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Original poster

DH doesn't want us to keep baby

42 replies

1000buttons · 01/11/2020 18:33

After a stupid, well really really stupid moment of madness I have found myself pregnant.
5 weeks.
I already have 2 DC, the oldest is at primary school and the youngest is under a year old.

I do worry about the financial aspect of having 3. We would struggle (relatively). I also worry about my career but untimely I'm of the mindset of it's happened so I will have baby3 and try as hard as possible to make sure all of them get what they need.

DH wants me to have a termination as he thinks we can't afford to have a nice lifestyle with a third child and he is too tired, too stretched as it is. And wants to enjoy the 2 we have.

Any advice?
Not looking for the 'you were stupid to get pregnant' lines because I am well aware of that already.

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JocelynSchitt · 01/11/2020 18:33

What do you want?

FTMF30 · 01/11/2020 18:55

How do you think your husband would take it if you went ahead and had the baby? Would he support you? It may be very difficult caring for a newborn (and yourself) with two DC in the mix and a DH who won't help because he didn't want a third anyway.

Also, how old are you? Are you in good health? Were there any complications in either of your previous pregnancies?

No one can tell you what to do, even your husband. But I do think his feelings should be considered. Make sure you weigh up your options and think of your support network if you do decide to go ahead.

You must be in turmoil now but I'm sure you'll feel a little better once you've made a decision, whatever it may be 💐.

madcatladyforever · 01/11/2020 18:57

I think you need to consider whether he would leave you and how you would survive with three children if he did.

pinkyredrose · 01/11/2020 18:59

Do you want the baby?

Halo1234 · 01/11/2020 19:04

Keep the baby. I have 2 and dont want a third but in your situation I would keep the baby. That was your first thought and a termination wasn't your suggestion or thought process it was your husbands. As hard as it is its done now and I am sure in time it will be one of the best things that happend. It will be hard. It will be stressful but living for the rest of your life with regret is not a better alternative. Just my thoughts and obviously you need to do whats right for you but I wont have a termination if my initial thoughts were to keep.

Justjoshin22 · 01/11/2020 19:21

Sorry to hear you’re in this situation OP. I echo what @FTMF30 said - those are all factors to consider, but ultimately only you can make the decision. You have a gut feeling so that’s probably what you should follow... but you also need to consider the impact of another baby on your marriage and relationships in your life.
Good luck

CodenameVillanelle · 01/11/2020 19:23

It's your choice, 100% but it will impact on your family if you keep it. Is it worth it? That's your decision to make.

grapewine · 01/11/2020 19:27

@madcatladyforever

I think you need to consider whether he would leave you and how you would survive with three children if he did.
This. Also, would you be able to be the mother you want to be for the children already here, if you have a third? Even if he stayed.

It's your body and your decision, though, of course. Good luck.

Readysetcake · 01/11/2020 19:29

I was in your situation and chose to terminate. But it was MY choice. My DH did!’t want a third but would have accepted it if I said I wanted to keep it. But deep down I knew I was only just coping with the two I have. I wanted to be the best mum I could be for the children I already had. I knew a third would have broken me and meant being a shit mum to three innocent kids. I have my moments of guilt, and sadness that I had to go through it. But I know I made the right choice.

Good luck with your decision. But most importantly it is your decision. I think if deep down you want the baby then you would really regret a termination. Don’t do anything just to please your DH as that would lead to resentment and eat away at your marriage.

Crystal90567 · 01/11/2020 19:46

If you terminate to placate your husband it is probable to be the end of your marriage.
You're already calling the pregnancy a baby.

People cope very well with 3, 4 or even 5 or more children.

Calligraphy572 · 01/11/2020 19:51

Only have a termination if it is what you want. Because yes, he may leave if you have the baby against his wishes, but equally you may never forgive him for forcing you into a termination that you did not want.

Hystericaluterus · 01/11/2020 19:51

What Crystal said

Christmasfairy2020 · 01/11/2020 19:54

We can't tell you what to do.

You want a 3rd child and can manage been a single parent- keep

You cant and want to enjoy your youngest and have a career - get rid

Floopyandtired · 01/11/2020 19:55

I found out I was pregnant when my first was only 8 months old. I agonised but decided what was best for my family and my mental health was to have a termination. However, this was my decision, my partner would have supported whatever I’d chosen. You have the same choice; if you want to have the baby, you have every right to do that. Likewise if you don’t. But ultimately it has to be your decision, no one else’s. Good luck whatever you decide x

Derbee · 01/11/2020 19:58

Suggest that your partner has a vasectomy immediately. If he won’t, he’s got even less right to suggest you have a termination. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Derbee · 01/11/2020 19:59

@Christmasfairy2020 your cold language is disgusting and not helpful

FippertyGibbett · 01/11/2020 19:59

Do what you want to do, what you feel comfortable doing.
Do not be railroaded or blackmailed into something you don’t want.
💐

AdultHumanFemale · 01/11/2020 20:12

I second Calligraphy; there is no coming back from a coerced termination. I have tried and failed. Be very honest with yourself to see if you are talking yourself into / letting yourself be talked into a termination. If you can, have some counselling with an impartial provider such as BPAS or Marie Stopes (careful not to pick a religiously backed group).
Wishing you all the best Flowers

mw90 · 01/11/2020 20:50

I was in this situation, I chose to keep the baby, when I first found out DH wanted me to have a termination, well it was more worrying if things would be stretched etc, my heart wasn't in it so I had a proper talk saying if I was to go through with it, it would affect the relationship. Things always have a way of working out in the long run. Go with your gut feeling and good luck with whatever you decide x

olivesonapizza · 02/11/2020 06:57

I hope you're ok OP.

It's so early in the pregnancy that my advice would be just to give everything a few days to settle. Your DH may change his mind once he's had time to think about it, he may have been in shock when he first found out. In the meantime, you can take a few days to figure out what you want to do if he doesn't change his mind.

Good luck ♥️

SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2020 07:01

3 from 2 can be a big jump financially - do they fit on the house, the car, not all covered by free child's places etc. but it depends on what you mean by stretched. Have to downgrade lifestyle but still be comfortable or end up on the brink financially and struggle to provide even the basics.

However if DH talked me into an abortion I didn't want, I'm not sure our marriage would survive.

mam0918 · 02/11/2020 12:26

@Crystal90567

If you terminate to placate your husband it is probable to be the end of your marriage. You're already calling the pregnancy a baby.

People cope very well with 3, 4 or even 5 or more children.

this...

people saying 'will he stay with you or support you?' need not bother because honestly you will resent him and it will be the end anyway if you kill your baby (as crystal said your own words so it pretty much answers itself) just to appease him

mam0918 · 02/11/2020 12:34

@Derbee

Suggest that your partner has a vasectomy immediately. If he won’t, he’s got even less right to suggest you have a termination. Good luck with whatever you decide.
This is another convosation to have too in all seriousness... you cant put the toothpaste back in the tube, this pregnancy is here right now but if you both are absoloutly certain you dont want anymore then you should look at options to stop future risk of pregnancy.

I would warn you not to rush into it right now though wait until the conclusion of this part of your story because I truely hope you dont end up in a heartbreaking situation out of your control but MC is always a risk and many women with 'suprise' pregnancies like this often do bond during the pregnancy and go on to want to try again if they unfortunately suffer a loss.

mam0918 · 02/11/2020 12:37

@Christmasfairy2020

We can't tell you what to do.

You want a 3rd child and can manage been a single parent- keep

You cant and want to enjoy your youngest and have a career - get rid

yes because the birth of a child automatically removes enjoyment from all previous children Hmm

what a ridiculous thing to say, millions of women have careers and children and enjoyment

Emeeno1 · 02/11/2020 12:41

If you want to do this then you can, many of us here have brothers and sisters who would not be here in this 'we can only have a baby if we can give it the best' world. In fact many of us would not be here!

Children to not need stuff, or experiences, or holidays, or any of the many things we seem to think are essential to life now.

BUT, if you do not want to go ahead with the pregnancy then that is absolutely your choice and your right ( I had a termination in March). This is not about him, this is about you.

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