Am I a Bad Mum Already?

[daisynova]

Hi everyone,

I am now 17 weeks pregnant and I am hating every minute of being pregnant. I have suffered with severe morning sickness, high blood pressure and now I am suffering with migraines. To top it all off I have type 1 diabetes that is difficult to manage at the best of time.

People (mainly women with more than one child) just seem to laugh at me when I say that I am not enjoying it and they get annoyed with me when I explain that I am hating being pregnant.

The pregnancy was planned - just the illnesses were not. I really wish I was one of these women who have a hassle free pregnancy but it seems that I am destined to have a really horrible time.

Am I being a bad Mum for feeling like this? It's really getting me down now.

daisynova, believe me you're not alone. I'm 16 wks pg with my second and also hating every minute of it - having terrible migraines and exhausted all the time. The baby is very much wanted but the pregnancy I could really do without.

You're not a bad mum at all and you may well find that you feel better as time goes on and when you start feeling the baby move - that's what I'm counting on, anyway.

Hey, don't put yourself down. When I was pregnant with my dd (5) I was really ill, uncomfortable, fed up, depressed, worried. I had smorning sickness for 26 weeks after that I had carpel tunnel syndrome, barely slept a wink the whole time and my self esteem dropped with every new stretch mark and to be honest the first 6 weeks after she was born were really hard too - bloody hormones. Oh yeah I had a traumatic birth too. But she is 5 now and I am pregnant again - it took me that long to get over it. This pregnancy is entirely different (its a boy so maybe that's why?) It is a few months of hell for a lifetime of happinesss a child can give. Knowing what I know now I would have gone through that pain twice over to get the princess I have now.

Thanks girls - I am hoping that it will all start to get better soon - the hospital keeps saying it will but it doesn't feel like that.

I just want a few days together where I feel like me again.

I am enjoying watching my bump get bigger and looking forward to the first kick but I honestly just want the baby out now. I'm a miserable mummy-to-be x

You are not a bad mum, you are having a very stressful pregnancy. Hang on in there, it might well get better.

Well done for coming on here and talking about your experiences instead, we will be understanding and sympathetic! Am cross for you that your rl friends aren't being nicer to you.

Hi daisy you are def not a bad mum at all! I didnt enjoy being pregnant at the time, and i didnt have that bad a time of it really just really tired and sick and worried constantly!
In a few months time you will have forgotten all the bad parts and you will be enjoying your new little bundle. dont worry about enjoying it! I personnally dont think anyone really enjoys it at the time! i now look back on my pregnancy quite fondly really and would def dfo it all again! it was 15 months ago now though
try to relax and just remember it wont last forever and you are putting yourself through it for the most wonderful reason x

like they say....no pain no gain.

I had my DS 8 years ago and am 8 years older now and boy is it harder in your mid thirties than in your mid twentie.

I am 14 weeks and looking at baby catalogues has started to give me some positve feelings.

Retail Retail

Blimey, what's not to enjoy about that lot?! No wonder you are not enjoying it, I don't think anyone would.

I think the first half is the hardest in many ways. There is all the stress of the first trimester, not to mention the sickness. You can feel bloody awful but get very little sympathy until you have a big bump (and sometimes not even then!!)

It will start to feel better when you get some good kicks and when things speed up towards the end, i.e. more appointments, getting stuff for the baby and generally feeling more like you are going to meet your baby and not just feel ill for months on end.

Really hope things improve for you soon.

Sorry, first line should have said, what's to enjoy?!!

Am pregnant with number two and am hating it just as much as i did with number one if not more actually. I've had the severe morning sickness too and it's just awful. Some days I wish 'd never gotten pregnant.

Your not alone and you're not a bad person, who enjoys feeling ill? Just take it a day at a time and do as little as possible.

And don't forget to keep yourself healthy by doing some exercise to get the endorphins swimming round yur system and get plenty of vitamins and calcium. Oh and don't forget to smother yourself in cocoa butter or bio oil.
This is your pregnancy no one elses

Bugger the exercise, you rest and take care of yourself. You are not a bad mother at all. I had a long discussion yesterday with my midwife about ending the pregnancy 'cos the morning sickness is so bad. She admitted she felt exactly the same with her third.

I reckon if women were honest they would fall 50/50 into camps of enjoy pregnancy/don't enjoy pregnancy. I think if you fall into the second you just need to make the best of it and remember it is not forever and try to distract yourself. I find that the supplements that I get from my naturopath help a lot with the symptoms and maybe even my state of mind. Maybe if you gave some alternative therapies a try you would get through a little easier e.g., reflexology, massage, acupuncture, meditation, yoga etc. There is enough to feel guilty about once you're a mum, without starting even before baby is here .

I'm so glad that I am not the only one - seems to me that some people I have met are happy to just make me feel bad. My poor Mum has been an absolute star and my poor husband is worried sick about me.

I can't wait to have the baby here and I am aware no pain, no gain - god that's what labour is all about

I just didn't realise that pregnancy would be so hard going

God you are not a bad mother. I hated being pg, couldn't sleep, felt like I had a constant hangover for 12 weeks, felt depressed, fretted about life changing and generally was ambivalent about having a baby (despite it being planned and expecting to love being pg) and on top of all that felt guilty at feeling all those things!

The problem is no-one really talks about the negative parts, you'll probably find that even those who profess to have enjoyed being pg really didn't but it is a taboo subject. In fact if you search the archive under my name you will probably find similar "i hate being pg" posts.

And like empen said the first 6 weeks after they are born aren't a barrel of laughs either. Not to scare you, just to prepare you, and again it's ok to feel like that.

Ooh I hated the smug people who laughed at stuff when I was pg. I wouldn't with it when it was born. Suffice to say she hit a raw nerve and made me cry. And now I have a 4 month old I know it is a load of bollocks. Ignore them and please don't beat yourself up about this.

Hang in there daisynova! I love having a bump, and it's really rewarding now the baby is kicking and the nursery is taking shape (I'm 30 weeks). But do I like all the ailments which go with pregnancy? You'd have to be bonkers to embrace those! So on balance, I really hate being pregnant and can't wait for it to be over. There- I know we're not meant to say that, but that's how I feel! top tip would be just to take each week at a time, or if that's too difficult, just each day at a time. And don't beat yourself up about it.

30 weeks tomorrow, also hate being pg! How nice to say it 'out loud'!!!

love feeling him kick and everything, not so keen on being fat, tearful, and feeling like utter shite.

There are lots of us feeling the same way, its only guilt and other people's reactions that keep us quiet! xx

oh and scared and knackered and generally unwell. forgot those plus points!!

This is so nice to know that we are not alone.

I have just spoken with a friend who is a midwife and she told me off for feeling so bad for hating being pregnant. She said that lots of women hate being pregnant and always feel guilty about feeling that way. She says we have a right to say that we hate the crapness that comes with being pregnant.

I'm sticking with that.

Have been thinking about this and just want to add that we set ourselves up if we think that being a mum somehow transforms us into a mythical being that is endlessly patient, doesn't need much sleep or any time for ourselves and just generally is happy with whatever is happening, no matter how hard it is to deal with.

No-one is supposed to enjoy feeling ill. It has nothing to do with whether you will love your children or not.

beansprout (26 weeks and feeling tired, hormonal and just plain fat)

Oh goodness, I've had totally trouble-free pregnancies (so far.... I'm halfway through pregnancy number 2) and I hate being pregnant. So I can't even imagine how horrid it must be with all those extra problems to deal with too. People can make you feel like you're saying you don't want or love your baby if you grumble about being pregnant, and of course you get the "just be grateful there are lots of women who would love to be pregnant like you" brigade. Utter bollocks!!!! It can be really hard and traumatic and downright yukky to be pregnant! Of course you're not a bad mum to think the way you do!! What makes you a good mum is putting up with it all for your little one's sake.

I'll take it a step further and say that not only do I not like being pregnant, I'm not very keen on newborns either! The first few months with DD were very hard emotionally. You expect to love this new baby all unconditionally and with all your heart, but I found it was a bit conditional. It was really hard for me to put all this love and care and time and effort into this baby, with feeding, not sleeping, changing nappies, being puked on etc etc, and getting nothing back but more poo and puke! Kinda soul-destroying. Not that I didn't love her, but I really needed something back from her too. Now she's 2 and the most amazing, incredible, beautiful small person who I couldn't love more if I tried!! But while I loved her when she was tiny, I didn't fall in love with her until she began to be real person (sorry if that's a terrible cliche).

We can't help our feeling, it's what we do with them that makes us a good or a bad mum. Denying your feeling won't help either, as long as through everything, you keep what's best for your baby first and foremost in your mind.

Sorry for the endless ramble!!

DerahCula - thanks for that honey. I find it interesting that you don't like being pregnant even though it has been trouble-free so far. I don't feel as much as a failure now!

I think that I have also been feeling very down as I am far from family & friends and the only person I have here is my husband and one friend. I am looking forward to the first thumps from the baby in the next few weeks and hope that the sickness will subside soon.

xxx

Hi Daisy. Aren't you on my ante-natal board? Don't worry about being alone. I don't have many friends and my mum is the only real family I have in the UK, and she's an hour away. But that's what's so great about these forums, you can find lots of people to talk to in the same situation as you.

Glad my post helped - I thought it had completely killed the thread and was sorry I posted!

We get pregnant because we want a child, not because we want to be pregnant!! So there are no laws to say we have to enjoy it!

Hi Derah - I go onto both March and April ante-natal boards as I am getting induced in March but baby is due 2nd April.

I liked what you said at the end - you are right, there are no laws saying we have to enjoy pregnancy - I am going to print that out and put it on my fridge so it reminds me every day!

I feel just like you Daisy. I wanted to get pregnant and had awful ms from week 6. That tailed off (although didn't stop) at wekk 13 ish and now I have indigestion. I'm not enjoying being pregnant at all. I'm nearly 15 weeks now and hoping I'll start to feel better too but they were plenty of days when I wished I hadn't got pregnant.

No you're not a bad mum at all. I don't enjoy being pg at all, even though I recognise just how lucky I am to be pg (took 8 years to conceive ds1).

I casually mentioned to MIL yesterday that I didn't really enjoy being pg (feeling crap, uncomfortable, unfit etc) and got my head bitten off ('in my day we just got on with it', 'we didnt make such a fuss', 'sil never made this fuss' comments ).

Dh got his head bitten off the other day when he looked in one of those pregnancy manuals and said 'aren't you supposed to be blooming now'.