Mother in law telling people when we made it clear it was a secret...

[Peggy2020]

Hi all,

Probably a bit of a rant more than anything! We told my parents and my DH parents we were expecting 2 weeks ago (10 weeks pregnant). We made it really clear that it was secret and that we weren't ready to announce it until after the 12 week scan providing all was ok (scan on Monday)

Saw MIL yesterday and she was talking about private scans as she really wants my DH to be there and said 'well don't be cross but I have told X as they know about private scanning but don't worry they won't tell anybody'

I'm absolutely furious but DH thinks I'm over reacting and that I should cut her some slack because she's just excited. Am I being unfair?

All I can think is that the person she's told isn't even a relative and I don't know who she may or may not know. I'd be heartbroken if my other family members found out through somebody else!

Well it can't be undone, but take this as a good lesson to make sure she's the last person to know anything about the rest of the pregnancy - she only gets told at the same time as you're ready to make it public knowledge.

Nothing to be done this time, but in future wouldn’t share info you want kept private.

At least you know she can't be trusted to keep a secret from now on

I'd be annoyed, obviously it can't be undone but you'll know not to tell her anything else now.
Her discussing private scans with other people in relation to your pregnancy and the fact she 'really wants dh there' makes me think she's going to be over bearing.

How irritating. Going forward be very, very vague about your due date. Otherwise you will be harassed every day from 37 weeks. (This is the voice of experience. Receiving phone calls from relatives is not conducive to going into labour). I hope everything goes well for you in Monday.

I would be annoyed, 100% I would but she's not ran around telling everyone, it was for a specific reason so I think I would take a breath and suck it up on this one (and only) occasion but maybe make it clear that you will not be impressed if it gets round to anyone else from either her or the person she told!

@Peggy2020 I feel for you! My MILs first question when we told her (right before lockdown) was “Ohhhh, who can I tell?!” before she even said congratulations 🙄 I told her that she couldn’t tell anyone and that we would be telling the people that we wanted to know when we felt comfortable and had the chance - she’s still funny with me for not announcing anything on FB 🙄 Despite being asked to keep it to herself she went and told multiple friends of hers and work colleagues of hers who are friends with some of my family members 🙄

Needless to say, I don’t discuss anything at all with her now and unfortunately she’s now last on the list to be told anything as she clearly can’t be trusted 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cor. Cut MIL some slack. Everyone is going to know before long anyway !

I had this with my mum, first time i was pregnant she kept asking when she could tell people and i said not till the 12 week scan, i ended up having a mmc that was not picked up till the scan.

Second time i waited till after the 12 week scan to tell her but specifically asked her not to mention it until the 20 week scan and i was getting congratulated by random friends of hers after the 12 week scan and i kind of wish i’d waited till 20 weeks to tell her this time

If she knows people who are nothing to do with you then I really would just let her crack on. She is excited.

I don’t think it’s a big deal, especially if you don’t know the person. I’d be upset if she told a family member, but not someone you don’t know.
She’s just excited. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

I don't know how some people think it's not a big deal. You specifically asked her not to tell anyone and she broke your confidence. It doesn't matter how excited she was!

I wouldn't tell her anything now until you're ready for it to be public knowledge.

Lesson learned.

With my last pregnancy my mil did this, told all her side of the family, no one said anything but everyone suddenly kept asking how I was so could just know they knew, it's so rude isn't it. This time we made sure she wasn't told until after the scan, think she seemed annoyed but sone people just can't not gossip. I'd learn from this for future reference

For this exact reason we haven't told my MIL, there is no way she could keep it a secret. My DH was in agreement although I still felt bad that my folks and siblings all new - they don't have a close relationship so he wasn't fussed.

It's your baby and it's your news - no one else should spoil that moment!

Well she's just guaranteed you won't tell her anything in future!

It's not a big deal. It's a stranger. She was asking about scans to try and get advice. So your husband can be there. Because loads of people have been whinging they're going in alone.
Sounds like she was trying to do something nice for you.

Let it go

Thanks everyone, glad on the most part people don't think I'm over reacting.

I agree that's she's going to be very over bearing once baby is here, she is like that in general and is one of those people who's methods are always right and nobody else can have a different opinion!

The thing is although this person may not know my family (although they might you never know, we live in a small village) I just think if she's told her then who else has she told! I doubt it's just that one person

My mil blabbed our news in my last pregnancy. We vowed not to tell her until later on in future pregnancies. I’m 33 weeks with number 2 and she was told after the 20 week scan. We learnt our lesson. Some people just can’t respect want privacy.

Lesson learned OP. This might not matter to some people but does to others. And that should be respected. I wouldn’t be happy either for her not respecting my privacy and wishes and I promise you she wouldn’t be told anything from now on until I wanted everybody else to know as well. She knew she shouldn’t have done it (yet she still did) when she told you not to be cross.

Don't tell her anything in future. I wouldn't discuss names with her for example.

My mum did this in my last pregnancy. We’re very close, she told my grandmother who is notorious for telling everybody. I had only just taken the test and thought I could trust her to keep it to herself - instead my whole extended family new straight away. The people I wanted to tell personally had been told by other people it was just a nightmare. This time, I didn’t tell her til I was ready to tell absolutely everyone which was after the 12 week scan.

Definitely a lesson learnt but I don’t blame you for being annoyed.

Would you prefer she wasn't excited for you? Lots of mils can be overbearing but don't start this new relationship (between her and her grandchild) looking for trouble. There will likely be enough! But try not to get upset over every little thing.

You’re not overreacting at all. You specifically said don’t tell anyone and she has. Whether she is excited or not is irrelevant. I don’t understand how people shout from the rooftops as soon as they have POAS. Pregnancy is a very personal and risky time regardless and the more people that know means there is more people to have to respond to if things go wrong. I’m 20 weeks now and other than work and family I haven’t told anyone, no social media announcements, nothing.

Do not, under any circumstances, discuss names with her!