Anxiety over birth - seeking advice

[Shmerlock]

Hello! This is my first pregnancy and, whilst I am over the moon about conceiving, I am absolutely terrified of giving birth. Some back story might help here... I have suffered with anxiety most of my life, and have had therapy to help me manage it. It may sound strange, but I've had a fear of giving birth from quite a young age. I've always been almost embarrassed to admit it to anyone other than very close family. As a result it's taken me a very long time to even type this post!! But I really feel like reading other people's experiences will help.

I'm now 9 weeks in to my own pregnancy and already feeling consumed by anxiety relating to birth - even dreaming about it. My partner is extremely supportive which I'm so grateful for, but its worrying me how much my anxiety is affecting me already - and I'm scared as to what impact this could have on my baby.

I'm considering opting for an elective cesarean, whilst I know this isn't without it's own challenges I genuinely feel for my own mental health this is the better option for me.

My main question is - is it easy/relatively simple to request this? And any experiences any one else had had with similar anxiety would be massively helpful.

Thank you so much!

My sister-in-law recently had an elective c-section and there was no opposition to it. In the end, it was necessary for medical reasons, but she'd have had it nonetheless.

From the giving birth point of view, I was similar to you in that I had anxiety over the thought of giving birth. The reality was, when it happened, my body went into autopilot. It knew exactly what to do. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt. The contractions were painful, and I'd never had any friends or family tell me before that it was the contractions that hurt. The pushing, honestly, was absolutely fine. I genuinely did not hurt. There was a sting when the head came through but compared to the contractions, I didn't feel pain. I was too far on to have any pain relief, but from friends I know who have given birth with and without pain relief, they highly recommended an epidural. They explained that this took away the pain of the contractions and made birth a much more enjoyable experience for them.

There are plenty of options. Discuss them with your midwife and make the best choice for you ❤️

Thank you for such a lovely and kind response ❤. I know my hormones are making me a little weepier than normal, but this made me feel very much like I'm not alone!!

You can of course ask but the doctors have the right to refuse and therefore you'd have to change hospitals to one which would agree to it? Many hospitals these days don't offer elective c sections so be prepared to have to travel or go to a hospital which you wouldn't necessarily choose otherwise

I requested one and they left it right to the last minute - over 36 weeks I think and I had to go and see 2 psychiatrists to get it approved - I ended up having one anyway due to baby being breech

Whether you end up with a c-section or a vaginal birth, spending lots of time practicing hypnotherapy now can only stand you in good stead against your anxiety. I found just practicing each day incredibly relaxing, it gave me something to focus on that wasn't the birth as well.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I now have a 12 week old dd and to be honest, as time went on, I stopped feeling anxious about giving birth as it came closer and knew that it was going to happen and I felt ready. As a pp said, you just kind of know what to do and manage the pain regardless.

I ended up having a category 1 emergency c-section and it wasn't pleasant to say the least. I haemorrhaged and lost 50% of my blood. The post part I'm recovery is very challenging too. You are mainly left to your own devices on the post-natal ward, which means it's very hard to lift baby, even walk and you can't sit up to get out of bed. Then, you can't drive for a minimum of 6 weeks or lift more than the weight of your baby. My scar is still very sore and I can't lift much above my head without pain.

Please consider this very carefully as a c-section is major abdominal surgery. Of the 5 women in my NCT group, 3 of us had sections and we all agreed that we would have picked a vaginal birth hands down. The two who had a natural birth were showered within 2 hours, discharged the following day and able to move about easily after. Good luck with your pregnancy and what you decide is best for you .

In this case I think knowledge is the best thing to have. I used to be amazed that women got pregnant and willingly put themselves through labour. However, I ended up having to learn a lot about childbirth through my job and the more I learnt the less terrifying it seemed. I started to see it as more of a biological process that made sense and ‘worked’. I even became excited to see how my body coped with it.

I’ve since had two babies and can honestly say that giving birth those times has been amazing. I felt superhuman and in complete awe of the human body. Steer clear of the mainstream or dramatised birth (one born every minute...) and maybe even have a look at some midwifery textbooks or hippy material like Ina May Gaskin. Having knowledge doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily have a perfect birth experience, but if it means you approach labour without fear and doubting yourself then it’s a step in the right direction.

Agree with previous poster on the recovery.

My own experience with c section is also very much worst case - I had a c section with DD aged 32 - adhesions and scar tissue from the c section damaged my tubes and I was totally infertile by age 36. There is more to the story than that but going into more detail will just make your anxiety worse and I don't want to do that. But you should be aware that c sections are not the easy option and whether you have a c section or vaginal delivery there will always be risks involved.

If DD hadn't been breech, looking back now, no matter my anxiety about a vaginal birth I wouldn't choose a c section again

If you want to learn more about the biological process (and hypnobirthing at the same time) the positive birth company do an online course which is detailed and illuminating.

Knowledge is power. For some people, this can also relieve anxiety (but appreciate not all anxiety works the same way!!!!).

I'm not Gona lie the contractions took me by suprise, I didn't give them much thought before as I was quite concerned about pushing a baby out!! They hurt, but as a pp stated your body takes over and knows what to do! You just go with it. The pushing didn't hurt at all, just tiring, it just stings when the baby crowns. But I can tell you now I never felt more proud of myself in my life after I did it and was holding my baby.
You need to do whatever you feel the most comfortable with and if that's a csection then you ask for one.

Natural birth is amazing! Pregnant with DC3 & no fear here after going through it twice. I’d be pretty gutted & stressed on the other hand if I ended up having to have a C section. If you have any Qs about natural birth connected to your anxiety feel free to post here or PM me x

I think you really need to think about what exactly about a vaginal birth scares you. I think once you've identified that you might be able to reduce your anxiety. I would also recommend the positive birth company to see that a vaginal birth is what your body is designed to do and shouldn't be feared.

It's worth having a good chat with your midwife about your options and as others have suggested looking into things like hypnobirthing and a good antenatal class to help you prepare.

I've recently had an elective section for my second (previous instrumental delivery) and actually it's been much better than expected in terms of recovery. Slightly frustrating having to ask my OH to carry baskets of washing up stairs and not being able to drive but I've been getting out and about just fine. Mental health has been significantly better this time too though not sure if that's just been better prepped second time around.

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful comments - definitely going to give the positive birth company a look at. I really appreciate every single post and just hearing others experiences helps ❤

Hi! So glad to read your post, it almost feels as though I wrote it
I got my BFP about a week and a half ago. I am currently 5 weeks + 5 with my first
I still feel as though I am coming to terms with being pregnant as it happened a little quicker than Me and my OH was expecting but of course we are very happy. Like you, I have always been scared of childbirth too. A lot of my friends have had babies already and a few of them always say “I can just imagine how you’ll be when you’re pregnant!” as they know how much of a worrier I am and how squeamish I am. An elective c-section has also crossed my mind as well.
I posted a similar post to you last week and a lot of people recommended The Positive Birth Company which helps with fear / anxiety of birth. They offer a course and a book and I am going to give both a go. I want to try and educate myself on childbirth rather than shying away from it, I think it will help.
We are only a few weeks apart so would be great to chat to someone who has similar feelings as what I have at the moment x

Wow - this is like reading myself!! My friends and family are the same, I've had lots of the same comments as most are aware of how anxious I am. Happy to chat whenever and, like you, I'm definitely going to have a look at the Positive Birth Company! Thanks for reaching out, and congratulations! Xx

I second the Positive birth company course, even if you give it a try and see what you think. It seriously changed my way of thinking and I'm not one of these hippy types that I associate hypno birthing with. It actually made me excited for birth it was a weird feeling!!

@Shmerlock I think you have had some very negative stories here about c section too which I imagine isn't particularly helpful because even if you don't choose to go for an elective c section, you might have to have one. I was also very anxious, and used the positive birth company hypnobirthing resources which I found really empowering. They helped me to stay in the moment during the birth rather than worrying about what was coming next. Very often, the fear of what is coming next is much harder to cope with than what actually ends up happening so if you can stay focussed on what you are doing now it can help you feel in control.

I ended up deciding that, ideally, I wanted to have a water birth in a midwife led suite, but it wasn't to be. I ended up having to be induced via drip because my waters broke but I didn't go in to labour. I was in labour for about 30 hours on the drip- I had an epidural for 20 hours of this which I requested when I felt I couldn't cope with the contractions any more and we realised I still had a way to go. The epidural took literally every speck of pain away, and yet I could still move my legs and walk around. I was able to sleep, chat to my husband and joke around with the midwives! Unfortunately, at 9cm dilated we realised my little one was stuck and I ended up having to have an emergency c section. I was very scared, but the staff were excellent and the c section itself was incredibly calm and quick, and my baby boy was in my arms before I knew it! He was delivered at about 17:30, I was in recovery by 19:30, I was on my feet the next morning, and home by about 19:00 that evening. The first day or two at home were tough as I wasn't very mobile but by day three I could go for short walks and I felt that my recovery went very quickly after that. My scar healed really neatly, and whilst I still have some numbness in parts of the scar 6 months on, I feel that I have recovered well.

I made sure that I had a lot of knowledge going in which meant I felt that I was able to have informed discussions with the medical staff at each stage, which helped me to feel in control. It also made me feel less anxious to put my trust in the midwives and doctors, and trust that they would help me to make the best decisions (which they did).

That being said, if you do choose to go for an elective c section that is your choice too. You may have to be quite insistent, and they may make you speak to a counsellor to make sure it's what you want, but most places will allow it especially if you can demonstrate that you have done a lot of research and made an informed decision rather than just made a quick decision that you want a c section because you are scared.

Do what's best for both you and baby and don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. People love to tell pregnant women horror stories about birth and then wonder why people end up with anxiety!!! Good luck (and big congrats ☺️). PS enjoy the newborn cuddles when they arrive, they are the best!

@knockeduplockeddown thank you so much for your post. You've no idea how reassuring this is. I will absolutely be looking in to the Positive Birth Company - and I think I do need to do lots of research just so I'm aware of all my options going forward. I honestly cannot wait for baby cuddles!! We had a dating scan this week and saw our little bean for the first time - we are so excited to meet them! Take care

I would agree with the idea knowledge is power. I also think you have to filter a lot of what you read.

So, I'd recommend Ina Garten's books, they paint a lovely picture of how your body is designed to deliver. But I would also read some stories from people who didn't have the beautiful natural birth - I think the problem is, a lot of people are only exposed to the idea that if you just put enough effort into hypnobirthing you'll have a perfect pain-free labour, and then if that doesn't work out feel like they're failed. On the flip-side, some people are only exposed to the idea that it will be highly medicalised and things will go wrong and then afterwards are annoyed they were so stressed about it.

In my case, I found hypnobirthing and the tens machine good for getting through the early stages. Everything I didn't want happened - I had to have an induction, I had a bad reaction, had an epidural, instrumental delivery and 3rd degree tear. And all I can say is it was nowhere near as bad as I imagined: once I had the epidural I was happy, I had no difficulty recovering from the tear, I needed some postpartum physio but as someone who flinched having internal exams I had such worst-case scenarios in my head for what that experience would feel like, none of which were true.

I would consider getting as fit and healthy as you can - my friends who exercised through pregnancy, even just doing a lot of walking, had the easiest labours - maybe consider a doula to have someone you trust and who is able to advocate for you on hand (I didn't do this and my husband was great but just not really able to advocate the way I wanted him to at a point where I wasn't really in a position to do it myself) and read everything you can so you're making an informed decision.

Fear of childbirth is called tokophobia. It's not uncommon and you'll find useful resources by googling this :)

It is your right to a C-section if that is your preference. NICE guidelines back this up. The other options such as positive birth training, hypnotherapy and so on are all good options as well. Face the fear and see what your real options are as well as trying to pinpoint what exactly the anxiety is about - is it pain, unpredictability, things going wrong? Working that out can help you find the best solution.

Agree with others, most of my anxiety was around pushing but it wasn't that bad. Possibly worth considering exactly what you are afraid of/what makes you most anxious. Is it the uncertainty? Pain? Pushing? And yes, maybe learn more about the process. I honestly found anxiety around birth became less the closer to the end of pregnancy I got because I got to the point of "well baby has to come out one way or another!" It felt out of my hands and that made me a lot calmer.

Our perception of birth has been skewed by people bombarding us with scare stories, but I honestly didn't find birth that bad. Yes, it was painful at times, but manageable.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. My main recommendation would be to have a really good chat with your midwife. They might be able to reassure you, talk through your worries, and even refer you for counselling. This is a really common fear so I'm sure they've seen it before. Have you had your booking appointment yet? Does your NHS trust have a named midwife for each pregnancy, or do you see a different one every time?

I have felt similar to you, but to a lesser extent. I realised a lot of my fear came from my mother's opposition to any pain relief during childbirth (she had 4 babies, 2 induced by drip, 1 without a birth partner - and refused to have any pain relief!) So I was simultaneously bombarded by (1) horrifying stories from the world about how painful childbirth is, and (2) familial expectations that pain relief is unacceptable. I am starting to let go of (2) - mainly because I've had to take anti-emetics despite huge pressure not to from my mother. She means well...

I am 11 weeks now and strangely not that afraid of birth, because I know if the pain is too much I can access pain relief without feeling like a failure. If pain is your biggest fear, then how about asking for an epidural as early as possible? Or a C-section if that is what you prefer.

I hope things get easier for you and you can work through your anxiety. I expect that once the baby is born you will be so relieved and proud, so matter what happens

I would also recommend the positive birth company.
I have gone from afraid of birth before I got pregnant, to actually kind of looking forward to it now (30 wks)! I am kind of excited to do it, and really can't wait to meet my baby. Also kind of fed up with being pregnant!

Thank you for all your support and reassurance! I think my fear is the unknown - I have a huge fear of induction, tears and episiotomy (that word lives in my nightmares). I'm struggling to not get completely overwhelmed by the horror stories people tell, and I've unfortunately had a lot of friends/family in the past tell me in graphic detail all the things that went wrong in their own birth. These have combined over my life and left me with this absolute terror and aversion to anything relating to birth. I realise now I've spent a lot of my time in denial about it all, I find it very hard to read around the subject because I'm so afraid of it. But after all the posts here about the Positive Birth Company, I'm hoping that might help alter my mindset? I definitely need to have a good, long chat with my midwife. At the moment, a lot of my appointments have been very rushed due to the current Covid situation. I'm hoping once I'm in my 2nd trimester things may have calmed down and I can actually discuss with them more closely. In the mean time, I'm getting in touch with my GP to discuss my general anxiety.

Glad to hear you have a plan. Best of luck