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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Sharing my first pregnancy with my sister-in-laws second

43 replies

1sharpmother · 21/11/2020 06:54

Please don't take this the wrong way and I know I'm not a bad person for having feelings, but I just need advice from someone who isn't my mom or best friend.

I recently celebrated my 9 year wedding anniversary with my husband and after years of not being able to conceive we are finally having our first child. After being super excited for months and telling both sides of our family (which they were also excited for us) we come to find out that my brother-in-law's girlfriend, with whom he has already one child with is now having another. I know I should be super happy for them but at the same time, I was wanting this to be our moment.

We had waited so long to finally have a child of our own and now we have to share the "spotlight" with them. I previously had issues with her when they were pregnant with their first kid as she is 10 years younger than me and was just starting to date my brother-in-law and surprise got pregnant, giving my husband's parents their first grandchild. Something I'm sure I have animosity towards still.

I just want to know how I can come to terms with this and not be so angry about this. They are due one month after us, and while everyone else thinks this is amazing, I absolutely hate it. I just wanted this to be our special moment to be happy with our first child and now I am starting to feel depressed and angry that our child doesn't matter to my in-laws as much. We live about 3 hours away from them, while my brother-in-law and his girlfriend live in the apartment attached to my in-law's house.

Please be kind with your advice. Thank you, from a mom-to-be who is obviously dealing with hormones.

OP posts:

Silverstripe · 21/11/2020 07:16

I think it’s good that your recognise your hormones probably have a lot to do with how you’re feeling - they can make you feel all kinds of irrational things very strongly in pregnancy!

There is no reason for you to think that your child will mean any less to your in-laws just because your BIL and his girlfriend are also having a baby. There is enough love and excitement to go around, and happiness about one baby doesn’t take away from happiness about another.

I think you also need to consciously challenge your feelings of anger. Anger is a response to injustice, and no injustice has occurred here - nobody has done anything wrong to you. When you feel this way, stop the thought in its tracks and challenge it. Remind yourself that everybody has the right to get pregnant, that there is no such thing as a pregnancy spotlight, and that your family is capable of loving both of the babies the same as if there were just one. You can train yourself out of negative, harmful thoughts by identifying them and challenging them when they arise. It’s a tricky habit, but one that is well worth doing as you will be so much happier and it won’t risk compromising your relationships with your family.

Please be reassured that this doesn’t change anything for you and your pregnancy. My sister fell pregnant with her first baby about 6 weeks after I fell pregnant with mine, and I couldn’t have felt more loved and supported in that time. There wasn’t the slightest compromise in the warmth and excitement from my family. My sister then devastatingly lost her baby, and it has been so hard for us all (obviously her and her husband most of all) because we were all so thrilled. There are lots of positives to having two similarly aged babies in the family (cousins who may well be friends, someone to chat to about the experience, etc) if you look for them.

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/11/2020 07:24

I was going to respond and then read @Silverstripe and thought I couldn’t say anything better than what they have said 😊

Hardbackwriter · 21/11/2020 07:26

I mean this kindly, but I think you're seriously overestimating how consumed other people will be with your pregnancy - it really isn't going to be such a full-time pursuit for them that they can't possibly fit two in. They'll ask how you are sometimes, ask if you've thought of names/got a cot/etc, they can manage it for you both. Plus people normally pay a lot less attention to second pregnancies anyway. There will be plenty of spotlight to go around and you'll get more of it anyway!

I think a lot of this will also pass once you have your baby. My DB and his DP (at the time quite a new girlfriend) found out she was pregnant unexpectedly and just after I'd had my third miscarriage and I did find it very difficult, and I remember having some sadness over not having the first grandchild. As it happened, I fell pregnant with the one that stuck just after my nephew was born. It's lovely having cousins 10 months apart now and who is the 'first' couldn't matter less. Fertility problems are so hard and take so much out of you that I don't think it's surprising that it's left you with some issues but the stuff about 'your moment' or 'first grandchildren' just won't matter the way you think it will once your baby is here - they'll be loved as their own unique person by you and everyone else.

countdowner · 21/11/2020 07:31

I think @Silverstripe may have just given some of the best advice I've seen on here!

Congratulations on your pregnancy! How far along are you? How is it going? I think in private allow yourself to work through those feelings. Acknowledge that you feel them but then challenge the truth v your perception. You'd be very unreasonable to say anything to any of the wider family and would risk turning their joy at your news into feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 21/11/2020 07:34

Your pregnancy is yours and not shared with anyone, congratulations! The only spotlight that matters is yours and your husband's on your pregnancy and your baby when they arrive. If you can, distance yourself from this way of thinking, it will sap your energy at such a happy time. Perhaps it is part anxiety left over from what I'm sure you were years of strain and disappointment up to this. In the kindest way, try to move on now and look forward to your wonderful arrival.

Marmite27 · 21/11/2020 07:35

My sister-in-law was like this with both my pregnancies, her second was due after mine, but my baby ended up being born first. As I pointed out at the time, we didn’t know they were trying and in fact that I was already pregnant the day they announced so Hardly did it on purpose!

In the end the cousins are a tight gang of 4 close in age and adore each other. Don’t let this ruin your pregnancy and hers.

Queenbee95 · 21/11/2020 07:40

When I was pregnant with my second, my SIL was pregnant with their first (together - they have other children too) my big sister was pregnant with her 3rd and then my younger sister got pregnant with her 1st too. I thought it was amazing and I loved sharing my pregnancy journey with both my sisters and SIL.

My son was born May 10th, SIL’s little girl May 18th, big sister had a girl June 9th and my little sister had a girl the following January. All the kids are the bestest friends because they are all close in age, it’s lovely.

Original poster

1sharpmother · 21/11/2020 07:48

@silverstripe WOW, you make me want to cry. I feel stupid thinking about having the "spotlight" on our first pregnancy now. Maybe when I start to get upset or depressed, I'll make a cup of tea and meditate about all the wonderful things that have happened and are going to happen for my husband and I after our child is born.

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 21/11/2020 07:48

This happened to me. Our due dates were more or less withing a week or two (although the births weren't in the end). I don't think it made anh difference to sharing the spotlight at all.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 21/11/2020 07:50

Remember that love does not divide, it multiplies. If your in laws generally treat their children equally, they are likely to show your little ones equal love.i do understand how you feel (especially with hormones!) but I think you know cognitively that you are being unreasonable. Wishing you all the best x

PurBal · 21/11/2020 07:52

I think @SilverStripe deserves an award!

Sleazeyjet · 21/11/2020 07:56

Love is like glitter. It gets everywhere. There’s loads of it.

Your baby won’t be any less loved because your BIL and SIL are having a child.

The cousins will get a lot from being close in age (hopefully)

And finally, you know that your BIL and SIL won’t have thought about you and your DH when they were deciding to try for their second.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

RubbishQueen · 21/11/2020 07:56

@Silverstripe words are perfect. Nobody will love your baby any less. Every baby is a blessing. Enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations.

Whatthebloodyell · 21/11/2020 07:57

A thoughtful and kind post from @silverstripe

I am only add that I loved having similar aged cousins growing up. Sleepovers with them at grandparents houses, camping out in their garden, big family Christmases, so many fun memories. And we are still close now. My children don’t have any cousins at all and that makes me sad.

Original poster

1sharpmother · 21/11/2020 07:58

Thank you everyone for putting me in a better mindset, I've been so upset

I realize having cousins close in age is a great thing.

My mom and sister were actually pregnant at the same time and so my niece and I are only 3 months apart and we are more like sisters. My best friend is also only two weeks further in her pregnancy than I and I didn't seem to have a problem with that.

I think cause we had so much pressure from my in-laws to have their first grandchild and then we didn't it kinda made me feel like a failure or less of a woman somehow, I know you're going to say that is irrational I know.

OP posts:

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 21/11/2020 07:59

Pressure to have first grandchild sounds awful but hopefully it wasn't meant in that way just that they were rooting for you. Great you feel better. How lucky you are to have all the wonderful times ahead, I'd go back in a heartbeat.

KittenCalledBob · 21/11/2020 08:02

Another one here who was close in age to my cousins and loved it! We didn't see them often as we didn't live nearby, but when we were all staying at my Grandma's it was so much fun.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP

Sittinbythesea · 21/11/2020 08:04

As others have said, you aren’t sharing your pregnancy - it’s all yours! It will be nice to have cousins close in age, really lovely. Your parents will be double pleased not half pleased! My Nephews and nieces are all very close in age and my DCs (older) often say they wish they had same age cousins - think long term! Siblings are often close in age so it’s very common to have babies at similar times, it’s just how it is. Good luck 💐

KittenCalledBob · 21/11/2020 08:07

The last paragraph of your most recent post is spot on OP. It's insightful of you to realise that your current emotions can be traced back to the enormous stress and disappointment you experienced while you were TTC for all those years.

Alexandernevermind · 21/11/2020 08:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I agree with everyone else, whilst your feelings are very normal they need to be put away. I felt exactly the same. We tried for years for our first whilst SIL was seeminly popping them out like peas, whilst complaining to me about how hard work children are. They lived away, so I always felt the shine was on her children when they visited, rather than ours - the prodigal son affect I suppose!
Other people will think I'm bonkers, but I love animal kingdom analogies because they teach us about our primal selves. When you watch nature programs, in many group living species no other female is allowed to have a litter at the same time as the dominant female, this is because her instincts tells her other babies will be a threat in resources to her own.

Standrewsschool · 21/11/2020 08:16

“ Love is like glitter. It gets everywhere. There’s loads of it. ”

Love this and @silver stripe.

I kinda understand where you are coming. I had a similar situation at work when pregnant with my first child. A new member of staff became pregnant. They couldn’t celebrate my pregnancy without mentioning hers, so mine was less celebrated compared to previous pregnancies in the department, if that makes sense.

Dopeyduck · 21/11/2020 08:20

DS’ cousin is 11 months older than him and they LOVE each other and it’s so nice to have my sister not too far away in terms of stages etc.
I would actually have loved them to have been even closer in age.

I think your overestimating how much interest others will have in your pregnancy! It’s top of your list and overwhelming for you but others not so much. Try to focus on you and let this go. Once the babies are here there’ll be plenty of attention for both.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/11/2020 08:21

You've had some brilliant advice here and the only thing I can think to add is that long term TTC takes a real toll. Do you think you would benefit talking through your emotions with someone outside the family?

AdelaMia · 21/11/2020 08:24

OP, I think it might feel like this right now because when you're pregnant, the pregnancy and baby are still more of an abstract thing. So it feels as if things like the "spotlight" matter. Please be assured that in the end, they don't - what matters, what is so magical and wonderful about falling pregnant, is the baby you will have! And that baby is YOURS only, and YOUR baby will be perfect to you! I'm sure once your baby is here, any of the surrounding fun - other people's attention, gifts, baby things shopping, whatever - won't matter anymore because all that matters then is the actual, real, most perfect baby.

Mumdiva99 · 21/11/2020 08:27

Bless you. I get your feelings. But they will lesson. Others have given great advice. But, my cousins had kods the same time as me so all the kids are similar ages and it is so much fun for them all. It will be a blessing. Additionally your BF is PG which will be amazing to share together and have kids together.

Congratulations.

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