He left me

[Emmaemma23]

Hi everyone.
I don't know what I want to achieve from this but I just need to get it out. I feel so alone with no one to talk to.
So my partner has left me. After 2 years together , I am 13 weeks pregnant. He broke up with me via text last night. He told me I make him feel like shit and our relationship is toxic.. apparently even when we spent the summer together and he got me pregnant he was unhappy.. I wish I knew that then.
I am so broken and lost. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've had such a hard time anyway with this pregnancy, and we have been in a long distance relationship but the thought of closing the gap and living together as a family apparently made him feel like he would be trapped.
I really never thought this could happen to me.. it's like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel completely detached from my baby and have been considering having a termination. I know I need to think about it more.. but I feel like my life has just been ruined. I feel guilty for feeling that..

How do I get through this..
Any advice or kind words appreciated.
Thanks

I’m so sorry, what a shitebag. Who dumps their pregnant girlfriend by text?!

Don’t rush into anything, you’ve got options.

You need to take a deep breath and think about the practicalities.

What a dick.

Deep breath and think of what you want.

Ask yourself the questions. Will he help out financially? Is he going to want to see baby? Do you have a family and friend support network? Can you afford to go alone?

It’s possible to do, hard work but possible. I split with dd2’s dad when I was 5 months pregnant. He sees her once a month and does help financially and my family help out. However I know I’m lucky.

There are still options. Just give yourself a couple of days to re group.

Don’t do anything immediately give yourself time to process and think through your options. Regardless of whether he wants to be involved with the baby or not, he has to help financially. Do you have friends or family you can talk to and get support from?

I am so sorry, what a shock, I hope you have friends and family who you can talk to.
It may not feel like it now but its better to find out what a twat he is sooner rather than later.

Take time to regroup and think about what you want.
Can you contact your GP and see if you can get urgent pregnancy counselling?
legally he will need to provide financial support for his child if nothing else.
You will get through this💐

i was in the same situation 4 years ago, he left when i was 19 weeks pregnant and i haven't seen or heard from him since.

take some time to think about everything. being a single parent is hard but it also has it's positives

My ex moved away for work just as we found out I was pregnant then a few weeks later broke up with me over the phone when I was 10 weeks so I understand completely how you feel

Right now the thought of going it alone is so scary and dealing with the heartbreak makes it all so much harder but if you want to keep your baby then do it, it's not always easy being a single parent but when you don't know any different it's your normal if that makes sense.
You are more than capable and I'm sure will be a fantastic mum but the choice is yours and if you decide not to go ahead it is completely understandable, just take some time to think it through and do what is best for you

Thank you ladies. It has made me feel better to have some other peoples opinions.

Just need to calm down, I still can't believe he'd be so cruel after everything I've been through already in this pregnancy, thought we'd lost bubba so many times. I've been bleeding throughout and it has been incredibly stressful. Guess that means he's been neglected. Also he already wants to talk about custody of our child but doesn't want to be with me.. that hurts especially when you're not expecting it!

I know I need time to calm down and cool off. I've been thinking a lot today and just reminding myself how excited I was when we found out I was pregnant, and how I've wanted this for so long. I need to think about baby and me now, he doesn't deserve my time.
Really good to hear people with similar experiences. I can do this..
Thank you lovely ladies.

Also he already wants to talk about custody of our child but doesn't want to be with me.. that hurts especially when you're not expecting it!

How exactly is that going to work if he’s miles away?

One big piece of advice I’ll give is don’t give the baby his surname. He’ll probably push for it but seriously don’t.

I’d also be reticent to put him on the birth certificate.

What. A. Dick. As people have said. Showing his true colours.

You have got this! As people here say, take some time for you and to process. Decide what you want with him written out of the picture. So many of my friends have ended up on their own raising children as single mums anyway as men seem to be able to just walk away. My married ended when DS was 2 (mutual agreement) and looking we had issues well before DS. He was a one time in 6 months conception and would not change it for the world. It is sometimes easier to do things alone rather than being with a partner and having that constant irk of them not pulling their weight. It becomes easier to do it when not resenting someone not helping out.

That being said, you would need some good family support at the start as you really need it in those early days. It is not impossible and amazing women do it, but it is hard.

Don't take this man back if he ever presents the option.

You will love this wee baby so much, but if it is not the right thing for you it is your body and choice and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Btw I am 38 weeks pregnant with a wonderful fiance and DS is 10 and just the most amazing boy in my eyes. You have a wonderful future out there whatever you decide. Xxx

(()HUGS)))

What a shithead to 'dump you' by text.

Give yourself a bit of time, but do consider the option of having a termination. Tying yourself to someone for life (via a baby) IS a big deal. IF you are 23 (as per your name) consider how limiting it will be on your life (not so much a child) but being restricted because of him (not able to move where you want to live etc) a lot of men are very controlling via a shared child, whilst being of little or no financial or practical support

I'm sorry he's such a test. Please don't get back with him if he suggests it. A bloke who can break up via text & especially when you're pregnant is NOT one you want to be with.

IF you decide to go ahead wuth the pregnancy, think hard about where you want to live & move BEFORE you have the baby x

Look after yourself 🌷

What a horrible horrible human being. Especially since you're pregnant. But their are men out there like him and men who are not like him. Please stay strong, you have other options. I'd ignore his messages and give him a taste of his own medicine. Have you told him you're thinking about terminating? What has he said? I'd not let him hurt you anymore. You'll find someone else more mature who will actually help you raise your child.

@Sexnotgender
I'm not sure exactly what our rights will be as the baby will be born in the UK.. and he lives in America. The baby will obviously be born here so be a UK citizen, and
I'm not really sure about the rights he has but that is probably a good idea to keep my name, and I don't plan to put his name on the birth certificate. Not sure what difference that makes though?

He was talking about the baby going to him (I guess in the states) for presumably months at a time (he said summer?) but I guess that is something we will have to discuss. When he told me this initially I blew up and said you're not taking my baby from me too! But what can I do.

@Sheera1
Thank you lovely. I'm glad your story has become a happy one.
I think the hardest thing for me will be to stay strong if he changes his mind - can't forget this pain he's caused me.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants
This is what I'm afraid of.. my life being limited and tied to him forever because he's my child's father.
That is good advice though thank you. I'm really trying to be strong..

@faithfulbird20
Thank you. I know it's heartless :(
I haven't told him that I have been considering terminating, I can't talk to him yet I am still so upset and angry. But I guess we need to talk about it.

If he’s not on the birth certificate he has no legal rights towards the child.

He can apply to the courts for parental responsibility though. It just makes it much harder for him.

Personally I’d make it as difficult as possible.

This is a shitty situation to be in.

To be honest, if I was in your situation I would end the pregnancy. It will be, at minimum, painful and inconvenient being tied to him for 18+ years. You will be a single parent which will limit your life severely. Single parents are far more likely to live in poverty. Good luck getting child support money from America.

At worst you could get caught up in international legal battles over custody. Extremely expensive and stressful and you may be ordered to share travel costs for visitation. Imagine not seeing your small child for months or being forced to stay in the US to not miss out, limiting your career. Imagine if he refuses to return the child and you need to enfore using the Hague convention which could take months to years. Imagine the impact on your child's wellbeing as well as yours.

It would be a no from me.

@Emmaemma23 please don't do anything in anger or make decisions now. Regardless of what's happened between you, he needs to be on the birth certificate - remember, that's for your child, not for you. He's the father and has rights here.

This may be unpopular, but I see many are jumping to call him out... but in reality we don't know what has happened in your relationship, how you have behaved, how he has behaved, so strangers on the internet cannot really have an opinion here.

Your child deserves to know their father, and he deserves to have a relationship with them. Acting now in spite will only have negative impact for your child in the future. As much as you're hurting now, he's probably hurting too. You both need to calm down and put the baby first.

Trying to make things "as difficult as possible" is not a good move. Your relationship ended and that is hard, very hard for you both... but you have something bigger to think about now and need to push both your emotions to the side. You'll get over it, as will he. But decisions you make today will have serious ramifications for your child when they are older. Remember, they didn't choose this, and the only one you'd truly be hurting is them.

If you do decide to have a termination or go down the adoption route, try and break to news to him calmly. If the latter is what you choose, perhaps giving him custody of his child isn't a bad idea. You have options, but you need to think carefully about what to do next.

If you decide to terminate you don't have to tell him. You've been having bleeds throughout, you could just say that the pregnancy ended and let him assume miscarriage.

Just in case you're worrying about that it is an option.

lying about a miscarriage when you had a termination is a terrible thing to do

Aside from that this is a complete mess - what was your plan when you were together - who was going to move to the others country?

I don't believe In not putting the fathers name on the birth certificate - you made the baby together and despite his shitty behaviour with how he ended your relationship you still knowingly made that baby together.

You do need a good lawyer though so that you have a very clear custody agreement. At some point you will need to get used to the idea that your child will visit and stay with its father and due to the distance this could be for weeks at a time but you've got years before you reach that point and whilst he's a baby you'd likely just have to go with him to visit the father or the father would have to visit here

@ivfbeenbusy
I know it is a mess. He was due to move here to live with me when his visa gets approved which could be any day now. I have paid for his visa but probably won't Get that back.
We were due to be married in February so he could live here permanently and we could live as a family.
That was what was supposed to happen.
I think some legal advice is a good idea, before we talk about custody.

Thank you everyone for your replies i really do appreciate it. ❤️

I think if you have a termination then you need to tell him that you're doing it. Not saying you need his permission because it is your choice and he already made his, but he at least has the right to know.

He should also be on the birth certificate, like people have said before this is for your child's benefit as well. Also, I may be completely wrong in saying this but if he's not in there do you not forgo the right to receive financial aid from him? Because you're denying he's the father? As I said, that might be wrong but it's I was under the impression that was the case. Fully support not giving the child his surname though.

Definitely something that needs thought and not a decision to make quickly, I'm sure you'll make the right one for you x