when I found out he was a boy - I felt a little sad to not have a girl! Bizarre

OP posts: