Need to vent out!! In-laws are driving me crazy

[Spagbolpls]

I actually can't sleep because I'm so angry and annoyed!! I don't want this to be a very long post so will try my best to summarise it all.

I live with my in-laws and as it's part of my culture, I tend to their needs that being; cooking, cleaning, house chores, paper work, phone calling, driving to places, shopping etc. Husband's elderly grandma is quite picky of everything... she'll make me get up for petty things even though she knows I've done all my chores and need to rest.

Although it's extremely exhausting and I barely get to sit down and have time to myself let alone husband (he works out of city mon-fri) I find it rewarding and it's taught me to have patience.

Fast forward to them finding out I'm pregnant (August)... they were so happy to finally become grandparents. Very overprotective what I do to the point they were stopping me from doing housework and forcing me to rest.

However now currently at 15 weeks; I find myself back to the pre-pregnancy me. Today was my last straw. Doing housework and taking my MIL and grandma out and waiting in a STANDSTILL traffic for 1.5 hours... my stomach was hurting badly from being sat for so long. I got no sympathy from MIL. Her only comments were, I'm glad your FIL didn't drive he would have lost the plot from waiting.

I always seem to have a 'yes' approach to their demands as that's my duty as DIL. However am I wrong for feeling like this? Feeling like they might ruin my chance of finally having a healthy pregnancy that can go to full term?

Hubby already threatened them last time as I was helping out with SILs birthday and cooking/doing decorations and standing up for 6 hours. He told them if anything happens to his baby he will hold them responsible and that did have some affect on them for a while. However they seem to have gone back to their ways.

I feel like they rely on me too much and lack common sense. Should I speak to Hubby again? I don't know how long I can live like this 😢

P.s in-laws are genuinely really sweet and caring but they also lack understanding that too much is put on me and one person alone can't deal with so much especially being pregnant

Also going to add; as soon as I ate I went straight upstairs to our room and I've been here since. I just cannot deal with anymore of their errands and doing petty things that can be done by themselves. I have a HEADACHE and can't even take paracetamol 😭

I don’t think any grown woman should be doing chores and running for peoples demands pregnant or not. I understand it may be your culture.

I sympathise but I think you’re being slightly precious. I can’t understand how sitting still for 1.5 hours would hurt your belly and why you would need sympathy. Also standing and rushing round for 6 hours + is pretty standard for working women when pregnant. I don’t feel like you should be running round after them but that’s your choice to speak up but nothing they’ve done in regards to the pregnancy has put you or the baby at any risk and I think you and your husband are being slightly dramatic in terms of him holding them responsible if anything happens as you helped at a party. Be firm and say no, or move out into your own space with your husband or it’s going to get a hell of a lot more frustrating when you have had the baby.

You can take paracetamol in pregnancy for your headache😊

What do you mean part of your culture ?
This is Uk ?

How do you think you would cope if you worked?

I think you need to take some responsibility if you aren't happy with the situation and speak to them about it with your husband.

They cant make you do anything.

@avamiah sadly 'culture' sticks regardless living in the UK or not according to hubbys family

@JumperooSue I have spoken to my midwife who mentioned pregnant women shouldn't be standing for more than 4-5 hours at a time. In my case I suffer from DVT.

Also I am epileptic and stress/anxiety triggers it off. Hence why hubby can get protective about this.

I've been advised not to take paracetamol by doctors.

@avamiah and there are people from lots of different cultures in the UK so whats your point? Or do you not understamd what culture means?

Also, the poster never actually said they were from the UK. We have posters here from Europe, USA and Australia amongst other nationalitys.

Op it sounds like your husband doesn't want you acting like a skivvy and slave for his family ...so don't do it...you married in to the family as his wife, not as free housekeeper, cleaner, cook, chauffer etc

It is not on that you have to do all of that everyday even if you were not pregnant while they sit around...

If you can't face telling them no, get your husband to tell them using you as free labour is over...draw up a rota where the chores are shared out fairly, and just do your allotted chores...if the rest don't get done, then tough, how did they .anage before you married in to the family ...they did the chores themselves right? Meaning they can do them again....

Get husband on side...and if they are mean in any way about you not doing chores, tell your husband...you shouldn't have to be a free servant for them, that is no life for you....when the baby is born they will expect you to do all the chores and take care of a newborn too?

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls I guess the next step would be to speak to my husband and his family. But at the same time I have this unnerving guilt for speaking up.

I've always had measures put in place at my work place to accommodate both DVT and epilepsy.

so who did all this domestic drudgery/ waiting hand and foot on them before you married in to the happy household?
you are expecting them to be considerate etc but they are self-centred. so you've got to stand up for yourself. without being rude, you can just state what you will do and what not.
and that you will be resting, and not to disturb unless real emergency.
having read this, i now begin to see why women in some cultures are so obsessed about having a son. obviously waiting to get their own back, and be waited upon by son's wife.

*manage

You need to move out - culture or not - otherwise your life will be drudgery and doing everything for your husbands family until you drop - or some other poor soul takes over. Nothing will change unless you say no. It will be worse when your baby is here. You probably won't take any notice of any advice anyway, so good luck - as you will need it.

@Ilovenutellaaaaa partly why I hold back in telling my hubby how I feel is because I don't want to cause a rift between him and his family.

The last time he spoke to them, he was absolutely livid and spoke to them harshly. I just don't want them to think their son who is so well mannered suddenly raising his voice at his parents and threatening them; to then look at me and think I am the cause of this.

I'd like to speak to my husband and want us to both have a meaningful conversation with in-laws where we can come up with a lasting solution.

It feels like they need reminding when it should be obvious??

@alexdgr8 They had two daughters for doing all the housework but they both married and moved out to their in laws.

I guess they kind of expect me to take their place, but it's hard as I'm just the one person doing everything.

@PanamaPattie I appreciate your advice! For a long time I thought what I was doing for them was normal and I accepted this was my reality.

However, now that I'm pregnant and this pregnancy means the world to me- I just want to come out of this bubble!! hence why I posted because I could do with advice and words of encouragement.

I really can't see me doing all this with a newborn baby really I can't

Spagbolpls,
Then let me assure you that they ( your hubby’s family ) in my opinion are nothing more than disgusting monsters .
That’s me being nice .

Could you both live with your parents? Sounds like this is a more high risk pregnancy than most and you need people supporting you not treating you like a live in maid.

I appreciate it's the culture, but you do have choices. You don't have to accept this and doesn't sound like your husband would want you to either.

@Bemorechair I would absolutely love to live with my parents again. However it's too overcrowded and just not possible.

I think it's easier said than done to be fair. This culture that I'm accustomed to has pre written rules from birth to death. So much heritage, traditions, rules, political and belief systems, social norms etc.

It's been embedded in us and sadly culture cannot be 'overpowered' no matter where you live as you take it with you.

I personally don't agree to a lot of these 'rules' and I grew up more western and modern than my hubbys family. But my parents always taught me cultural values and respect and had it adapted to the western way of living... if that makes any sense?

In reality you are right I do not have to accept it or even live with my in-laws and agree to their demands.

However, it's conflicting because this is my reality and it's more a less tradition for one of the sons to stay with his parents with his wife... to keep the house together. And yes, basically a maid.

In my case my husband is their only son and so all he's ever known from a young age is that he'll be living with parents to take care of them with his wife.

I'd love to move out, but it's only a dream and I know if we move. My husband will either need to move out with them or they will either cut ties with him for leaving them to look after themselves.

Wow op. It's incredibly difficult for us to comprehend or understand your role and the conflict of western culture versus your own.

What I would say would be more balanced. You stand right now on a precipice and define your own future moving forwards. Whilst it is understandable that you in laws just expect you to adhere to these preconceived ideas and notions it is clear you are unhappy. Will you expect the same of your own children? Is there a compromise to be had?

If you and your husband are to work moving forwards you need to be able to approach him in confidence. I suspect with culture and tradition there is likely a religion too. Can you use those scriptures or beliefs to talk to your husband in confidence asking him to respect you enough not to overreact and to help you come up with a solution? The same to be said with your in laws. It is delicate to challenge their customs and beliefs whilst still being respectful but I do think there is a way forwards for you. Remember the early stages of pregnancy cause a lot of emotional and hormonal changes in a woman so it is to be expected that this has had such a profound effect on your perspective. That is normal. Be honest with your in laws and decide what you are prepared to do and what you are not. Just because it has always been that way does not mean it always has to be that way in the future. You can carve out a new path which is good for you all. If they are as kind and sweet as you say they will help you find a new acceptable.

So just because a long line of women have been skivvies before you, you can't be the one to break with tradition?
Would you want your daughter to accept living like this?
If you have a son, do you expect to be this demanding of your own future daughter-in-law?
There won't ever be any progress unless someone says no.

I feel really sorry for you. You've been brain washed into thinking this is acceptable in modern society. There are lots of ways to respect cultural traditions that don't involve women being treated as an unpaid housemaids. You should be making your own decisions and not letting yourself be controlled by other people.

What happens if you have daughters? Will you be happy to watch them being treated like this.

My husband will either need to move out with them or they will either cut ties with him for leaving them to look after themselves.

If you genuinely think they would blackmail their son like that to basically force him and you to live with them then how can you stand to be around them. They sound like horrible controlling people. I wouldn't want them around my children.

Just walk away when you need to. If it's your culture then your MIL and GMIL have experienced it and know how to look after each other and themselves. They're being too dependent on you because you're letting them. Stop letting them. Tell your husband everything. Let him deal with them. They will be well versed in listening to the man's instructions if they are old-school traditional.

You're in your second trimester now, things should start to get easier and your energy will perk up as your placenta takes over most of the work of looking after baby. Still do work that you can manage, you need to keep fit and not just rest all the time.

I'm solo parenting two (5+2yrs) whilst pregnant with our third, full time working and keeping a house/dog/cats whilst my husband works away and comes home 4 days a month. As long as you keep eating, drinking and sleeping enough you will be fine. I know the first baby is a complete shock to the system. You will feel tiredness you've never felt before and wonder how you are still alive, but you will survive.

It's more about the respect they need to show you and how it's affecting your mental state at this point. Mental health is very fragile in pregnancy. It can have a knock on effect to your physical state. Look after yourself x

I'm sorry but I would not put up with this. It's you being a skivvy to their needs, a slave ffs. If you have a daughter, do you want her to grow up thinking it's ok for you to be a second class citizen in your home? So she'll expect to live like that too, being a skivvy to others until someone else is old enough to be a skivvy to them

And you WORK too!
If this is tradition and culture it's about time it changed like your parents sound like they've done - is your husband the man of the house or is it still the FIL? Time for change IMO

I'm sorry but I really think you need to consider whether you want to live life as an unpaid slave. It's only going to get harder when you have a baby and then a boisterous toddler.

It's not acceptable that your husband works away during the week and you're stuck at home slaving away all week. Haven't you thought that maybe he does this to get away from his demanding family while you're left bearing the brunt? Why don't you move closer to his work, just the two of you, and live together as a couple?