DH doesn't want us to keep baby

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After a stupid, well really really stupid moment of madness I have found myself pregnant.
5 weeks.
I already have 2 DC, the oldest is at primary school and the youngest is under a year old.

I do worry about the financial aspect of having 3. We would struggle (relatively). I also worry about my career but untimely I'm of the mindset of it's happened so I will have baby3 and try as hard as possible to make sure all of them get what they need.

DH wants me to have a termination as he thinks we can't afford to have a nice lifestyle with a third child and he is too tired, too stretched as it is. And wants to enjoy the 2 we have.

Any advice?
Not looking for the 'you were stupid to get pregnant' lines because I am well aware of that already.

OP, you don't owe us an update but just wanted to say I've been thinking of you and I hope you are ok.

OP, you don't owe us an update but just wanted to say I've been thinking of you and I hope you are ok.

OP, you don't owe us an update but just wanted to say I've been thinking of you and I hope you are ok.

Definitely don't have a termination on the basis that he might leave you if you don't. That's terrible advice! If he's the sort of man who would leave his family because of the arrival of a new baby that he is 50% responsible for creating, then he's the sort of man who could well leave at some point anyway. I would much rather be alone with 3 beautiful babies than have a termination and find myself alone with just 2 of those babies anyway a few years down the line.

Definitely don't have a termination on the basis that he might leave you if you don't. That's terrible advice! If he's the sort of man who would leave his family because of the arrival of a new baby that he is 50% responsible for creating, then he's the sort of man who could well leave at some point anyway. I would much rather be alone with 3 beautiful babies than have a termination and find myself alone with just 2 of those babies anyway a few years down the line.

Definitely don't have a termination on the basis that he might leave you if you don't. That's terrible advice! If he's the sort of man who would leave his family because of the arrival of a new baby that he is 50% responsible for creating, then he's the sort of man who could well leave at some point anyway. I would much rather be alone with 3 beautiful babies than have a termination and find myself alone with just 2 of those babies anyway a few years down the line.

Definitely don't have a termination on the basis that he might leave you if you don't. That's terrible advice! If he's the sort of man who would leave his family because of the arrival of a new baby that he is 50% responsible for creating, then he's the sort of man who could well leave at some point anyway. I would much rather be alone with 3 beautiful babies than have a termination and find myself alone with just 2 of those babies anyway a few years down the line.

You’ve made the decesion. You want to keep the baby.

I agree with Crystal et al, if you terminate, you will regret it, and will probably resent your dh for this.

Having a third child doesn’t stop you enjoying the two you have.

Thank you all for your comments.
They've been helpful.

I have a phone consultation with Marie Stopes tomorrow. If they agree, I am sent two pills 3 days later.
My partner has given me his reasons for not wanting number3. While I agree with almost all of them (particularly re: finances, time spent helping our 2dc, lack of childcare help, any complications resulting in a DC with a disability would be hard with the 2 we already have). I really get his points. He says he wouldn't leave if there was another DC but he 100% would prefer for there not to be. He says he is exhausted and drained already. And he wants to give our 2 the best life possible.
But there's still a part of me that just wants to carry on with the pregnancy and face the consequences. It's the hardest decision. I've had a very painful and upsetting few days with all of this running around in my brain.

Good luck OP, I hope the conversation goes well and helps you to reach a decision x

This might be an unpopular opinion, but it absolutely is his decision as well as yours. He can't help biology and the fact women carry the child. Accidents happen, and we all have sex with our partners... you're jointly responsible for getting pregnant, you're also jointly responsible for deciding what you do next.

You're really stuck between a rock and a hard place OP, because if you have the baby you're forcing your DH to become a dad for the third time when he's made it clear he doesn't want to be. I'm sure he'll love the baby and all, but he may end up resenting you for making the decision for both of you. If you decide to terminate, then you may end up resenting him later if you're not 100% sold on the decision.

I would advise you sit down together and really go through the finances, including getting extra help to alleviate the pressure of another child and see if you can make it work. If not, you have to come to this decision together, as partners.

Hi OP. I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel!

I am 29 weeks with DC4 and actually have the box of pills to terminate the pregnancy from Marie Stopes still shoved under my bed!
My DH was adamant he didn't want another baby. We had all the same financial conversations etc.
The day the box arrived I cried. I would have gone through with it however, it became clear to both of us that I would not be able to live with myself and he decided that he loved my 'peace of mind' more than our current lifestyle and accepted he would get used to another child.

My DH took a while but is now completely on board with this pregnancy. I don't think our marriage would have survived a termination.

That is just my story. You will both need to reach a conclusion together. It is so hard and I am so sorry for you. Xxx

OP you if don't feel you want an abortion then having one would be very wrong if you do it because your DP wants you to. How would you ever feel the same about him if you had aborted because he wanted to to? He might have good reasons for not wanting another child but he participated in the making of one and now it's there. If you have a strong feeling that you want this baby then don't abort and then he might want to get a vasectomy if he's not happy about sex making children rather than just believing you should get an abortion.

“ But there's still a part of me that just wants to carry on with the pregnancy and face the consequences. ”.

This sentence tells me you don’t want to abort, and you will regret it. Can you put in any measures to help the concerns he has?

I completely get the heart/head. I do want to echo what a PP said, can your car fit 3 car seats? Is your house big enough? You will no doubt need a double buggy, depending on how much of an age gap there is you might not be able to hand down any clothing, cot, etc so will need to buy more. What if this is twins? Financially have you crunched the numbers for childcare or school wraparound care? What about holidays? What type do you usually have? Will 3 children be an issue for bedrooms/hotel rooms?

As a child with 2 siblings, Dh and I only ever wanted 2 children. One parent each for each child on the park or rides at a theme park. No roll away extra bed in hotel rooms, no family tickets that only cover 2 adults and 2 children. One parent being able to hold the hand of each child. I am lucky that I wasn't the oldest. My sister got a really shit deal, couldn't hold my Mum's hand as she was holding mine and my other sibling. It cut her deeply. She also felt left out a lot as there isn't even 18 months between me and my sibling so we were thick as thieves.

My children are now teenagers but we still prioritise spending one on one time with each child. Meaning if I go out and take one child, Dh is left with the other one. I never felt we got that as kids because there was another child in there.

Also considering the cost of university, 3 children is a lot to fork out for much further down the road.

This is a really tough situation and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's such a personal thing and not a decision anyone else can take but you and your partner. Grumpy19 made a great comment above about her experience.

I think right now it's a shock for both of you, and it's totally understandable that he's freaking out. Maybe let the dust settle for a couple of weeks (I don't know how long you have with the Marie Stopes tablets?), keep talking through it, sit with the tablets in front of you, the instructions and what it means for you both and how you'll feel afterwards.

How are you OP?