Pregnancy after infertility - normal?

[Labradormama1]

Hi everyone, mainly post over in infertility, but am nearly 36 weeks pregnant after 4 years trying, 3x miscarriages, extensive endo surgeries, 1 round of IVF resulting in TFMR at 15 weeks just last November, and now this natural miracle which I still find hard to believe, despite only having 3 weeks or so to go.
I'm still finding it hard not to feel bitter towards those who have had an 'easy' journey e.g. friends and more recently the NCT group I have done the antenatal online course with- which is ridiculous because I'm finally in the position I wanted to be in for so long (and know there are many others not so lucky, and maybe I'm lucky in other ways in which they aren't, I'm just not aware of individual circumstances). For example I find myself getting irrationally angry that they'll all manage to have 2nd/3rd children and I'll just get one - I really do know how stupid and ungrateful/ selfish that sounds, but these thoughts keep intruding my brain...
So why am I feeling like this?! Anyone been in the same position and can relate? Maybe I'm just an incredibly ungrateful person? It's really upsetting me and making me doubt myself. Kind words please - and maybe a (gentle) kick up the backside/ reality check. Would be especially nice to hear from anyone in or who has been in a similar position. Thank you!

I don't really get this to be honest. It took me twenty years to get pregnant, should I be bitter because it only took you four?

I think you need to remember that you know nothing about other people's lives. And though their fertility journey may have been easier, you know nothing about the other struggles they have going on. Your life will always be pretty unhappy if you only look at the bad things that have happened, rather than focusing on the good things that are going on right now.

@Juniperandrage thank you for your comment. I appreciate your point of view and confirms that I probably am being ridiculous... I just wish I could make the thoughts go away or have some reassurance that perhaps- all being well - when baby is here, I might gain a bit more perspective. Congratulations on your pregnancy

@Nimsay1 thank you, you are absolutely right. I will try to remember everything that I have, and not compare- doesn't get you anywhere really. I do actually believe this and try to live my life like this generally- which is why these thoughts have bothered me so much. Thanks for your input

I felt a little bitter because I never enjoyed my pregnancy. I was so anxious the whole time and I didn’t believe I was having a baby until he was in my arms. It would have been nice to experience the normal excitement alongside my nerves

We all think stupid things sometimes and hormones and years of heartache will be playing a bit part. But I'm sure once your little miracle arrives, your heart will be so full of love that you have no time for negative thoughts.

I think it's valid. Of course you have no idea about other people's journeys and maybe they had it as hard or harder than you but the reality is most people don't. Most people will get pregnant naturally within a year. It took 18 months to get DS and I used to get irritated (irrationally) with people who got pregnant straight away or without even trying. Then this pregnancy I fell first time so there's just no way to know anyone's story. I'm glad you finally got your baby, that must be a wonderful feeling. Enjoy and try not to compare yourself to others, it really is the thief of joy

I think you are being a bit ridiculous, but when you’ve struggled for so long, it’s an easy place to find yourself! You’ve acknowledged your feelings on it, you’re so close to having your much longed for baby in your arms, so do your best to ditch the negative feelings and enjoy these next few weeks.

Better to let these feelings out than have them eat away at you, but they won’t do you any good. Certainly not in my experience, anyway - 8 years of unexplained infertility, multiple failed IVFs and a ‘natural’ miracle on board presently over here - so I can empathise. Hugs. @Labradormama1, it can be a shitty place, but don’t let it spoil your last few weeks

I can relate to the general feeling. 7 years of treatments and losses here and now 32 weeks pregnant. On one hand I'm so, so thankful that I'm finally having a seemingly succesful pregnancy. On the other hand my family and friends all have bigger children now so I can't really talk about it with them since they're in a totally different phase. Plus when I do try to talk about it they take over the conversation and tell me how to give birth/breastfeed/parent since they know best. I'd like someone to just bloody listen to me like I used to listen to them. Makes me sad sometimes.

For what it's worth, I think you have a valid feeling. But maybe it's not resentment. Could it be that you perceive that others don't appreciate what they have? I'm sure they do, we don't know their stories but having lived through very similar a few times and even now with my happy healthy children I get caught out by how much I perceive others not appreciating what they have in their children. Human nature and not anything unreasonable.
Don't beat yourself up, focus on your last few weeks

I'm 32 weeks after 4 years of infertility, failed IVF, donor egg IVF and a subsequent early menopause diagnosis (I conceived while on HRT). Mentally I still consider myself infertile because the experiences I had while trying to conceive haven't been erased just because I'm pregnant. It is not logical, as you acknowledge in your OP but many, even most, people, receive so little psychological help and support while going through infertility that even when the outcome is a happy one (a pregnancy followed by a healthy baby) it's unrealistic to expect that most people wont still be mired in their previous grief, confusion, sadness etc. Your feelings don't have to be nice to be valid.

I guess what I'm saying is it's ok to still feel the complexity of what it took to get you here, it's also ok to have unpleasant feelings sometimes towards others' situations, we all do, not just about pregnancy, so anyone who says they've never felt angry or jealous or bitter about someone else's perceived good fortune is not being honest. If it were so easy to be serene and calm about all of life's ups and downs Mumsnet wouldn't exist!

I do get those thoughts sometimes and we were ‘only’ trying for 18 months before getting pregnant. It’s natural to have negative feelings from time to time I guess the difference is either 1) you can see they are unhelpful and you can control them or get past them. 2) they take over and you can’t control or manage them. If 2 I would definitely recommend speaking to a friend or counsellor. You’ve been through some really tough times and getting a little help to move forward and manage your feelings could be really positive.

My SIL always talked about how she absolutely never wanted kids her whole life, and then one day they called up and were pregnant. I was nice on the phone but once they hung up I just cried and cried. It took me a while to just be happy for them and not resent them. How come she could get pregnant and not even really want a kid and I always wanted children and was finding it so hard? I know it wasn’t rational or kind to feel that way, it just took a little while to get control of those thoughts and exchange them for kinder, healthier ones.

Thank you all for your comments and points of view - sometimes a reality check is definitely needed. But it is very reassuring to know that others have felt degrees of this - I think in particular like @PopcornPugs I have felt a bit robbed of the excitement of pregnancy (though I know not everyone gets this if they have difficult pregnancies) and perhaps that's what has driven these thoughts. It's so hard to accept good news when you're so used to the opposite I suppose. Still last few weeks to go! I know how lucky I am and I'm sure once baby is here the pain of the last few years will fade away a bit.

And huge congratulations to all those who are pregnant

At 36 weeks pregnant, your hormones are pretty wild and can make you very emotional, so don’t be too hard on yourself! It took us five years of treatment before we had our dd, and I felt very lucky that three of the six couples on our NCT course had also been through fertility treatment. If I had found myself only with the very young, got pregnant first time of trying couples, I know I would have found it much harder. As it was, over the following few years, watching some of the other families having second and third children, I did feel sad that we would never have that, while still being happy for them. It doesn’t help that sometimes the loveliest of people can be oblivious to how lucky they are to be able to easily conceive. They have been fortunate to never have to even think about the possibility it may never happen for them. I can remember my own sister, when I tried to explain the very low chance of IVF success being very dismissive and declaring “don’t be silly, of course it will work”!

I think what I am trying to say, is that it is only natural to feel a little bitter or angry, even while appreciating your good fortune. The blessing of a baby doesn’t undo the stress and trauma of the last few years, it takes time to move on from that, and it does effect your perceptions, because frankly you do have a different view on it to most people! There seems to be an expectation that no matter what your fertility journey has been (and yours sounds more traumatic than many), that once you have a baby, you should instantly move on and be grateful. Many people may be able to do just that, but for others, it takes a little longer to leave that stressful experience behind them. I still have occasional flashes of bitterness, but they are very occasional now, and mostly I just try and appreciate every day with my now 8 year old, Minecraft obsessed dd . I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly x

I totally get this! I felt the same way after my (now 13 year old) dd was conceived. If you've experienced infertility, all the baggage doesn't miraculously disappear overnight. I found I still had overwhelming feelings of jealousy and sadness when other women started having their second children because it seemed like everyone else just had to wish for a baby and it would happen. The feelings lessen over time I think but are perfectly understandable.

I can't thank you enough for such a kind post @Ephigenia you've summed it up exactly. Getting a bit teary...definitely the hormones! Thank you again for taking the time to comment

I totally relate to this. I felt immensely jealous and quite disconnected to nct groups etc.

Too tired to write more right now (6 week old won't sleep!) but feel free to pm x

I think this is also wrapped up in the fact that you are still pregnant. The whole idea of getting or staying pregnant has been part of your life for so long you are still in that zone. It is completely normal to feel pissed off that some people were not even trying and just fell pregnant, usually whilst on some form of contraception. To me, and probably you, contraception now feels like a joke, why was I taking it when I couldn't have gotten pregnant anyway?

This will fade once you have that baby in your arms, the reality of everything you have been through will lead you to that moment. It is so close now.

I haven't had the truly horrific journey you have had, I was just diagnosed with endo just after I got married and we weren't even trying for a baby. The sheer hell of meds, piling on weight, an induced chemical menopause when I was only 27 (same meds as IVF egg harvesting except I took it for 6 months) taking HRT to protect my bones, then told sorry, your endo is really aggressive and now its surgery time. God I was pissed off.

Then 3 months later back for a post-op check up and told despite everything it is back, again. We were told to start trying for a baby because it would mean in a year we could go down the clomid and then IVF route. 2 weeks later I was naturally pregnant even my gynae was shocked.

That baby is now 17 and 3 years later I conceived naturally again with several months of trying, that one is now 14. Miracles do happen, your pregnancy is a miracle too. You need to shift your focus from getting pregnant to being a Mum. Congratulations

Bless you for your honesty in writing this post. As someone above said; you need to remind yourself that you have no idea what is going on in someone else’s life.
I have waited 22 years for the pregnancy I finally have now. My sister had three healthy children in her twenties ... then one of them died in her sleep, suddenly aged 10. Then there’s the friend in a loveless marriage, the one desperately wanting a marriage and yet on her own for years and years, or the other friend struggling with a chronic illness.

Everyone has their own pain and struggles. They are not always visible. Please try to enjoy this child you have been given, be grateful and happy. Some of these people with many kids will have some other struggle going on that you know nothing about.

Go gentle on yourself right now, you are full of pregnancy hormones. I pray the birth goes well for you and that you thoroughly enjoy being a mum!

I’m really glad you posted this @Labradormama1, even though it’s brought to the fore a lot of feelings for many of us, I suspect.

Enjoy the next few weeks and I hope the pain of the past few years fades for you, and the others who have found it so tough.

My earlier years of infertility definitely affected my feelings when I finally got pregnant and in early motherhood.
Infertility is such a deep pain it takes a while to get over it.
Be easy on yourself.
I think my baby was about 1 year old when I finally believed/accepted I was a mother, strange as that may seem to people.

I really believe once your little baby arrives you will feel so different xx

Agree with what has been said.

I have one DC, very unlikely to be able to have another and have experienced lots of heartache from pregnancy loss. So I totally get the feelings of resentment towards those who get pregnant seemingly easily and nonchalantly plan ideal age gaps etc.
Hopefully your feelings will lessen in time. Don't let them eat you up. It takes time to process grief & loss (still trying to figure this out myself).

As others say, everyone else has issues/tragedy in their life that you may not know about (e.g. friends who have lost a parent/sibling may look at your relationship with your family and feel a pang of jealousy/resentment that you take them for granted).

Take care and enjoy your baby x