Need to vent out!! In-laws are driving me crazy

[Spagbolpls]

I actually can't sleep because I'm so angry and annoyed!! I don't want this to be a very long post so will try my best to summarise it all.

I live with my in-laws and as it's part of my culture, I tend to their needs that being; cooking, cleaning, house chores, paper work, phone calling, driving to places, shopping etc. Husband's elderly grandma is quite picky of everything... she'll make me get up for petty things even though she knows I've done all my chores and need to rest.

Although it's extremely exhausting and I barely get to sit down and have time to myself let alone husband (he works out of city mon-fri) I find it rewarding and it's taught me to have patience.

Fast forward to them finding out I'm pregnant (August)... they were so happy to finally become grandparents. Very overprotective what I do to the point they were stopping me from doing housework and forcing me to rest.

However now currently at 15 weeks; I find myself back to the pre-pregnancy me. Today was my last straw. Doing housework and taking my MIL and grandma out and waiting in a STANDSTILL traffic for 1.5 hours... my stomach was hurting badly from being sat for so long. I got no sympathy from MIL. Her only comments were, I'm glad your FIL didn't drive he would have lost the plot from waiting.

I always seem to have a 'yes' approach to their demands as that's my duty as DIL. However am I wrong for feeling like this? Feeling like they might ruin my chance of finally having a healthy pregnancy that can go to full term?

Hubby already threatened them last time as I was helping out with SILs birthday and cooking/doing decorations and standing up for 6 hours. He told them if anything happens to his baby he will hold them responsible and that did have some affect on them for a while. However they seem to have gone back to their ways.

I feel like they rely on me too much and lack common sense. Should I speak to Hubby again? I don't know how long I can live like this 😢

P.s in-laws are genuinely really sweet and caring but they also lack understanding that too much is put on me and one person alone can't deal with so much especially being pregnant

Hmm, this is difficult. My instinct would be to tell them to piss off, but I understand why you can't do this.

But at some point these cultures do change. Look around, and you will find other women of your culture who don't live with their in-laws.

I would guess the reason why they're so demanding of you is because they feel it's their turn to be waited on hand and foot. Be honest with yourself, do you want your children to feel obligated to run after you AND your in-laws when they grow up? I suspect your in-laws are not that old. In these type of cultures early marriage and having children is standard so I can't imagine they are over 60. They are fully capable of looking after themselves. They did before, didn't they? The daughters would only have done 'everything' for about 10 years before they got married and left the home.

So you need to start to put your foot down. You are not obligated to do EVERYTHING for them. And you certainly don't have to do things to THEIR standards (like cooking all meals from scratch, or catering to their fussiness).

This will only get worse once you have your baby. They'll want to sit and hold the baby while you run around doing everything. They will want to discipline, set rules for behaviour etc.

You need to find the strength to stand up to this now. and honestly, you shouldn't have to live with them while your husband is away from home. Why aren't you living together wherever it is that he works? That might be the easiest thing. He deserves to have his family with him, doesn't he? And this would give you the ability to move away, perhaps returning on occasional weekends.

I am 19weeks pregnant. I have three children and trust me when I say they have even less sympathy and more demands than your in laws. Toddlers and small children don't care at all if you are tired or need a break. House work doesn't disappear either. Unless you have a medical need to change, by and large life continues as normal. It won't cause a miscarriage either.

@calimommy. . I presume at least the OP's in laws don't jump on her back and demand she plays horsey or kick her in the stomach or try to pull her hair when they get grumpy and tired.

Having said that, they're grown adults and having another individual waiting on them hand and foot is not acceptable.

You just need to speak with them all. Yes, it will be a difficult conversation but it needs to happen.

I wonder whether this is also around what you want your role to be in the family, it may be more helpful to link up with people in a similar culture to you to gain support. As the views your getting here are westernised and aren't taking into account what is important to you and your culture.

You will soon have a child. Do you seriously want to bring up a son, who allows his wife to be treated like this or be married into a family, who treats a daughter like you are being treated?

When these traditions were set in place, the woman didn’t work. Now you both work and are expected to skivvy as well as being pregnant. Time to practice the word NO and find some self care. Get some counselling. You need it to stand up to this misogyny dressed up in culture.

You should move out and have your own life. Culture changes. It used to be the culture that kids went to work from a young age, little boys up chimneys. Women used to be the ‘property’ of their husbands and weren’t allowed to vote. But things change. It is entirely unnecessary for you to spend your life as a slave in 2020 UK and a culture that requires this is one that needs to change. It’s a horrible situation for you, IMO it would be worth upsetting your in-laws in order to have a happier, more contemporary life for you and your child.

It is the sons duty to look after his parents, not yours. Your husband is away all week, why do you not go with him? You are married to him, not his family. I'm saying this as someone who understands your cultural background.

In my culture if you live with the in-laws and the husband goes away for work or any other reason the wife goes back to her parents house. I know you said this isn't possible but you need to find a solution.

You are not their slave, I understand helping out but this is above and beyond. This will affect the time you give to your future child and it may get neglected if you continue running around after them.

Could part of your discussion with them include having paid help in the house or would this not be allowed? I agree with the posters who say that it's down to you to either accept this way of life or change it for you and your children. It's not about the baby it's about treating you with respect and them adapting to more western ways. I'd get your husband on side but it needs to be you who sorts it out as it's your issue and you don't need a mouthpiece. Good luck.

Your post made me cry OP, that a woman in the UK in 2020 can have so few rights and be subject to slavery.,that's what unpaid drudgery is.

You deserve so, so, much better.

Try this little exercise..?

Lie back in a comfy private place, and close your eyes. Think about the next few days, weeks, months. Think about becoming heavily pregnant, going into labour, having a newborn. How do you want all these things to play out?

Who is there, Who is doing the various chores? Who is helping you, and what with? Picture a happy day for you in your home - what does it look like? Imagine as much detail as possible.

Now fast forward a few years. You have a son or daughter, maybe even two! What do you want them to see and experience from their role models growing up? What is home life like in your ideal scenario? What kind of lives are they going to start to lead? Will they slot into the exact same expectations that you have, or will it be different for them?

Really go into detail on imaginary scenarios, scenes, conversations.. Who do YOU want to be in five or ten years? If you had a daughter, how would she be living at your age now, ideally?

There are a million questions you can ask yourself, and just have fun Imagining it all within the privacy of your own mind. Nobody need know any of the things you can have fun imagining!

At the moment this is just a day dream, but it will help you see your own needs clearly.

And in time, you can gently educate everyone else in your life as to what is best for you.

They clearly love you, but find it too easy to just take advantage of these cultural norms. I think if a member of my family was expected to do all the chores I’d find it easy to let that happen too

Here is a great saying: ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ - you have to take responsibility & look after your own needs first, before you can look after anyone else. It’s not selfish, it’s practical and the sign of a strong, loving person.

Only once you know what you really want, can you start to make changes to improve how you feel about your lifestyle and the family’s expectations of you.

Wishing you strength, faith in yourself and a very happy pregnancy x

It's impossible to understand another's culture when it's as different as this.
A question to think about, then the baby is born do they get to swan about holding the baby and you get to carry on being Cinderella

Blimey your pregnant not ill. Many pregnant women spend 6 hours or more or more on their feet at work, then have to come home and look after kids and start on the housework. That said why’s it down to you to be a slave to these people? How did they cope before you moved in?

Also I am epileptic and stress/anxiety triggers it off. Hence why hubby can get protective about this.

Should you be driving in that case?

Can you imagine if you have to have a section? Then what?

Frankly I would let my husband cut ties with his family if the alternative was remaining an unpaid slave in 2020. Is this honestly a future you want for your children?

And yes, why are you driving if you are epileptic? That is absolutely not allowed.

@Gerdticker

Lovely post 💐

@Spagbolpls 💐💐💐

Cultural expectations are incredibly difficult to navigate, especially when the vast majority of the population don't really understand the pressure to conform.

Perhaps DH could have a conversation with the household and explain that you both respect them all and understand the "normal " situation but your pregnancy is high risk? Is it possible that they don't know how difficult your pregnancy is and that they are (unwittingly) making it harder for you?

I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and hope that you and DP can find a way forward that works for you and your extended family 💐

@FilthyforFirth and @Angelina82

Epileptics are allowed to drive in the UK! As long as the epilepsy is controlled (evidenced by a Dr/Consultant to DVLA) then there is no reason for @Spagbolpls not to drive.

Fair enough @7catsisnotenough. A close family member is epileptic and not allowed to drive so I just assumed. Apologies.

Thank you @7catsisnotenough

@Spagbolpls

I actually can't sleep because I'm so angry and annoyed!! I don't want this to be a very long post so will try my best to summarise it all.

I live with my in-laws and as it's part of my culture, I tend to their needs that being; cooking, cleaning, house chores, paper work, phone calling, driving to places, shopping etc. Husband's elderly grandma is quite picky of everything... she'll make me get up for petty things even though she knows I've done all my chores and need to rest.

Although it's extremely exhausting and I barely get to sit down and have time to myself let alone husband (he works out of city mon-fri) I find it rewarding and it's taught me to have patience.

Fast forward to them finding out I'm pregnant (August)... they were so happy to finally become grandparents. Very overprotective what I do to the point they were stopping me from doing housework and forcing me to rest.

However now currently at 15 weeks; I find myself back to the pre-pregnancy me. Today was my last straw. Doing housework and taking my MIL and grandma out and waiting in a STANDSTILL traffic for 1.5 hours... my stomach was hurting badly from being sat for so long. I got no sympathy from MIL. Her only comments were, I'm glad your FIL didn't drive he would have lost the plot from waiting.

I always seem to have a 'yes' approach to their demands as that's my duty as DIL. However am I wrong for feeling like this? Feeling like they might ruin my chance of finally having a healthy pregnancy that can go to full term?

Hubby already threatened them last time as I was helping out with SILs birthday and cooking/doing decorations and standing up for 6 hours. He told them if anything happens to his baby he will hold them responsible and that did have some affect on them for a while. However they seem to have gone back to their ways.

I feel like they rely on me too much and lack common sense. Should I speak to Hubby again? I don't know how long I can live like this 😢

P.s in-laws are genuinely really sweet and caring but they also lack understanding that too much is put on me and one person alone can't deal with so much especially being pregnant

Please get your husband to speak to them as I was pregnant and had epilepsy, it's scary as it is you don't need the pressure and stress. I'd stop doing as much, because at the end of the day happy mum = happy baby, not to mention your mental health too.

I know you've mentioned culture which I can respect but the health of you and your baby should surely transcend it?

Meh, fifty or sixty years ago that was the culture here. Women had to leave work in the civil service and some banks in NI at least when they got married!!!!

Cultures can and should change. The culture is making you so angry you can’t sleep.

Decide that YOU are now the matriarch and therefore everyone needs to do what you say. Even imagining how this would play out will give you ideas on how to shift the narrative.

@FilthyforFirth no worries 💐 It's on a case by case basis. DB is epileptic, controlled, and allowed to drive. He initially had his license suspended for a year for Dr/Consultant to get his meds right and evidence that his epilepsy was under control (adult onset)

Hi OP

I think I can relate to you.
Much of my culture is what you have described above.
I live with my in laws but I’m not their maid. Everyone has a role to play in the family, and we all get along and there is understanding amongst us.

You don’t have to live the way you are. You’ve been living that way for so long, it seems odd to you to ‘break free’.

Before hubby and I got married I told him. I was born and brought up in the UK so I cannot live the lifestyle that is expected in the culture.

So talk to your husband and tell your MiL that you’re tired and need rest!
They can’t say anything to you because the generation THEY grew up in doesn’t exist anymore!

We’re in 2020, and you need to look after you first!!

Since your DH has a grandmother still alive I assume his parents are not that old. I understand it is a cultural norm for them but it seems inexplicably bizarre to me that if physically well they would expect you to look after them and do their chores just because you are married to their son.

You are free to move out and live independently, just you, DH and baby when he/she arrives. If his parents cut contact, then they are responsible for that, older generations are not incapable of adjusting to the changing times and to the culture of where they live. If they choose to put traditions above a relationship with their family that is up to them.

It doesn't sound like that is something you will do or would be comfortable with though, so in that case all you can do is try to make small changes and be firm about what you tolerate while living with them.