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Original poster

MIL keep insisting on a "gender neutral" room

76 replies

Unanaganaive · 11/12/2020 12:19

I am going to find out the sex of my baby in a week. DH has 2 kids already. His parents started offering me "color neutral" clothes. Though I already told them I wanted something useful.

I really want a pink or blue themed room for baby , but I started getting bad comebacks from inlaws. Dh told them about our plan for the blue or pink themed room. Mil texted me " Baby may changed gender..." or " pink is so sexist you are going to make your daughter weak"... " DS kids had gender neutral clothes and toys.... " I won't buy anything pink".

It's only the pink or girly items she criticises. She has nothing to say about if it was a boy.

Now I feel worried. What do you think ?

OP posts:

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Helenknowsbest · 11/12/2020 16:21

You do what you want. Its your baby and your decision to dress them in pink or do the room pink. I'm not into the whole frilly princess thing either but I've bought my daughter a mixture of pinks and other colours. My advice would be don't tell them, my parent in laws wouldn't really get involved like that.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 11/12/2020 16:22

The video linked about is very one-sided.

I have one of each. I did buy dolls for my daughter and trucks for my son. But both of them also had lots of educational and developmental toys, there were never limited to just boys. And my son played with his sister's dolls when he wanted.

I really don't see a problem with "stereotyping toys". The problem begins much later. In school, it's the girls who do better than boys, including in STEM subjects (however they are taught at the primary level). Regardless of all the pink and dollies in their childhood. It is in secondary when schools - not nurseries with toddlers - might begin to believe that boys are "better in maths" and girls are "suited to caring professions". That's what needs targeting.

anotherboyontheway · 11/12/2020 16:28

It's your baby and your decision. I'm expecting my second baby boy and he's got mainly blue clothing/blankets and is going to have a car themed nursery! I can't stand all this "the baby will chose its gender so dress it in yellow and have green walls"🙄 raise your beautiful baby however you like... someone will always have an opinion xx

WillingWarlock · 11/12/2020 16:33

I don't see the harm in pink for girls/blue for boys. As long as you don't force it on them when they're old enough to show a preference.

By which time they have learned that pink is a girl's colour and blue is a boy's colour, so if they are a girl and prefer blue perhaps they are not being a proper girl.

Jinglebells87 · 11/12/2020 17:13

I had a pink room for my DD and turquoise room for my DS. I'm now having my third baby (sex is still unknown at the moment) and I've already decided the nursery is going to be grey this time. Not because I'm trying to be "gender neutral" but just because I bloody well like the colour. Do whatever the hell you like is what I say! In real life no one really gives a crap what colour you paint it! And guess what, if the baby comes out the opposite sex to what you were expecting, just RE PAINT the room. Sorry, that isn't a rant aimed at the OP just at all the others who feel she shouldn't do what she wants!

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 17:15

Just don't engage. Is she says you'll make her weak, tell her pink walls never made anyone weak. If she says she's only buying fever neuronal clothes say ok, thanks. Don't bite

reginafelangee · 11/12/2020 17:19

But why pink or blue OP?
There are so many wonderful colours to chose from.

Completely agree with this. And might nicer colours too.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/12/2020 17:20

@MandalaYogaTapestry I used to volunteer in a Primary School, a number of the boys were already saying boys were better than maths than the girls. Used to also hear parents say from very early on that writing wasn't really for boys. Stereotyping starts from very early on.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 17:24

@reginafelangee

*But why pink or blue OP? There are so many wonderful colours to chose from.*

Completely agree with this. And might nicer colours too.

But pink is also a nice colour (im currently wearing it) and so is blue. It isn't inferior because it has strong sex associations. It's still another colour.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 11/12/2020 17:32

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@MandalaYogaTapestry I used to volunteer in a Primary School, a number of the boys were already saying boys were better than maths than the girls. Used to also hear parents say from very early on that writing wasn't really for boys. Stereotyping starts from very early on.[/quote]
I don't think the boys got this idea from having blue bedrooms.

It's just a colour.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 11/12/2020 17:52

@WillingWarlock

I don't see the harm in pink for girls/blue for boys. As long as you don't force it on them when they're old enough to show a preference.

By which time they have learned that pink is a girl's colour and blue is a boy's colour, so if they are a girl and prefer blue perhaps they are not being a proper girl.

This made me smile.

I dressed my baby daughter in non-pink clothes because I hated the whole "little princess" idea. But gradually it grew on me and she had lots of dresses and cute clothes growing up into a toddler and then a pre-schooler. At that age she refused to wear anything apart from skirts and dresses as "she won't be a princess anymore". Didn't prevent her from doing well in school, competing in sport and getting a place in a highly academically selective senior school.

Now at 13 she wears black joggers, hoodies and asked for DMs for Christmas. Nothing pink in sight.

Alas, don't see any problem with frills in toddlerhood. And what I found in schools is that girls' parents are just as pushy in terms of academic achievements and opportunities for their daughters as boys' ones!

borntobequiet · 11/12/2020 17:55

Tell her she can decorate her own room in whatever colour she fancies.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/12/2020 18:27

But @MandalaYogaTapestry you were saying you don't see a problem with stereotyping toys and that it is only in Secondary school that it becomes a problem, and I was highlighting that it starts from very early on and is heavily influenced by parents, so if parents start off with blue and pink, it is possible that they will be parents that do influence gender stereotypes.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 11/12/2020 18:42

@ineedaholidaynow

But *@MandalaYogaTapestry* you were saying you don't see a problem with stereotyping toys and that it is only in Secondary school that it becomes a problem, and I was highlighting that it starts from very early on and is heavily influenced by parents, so if parents start off with blue and pink, it is possible that they will be parents that do influence gender stereotypes.

Yes, I understood what you meant. I was saying that my experience with schools, as a parent talking with many other parents, is very different. In fact, I don't remember when I last heard a notion that boys are better in maths.

Either way, it has nothing to do with toys. Dolls may be "girls' toys" and trucks may be "boys' toys". But surely all sorts of puzzles, pyramids, lego (and whatever other plastic cube things showed in that video are called - don't remember, it was a long time ago for me!) - those are gender neutral. They are developmental toys and as far as I remember milestones are not set by sex. And actually what I do remember hearing is that "boys develop later than girls".

So again, nothing to do with the pink and dollies.

FancySomeChips · 11/12/2020 18:44

Paint it pink. Even if it’s a boy.

Woeismethischristmas · 11/12/2020 18:51

I had a neutral room. As soon as they were oldenough to choose my twins gravitated to pink, frilly and as many dollies as they could lug around at playgroup. All my lovely gender neutral wooden toys and they want plastic Disney dolls. It's fine to choose a colour scheme but once they can choose support them to do so.

MindyStClaire · 11/12/2020 19:36

I agree with your MIL (my young DDs have blue and green bedrooms, we didn't find out the sex either time), and I think both male and female gender stereotypes have harmful aspects to them.

But it's your house and your MIL doesn't get a vote on your decor.

I do know a woman who went into hospital to have her baby boy and came home with a daughter, so I wouldn't choose anything you wouldn't be happy with for either sex.

Standrewsschool · 11/12/2020 20:06

Your house, your decesion.

Don’t let your mil dictate your decor tastes. Are you going to let her dictate how you bring dc up?

Don’t be worried. This is your baby. No doubt you have had an idea about how you want to decorated your nursery and don’t let mil shatter your dreams.

HarryHarryHarry · 11/12/2020 20:14

I have a boy and a girl and while I try to avoid forcing gender stereotypes on them I don’t actively avoid pink. I feel like that is teaching them that things made “for girls” are inferior. If my girl does happen to be into “girly” things I want her to know that that’s just as valid as anything else.

Gardeniaofdelights · 11/12/2020 22:13

I personally hate heavily gendered rooms / clothes etc for babies, but your baby means your rules! Do what you like. But do try to keep your gender stereotyping to clothes and not to the way you expect your baby to behave etc

Scottishskifun · 11/12/2020 22:22

I don't see the need to paint walls a stereotypical colour based on if your having a boy or a girl! I'm with your mil no need to constantly have a gender based colour on everything!
Be imaginative and you can also get fab movable Wall stickers in most things if you want to make a room more girly etc.

My sons room has beach hut wallpaper on part and fish/seabirds/light house stickers on the other. Best part is the wallpaper keeps him entertained if he wakes up early in his cot as he likes to spot things! (he's under 2)

AliceMck · 11/12/2020 22:32

Tell her to fuck off, your child, your home, your choice. If she tells you she won’t be buying anything pink say that’s fine, I’m the one dressing her so your clothes won’t be going on her!

I have 3 DDs, 2 of them are in a room that looks like it had a pink bomb go off in it. It was my other DDs choice when she was in the room, but as girls they love it. None of my DDs are week. As they get older they change, you can change the room with them.

Also my very pink, frilly make up loving girls also love spy’s, ninjas, superhero’s, football, boxing, archery, climbing, getting muddy....

Dose she have a problem with girls, given it’s only girls things she has a problem with.

PFin · 11/12/2020 22:45

Tell MIL politely to go F herself! She doesnt like a pink room tough its your kid. She wants to buy you gender neutral stuff let her, return it, exchange it or... plain and simple dont use it. MIL's like this are the last thing you need in your life. Im all for a child being who they want to be and maybe in furture deciding they are trans but it shouldnt be forced on kids i feel its near causing un-needed confusion for kids who are happy with who they are.

bluebluezoo · 11/12/2020 22:51

Im all for a child being who they want to be and maybe in furture deciding they are trans but it shouldnt be forced on kids i feel its near causing un-needed confusion for kids who are happy with who they are

Or possibly the confusion about gender arises when kids have been told pink is for girls, blue for boys all their lives. Then they get older and realise they don’t like pink, and dolls, and other things girls are supposed to like. They like blue, and football, so maybe they question whether they’re a boy?

Imo it’s not lack of pink and blue that causes confusion and trans issues, it’s forcing the expectation that they follow gender stereotype. Strict gender rules means not following them means you aren’t that gender...

spacegirl86 · 11/12/2020 22:56

This annoys me so much. I love pink and sparkly and other "girly" things. I also studied physics at uni, love sci-fi and fantasy things and enjoy watching motorsport with my husband (shhh don't tell him). I had many girly things growing up, I've turned out fine. I even had a toy ironing set and it hasn't turned me into a domestic goddess (unfortunately ).

Once they have an opinion buy what they like, until then your baby, your rules. My daughter has a lot of pink and sparkly alongside other things with I just happened to like, some of which are from the boys section. She has dolls and trains and doctor's sets and cars and shopping trolleys. I think she will be fine too!

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