I dont know how to get out of this mess

[Confused82x]

Hi ladies, I know I probably won't be very popular when you read this but im so scared right now I dont know how to get out of this mess I've created, im going to try to explain the best I can, here goes. So I'm 22 weeks pregnant and I've been in a relationship for 4 years, baby is not this mans child, its not been a very good relationship and I've tried to leave i was even in a woman's refuge for 6 months, he can get very angry very quickly, so I've also go 2 other children a son who's 16 and a daughter 13, I was with their dad for 10 years, back in the summer, the man I've been with for 4 years and i were going through a real bad patch and I really did think that was the end for us, I even got him to move back to his own place, but one night after having a huge row with this man I stayed over my children's dads house and we had sex 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, In that 2 weeks the man who im with and I got back on track he was just so persuasive and I felt bad for him, I didnt expect that I'd be pregnant, now I want this child so much but this man will absolutely go mental if he finds out and I dont know how to get out of this relationship and I want out so bad but im so scared and the longer it goes on the more likely he is to find out, I just don't know what to do, I feel so ashamed that I've done this, i've never cheated on him before or after and I dont really have anyone I can talk to because I'm so embarrassed my family dont like this man but they love my ex so I know what they're all gonna say. im just so weak why can't I just leave this man? I know there's no real future for us. I hope ive explained well enough and I know im probably going to be judged i just dont know where else to turn so I've created an account on here just to get some advice really please help

You've managed to make him leave before, so you can do it again. Did he leave last time due to a row? Could you do that again? Tell him you need space. Then once he’s gone change all the locks. Gets someone to take all his stuff to him. Contact women’s aid and ask for advice. Wild your children’s father support you? Does he know the baby is his?

You can do this. And by the sound of it you really need to do it.
I think your current boyfriend will have to know that the baby is not his though, regardless if you stay or go, as he will want to get involved otherwise.
So i think you need to first break up and have him move out and then have a talk to let him know this isn't his child and you don't wish him to be around. You don't need to say who the father is. If he is abusive or a bit too pushy you can always get police involved. He doesn't have the right to contact you if you don't wish to be contacted. This is your right.
It sounds like a tough situation and you are certainly responsible but feeling bad now won't help and you can get out of it now if you really want to. Don't wait any longer...

Yes my children's dad knows the baby is his and will support me 100% he'sreally happy about the pregnancy especiallybecause we both thought we'd never have anymore children, my children don't like this man im with so he goes back to his own place when my children are home they share their time between their dad an I, I know this man will never leave quietly or calmly, but I know I have to do something now. My ex and my children want us to have Christmas together but I cant help feeling so bad that I cheated and got pregnant, and this other man has no friends just a small family, I know I shouldn't feel bad for him because he's done some awful things to me, I always thought I was alot stronger than I've proved myself to be over the last few months im so scared to leave him. Thank you so much for not judging me it means alot x

Can you not just change the locks when this other guy is at his own place? Then just text him to tell him to stay away? Get the kids dad to stay with you for a few days or stay with him until he calms down?
Hope you're ok though sweetheart. X

Another bad thing I've done is hide this pregnancy from my current boyfriend he has no idea and i'm really starting to show now but just keep making excuses not to get close, I do feel guilty so much, I get away with antenatal appointments by telling him im taking may dad to the hospital for a check up as he's recovering from a stroke, thats not untrue just the appointment part, I know I have to leave its just doing it thats difficult and with Christmas less than 2 weeks away. I know I have to deal with this he just scares me and thats whats hard. I have created this mess i know that and it weighs so heavy on me, like I owe him or something, but I also know I have to deal with this mess like yesterday, thanks so much x

Get rid ASAP. So much easier said than done and I imagine you feel scared, but your happiness and mental health matter so when you feel safe/able to cut him out.

Tell your ex and all those around you how unsafe this man is so they can help you. If you feel safer having someone there when you split do it, keep this man well away from you and your family.

Yes you cheated but honestly if he’s been awful enough to you for you to be in a women’s refuge for 6 months then I really don’t think you should feel any guilt.

Please don’t feel pity for this man either, he’s treated you appallingly by the sounds of things and you are not responsible for his happiness.

I really wish you the best of luck xx

Hi hun, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like a really tough situation. You’ve said thus far you’ve managed to hide the pregnancy from him, so I’m assuming he doesn’t know anything about it at al, which is a good thing. I would act now, tell him you don’t want to be with him any longer and ask him to leave. Do you have someone who can be there with you when you do this?! Maybe someone who can stay with you for a few days or you can stay at theirs? Send the kids to their dads until you manage to get this man out of your house. I would probably go spend Christmas with family or at your exes with the kids. It sounds like your ex is really supportive and wants this baby.

I hope you figure this out soon and manage to put this horrible man behind you and move on.
Also stop beating yourself up. You essentially ended the relationship and thought that was it done for good. Just look after yourself, baby and your kids. You know what you need to do. 💕

Thats the thing I dont even need to change the locks he's hidden my keys at his place but I know where they are, he doesn't know I know where he's hidden them, ive just been to scared to take them, I will though tomorrow, I just know I have to sort this mess out now, he keeps saying he wants to meet up with my kids so they can reconcile so we can have Christmas together but I know my children definitely wouldn't be up for that especially my son, I dont want that anyway as I know this relationship has to end, thank you so much for your reply it means alot xx

Thank you so much for that, you don't know how much it means to me i'm sitting here reading all these reponses and im crying my eyes out right now, dont know why I didn't join here earlier, I do have a good family and my ex is amazing support but they don't really know the full truth of how this man can be, when we split up in the summer they thought that was the end of it, they know we still talk but dont know that we still see eachother like 3/4 times a week, he just turns up at mine no warning or I'll go over to his, stupid I know, we don't even sleep together, he's up gaming till all hours, I just think he doesn't like being without me and not having that control, I can stay with anyone of my family (I wouldn't want to stay at the children's dad house right now just incase he finds out and brings trouble) and if they found out half of it there'd be hell to pay. I just dont like to be the cause of their worry, but you ladies on here have given me the strength I know what I have to do and I now I need to do it now. xxx

Your reply means so much to me you ladies have definitely given me the strength I need, I needed to hear these thing now I just have to act I will keep you updated on the out come, I will probably have to get the police involved even if its just an injunction order. Thanks you so so much for this 💗

Does your baby’s father know you have hid the Pregnacy OP? You must be carrying really small for your current partner not to have noticed already.

You need to dump your current BF ASAP! Can you get your baby’s father to come and stay with you for a while? In case anything happens?

@Confused82x good on you, go for it girl, yes please keep us all updated

You can absolutely do this OP! Tell your family and ex partner what has been going on. Tell them the whole story. Stop feeling guilty. Those feelings aren’t doing anything to help you, and right now you need help, not beating yourself up. Tell your family, ask for help, take your keys back from parters house and then tell him it’s over and you don’t want to see him again. Tell all your family and your ex that you’re doing it so they know to check in on you. Maybe someone could stay with you? And definitely call the police if he kicks off and tries to come into your home.

and this other man has no friends just a small family,

You really don't need to feel sorry for him- you need to put your baby first.

And I've no idea about why you feel bad about hiding the pregnancy fein him- it's none of his damn business as it's not his baby. This is a lot simpler than you think it is- he's messing with your mind so you can't see clearly that you actually have everything in place not to be with him anymore.

Yes baby's father knows ive hid the pregnancy, I was carrying quite small until this last couple of weeks and now im really starting to show im getting away with it atm by wearing baggy tops but that's not going to last much longer, babies dad have said im more than welcome to stay with him but he only lives 5 mins away from me so I might go and stay with my auntie for a few days, I think maybe its best if I stay somewhere that he doesn't know where I am. Thanks for the reply x

I will defo keep you all updated, honestly you've all helped me so much today thank you xxx

You are so right thanks so much, I can feel the strength rising in me I just gotto make sure it stays there now, I know I have to do this I just needed to hear these things from someone else. I do feel bad and guilty but as you said that is not helping anymore, I just hate being so scared all the time, I used to be strong I dont know whats happened, ive become so weak. I have to do this 💗

Thanks so much yes you are right it prob is easier than what it seems to me, I need to go and not look back, I dont love this man but I do feel bad on him and I dont even know why with everything he's done to me. I will get through this and I will keep you all updated xx

I just want to thank all you ladies you've been so much support for me today you've helped in ways you don't even know, dont know why I didn't come on here before, I will keep you all updated and I've decided tomorrow is the day im leaving this messed up situation ❤❤

I used to be strong I dont know whats happened, ive become so weak. I have to do this 💗

You’re still that strong woman, but fear is very powerful. You’re going to see in a few week that your strength was there all along. You’ll be so proud of yourself and so glad you got away. Honestly. There are only good things to come of this. For you and your children.

I wouldn't tell him anything whilst you're on your own. If I were you I would go away so where for a while if you can. He sounds very scary and unpredictable. Take care

Could you tell him that you and your ex have decided to give it another go for the children, starting with having Christmas together? He doesn’t have any come back then.

I’m a bit of a coward, so I’d likely do it not face to face seeing with how volatile he sounds. Wait for him to go to his place, text him and tell him, and tell him the police are aware so will attend your property if he turns up. Then as you say, you can stay with your Aunt where he doesn’t know where you are.

Be selfish, you don’t want him to realise you are pregnant or things could get very nasty

Thank for your replies ladies, I've left him, I did it this morning while he was sleeping, I took my keys and sent him a text saying its over for good, I feel absolutely rubbish over the way I just left like that but there really was no other way, im so scared about whats going to happen when he wakes up and sees I've gone and reads that text I dont know what he's going to do, this has been so hard, but I know I cant stay with someone just because I don't want to hurt them especially someone like him. Im definitely not as strong as I used to be, xx

@Confused82x are you able to be be with others today, in a safe place that he won't know where you are? Well done it takes a lot of courage, you did things the right way given what you've said about his behaviour.

It's not a mess it's really simple

1. Get rid of horrible boyfriend everyone hate who treats you badly

1. Spend Xmas with father if your kids who wants to support you