Not having partner at scan...?

[faithfulbird]

Can we just talk about how crappy this is? I didn't have him for the first one (I was alright as I was so happy to see a baby after a miscarriage). Second scan at 20 weeks...The joy of seeing my baby with my partner was taken away. I kinda felt lonely....I'm actually scared about being in labour alone....

My trust changed the rules recently- only found out because I asked and they are now allowed at scans.
Didn’t bother me so much as it’s our second but felt very sorry for first timers- private scan businesses must be seeing a boom.

My trust changed the day before my 12 week scan but I didn’t realise and went without my partner. It was weird experiencing the joy of the first scan without him. we booked a private scan for a few days later, which was good because at the first scan the screen wasn’t able to be tilted so I barely saw anything.
I’ve just got the letter through for my 20 week one, even though partners are allowed, due to childcare he won’t be able to attend. I’m in a region where there is a stricter lockdown so childcare is a bit limited. Rather than being excited I’m sort of dreading it because it’s something we should enjoy together.

I’m also worried about labouring alone. Again because where I am is now under stricter restrictions I am so worried the hospitals will revert back to not allowing partners in until in fully established labour. My labour with my last baby was only 47 minutes long so if this is anything similar I will need DP to be very close by!

Over the course of this year, a woman has fought for her life, recovered, relapsed, recovered, and so on, then finally died, alone. Her husband of half a century has not been able to go to the hospital because of Covid.

Possibly, a sense of proportion may sometimes make people feel a little better? As the wise man said "I wept, because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet"

This is genuinely not meant to imply any criticism, only to possibly help with another perspective.

I’ve been to about five scans alone this pregnancy. It doesn’t bother me any more. It’s not great but after my 12 week scan experience, the rest have seemed easy. We got a high NT measurement at the 12 week scan, immediately referred to the high risk midwives, talked through Down Syndrome risks and options, CVS and aminos. I had to do that all by myself, and then the follow up scan the next day while my poor DH sat in the car worrying and feeling helpless. That was pretty awful. By the 20 week scan, I was just happy there was no bad news! Had several growth scans since, all alone. Not ideal but not the end of the world. I’m more worried about labour..... 😬

I dont think men are even as into it all as we think.. they just tag along and say the right things.. they enjoy all the baby stuff at a later date.. dont worry its not a big deal

We found out we were pregnant in the first day of lockdown (due in four weeks😍) and so I’ve had to face everything in hospital alone. I do feel like we’ve really missed out. It’s our first, much wanted and much planned for baby. However, as it’s our first I guess I’m lucky that I don’t have a better experience to compare it to.

I’m now more worried about the prospect of going back into lockdown and baby not being able to socialise or go to baby groups which I feel are vital for development and something that cannot be undone or clawed back at a later stage 😞

@SadSack39 mine is more into it than me probably 😁
Not interested in labour and birth but pregnancy and baby is definitely his everyday concern and so are scans.
It really depends...

It is rubbish but the way I see it is that it keeps essential maternity services going. If there are 2 people attending the scan that doubles the chance of the sonographer catching Covid and before they know they have it they could pass it on to other staff leading the maternity unit massively short staffed which is the last thing anyone wants.

I agree it's shit but they are just trying to keep the service going the best they can.

@NerrSnerr I actually think that’s a brilliant way of looking at it!

@MrsR87 just to reassure you, I had a baby who was about 10 weeks when all classes started getting cancelled and we went into full lockdown. I actually think having all the time with her at home massively helped her development as she had so much of our attention all the time, it hasn’t affected her one bit! I’d actually never bother with a baby group before about 6 months next time, she would just sleep or feed through the few we did get to go to, in terms of her development I don’t think they were that beneficial at such a young age. So if it does happen and you don’t get to go, don’t worry too much😊

@MrsR87 I’m similar. I’m due in 3 weeks. I’ve already struggled through a HG pregnancy lockdown with a toddler. The idea of a second hitting just as the newborn arrives seems particularly cruel. Although, as long as DH can be with me in labour, that’s the main thing. I’m fully anticipating a boring winter, hoping to snuggle up inside and just cuddle and feed baby (would be easier without a toddler to entertain on top!). Hoping things are easier by the spring. Baby classes before 6 months are a bit pointless anyway, more for mums to socialise and not go insane!

Think it's totally normal to feel like this, you decided to have a baby together and it's unfair he misses out and you don't have that support! I was gutted my OH couldn't come to my 12 week scan and I know there's people out there who've got it tougher but it doesn't take away the fact this was supposed to be a special time for you as a couple so you have every right to feel like this. I will never understand the logic behind it considering most people are in the same bubble as their OH so saying the sonographer is more likely to get it if there's two of you is crap... hope the rules change before your labour OP, good luck 😘

I’m way more worried about labour- I had a relatively quick first labour and I worry he won’t get the 4cm call to come up in time. With no one to swear at how will I cope

I’ve had to have all my NHS scans on my own too so totally know how you feel. The week after my 20 week scan the rules changed. Like a lot of other I’ve ended up paying for private scans throughout my pregnancy so that my husband could see as this is our first & possibly only child.
The thought of going into labour/giving birth soon is terrifying as the rules keep changing.

I’m 32wks and having my 3rd but my oldest 2 were with my ex husband and he treated me awfully when I was pregnant with my 2nd so I didn’t actually really want to have another child. But I met a great man and we decided to have a child together. Last year I had a miscarriage and would not have coped at the confirmation scan without my partner with me.

We decided to have one last try and having this baby. I was petrified of going to scan alone so much I delayed it until 18wks. I’ve had to have regular growth scans so have got used to going myself and we did have a private scan so partner could see baby too.

I have diabetes Andy have to be induced early and the thought of maybe being by myself some of the time is filling me with dread. Will have to stay in a minimum of 24hrs so mine and baby’s blood sugar levels can be checked and makes me feel sad that partner will not be allowed to stay with us and if visiting still allowed he will only be able to be with us 1hr.

I understand that some women may not care they are alone for scans/appointments/labour but I really feel women should be able to have someone they trust with them especially if they’ve had bad experiences previously.

The scans suck alone. Maybe worth speaking to your midwife about what your hospital is doing regarding labour. Mine is your partner can’t come in until 4cm dilated so either wait it out at home or they will call partner when your 4cm. I’m planning on doing as much at home as possible. I haven’t heard of anywhere where you have to go through labour on your own

Yep, I agree, it’s really crap. I get the reasons, I agree with them on the whole, but it’s still rubbish. Just had my third baby so wasn’t quite as bad but I really feel for first time mums. Labour was actually ok though, we were in a midwife led unit and DH was able to come in straight away (thankfully as I had her very soon after arriving), I’d been really worried about the Covid aspect of it all and actually it was a really nice experience (as nice as labour can ever be anyway!!)

I agree. I am quite likely to end up being induced. When I asked the MW about DH whilst labour is induced to being established, she said he could wait in the hospital cafe!! How is it better he sits in a busy cafe then joins me hours later rather than being in a room with just me? 🤷‍♀️

[quote thetangleteaser]@NerrSnerr I actually think that’s a brilliant way of looking at it!

@MrsR87 just to reassure you, I had a baby who was about 10 weeks when all classes started getting cancelled and we went into full lockdown. I actually think having all the time with her at home massively helped her development as she had so much of our attention all the time, it hasn’t affected her one bit! I’d actually never bother with a baby group before about 6 months next time, she would just sleep or feed through the few we did get to go to, in terms of her development I don’t think they were that beneficial at such a young age. So if it does happen and you don’t get to go, don’t worry too much😊[/quote]
Thank you for letting me know. That’s really helpful!

It hasn't really bothered me tbh but this is my second. I might have been upset had it been my first.

Could you book a private scan to go to together?

I've not been too bothered about it, I was gutted initially but then figured well it's not just me who can't were all in the same boat but also he made no difference being there the first time round, he just isn't as into it as some may be. But I'm ok with that, although to find out it was twins on my own was a shock it wouldn't have been less shocking if he was there only that I wouldn't have had to phone and tell him. I have recently had some growth concerns and was referred to specialist I went on my own even though my partner could have come with me. I was more happy to go on my own as he would have got bored waiting around.
I also think it's actually been really good in some ways as it has meant those in controlling relationships have had that open time when they are in a safe environment and not been forced into having partners there whether they want them there or not. I do feel it has been an open door for those to seek help if they have wanted it/felt able to ask.
If I'm induced I think I'd be better off with him not being there for the entire time as he will again be bored, plus we have an18 month old he can care for until he needs to come in for the birth but also I can do what I need to do, watch shit films or just anything he might not have wanted lol.
I do feel it's probably a little shitty for first time mums and then more difficult when there has been terrible news though don't get me wrong!

I had both my scans with no partner there - I asked if he would be allowed in if there was bad news & was told of course. Interestingly enough, the sonographer said that no one had really asked her that.

I liked the fact that it was very quiet and calm in the waiting room. In contrast to apparently what it’s normally like, where it’s packed with multiple people and pregnant women have to actively ask for a seat.

I’m due in 9 weeks & it is what it is. Plenty of others have sacrificed enough during this pandemic, I’m no worse off than others.

For those talking about the need to have some perspective, I can see your point and that could be a healthy way of trying to view things if you’re having a healthy pregnancy with straightforward scans. However, this has not been the case for many women who have had to receive devastating news alone, either being told that their baby has no heartbeat or that there are serious complications with the pregnancy, with life changing decisions to be made. Then there are often follow up scans which are very nerve wracking. The psychological impact of all of this cannot yet be known - not to mention how partners must feel when they have so little involvement. That’s before we get to the birth and post natal care. So yes, it’s a crappy situation and whether you’re having a straightforward pregnancy or not, it’s totally valid to feel that way.

@MaverickDanger

I had both my scans with no partner there - I asked if he would be allowed in if there was bad news & was told of course. Interestingly enough, the sonographer said that no one had really asked her that.

I liked the fact that it was very quiet and calm in the waiting room. In contrast to apparently what it’s normally like, where it’s packed with multiple people and pregnant women have to actively ask for a seat.

I’m due in 9 weeks & it is what it is. Plenty of others have sacrificed enough during this pandemic, I’m no worse off than others.

Now that people’s partners are allowed into 12 & 20 week scans the waiting rooms are a nightmare. I’m consultant led so all my appointments are at the hospital. The amount of people & their partners standing about the waiting room either A. Not wearing masks or B. Not wearing them correctly (nose out) gives me so much anxiety.

I’ve never been so much bothered about it. I don’t even think that I pressured my husband or take days off for most of my scans. Why would I? It’s so romanticised in this country and it feels weird. I feel like a husband/partner is with you everyday anyway, he can touch the pregnant belly, embrace, feel the movements. What does seeing a routine medical procedure in the hospital achieve (unless there are certain difficult circumstances). I had my babies ore covid. My husband was there during the first birth but not the second (we had no childcare for our older baby). I accepted the fact and it never actually made me sad. It is what it is. Most important is we are together now raising children.

I haven't had a scan alone, but my sister said she did and that it was uncomfortable. I feel sorry for you.