SAHP (stay at home dad) & Money

[SophieMorton]

Hi Everyone
My DP wants to be a stay at home parent. As I earn more, and enjoy my job, I’m happy with arrangement.
Financially it’ll be tighter but not as tight as if we were to pay nursery fees vs what he earns.
What I want advice/experiences on is how you (irrelevant of who is the sahp) carve up money...?

I will be paying for everything Bill wise, do people then carve up the leftover disposable 50/50?
How about allowances or are they deemed offensive these days?
I think I earn too much to be entitled to any tax credits - which normally go to the sahp?

Any thoughts appreciated 👍🏼

I think you should both have the same disposable income each month, after bills are paid. I can’t see how any other way is fair.

I am a SAHM, all money that comes in is family money. We divide it up into bills first, then different budgets like car repair savings/ money to be spent on kids that month/ monthly food budget, after that we each get an "allowance" which is currently £60 a week. That is only for things we personally need/ want- coffee from costa, pc games, mobile phone bills, gifts for the other persons birthday etc. The kids spending comes out of the kids budget. Everything left at the end of the month goes into savings which again are joint. The only thing we see as "his money" or "my money" are the allowances which go into our personal accounts. In my opinion, the only way having a sahp works is by having a main joint account that everything goes into and both parents have equal access to. We also discuss budgets between us and make financial decisipns together.

@SophieMorton
We get paid into our separate bank accounts (whilst I'm still pregnant) then we put all our money into a joint account, but keep back an amount for our own personal bills and X amount spending money.
Each month we have the same personal spending money, depending on what the joint/house needs. For example, we might keep £100 back each, and that's my own money he can't comment on.
I'll be giving up my job and my partner will continue, so I see his salary as a shared salary.
Each to their own though! X

We swapped to a complete joint finances when DH became a SAHD. the truth is that we didn't have a whole lot of extra disposable income so an "allowance" each seemed unnecessary and we are both similar in terms of what we do and don't think is acceptable spending. However, if you do want personal spending money, then yes, an allowance, paid to both of you, is fair. Importantly, what is included in this allowance needs to be clearly understood by both parties. eg, I would not expect any coffees/lunches etc while he's out and about with the baby to come under his personal allowance. Similarly, cost of your lunches/coffees at work should be under joint expenses. Alternatively, the "allowances" need to be significantly generous to cover all these day to day spendings. if you are doing allowances, I'd say make it purely for luxuries and personal spending - eg clothes etc. But even then, think about it carefully. If you usually buy (and can afford) expensive skin care products and he does nothing more than wash his face with a bit of soap, then if skin care comes under your allowance, this needs to be taken into account.

Basically, unless you think he's going to be spending with gay abandon on expensive designer outfits and you'll have no cash left over, shared access to funds seems to make the most sense.

We’ve always just had a joint account, I earn marginally more than my husband but I took mat leave with our 2 children and will with our 3rd in a couple of months. I can’t get my head around allowances and dividing up money etc, but then again I’m married so maybe slightly different. To me we are 1 household so we have however much we have in the bank to live on, no one is given pocket money.

@TisTheSeasonToEatLots We only have "allowances" as we both have different priorities around our spending- dh will save for months then spend out £400 on a computer part whereas I'm more likely to spend £4 on coffee 4x a week, it just stops us arguing about that kind of purchase. And means when we buy each other presents the other doesn't see how much was spent and where etc 😆 Aside from our personal spending money I agree, everything including savings should be joint once married, and it was this way when I worked as well.

We have always just kept the same amount of personal money and everything else is joint regardless of income. At times I earned more, at other times husband earned more. I will go on maternity leave and we will do the same setup. When our income massively changes we review how much personal money suits, then we both get say £600 and the rest goes to bills whether that is one person paying £1k and the other paying £3k. For us it works better than paying bills proportionally as that leaves one with more money than the other.

If one of us stayed at home we would do the same thing. The SAHP would have the same discretionary spending as the working parent.

Lots of our spending is done on the joint account, we just like to maintain a small amount that can be spent on whatever and it has meant we never have any arguments. If husband blows it all on whiskey over a weekend with his friends, or I spend all mine on one pair of shoes it doesn't matter.

We've always just had a joint account that everything gets paid into.

We don't have an 'allowance' but we are both fairly sensible spenders, and anything over say £50 we would generally discuss with each other - not to ask permission but just to make the other person aware and have a chat about whether we can afford it and whether it is needed - in 19 years we haven't yet vetoed each other buying something.

Thanks everyone.
I’ve spoken to him about it several times but he says he really doesn’t care as long as he access to some money...he’s asked all our friends but none of them inc a sahp hence reaching out.
I think joint account is best, allowance does seem quite antiquated and I can’t see myself being happy with that if it was the other way around.
Thanks

A joint pot for day to day spends is a good idea, with a separate joint pot that all the bills come out of.

I'd never advise an unmarried person to become a SAHP as there is little legal financial security, so would you and he consider marrying?

How long are you planning on taking maternity leave, and how much notice does he need to give his employer to leave his job? May be worth you and he sharing any parental leave if his employer pays a fair rate, before he officially quits.

I think I earn too much to be entitled to any tax credits - which normally go to the sahp?

Any tax credits/child benefit should Just be added to the incidental spends pot.

When I was a SAHM we shared all our money equally (in fact we still do now I'm back at work). It works easily for us because we're both careful with money. I think the only issue would be if the earning partner felt that the non-earning partner was splashing money around.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
Yes we’ve discussed marriage, we’re both divorced so it’s been on the bottom of the priority list but for the reasons you’ve mentioned I agree.

Im going to take 12 weeks (until smp kicks in) and then he is going to take over as it will be much easier financially, and eventually leave his job.

Sounds very sensible and well organised.

Can he not get another part time job that fits around your job. He's need his own disposable income, it will cause arguments if your the one with all the money and he needs to ask the same would be vice versa.

He's need his own disposable income, it will cause arguments if your the one with all the money and he needs to ask the same would be vice versa

Where does the OP say she will have a situation where he needs to ask for money? A SAHM (in my opinipn) should be able to share the family income. Why would a SAHD be any different?

@lovescaca
That’s exactly the situation I’m trying to avoid; him needing to ask for money. Hence is it best for us both to have access to the disposable that’s left via a joint account or have some sort of equal allowance each.
He could get a PT job but it wouldn’t outweigh the cost of nursery and if we get the money situation right, then he’d have more money being a ft sahp.
It’s me that would have a lot less than I’m used to haha 😆

He should register for child benefit, even if you are unable to claim anything, as he will get credits towards his state pension. What is his plan long term for work, will he stay at home until retirement?

@Brown76
Thanks for that, I didn’t realise you could still register for pension sake.
No plans as yet...think we’re going to see how it all goes! He might hate it, I might hate being at work so who knows...🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Ideally you both have free access to the joint account to buy joint things like food, babies things etc. Then you should both have the same spending money each month.

Have you sorted pensions so that his pension contributions continue while he is out of work?

I work and DH was a SAHD. We’ve always had a joint account for bills and then accounts for our money.

I paid the amount required into the joint account and then split the rest and transferred half to him.

@FairyontopofthetreeBatman sounds like what we’ll end up doing now 👍🏼

@SimonJT No, we hadn’t thought about it until the conversation came up re registering for child benefit. Another thing for the list!

I second him registering for child benefit even if you have to pay it all back (sliding scale from £50k-£60k, keep it all at 50k and pay it all back at 60k) - just for the pension credits.

My mum was a SAHM and has an account of "her" money so she didn't need to ask my dad to buy her things like new tights/a coffee out/could buy a birthday present for my dad without ruining the surprise. I don't have any direct experience myself but it worked well for them!

Just coming back on here because I keep seeing references to being able to buy a coffee when out etc. This really is important. He needs to be able to do all the same day to day spending that you do. Which is why even if you DO do allowances, I'd suggest that day to day spending of this sort is NOT allowance funds but rather from joint account, for both of you. Because quite honestly, if he's with the baby, a coffee out is not a little treat. It's basic survival and it infuriates me when SAHPs, male or female, feel like they can't just buy a coffee or get lunch or whatever while the "working" parent is happily getting two coffees and a pret sandwich every single day.

[DH, for example, dealing with DS who only slept in pram or car for a very long time, would take DS to town in the pram. DS would nap. DH would then collapse at Starbucks for a coffee. At some point, DS would wake up. They'd play, possibly go to soft play or whatever. Then DS would have his second nap of the day on the walk home].

@SpaceOp Absolutely! I had to tell my husband that there absolutely needed to be a budget allowance for me to have a coffee out in a cafe every day of maternity leave. It is basic survival to have some interaction with other people and an enjoyable reason to leave the house when you are alone with a baby all day. Luckily my husband agreed that this was a need not a luxury for us!