Sharing my first pregnancy with my sister-in-laws second

[1sharpmother]

Please don't take this the wrong way and I know I'm not a bad person for having feelings, but I just need advice from someone who isn't my mom or best friend.

I recently celebrated my 9 year wedding anniversary with my husband and after years of not being able to conceive we are finally having our first child. After being super excited for months and telling both sides of our family (which they were also excited for us) we come to find out that my brother-in-law's girlfriend, with whom he has already one child with is now having another. I know I should be super happy for them but at the same time, I was wanting this to be our moment.

We had waited so long to finally have a child of our own and now we have to share the "spotlight" with them. I previously had issues with her when they were pregnant with their first kid as she is 10 years younger than me and was just starting to date my brother-in-law and surprise got pregnant, giving my husband's parents their first grandchild. Something I'm sure I have animosity towards still.

I just want to know how I can come to terms with this and not be so angry about this. They are due one month after us, and while everyone else thinks this is amazing, I absolutely hate it. I just wanted this to be our special moment to be happy with our first child and now I am starting to feel depressed and angry that our child doesn't matter to my in-laws as much. We live about 3 hours away from them, while my brother-in-law and his girlfriend live in the apartment attached to my in-law's house.

Please be kind with your advice. Thank you, from a mom-to-be who is obviously dealing with hormones.

I think you have been impacted by the first grandchild thing. And the first is a big deal but that's been and gone. If anything the current grandchild will be getting less attention. I do understand why you feel the way you do but I can only echo everyone else and say that they will all get equal love and attention and will hopefully have a lot of fun being so near in age

I had the same situ here although not the previous infertility x one SIL was pregnant with her 2nd when I was pregnant with my 1st and the other pg with her 3rd when I was pg with my 2nd. No paternal GP but I know my MIL would have been as happy for us as for her daughters.

I am sorry you are upset but it doesn’t matter, honestly. Your baby will be every bit as special and important as hers and tbh people always make a much bigger fuss about first babies, as I found when I had my own second!

It is just lovely really for little ones to have cousins so close in age, and to share pregnancy and the early days with someone else. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

As for the first grandchild thing - no infertility as I say but my younger sister got married and pregnant before me. I felt peeved at the time as I had always assumed it would be me as the eldest who gave my parents their first grandchild. But again it really doesn’t matter. They were every bit as happy when I presented them with numbers 2 and 4!

Some of my best memories growing up is with my cousins (5 of us!) who were of a close age (1 month between me and the closest). Many of our adventures were at our nanna's house and she had plenty of love to go around. Try to think of the positives for your little one, i also don't think i would have been as close to some of my aunts and uncles if there had been a bigger age gap and no sleepovers/playdates etc over the years.

@Queenbee95

When I was pregnant with my second, my SIL was pregnant with their first (together - they have other children too) my big sister was pregnant with her 3rd and then my younger sister got pregnant with her 1st too. I thought it was amazing and I loved sharing my pregnancy journey with both my sisters and SIL.

My son was born May 10th, SIL’s little girl May 18th, big sister had a girl June 9th and my little sister had a girl the following January. All the kids are the bestest friends because they are all close in age, it’s lovely.

Blimey....costly month for all those birthdays together!! Lovely though🤣🤣

We’ve been looking through family photos a lot lately. I can assure you that one of the most striking similarities in every single newborn baby photo is the expression of love and wonder and happiness on my mum and dad’s faces for each individual grandchild. Your baby will be so loved. And remember- they’ll probably get to be fun grandparents in a way they won’t with your in-laws children. As they live next door to them I bet they’ll be on babysitting and childcare duty and whilst seeing them a lot means they’ll be close, they’ll also have a different sort of relationship. Your child will be special and get loads of attention because visits will be exciting and looked forward to. Enjoy it!

Congratulations! My SiL had her first 3 months after I had my first and it was lovely to have someone to hang out with when they were babies and now they're teens they really enjoy each other's company which is fab. I'm a few months older than my cousin and we were really close growing up, now as adults we don't see each other often, but when we do we immediately click and its lovely to have a friend I who has shared memories of my crazy family.

Try to enjoy your pregnancy. You've been through a lot and I think that makes pregnancy a challenging time. I tried for 4 years before conceiving and found pregnancy an emotional rollercoaster. After wanting it for so long I was grumpy and miserable throughout, everything and anything upset me. The minute I gave birth I felt better.

Hi OP,

I can definitely understand your resentment a little bit. I had been with my partner for 6 years when his brother got a new girlfriend and really soon after meeting they found out they were pregnant ... with twins! I was annoyed as I felt like the next grandchild should have been ours and the whole year was spent giving her and the babies so much attention. To make matters worse, we did get pregnant but then miscarried so I was very bitter.

BUT I've now come to see that it is really nice for my baby to have cousins so close in age and she has been very helpful and supportive now that our baby is here. She checks in with me all the time and sends over little tips and bits of advice.

I know it feels like it's impossible to do but if you try and look at the positives, it will definitely make you feel better.

You know what. Just enjoy this special news for you

Don't worry about grandparents. This is amazing news after so many years of waiting. Absoultely lovely news. Try and enjoy this time.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I was on the opposite side of this boat- I was pregnant with my 2nd when my SIL was pregnant with her 1st. Although my baby had the earlier due date they announced her pregnancy 1st (we were planning to wait until 12 weeks whereas they announced quickly), and I was very worried they would think i was trying to steal the limelight. As it happens, it was lovely to have someone else going through similar things when I was pregnant and my SIL says the same. I tried very hard not to offer advice unless it was asked for, but when we spent time together it was lovely to bond with SIL about pregnancy and new baby things. Now the babies are here and it was great when we were able to meet up for a short time, but we haven’t been able to see them in months which has been a shame.

I hope you’re able to have a similar experience- I suppose I don’t know what my SIL thinks but she always seems happy when we talk about it!

You are so lucky that your child will have a cousin close in age. Our DS is the only child in our family on both sides and likely to remain so for some time. It makes me sad that he won't grow up with the close cousin relationships I had.

I would be over the moon in your situation.

Some very good advice here.

I would add that my nightmare sister in law her two a couple of months before my two. I wasn't delighted but probably didn't feel how you did (they were babies one and two on my side of the family as my brother won't have kids) so I had that.

I can say that she can continued to be a nightmare as a mother and my PILs fully recognise that. However by some miracle she has two lovely boys who make family time with her much more bearable so there is definitely a longer term upside to this !

@Silverstripe

I think it’s good that your recognise your hormones probably have a lot to do with how you’re feeling - they can make you feel all kinds of irrational things very strongly in pregnancy!

There is no reason for you to think that your child will mean any less to your in-laws just because your BIL and his girlfriend are also having a baby. There is enough love and excitement to go around, and happiness about one baby doesn’t take away from happiness about another.

I think you also need to consciously challenge your feelings of anger. Anger is a response to injustice, and no injustice has occurred here - nobody has done anything wrong to you. When you feel this way, stop the thought in its tracks and challenge it. Remind yourself that everybody has the right to get pregnant, that there is no such thing as a pregnancy spotlight, and that your family is capable of loving both of the babies the same as if there were just one. You can train yourself out of negative, harmful thoughts by identifying them and challenging them when they arise. It’s a tricky habit, but one that is well worth doing as you will be so much happier and it won’t risk compromising your relationships with your family.

Please be reassured that this doesn’t change anything for you and your pregnancy. My sister fell pregnant with her first baby about 6 weeks after I fell pregnant with mine, and I couldn’t have felt more loved and supported in that time. There wasn’t the slightest compromise in the warmth and excitement from my family. My sister then devastatingly lost her baby, and it has been so hard for us all (obviously her and her husband most of all) because we were all so thrilled. There are lots of positives to having two similarly aged babies in the family (cousins who may well be friends, someone to chat to about the experience, etc) if you look for them.

Wow this is the best advice I’ve ever read on here, on this type of thread.

silverstripe Don’t be surprised if I start pm you for advice 😂

I’d also suggest remembering why it was you wanted a baby in the first place... I’d put money on it not being so people made a fuss of you.

You’re finally pregnant and getting what you wanted. That’s what’s important - not that someone else is having a baby.

I remember struggling for our first for a few years and it did hurt when others announced their pregnancies during that time, but when I finally got pregnant, I couldn’t have cared less about anyone else (in the nicest possible way). I was so focussed on my own pregnancy/baby and let myself really enjoy it. Perhaps you’re struggling to believe you’ve done it after years of trying ? Try to relax and enjoy it.

Congratulations and wishing you the best of luck.

I get it, I was in the exact same position!!! Even down to my in laws living right next to my brother in laws family (and being there helping them every single fucking day).

We too were expected to have the first grandchild (as the elder siblings and were married) when my SIL (not actually sil, just a girlfriend) "fell" pregnant 3 months after they started dating. She already had a son from a previous fling. We had been trying for a baby for a year with no success.

We didn't get any support from my in laws when I eventually got pregnant and miscarried as they were too busy helping my useless SIL and BIL wrangle their kids (they literally went over every night to help with bath time as they couldn't cope).

Then I fell pregnant with my DD and my SIL had the audacity to be jealous and tell me she was going to get pregnant too. I was devastated!!! When everyone else said we should be thrilled that our baby would have a cousin so close!

Fortunately my BIL eventually saw sense and they have since split with no additional babies!

I know my in laws adore my dd, but I'll always feel she's second best or an afterthought to her cousin because they're so so heavily involved in his life. And he'll do all the firsts so it's more exciting.

It's not nice to feel jealous of a toddler but hey, we're only human. I get how you feel x

My toddler has a cousin very close in age. While my SIL and I have never been close we have bonded through this time which has been nice and often share ideas/tips or arrange day trips for the kids. It's something I didn't expect so this may be a good thing. I'm sure there's enough love to go round for all the grandchildren ♥️

You need to examine which is more important, the spotlight or the baby.

This exact thing happened with me and my SIL. I was a bit disappointed when I found out as I had wanted feel ‘special’ but actually it was really lovely. We were three weeks apart so were able to chat about the different stages, went shopping together, when the babies were born they were so close in age it was lovely. They’re really close now and I don’t feel bad at all about not being the only one to be pregnant at that specific time.