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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

I don’t know how to look after a baby.

50 replies

mrsmrt1981 · 11/11/2020 21:52

Hi.

I am due to have my baby in February/March and I don’t have a clue. My own mum has passed away and I don’t have any other women around me to show me what to do. I haven’t even bought anything for her yet and I am starting to panic. I am looking for recommendations to help me cope? Has anyone read any good guides or instruction books?
Thanks

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Namechange8471 · 11/11/2020 23:05

Im sorry about your mum opFlowers

I was 18 when i fell pregnant and CLUELESS. I am an only child and zero experience of babies.
I thought they drank cows milk and I'd never heard of sterlising bottles etc.
I bought a few baby book (yes to Gina Ford!) and basically went with the flow. Google was also useful as well as munsnet.

You'll do great op, please don't worry!

Disappointedkoala · 11/11/2020 23:10

We did an NCT course which was good and I made some great friends. Also the HCAs in the hospital were great at showing us how to change a nappy, give baby a bath etc while we were on postnatal. There's still that moment of "WTF?" when you get them home. I'm not maternal at all really - every one was so surprised we were even having a baby first time round! I found it does come pretty naturally and babies are pretty forgiving little things.

Things I found useful to remember are "it's all just a phase" and "tomorrow is a new day".

FlyNow · 11/11/2020 23:16

Yep you'll do fine OP. I worried too, I'd never held a baby before I had my own and I'm not maternal. Now I wish I hadn't as it was really easy, honestly. What's to know? They only want three things - food, sleep, being warm/clean. Try one, then try another.

If you want to know something google "why is baby doing x" and you'll see that hundreds of people have asked that exact question and you'll find out more than you ever wanted to know.

kirsty0028 · 11/11/2020 23:17

I remember reading something recently that really resonated with me. It said "if you care enough to worry about weather you will be a good mom, then it means that you are already going to be a good mom"

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 11/11/2020 23:21

The important thing to know is there is no single right way. Nothing is gospel. In the first few months you are consumed with feeding and sleeping. Both have controversial end members which will divide many mothers, ie breastfeeding versus bottle, sleep training versus acceptance of natural infant sleep. I hated people telling me to trust my instincts because it took about two years into parenting before I learned HOW to trust my instincts. Once that happens it definitely gets easier. Read what you can, do your best, you will be fine. If anyone says “this is the solution, you HAVE to do xyz”, listen, try it if you want, but if it doesn’t work, try not to beat yourself up. After birth (however baby comes into the world, I do suggest you try and do lots of skin to skin - naked baby on your naked chest. It helps with bonding.
My mum is very much alive but of little help with my mothering.

FlyNow · 11/11/2020 23:23

I really think people make it out to be a lot harder than it is. I mean it can hard in terms of, I'd rather be sleeping. But in terms of knowledge? Instructions for putting nappies on are on the box. It's so easy little kids put nappies on their dolls! Giving baby a bath - put them in a bit of water and wash them. How many vests to buy, hardly a question for the ages is it? Buy a couple, if you need more, buy more.

Sort of like how going for a run is hard work but knowledge wise there's nothing to it, just put one foot in front of the other.

OneEpisode · 11/11/2020 23:30

I didn’t like Gina Ford’s approach at all. The one tip I did remember is to get the adult stuff organised before the baby comes.
So for instance presents and birthday cards for other people organised, maybe wrapped in advance. Get ahead on domestic chores- so checking you are on the right phone contract, diy jobs if you have your own home.
Clear some space ready for the baby. Baby will sleep near you, so some space in your bedroom, some space in your living room. If you decide to formula feed, you will need space in the kitchen.
Enjoy your babymoon!

Heyahun · 11/11/2020 23:57

Eeeep I’m the same Baby due end of feb ! I’m in London and my parents are in Ireland so they won’t be here and not sure when il get to see them after the baby arrives!

Luckily my husband has a 14 year old from a previous relationship so has had a newborn before (although a long time ago)

Are you signed up to any ante natel classes? I’ve just signed up to one in jan so looking forward to that

I’m currently reading pregnancy for dummies 😂 husband gave me it as a joke but it’s actually a very good useful book so far!!

Phoenix76 · 12/11/2020 00:06

You’re completely normal op. At the ripe old age of 36 I discovered I was expecting my first, I had resigned myself happily to the fact I wasn’t going to be a parent and was content focusing on my career. I had no idea about babies or any interest in them, it was like a foreign language to me. Others are correct, much of it is instinct and nowadays there are a lot of resources available. I was amazed at how much I enjoyed it and went on to have another, you’ll be fine op don’t stress and if you do find you need guidance ask, there are groups available (especially MN, saved me many times!)

YorkshirePud1 · 12/11/2020 00:08

I don't think I can really say anything that hasn't already been said. I had exactly the same fears - hadn't changed a nappy in my entire life - was terrified of holding a newborn. Until I was actually holding her. You'll be amazed at how quickly you become an expert at it all. She's 6 months old now and I haven't dropped her yet!

Pinktruffle · 12/11/2020 00:24

@mrsmrt1981 Google The Honest Midwife and do her first online antenatal session, it's free and she covers the basics. If you like it, you can do some further classes - she literally has one titled 'I've never held a baby before'. Classes are £10 so much cheaper than NCT and you can pick and choose which sessions you think are useful for you. It's really interactive so you can ask advice and ask questions too.

mrsmrt1981 · 12/11/2020 00:27

[quote Pinktruffle]@mrsmrt1981 Google The Honest Midwife and do her first online antenatal session, it's free and she covers the basics. If you like it, you can do some further classes - she literally has one titled 'I've never held a baby before'. Classes are £10 so much cheaper than NCT and you can pick and choose which sessions you think are useful for you. It's really interactive so you can ask advice and ask questions too.[/quote]
Thankyou. That’s really helpful. Will have a look x

OP posts:
Byemelania · 12/11/2020 00:28

You will be fine. They just need cuddles, food and to be cleaned. They wear vests and sleep suits for a good six months. A lot of the stuff that’s sold to first time mums isn’t needed. Enjoy it x

Byemelania · 12/11/2020 00:29

And take loads of video in the first weeks! First few days especially. Newborn days go so quickly it’s insane

5lilducks · 12/11/2020 01:43

Congratulations on your pregnancy Op. Sorry about your mum. I was very much the same ,absolutely clueless and hadn't held a baby for about 20 years prior to having my own. Putting a vest and sleepsuit on my DD was a two person job (me and DH) for the first few weeks as I was scared I would break something (I kid you not). Generations of women managed just fine without the help of books ,so I didn't feel the need to read up on it. I knew that in the end we will find what works for us. We did learn how to bath baby from YouTube just like how we learnt to set up the pushchair! The anti-natal classes were quite informative but didn't cover bathing etc. Our midwife was amazing , and the HV (although not so great ) was good to have as someone to call up and get advice from. We all get there eventually, with or without family support . You'll be just fine, don't worry . Good luck with your pregnancy x

grassisjeweled · 12/11/2020 01:53

You don't need books, just ask on here 😊

CustardyCreams · 12/11/2020 02:06

I laughed when I read your thread title! This was me a decade ago. Absolutely clueless. Career woman, not maternal. Had only held a baby once, avoided them, no young children in the family at all, friends didn’t have kids, my mum is old and doesn’t really give advice, so i did not get much of a steer from her.

I joined several mum-and-baby forums, did the NCT prenatal classes (not really very helpful tbh her but made me feel better), and I read a few “how to raise a baby and toddler “ books, as well as a few sleep training books. All helpful, but the only truly essential thing was baby first aid, offered via my HV.

You will be fine, promise. I love being a mum, have found a whole new side of myself. Enjoy the ride.

warriorsmain · 12/11/2020 02:23

I had no clue, no help, didn't read any books...you already sound far more prepared than I was so you will definitely smash this Smile.

Graphista · 12/11/2020 03:49

Personally I disagree that it’s all completely instinctual and natural, its not for everyone plus there are certain things that parents need to know for baby’s safety.

I’ve come across incidents in real life, seen on tv and certain posts on here have shown that some people are unaware of some important info.

This has included but not limited to:

Not knowing about sids guidance
Not knowing the potential dangers of salt in a baby’s diet
Not knowing how to safely make up a bottle
Not understanding normal baby development - seen a lot of threads of this type recently on mn new parents expecting VERY young babies to behave in ways that they’re simply incapable of and it being attributed to the baby being “naughty” in some way, babies especially those less than 3 months old have no concept of “naughty” or “manipulation” they’re just trying to get basic needs met.

I’ve a LOT of experience (eldest child and grandchild both sides, babysitting since 12 paid since 14, nanny before having dd) and I STILL panicked when her dad went back to work after we were home!

Where I’m a bit at a loss is recommending sources, dds dad found what to expect the first year helpful and some leaflets the midwife gave us.

Now it is so much easier to find info online BUT check the source and check if it’s up to date. Generally the nhs’ own page is pretty good if basic.

You will make rookie errors, I did when I was first looking after babies, did my share of backwards nappies and vests and not being quick enough at times.

Ex learned the hard way about dodging pee while nappy changing, making sure the changing bag is properly prepped

What you will learn through experiencing your own child and getting to know them is things like what each cry means, their hungry and tired signs, what temperature they like things, what temp they run at (I’ve a dd who runs hot so a temp that would be a fever in another child was her normal, my sister has one that runs cool so a “normal” temp in another child means they actually have a fever), how they like to be treated when tired/bored/in pain (right from the start dd preferred as little fuss as possible when in pain/feeling unwell and she’s still the same now). It’s not really “instinctual” it’s from you spending a lot of time with them so you know them very well, plus they can be personality traits handed down (I also hate being fussed when in pain/sick, her dad wants 6 nurses and 2 drs and his mother wiping his brow 😂)

Speaking of ex - he’d never even held a baby before dd, had zero experience and yes made a fair few mistakes and found it challenging to learn about development etc but he now has 6 and they’re all alive and thriving 😉 just nobody can really quite figure how 😂

Ask your midwife for recommended resources too? And check out loads of threads on here, the “what I wish I knew...” ones are hilarious!

Nina9406 · 12/11/2020 04:35

Im an only child, had my ds here away from home. Mum wasn't a lot of help for there first months advice wise (had pnd and pns, my aunt took care of me for the first 6 months)

I read a few books, watched a lot of "day in the life with a newborn" "newborn advice" videos, but really nothing prepares you completely. Just cuddle your dd, feed her when she wants even if she's on formula, change her keep her warm and keep the room relatively quiet to not overstimulate her. Pay attention to any reaction and trust your instinct, a lot of times midwives and GP's will try to fob you off. As for buying stuff, get the basics for now. We got a lot of stuff that ds didn't want to use (swaddles, swing, etc) You'll do amazing x

Nina9406 · 12/11/2020 04:37

Also just use mn as Google about any questions you have that's what got me through the first 2 months

emma911030 · 12/11/2020 05:33

Hey @mrsmrt1981 first of all congratulations!
Secondly, I wouldn't worry too much (easier said than done im well aware of that!) my boy is 20 months old now and I'm now pregnant again (33 weeks to the day but with twins).
I had no clue what to do, had no experience with babies at all as although I wasn't the youngest in my family I was only many 4/5 years older than the youngest so not like I did anything there to help with are when around them.
I was handed this baby who then proceeded to do his first pooh all over me. Then after being cleaned up I had him on my chest for hours (I felt like I was stuck cause I didn't know what to do with him. And due to forceps delivery I'd had to have a spinal so physically couldn't move anyway for a bit) anyway so fast forward to spinal worn off I'd put the baby down, I then by myself decided I'll dress him, his nappy was a little wet so I also changed that, as I had just finished a HCA 'knocked' and put her head around the curtain and asked if I was ok and if I needed anything for me to beam a massive smile at her and said I've just changed a nappy for the very first time in my life and I think I've actually done it right! I was so proud of myself (she on the other hand probably thought I was a weirdo lol)
Fast forward again to getting home, (my partner has a son from previous relationship so knows how to be a dad and what to do) so I get home sit down and take him out his car seat and just sit with him in my arms as he sleeps and I literally turn to my partner and said now what? I just let him sleep and that's it?! And he was like well yeah and giggled, then said when he wakes up and if he cries go through your 'checklist' not an actual checklist but in my head it was a work out why he's crying, is he cold? Hungry? Need a nappy change etc and work from there!
This time although I know how to be a mum, I only know how to be a mum to a 20 month old who is getting to be a right royal pain in the ass haha but this is only the case cause of his age and also cause I can't do so much with him being the size of a house so he's getting bored more easily.
Always ask if your not sure, and if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't and seek relevant medical attention (I'm sure you know this) mothers instincts is normally right even if you think your wasting peoples time your not, your baby is the most important thing to you and that's that.
However do be aware that sometimes on MN although majority of people are lovely I have found. There's always a handful of 'perfect' mothers who will be negative and be horrible or rude. Just try not to let them think your questions or worries are invalid as as much as they may have been through similar and it end up being nothing, it's something to you at that time and shouldn't be dismissed! Take care of yourself and you'll be able to take care of a baby, but the self care is also very important! 😃 xx

Clockstop · 12/11/2020 05:37

Gina ford is a bit old school. Sarah ockwell Smith is the other end of the spectrum so I'd suggest looking at both perspectives to see the different paths you can take. Personally I did what was easy on the day and couldn't be bothered with routines and not being able to go out because it was a scheduled nap.

BangersAndMush · 12/11/2020 05:43

Firstly - nobody knows how to look after a baby. We're all just making it up as we go along

Secondly - find people. My parents are still alive but I'm an immigrant and had my baby not long after I moved here so I had no one and it was hard. I pushed myself to get involved with stuff and try and make as many friends as I could - especially mum/dad friends. They are invaluable.

treenu · 12/11/2020 05:44

My cousin leant me this book and I buy it for friends and family. Really helpful and not too prescriptive.

www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Baby-Week-ultimate-UPDATED/dp/0091910552/ref=nodl_

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