Anything you wish you knew BEFORE 1st pregnancy/ baby?

[Nineteen88]

Hi all,

Very first mumsnet post here. My partner and I are very much in love and after our 4th mutual friends pregnancy announcement we’re now officially broody and talk about trying early next year.

So my question is- does anyone on here have any golden pieces of advice that they now have and wish they new before even just starting to try for their first baby?

If you were to be trying for your first baby again- would you do anything differently? Would you live in a particular size house, save a particular amount of money? Or even sign up to certain groups? Etc etc

Very much looking forward to reading the replies!

Luv newbie smile

Don't over think it.. you can't plan it all. I think the main thing I wished I'd known is it's quite difficult to get pregnant. You don't need sticks, trackers etc just learn about your cycle and go from there

Hmm. So much advice

But I’ll choose this... don’t be afraid to have to have lots of chats about the type of parents you want to be. So you know we’re you’re both coming from. Really go into detail with scenarios!

Is he going to drink while you’re pregnant or expect you to be a free taxi for 9 months? Are you both going back to work and when? How do you both feel about disciplining a child? What about gender stereotypes?

I’ve also seen friends hit surprising bumps in their relationship when the real grit of parenting kicks in.

For example mums who try to be a super mum, but end up being a control freak that doesn’t let the dad get involved and learn. I’ve really observed from friend’s relationships that it’s best for mum to give the dad plenty of space to do things his own way and therefore learn by mistakes, rather than always stepping in to put it right, which can mean they feel Belittled, frustrated or like they’ll just get you to do it next time!

Also (Last one!) google ‘pulling up the drawbridge’ which is an article by [cant remember her name!] about those first early weeks and taking time for your new family x

I also have so much advice too

My first bit of advice is that it can be one crazy journey so make sure you are prepared mentally (ie not already under any other type of major stress). It can be a bumpy road and take longer than expected and there can be some heartbreak along the way. It can be all consuming and those pregnancy announcements can get hard to see when you're trying. Especially if I takes a while.
TTC groups on Facebook can be fun at first and good for learning and sharing but after a while it can become too much. I eventually came out of them after a few months

There may be a few things to consider in the months running up to trying...
Are you in a job that you would be happy to stay in for a few years? It can be very awkward to move jobs while in TTC limbo/newly pregnant. I've found myself in this dilemma right now...

What is the maternity pay like in your job and how long do you have to work there to be eligible? Would be frustrating to narrowly miss this.

I would recommend not announcing to too many people that you're trying because if it takes longer than expected - the constant questions can become difficult to field.

I would recommend getting on a good prenatal supplement now, finding one that has folate and is easy enough to swallow, affordable long term etc. Ideally you would take this for 3 months before falling pregnant.

You may want to come off any birth control that you're on if haven't already... to get your cycles nice and settled.

You may want to try temperature charting to see that you're definitely ovulating (I found this reassuring!) and it's a great way to get to know you're cycle better.

You may want to have one final holiday to somewhere with Zika (Thailand, Mexico etc) as you can't do this within 3 months of TTC... or even just one last holiday to anywhere - just the two of you - where you can sip cocktails worry free etc ... but that's maybe tricky cos of Covid...

Good luck!

@nineteen88 I am 11 weeks pregnant with our first. We thought we'd give it a try and see what happened, the first month I had a chemical pregnancy) early miscarriage) and then got pregnant straight away with this one... So while it totally is hard for some to get pregnant, others seem to manage pretty well. So be prepared that as soon as yous tart trying, you could have a baby in 9 months, or in years. There's no rhyme or reason, but make sure you are ready for either of those timescales. Noone knows we were trying and I think that's the best plan, no awkward questions the last few weeks!
In terms of practical prep, we haven't really done much. We have a two bed house, I've been in my job for years and so has my husband so no concerns there, and I'm currently buying maternity clothes etc on ebay so I'm ready for when my bump pops. I think noone quite prepares you for how awful you feel in the first few weeks (unless you're one of thr lucky ones), the pregnancy glow hasn't arrived for me yet, but hopefully the second trimester will bring that.

I love the idea of having a family etc, but it is a very strange feeling thinking that it will never just be the two of you again, so definitely do anything on your bucket list of musts that you can't do with a baby in tow before you get pregnant!

It's probably easy for me to say, but don't get too hung up with trying to conceive being the focus of your mind, as it will become all encompassing and it must be very hard mentally. I was bad enough in my two months!

Also, take folic acid and vit d supplements, don't worry about expensive pregnancy pills now, or at all to be honest. I now take folci acid, vit d and vit C. Cheap and cheerful from home bargains I think!

Just because things doesn't go to plan at any point in your pregnancy, doesn't mean you've been foolish or silly for having a plan in the first place. Don't let anyone get away with saying that or making you feel like that.

Look at all the options, decide what you'd prefer and also your back up options.

Nothing goes to plan in life. I had a plan for what I wanted to achieve at work today. It's twenty to four and I've had to spend most of the day doing something else. Does that make me foolish or silly for having a plan? No.

Have a very serious talk about whether he wants to take shared parental leave. Then get him to investigate whether it is possible due to your financial set up. (If he doesn't any hobbies that take a long time like cycling, football or golf then insist he takes it even though you want that time yourself and there may be financial implications.) The reason for him doing it even if it is for a month is so he realises looking after babies is hard, he bonds with your joint baby and you never become the default parent/slave at home.

For you - Take folic acid. Take vitamin D. Eat a healthy diet and exercise. Learn your cycle.

For him - take a multi-vitamin. Eat a healthy diet and exercise.

Everything else don't stress as it can happen quickly or take ages to get pregnant.

Oh, it helps if BOTH of you give up alcohol, (if you smoke) smoking and (if you take them) illegal drugs.

If you're on any prescription medicine check with your GP.

I totally agree with @Gerdticker. We had spoken so much about what type of parents we thought we’d be, but not how we’d do it. It really surprised me how much DH and I bickered in the early months about absolutely nothing.

I would advise to try and get the baby in a very loose routine early on and with good sleeping habits, so you’re not battling those later on.

And read up on stuff but don’t get obsessed with it. I think I massively over-educated myself and became way too caught up in temperature of baby’s room / what she was wearing / exactly the number of wet nappies a day. Have a good idea of it but don’t get too hung up on that stuff.

I don't have a huge amount of advice as I'm only 6+2 but be prepared for it to happen quickly or take a long time and also psych yourself for feeling like crap for the first wee while. The nausea and fatigue/insomnia has hit me this week and I am thoroughly looking forward to the second trimester 😰🤣

Enjoy it, and don’t buy half the crap you think you need... lol xx

Thank you so much everyone! What an amazingly helpful and insightful read and funny reg: ‘not buying half the crap you think you need’ 😂

I’ll literally be reading these over and over again haha!

Oh my gosh- wow wonder what’s going to happen! Going to feel so amazingly mental when we officially start trying (we just talk about it now) got a huge holiday planned for Christmas (obvs if covid doesn’t stop us) then think we’ll try after then. But if I find out early that covid’s cancelled it (and also if I get the job I’m interviewing for on Monday) then I’m going to be like .... let’s go for it! 😂

Thanks again everyone! Such amazing advice xxx

This will probably bring the mood down - but... do a harmony test when you can, privately. Don’t rely on nhs scans. We had a very bad experience, found out very late about health problems with our baby because no one ever thinks it will happen to them.

Hi Hun I would say to enjoy lots of time as a couple doing all the things u want to do before coming parents eg meals out/date nights/weekends away/amazing holidays...we have a 2yo little boy who is absolutely perfect and would never change our life now but we don't really get much quality time together and we are exhausted at night...save as much as u can as childcare can be expensive depending which route u take as in childminder/nursery...I think now what I could of saved before having a little one...me and my husband also took the pregnecare trying to conceive tablets and once pregnant I continued to take the pregnecare pregnancy tablets...I never followed ovulation apps but instead got the clear blue ovulation tests so we knew exactly when to try...good luck and enjoy it every moment as time flys xx

After pains. They're even worse when breastfeeding and the more babies you have the worse they get.

Going to the toilet after really stings, so you need to pour a jug down as you go

I wish I'd known beforehand how ideological everything about parenting is. Some people and books will give you misleading, even damaging information. There's an anti breastfeeding and pro sleep training culture in the UK which influences parents and even care givers in lots of different subtle ways. It took me a lot of research to really understand this and feel confident to follow my own path in terms of parenting- which I think is so important given how big a life and often identity shift it is. x

I’m also going to bring the mood down but I wish I had known that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Honestly when I got pregnant (first month trying) the possibility of having a miscarriage didn’t even enter my head so when it happened it was a massive shock - I’m embarrassed to admit that I thought miscarriage was pretty rare 🙈 I was lucky to fall pregnant again two months later and now have a beautiful 9 month old boy.

For when baby arrives I would say don’t get too hung up on the “right” way to do things. In the beginning I got really stressed about following guidelines to the letter and doing everything “properly” but you know your baby and you find your own way of doing things.

Read all the books, if thats your thing (it was mine) but remember baby won't have read a single one and so has no idea that they're meant to breastfeed easily, sleep all night and generally be "easy".

Second time around I'm much more chilled, I was so caught up in routine and pumping milk 24/7 that I became exhausted and didn't fully enjoy what was a wonderful time.

Be kind to yourself when TTC. It may be quick and you may be shocked, or it may take a long time and you may feel like it's taking forever. Take each day as it comes.

Look after yourself post-birth. However baby enters the world its a huge thing and you need time to rest. Stay in bed and failing that stay on the sofa.

Sleep as much as you can. There is no sleep deprivation quite the same as that which comes with a baby.

Take advantage of offers of help or ask for it when needed. If friends ask what they can do, they can cook you a meal and leave it on your doorstep, or they came come over and hold the baby whilst you sleep/shower.

Persevere with breastfeeding if you want to but not to the detriment of your metal health. Formula is fine.
Don't worry if your house is a mess when the health visitor comes over; they expect it to be and will be focused on you, not the house.

Get your baby checked for tongue tie in the hospital and any time you see a healthcare professional, if you're worried about their feeding.

Don't worry about waxing or shaving pre birth, you won't care when you're mid-contraction. Afterwards you'll be desperate to ask every health visitor to check your stitches and won't care that so many people have seen your lady bits.

**Afterwards you'll be desperate to ask every health visitor to check your stitches and won't care that so many people have seen your lady bits.

Couldn’t agree more! It’s surprising how desperate you can be to have a stranger look at your bits and pieces 🙈🙈😂😂

If you're not married (you say partner so I assume not) consider the legal and financial protection that it provides and decide whether you want to get married; it's much more difficult to do it after you've had children. This may not be so important to you if you have a good career and intend to share parental leave, return to work full time and share the load in terms of childcare/school drop offs and pick ups, time off when children are sick, etc. However, many mothers end up making a bigger sacrifice in terms of their careers, earning potential and pension contributions, in which case marriage is pretty much essential protection.

Talk to your partner about expectations in terms of sharing childcare and housework duties, whether you have any strong feelings about how you'd like to raise your children (eg religion, state/private school, anything else that might be important to you), how many children you'd ideally like (one or both of you might change your mind about this later but it's worth checking in now).

Ideally you'd be living in secure housing and you'd do DIY and decluttering before baby comes, but plenty of people manage in less than ideal living situations, it'll be more stressful to move or renovate later but it's doable.

You and your partner should both stop/reduce alcohol intake while TTC; it's not just the woman who has to be careful about drinking. Of course once you get pregnant he's done his bit and can then drink again but he might want to do so in moderation in solidarity with you!

If you're not already reasonably fit, try and get fit before getting pregnant, as it will make pregnancy and childbirth easier. Ideally you'd do Pilates to strengthen your core and reduce the risk of getting PGP (I wish I'd done this but hindsight is a wonderful thing!)

Check out the Positive Birth Company or similar antenatal courses. Consider getting a doula to support you at the birth if you can afford it. As a first-time mother, the midwives might not take you seriously; remember it's your body and you make the decisions (albeit on listening to medical advice).

Don't tell anyone in real life the name you've chosen (or the names you're considering); keep it between you and your partner and wait until baby's born before announcing it.

Give baby your surname.

That's all I can think of for now but I'm sure there's loads more!

@wigglerose

Just because things doesn't go to plan at any point in your pregnancy, doesn't mean you've been foolish or silly for having a plan in the first place. Don't let anyone get away with saying that or making you feel like that.

Look at all the options, decide what you'd prefer and also your back up options.

Nothing goes to plan in life. I had a plan for what I wanted to achieve at work today. It's twenty to four and I've had to spend most of the day doing something else. Does that make me foolish or silly for having a plan? No.

I like this advice and agree wholeheartedly.

My one regret is that we were so intent on ‘making a routine’ that I didn’t cuddle DS as much as I wished I had. I didn’t just sit with him on me and snuggle enough. You only get that time once, revel in it.

Trust your instincts . You will find your own way of doing things. Don't compare yourself with other mums or babies.

Take time to enjoy your baby.

Sleep.

Wow! I love all of these.

I would just add what others have already said. TTC can be stressful but it's perfectly normal for couples to try for a year or two before finding out they've conceived. Don't go crazy tracking your cycle but be aware that it's not always accurate. I actually fell pregnant when I thought I wasn't ovulating and that's because apps or other things you use to track your cycle won't always be 100% accurate. In fact, when I really wanted to get pregnant I didn't. But when I relaxed and forgot about it, I did. So no matter how cliche it sounds: you need to be relaxed :)

You can only parent the child you've got, not the child in all these parenting books.
Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for a reason
On mat leave, your job is to look after the baby, not keep an immaculate house and have dinner on the table at 6pm every night.

Expecting Better is an excellent book btw, and covers pregnancy. By far the best thing I read; deals with a lots of the myths surrounding what you "can and can't" do, sets out the facts and leaves it to you to decide, rather than being told you're "not allowed" to do X.