SAHP (stay at home dad) & Money

[SophieMorton]

Hi Everyone
My DP wants to be a stay at home parent. As I earn more, and enjoy my job, I’m happy with arrangement.
Financially it’ll be tighter but not as tight as if we were to pay nursery fees vs what he earns.
What I want advice/experiences on is how you (irrelevant of who is the sahp) carve up money...?

I will be paying for everything Bill wise, do people then carve up the leftover disposable 50/50?
How about allowances or are they deemed offensive these days?
I think I earn too much to be entitled to any tax credits - which normally go to the sahp?

Any thoughts appreciated 👍🏼

@SpaceOp
Thanks and yes I agree. He is quite blasé about it all, when it comes to money & happy for me to be in control/decide the structure of finances.
This is fine but I don’t think he has an awareness that something trivial such as getting a coffee could have the potential to blow shit up under pressure! I guess I’ve been more exposed via family & friends and he doesn’t have those references and it’s not something he’s ever thought about before whereas I always have because for most of my earlier life I would have been the one on a lower wage.
I want to be able to present all the options, experiences of others etc so whatever we decide, has been decided together and is fair.
I’m going by what I’d be happy with and want him to actually think about it!

We just have a joint account. DH would never question me buying a coffee or whatever, its both our money and we trust each other to spend it wisely. Obviously the amount that we save is pre-agreed and tucked away and 'big' purchases would be discussed (I'm talking new cars and stuff like that) but we basically put in what we earn and take out what we need.

DH is a SAHD. All money is family money and goes in a joint account. He manages the finances day-to-day; I have full access to everything except his current account (and he to mine).

We do have allowances for exactly the reason that Dinosaur said above - different spending habits. Our allowances are ours to spend with absolutely no accountability or justification.

If you do go for allowances, one thing to think about is the cost of your roles. What pot does your work clothes, work lunch etc come from? What about his spending on toddler groups, sanity coffee with other parents, train fare for a day trip? It sounds like you've got a reasonable disposable income but not so much that you can both burn money without it affecting the other, so make sure either you are both on the same page re spending, or if you aren't (we're not!) that you have clear rules.

Hi
We moved overseas for my work and so my husband was no longer able to work anymore. I transfer our monthly spending money to our joint account and then my husband takes an allowance from that- normally about £50- that as others have mentioned he can buy PlayStation games/ gifts for me with without having to justify it ever. Likewise I take some money into my personal account that he can't see. But I'd say 95%+ of both our purchases come out the joint account
Have you always had separate finances up to this point? Or just split everything 50/50 up till now so have your own savings? Are you used to being completely transparent about your spending? I know for me when we went down this route it made me think about the things I buy more than what he buys as I probably spend more than he does on nice to haves (nails/ gym/ treats)

@Emb08
We’ve always had separate finances.
For bills, we both pay ~25% of our income which means I pay a higher amount but also it’s more equitable.
I also pay for all the food and run/maintain both cars (had to get a second one for baby and him being at home).
So I think I need to add all bills (food, car etc) back into the mix, add some new bills and then draw disposable from that.
I’m happy either way if that stays joint or we transfer to own accounts. Our spending habits will be different and it’s not about justifying what we’ve spent but rather being able to have the freedom without someone seeing the evidence (20 chicken nuggets 🤷🏻‍♀️😂)

Not sure if it's been mentioned already but ideally you should also be putting some money into a private pension for him as well. Losing his job to be a SAHP will mean oodles of money gone from his future pension pot so this needs to be taken into consideration.

He is quite blasé about it all, when it comes to money & happy for me to be in control/decide the structure of finances.

And take all the responsibility no doubt?

If a SAHM admitted to that she'd get a bit of stick on here.

All our regular income (salaries and child benefit) goes into our joint account then we have £100 paid out into our own personal accounts each month for spending money, e.g. clothes, books, etc. All bills, food and petrol are paid from the joint account. If DH or I get a bonus then that's managed differently depending on our financial status at the time. Sometimes it ends up going on household expenditure such as a new boiler, but we have also bought more expensive items for ourselves from a bonus such as a guitar for DH. I got an inheritance (£10k) eleven years ago and spent it all on a new car for me. DH got a lump sum (£7k) last year and it is in our saving account against when his car needs to be replaced. My DH's salary is higher than mine but financially we have the same amount to spend and it works out for us.

We are both earning now but when I was a SAHP (and on maternity leave) we had the same system.

We had one pot, which all income went to. Maternity pay (are you splitting your parental leave so you as a household can still claim this?), salary, child benefit, everything.

Then we paid all bills out of it. Including discretionary things (his gym membership, my monthly Amazon prime, both mobiles, etc) and a food budget.

We looked at what was left, put some in the savings and then split equally what was left, and that went into separate accounts to fritter. And that's what it is - fritter money. For coffees (or energy drinks, in his case), my kindle book addiction, his band tshirt (and when we could, gig tickets) needs, gifts for one another, etc etc. We don't have to justify the spend to each other, we can just use that money. And when it's gone, it's gone. It doesn't have to be a lot but I think it's important in the sense of not feeling beholden to the other, particularly when one of you is working and the other isn't.

Now I'm back at work, our contributions to savings and our fritter money has increased. Likewise when we get pay rises - they all go into the central pot and we both benefit.