I don’t know how to look after a baby.

[mrsmrt1981]

Hi.

I am due to have my baby in February/March and I don’t have a clue. My own mum has passed away and I don’t have any other women around me to show me what to do. I haven’t even bought anything for her yet and I am starting to panic. I am looking for recommendations to help me cope? Has anyone read any good guides or instruction books?
Thanks

It comes naturally , just go by instinct . You'll want to cuddle her , comfort her when she cries, feed her when hungry. Keep her clean and warm , change her nappy when she needs it.
You will both learn as you go along. You will be perfect for each other and before you know it , you will be taking her to school.

She is not popular on here, but I loved Gina Ford for this. I’m the same, my mum died before my first was born so I had to figure it out. I loved the detail in Gina’s books although others find her way too prescriptive. I didn’t find I had much instinct!

You will, it’s partly common sense and partly a lot of googling. They are small humans and you’re a human so it’s much easier than I expected to guess what they need. Only read if you want to, otherwise it’s easy enough to wing it.
Looking after a baby is a very long series of easy tasks. It’s hard because there are a lot and you are tired, but the tasks themselves are easy and mostly you already know how to do them.

@FudgeSundae

She is not popular on here, but I loved Gina Ford for this. I’m the same, my mum died before my first was born so I had to figure it out. I loved the detail in Gina’s books although others find her way too prescriptive. I didn’t find I had much instinct!

Thanks. I will check her out. Yeah, I really don’t think I can rely on instinct either, I am in no way maternal.

I remember getting DD1 home, sitting the car seat down and thinking, “I have no idea what to do now”. Don’t worry OP. New born babies literally just eat, sleep and fill their nappies!! Keep her comfortable and fed, there not much more to it at first. Your midwife will help you. I can’t remember the books now but there are plenty to choose from. Sending best wishes From one mumless Mum to another. Xx

Many, many of us didn’t know how to look after a baby before we had one. I had never spent time with any mums and babies before and our mums were both too far away for practical day to day help. But as other pp had said, it comes to you and it’s amazing how well and intimately you will come to know your baby, their needs and moods as the days and weeks pass. When you face struggles e.g. with feeding or sleep, help is out there, locally and (hopefully if times improve) in person. Books can be overwhelming as there is such a huge variety, all saying different things and they can end up making you feel that you’re doing it all wrong. You’re not, it’s just that your baby won’t have got the memo and read the book too! And no book can prepare you really, so personally I wouldn’t recommend any guide, although I’m sure others may have found some useful. But try not to work, do seek out support when you need help and hopefully you can build a support network of some kind. The first few months are hard and the first few weeks with your first incredibly so, but not because you don’t know how to be a mum. It’s just hard! Best of luck.

Maternal instinct isn’t the same thing as feeling maternal though. Your instincts don’t and can’t tell you how to make up a formula feed or how to change a nappy (not completely obvious which way round they go). And you may not feel the desire to cuddle every baby you see in the street. But you will instinctively want to cuddle and comfort your baby when he/she cries and that sort of thing.

Gina Ford is not the only parenting book available, and although some people like her she is at one rather extreme end of the spectrum. Have a look for a few others and also have a look on the NHS webpages which tell you all the important things. Everything else is just extras. You will be just fine xxx

Honesty I felt exactly the same before I became a Mum and bought several parenting books which I spent the last 3-4 months of my pregnancy reading in a total panic thinking I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I really didn’t think it was going to come naturally to me at all but it did, DD is 6.5 months old now and I haven’t referred back
to the books at all since she was born and couldn’t even tell you a thing I learnt from them after all that time reading!
You will be great and exactly what your baby needs, good luck and congratulations! xx

Sorry, try not ‘worry’.

It's normal to be worried about this. I was like you and found reading books really helped me feel prepared. Gina Ford was popular when I was a new mum and her schedules can be useful as a guide but can also be too restrictive. All babies are different and they have hungry days and sleepy days so won't always fit into a schedule. I preferred Tracy Hogg's books and methods. Her approach is clear but more relaxed. She calls it EASY - Eat, Activity, Sleep time for You. Sadly she died about 15 years ago but her books are still on Amazon. Good luck and Enjoy!

Also you are in the right place on MN! Whatever weird or wonderful question or concern you have as you go along you will always find an answer on here better than any book

Echoing what pp have said, it comes quite naturally and you figure it out as you go. The good news is newborns have very limited needs - to be fed, cuddled, sleep, changed and be the right temperature. Everything else comes in stages and you learn as they grow.

I was always awkward holding other peoples babies, but as soon as my own was put on my chest it came completely naturally. And most of the time, no one is watching you or judging you and you have the time and space to figure it out! You should have seen DH and I trying to put a vest on this tiny newborn, we had no clue, its funny now but you'll be a pro in no time. A lot of things i had a million questions on (what vests? How many layers? What type of blanket? What do I do with baby when i need the loo?!?!) became very obvious as soon as baby was actually here.

Google the main things, go to the antenatal classes, speak with any friends with babies, you'll be fine. Look up lists for what to buy for baby, what to pack in hospital bag etc. If you have a list of questions, however trivial, i'm more than happy to help answer (on here or PM me if you like), as i'm sure plenty on here would be.

Good luck, and congrats!

@mrsmrt1981 I was also coming on to recommend Your Baby Week By Week (like @FoxtrotSkarloey I have found it v accurate, and it’s also helpful note size chunks)

I had no clue. I didn't follow Gina Ford, but I found her book useful for telling me how often to feed, how to bathe, when to introduce solids ; that kind of thing. You find a way and it may not be perfect, but it will be fine. Strengths as a parent come in all different guises. I was probably an awful baby mother, but I'm a reasonably good teen mum ( I hope).

@mrsmrt1981 do you have any children's centres local to you? Where I am they run "Welcome to the World" groups that goes through the basics! Google your local one and give them a ring.

I also second that a lot of it is winging it! But don't worry, once you've mastered the basics, everything else just falls into place!

You could sign up to an NCT course which they're doing online at the moment? I found it helpful in the same position as you having never even held a baby before. They teach you all the basic bits you need to know.

When you have your baby you will figure it out.

They don't do much or need much at first, you feed them, change them and cuddle them. You start to learn by watching and listening to them what they need. You notice things like a little grumble followed by a high pitched wail that tells you they're hungry, or the way they move their head side to side when they're fighting sleep and tired.

Through trial and error you figure out if they burp better held over your shoulder or face down over your arm, if they prefer to sleep laying in the crib or propped up on your chest.

The first couple of weeks are all about just watching, learning and discovering your baby.

Before you know it you'll be whipping off a nappy, grabbing wipes with the other hand, somehow holding up the onesie out of the puddle of wee they've managed to make in the split second they were out of the nappy and putting a new one on, all in under 30 seconds.

The only thing I would recommend to any new mum is to go with the flow and obey your feelings. If you feel like you want to be out and about, going on walks, seeing people then do that, if you want to be left alone, to spend a couple of weeks just you, your partner and your baby at home then do that. Don't feel pressurised by people or what you believe their expectations would be.

I didn't read a single baby book. What I found most useful is having my NCT group WhatsApp so we could all share our stupid questions and someone would reply even if it was 3am.
I now have a 3 year old and couldn't tell you how often a 6 week old feeds/sleeps etc. It's all a hazy memory. Having a support network of people at the same stage going through the same thing is really invaluable.

I got a book called ‘Practical Babycare’ because I too lost my Mum and have had limited practical experience with babies myself.

I was flamed by my MIL-to-be at the time for “trying to learn how to parent out of a book” 🤦‍♀️ She assumed I thought I’d have a “textbook baby” and wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain my point for reading the book. 🤦‍♀️
I think it pays to be informed! Congratulations OP xx

Just wanted to say, lovely thread and some brilliant advice.

I second @BabyLEphant. MN is a cracking place for advice.

Read up on the fourth trimester, helps to understand baby’s needs.

We had an NHS antenatal class that was useful. I read quite a lot of books too and Googled excessively. The midwives in the hospital were great at showing me how to change a nappy etc and formula/weaning info came from the NHS website and my health visitor. Also don't automatically assume you're at a huge disadvantage. Guidance changes so often that the previous generation don't necessarily know how to do certain things now.

Another vote here for the Baby Whisperer (Tracey Hogg), I found her EASY method easy to follow. I remember buying the Gina Ford book, and then bursting into tears when I read it as I could never imagine following it (post pregnancy hormones!)

The Baby Whisperer. I used to watch her TV series years ago. You can still catch it on YouTube.

I knew NOTHING about babies, but when your own one comes along you’re soon an expert on them in no time.

Penelope Leach’s ‘Baby & Child’ was my bible with both my newborns. Helpful and reassuring guidance without being overly prescriptive or rigid. Very practical too for answering those ‘how many vests to buy?’ type questions.