Help

[Lostinlife89]

This is a long shot but I'm pretty desperate right now and so lost.
I'm 11 weeks pregnant and my husband is over the moon to say the least. We had an eptopic pregnancy previously where I lost my tube so since then we have been told conception would be difficult if not impossible.
I love my life, we travel all over the world alot with stil alot more of the world I want to see and accomplish more things in my life.
I have a great career based job and so does my husband but I have recently been made redundant due to covid with a new job lined up in January (covering maternity how ironic) so my job situation isn't great right now.
I have a termination booked in for tomorrow. I already feel guilty not for my own sake but my husbands. He supports me no matter what but he's said a few times how can you go through with the termination knowing we could potentially not conceive again.
I feel like its not the right time with my job and so much more I want to do in life. I'm being selfish I know but feel like my life would be over if we keep it and I would only be doing it to please our family and my husband.
Help! Am I doing the right thing?????

If you want to have a child, not just now but at all, I think you might be making a huge mistake to terminate this pregnancy. You only have one fallopian tube and that can cause serious issues with fertility, as you already know. I understand that you feel your job is important, but it is still just a job, and as for travelling, the world will always be there.

I don't know how old you are, but your fertility definitely has an end date, and to be able to get pregnant, without IVF, and a very excited, supportive husband is a trifecta.

You have to make your own decision, but since you asked, and I've raised my children to adulthood, with my first being a massive surprise years ahead before we planned, I'm giving my opinion.

Thank you for your advice. I just need someone to talk to. I feel like I stil want to see so much more of the world and enjoy married life. I'm 30 so not mega young but feel like I have so much more to accomplish before I become a mum. The thought of not having a stable job also scares me. I am being selfish as with one tube my chances rnt great but am I ready

Why do you think you can't enjoy married life with a baby? Why do you think you can't accomplish what you want to if you have a baby? As for being "ready", no one is ever really ready. They may think they are but then reality kicks in once the baby is born.

You can terminate if you want to, it's 100% your choice, but you do need to be aware that your husband may not be as supportive as he claims to be, especially given how happy he is about the pregnancy. He has a huge emotional investment in this as well.

I can't tell you if you are doing the right thing or not, but I can say that it would be a mistake to terminate tomorrow if you're not 100% sure. Can you postpone and have more time to think?

To play devils advocate on the career thing, this might in fact be a great time to have a baby when you're between jobs anyway. You'd still have around 6 months in your new role - a maternity break won't end your opportunities.

Also you can absolutely travel with a family. It's not for everyone but babies are very portable!

As someone else has said, there is never a perfect time and you can never be truly ready. It is a huge change and you need to want it as wel as your husband because you're likely to be doing most of the hard work.

You could consider having your 12 week scan and seeing how you feel after that?

When I told him yesterday my mind is stil leaning towards a termination I could see it in his eyes, he was devastated. He has supported me through tougher times in life and know he would with this. Even tho it's my body it's also his potential baby.

If we have the baby, the selfish last minute unplanned nights out and amazing holidays go out of the window. I would go on maternity just before my new job contract ends so I'm also worried about getting a new job just after giving birth. Everyone around me is happy and excited, why rnt I 😢

My life would change forever and I'm selfish. Once I finish the 6 months on my new role I would be entitled to maternity pay for 6 weeks but I think that is it. Financial I don't want to struggle and resent the baby, all baby's deserve security.
I really appreciate the opinions and advice because I'm torn and lost

@Lostinlife89

My life would change forever and I'm selfish. Once I finish the 6 months on my new role I would be entitled to maternity pay for 6 weeks but I think that is it. Financial I don't want to struggle and resent the baby, all baby's deserve security. I really appreciate the opinions and advice because I'm torn and lost

To be honest this sounds less like you don't want this baby "right now" and more like you don't ever want a child. In which case you need to be honest with your DH and be prepared that it's the end of your marriage

My life would change forever and I'm selfish.

If you truly are that selfish you should never have a baby, and you need to tell your husband this immediately. He has the right to know. You are perfectly within your rights to remain childless, but your husband has the right to find someone who does want children.

I though I wanted all they things that you wanted then my son was born and I realised all I wanted and needed in this world to make me happy was him , in fact I have never felt happiness like it, and I didn’t realise how much I truly loved my husband until he was the father to my son , it takes a while to get back to loving yourself and doing things for yourself but you’d find a way ! I know this might not be what you want to here but it is what it is , I agree with above comment maybe you just don’t ever want children I know a few woman that have lost tubes the same way you did and the have tried for 10+ years to follow pregnant again some it never happened for I know they wouldn’t of gave up the chance to be a mother if it arrived maybe you just never want children and maybe you were just doing it for your husband ? And sadly that’s not the right way , I really hope you find happiness in whatever you choose x

There is never a right time for baby sometimes you just have to go for it and everything falls into place.

Yes life will change abs be difficult for a while but oh my word it's worth it.

@Lostinlife89 does your husband have a more steady job and would he consider taking paternity leave to do the bulk of early childcare?

Can I also ask how old you are? Your prospects for conceiving again with one tube will be very different if you're 21 compared to if you're 34!

I think on a forum like this you're only going to be told not to abort, is that what you want? It is ok to be selfish. It's your life and your body - but it's a big decision that you have to make - ideally with your husband - and be sure about

I think you should delay your termination until you’re absolutely sure it’s what you want. While it doesn’t sound like you really want a baby, the decision is clearly causing you anxiety and I think you need to make peace with it one way or the other before you proceed.

What I would say is that if you think you will want children eventually, aborting a healthy foetus when you will likely struggle to conceive again is a potentially risky move. Now might not feel like the perfect time (there is no such thing!) but it changes things if it’s your only chance. However, if this has been the wake up call to tell you that you don’t ever want children, it’s a bit different.

I would postpone the termination and have a real heart to heart with your husband about childcare, finances, whether you ever want a baby, whether he is happy to never have children if that’s what ends up happening, etc. Hopefully then you can make a choice you are confident in and won’t regret.

@RMarieClaire I'm 30. My husband has a great job earning more money than me, he has said he would do a serious amount of overtime to cover costs ect but what kind of life is that for a new first time mum n dad. I don't know how the paternity thing works, would he loose alot of money if he did it or is it just 2 weeks off full pay.
I think getting told after eptopic my chances wer slim I've come to terms with that and planned my future, now this has happened I'm just sad and I should be excited

@Lostinlife89 he should be entitled to whatever maternity/paternity package his company has. For me that's 16 weeks at either full or 90% pay and then statutory through to 9 months. It would be interesting to out this to him for discussion, if only to give him a chance to understand what having a baby would mean for your career in the short term. Would he be willing to make the same sacrifice?

It does sound like this is a question of not whether you want this baby now, but whether you want a baby ever. A huge decision to make that will have implications on your relationship. I know it's hard at the moment but are you able to give yourself more time to reflect on this. You don't have to terminate immediately - you have time to consider.

@Lostinlife89 if you are not sure don't do it, delay. Once you make this decision there is no going back, you need to be absolutely sure before you go through with this. If your husband isn't supportive of the decision either you could lose him in the process. Its your body but its also his baby. Talk it through, tell him your concerns and he may alleviate them. He would need to check his works policy on maternity /paternity to see what the package is, every employer will have a document to read through about the length of time off that is paid and the % of the salary paid. If you are this early you also have a good few months to save so you can have some time off during pregnancy.

I understand your career worries, but as someone else mentioned, between jobs might be the best time. My friend who is a lawyer got offered a job whilst she was heavily pregnant and started that job after nearly a year off on maternity in her old job. I have another friend who has 1 child and they go travelling to wonderful places with their child.

Unless you earn loads of money, and some people do on mumsnet, there really isn't a right time, you will always find a reason not to, I have been scratching my head, rearranging finances to try and make this work and everyone just tells me it works out in the end.

I'm not saying don't terminate, but I'm saying travelling doesn't have to stop, in fact they are free to travel upto a certain age! Careers don't stop, if you are good at what you do an employer will want you, and if you may not get pregnant again you really need to be 100% sure of your choice first.

Do you think you have ptsd from the ectopic pregnancy? Are you trying to protect yourself from the potential pain of losing another baby when it's out of your control? I don't agree with others who say maybe you don't ever want a baby... you sound traumatised and overwhelmed. I would seriously consider talking to a counsellor before making such a big decision to terminate the pregnancy.

For what it's worth I think having a baby will totally change your perspective of what you want in life. The joy of a newborn is one of the greatest moments in life. Also I have sadly had to terminate a pregnancy for medical reasons and it took me years to forgive myself, even though it was necessary and the baby would not have survived. Don't underestimate how this decision could make you feel in the future. Of course it is your choice, but just make sure you are certain it's the right choice for you.

Do you want to have a child ever?

When you previously discussed having a child, what did you think you wanted? Obviously, you can change your mind, but is this "cold feet" or something else? To be honest, I had my DD at 31 and felt I wasn't "ready" - hadn't been to a couple of places I really wanted to go to, missed being carefree and it took me a while to adapt to my new life, but I did know that this was the best age to have a child, nothing was guaranteed and I did eventually want to have children, so I buckled down and rode it out and am very happy with my lot now. I love being a mum. Life isn't over, btw - we still have nice holidays (or did pre Covid) and we can lie in alternate mornings etc, it's just that spontaneity with very young kids is harder.

Re your job, I do understand that it feels pretty insecure. Have you thought about when you would want to return to work? 6-9 months out really wouldn't be that much of a gap on the CV, tbh.

BUT it is your body and your life - don't have a baby if you don't want one, just don't think that you can have one whenever you like

You're sad that this has happened knowing the difficulties you face in conceiving.

You're considering a termination knowing you might never have the opportunity of children again

These two things alone point to you being happy not having children at all. This is absolutely fine and I really think it should be less taboo for women who don't want children to feel that way and speak about it.

However, I do think you need to have a conversation with your husband about you not wanting children. He needs time to process what that means for him - staying with you and enjoying the life you have without children or needing to move on if he sees a life with children.

The bit that stuck with me is where you say that you just want to enjoy married life - will you be able to enjoy married life if you do abort? Are you sure your relationship with your husband will be the same if he feels betrayed by the decision? It's absolutely your choice, but sometimes in life events occur that mean that things just won't be the same as they were before, whatever we choose, and this feels like it could be one of those situations for you.

I had an ectopic pregnancy & also lost my tube. However, I was told by the consultant that this only decreases your chances of fertility by a tiny percent & it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. Is there a chance you may have been given the wrong information with this?

I understand you feel you’re stuck between a rock & a hard place but you’re life doesn’t have to end because you have a family. I gave birth to a baby boy in September & if there’s one thing I’ve taken from this year is that travel & jobs are never certain (especially when a pandemic hits 😂) but I’ll always be a mummy.

Sorry that should say “your life” before the grammar police get me

I was in the same position as you in regards to my career and the "right time" to have kids. The career path I have taken involves a lot of short term contracts with the hope of eventually getting a permanent job. I decided I didn't want to have kids until I had the permanent job because it would be more stability for us as a family and I felt easier for me career wise.

I had just finished a short term contract, was unemployed and realised there is no "right time". I'm fortunate my partner has a good job, so we had a reasonable income. As it turned out I fell pregnant while unemployed and never managed to get a job until my son was 6 months old.

Which all worked out perfectly for me. I am currently pregnant again and my current contract will have just ended when the babies are due. We are looking at shared parental leave and according to the calculator we are eligible, so my partner can take time off work for childcare.

www.gov.uk/pay-leave-for-parents

Might be useful for you. However, as other posters have said, I think you need to have a think about whether you actually want children or not. Would you be okay to never be a mum? It would be a shame to be forced into it. I also wouldn't worry too much about the fertility issue. Yes it might mean if you change your mind you might never be able to have kids, but I think it might be wrong to decide to have a child now (that you are not sure you want) due to a hypothetical scenario.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide. It isn't easy.

You're only 30 - which in my opinion is still young (I'm pregnant with my first ten years on from you!). It sounds like you're really not sure about having the baby. When I think about my 30 year old friends, some are ready and some are certainly not! I wasn't, at 30.
It's surprising that you've conceived and also that you've let the pregnancy get this far without making a choice: make sure you use birth control going forward so you don't get in this situation again before you are ready! Not judging, but rather, it is a painful thing to go through.

I think you need to talk to your husband and get to the bottom of what he really thinks: can you get on with your lives, still in love and happy for another five years if you make this choice? If so, your answer is there. Or, are you prepared to do this for him, even though you're not ready? (Because to echo what others say, the "right" time rarely comes, and usually whatever time it is becomes the right one!).

I really liked what @Lostinlife89 said about him taking on the majority of the childcare. More and more, companies are allowing the same rights for male parents, and it's pretty cool! My cousin and his wife - in Finland - went the route of him being the carer because HE was the one who really wanted a baby. Even now that the child is older, the mother is jet setting around the world often for work. You CAN make that work. This is modern life: if he wants the baby so much, perhaps he can do this?

Are you sure your marriage is what you want? Or do you want another life? These are big questions and there's no right answer. Good luck in finding your truth.

xx

Sorry, you are @Lostinlife89 - I meant @RMarieClaire - about the childcare

If once you have travelled for 18 months and decide you want to start a family if you no longer can how will you feel? Is 18 months of pleasure worth a lifetime of potential regret?
Also, how will your marriage be affected by this? Will you both be able to get through this and travel happily together anyway?

It's all for you to consider and very personal, only you know truly what you want from the rest of your life. I personally couldn't go through with it though and I am someone who loves to travel.