Lost in a sea of uncertainty - kind advice please ...

[Pebblesmemories]

I am 39, divorced with a child from previous marriage who is 8.

I am now with new partner (2 year relationship) and have unexpectedly and completely unplanned found myself pregnant (currently 13 weeks). Said new partner has a cocaine problem - I have been supporting him and helping him to try and kick the habit, but he is unable to.
His behaviour has at times been absolutely horrendous and of late, has left me absolutely exhausted. Currently, I am still managing to function, hold down a full time job, be a good Mum to my current child and I have just bought a new house, moving before Christmas.
I am so tired that I am on the verge of depression and I am considering having a termination ... I cannot think straight and I'm sure if I could just get some R&R then I would be able to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue with the pregnancy.
I go through periods of telling my partner it's over and asking him to leave (every day for the last week in fact), but he will not go and in the end, I become so tired that I simply don't have the energy to argue with him anymore.
I truly believe that he does love me and he was overjoyed when we found out I was pregnant, but at the end of the day, he is clearly an addict.
Being brutally honest, I have moments when I wish I never met him because he has bought so much chaos to my life, and other moments where I'm positive he will 'come good' and the problem is that I do still love him (despite everything).
The last thing I wanted was to end up single with 2 children by 2 different fathers ... If I go ahead with the pregnancy then he will be in my life forever ... but equally this is probably my last chance at having another child, given my age and circumstances.
I really truly feel lost and exhausted and I just don't know what to do now ... please be kind, I'm very fragile at the moment.

@Pebblesmemories noone is in a position to judge, we cannot help who we fall in love with. it sounds like u have so much going on in your life right now, you sound super strong to be juggling everything and supporting your partner in trying to kick his habit. It really does sound like u need some "you" time....do you have any family or friends who could look after your 8yo for some time to give you a bit of a break?
I dont feel like i can say anything useful about helping your decisions, cos i cant imagine how hard it is - but it sounds like it would be really valuable to speak to someone independent wehther thats a GP or something who can help you with the options and support available to you. buying a house when there is nothing else going on is incredibly stressful as it is, i hope that all goes smoothly- the best thing we ever did was pay for a house removal packing service who literally can clear and box up rooms for u, if that nearer xmas could help u take the pressure off?
I really think u should speak to a GP and try and get some support with how you are feeling right now, it's so important you take care of yourself first and foremost so you can keep on being the best mum to your 8yo.
Sorry I don't have much to offer - but take good care of yourself, and do NOT beat yourself up about things - u sound super strong!x

I think you need to leave him, physically and mentally immediately. He won’t come good. You need to decide if you want to be a single parent of another child or if it will be too much, not just for you but for the child. Will the dad be any good as a dad?

Many people feel regret or an emptiness when they realise the child/children they have will be their last. It doesn’t mean you need to act on that feeling and have a child you cannot or don’t want to care for in reality. That feeling marks a stage in life that is coming to an end, a bit like menopause. You can accept it and let it go. If you really want another child, though, you will be doing it on your own.

Please see your GP too, as you do sound exhausted and overwhelmed, unsurprisingly.

@leftitlate37
Thank you so much for your message.
It's not really my 8yo that is draining me - it's my partner. He comes in at stupid o clock in the morning, he disrupts my sleep, he changes plans, he lets his customers down, he makes promises about doing the shopping or whatever and then doesn't come through - it's him that's causing me the stress and exhaustion :( Sadly I don't have much family to rely on anyway - I do have my Mum, but she is still working full time.
It's a great idea about the removals company ... you're right - I hadn't even really looked that far ahead to think about timings .. oh God - all i can see ahead of me is more stress :(

@Lemonsyellow
Thank you for your message. The problem I have is that it's my house and he won't leave ... I am so tired of arguing with him and asking him to leave - he says he needs time and promises to sort something out, but he doesn't ....
He does already have a daughter from a previous relationship and he really is a good Dad to her .. he's not a bad person and has a heart of gold, but the bloody drugs are the root of his problem and he can't kick it.
The thought of having another child on my own doesn't so much scare me, it's just the thought of the stress of dealing with him if he still can't kick the habit when the baby is born .... if we're seperated and I have the baby then how do I deal with him having access etc when I don't know if he's still taking drugs ...
Sorry - I don't expect you to have the answers ... i'm just in such a quandary to know what to do for the best.

So sorry to hear you're going through this, I think you need to make it clear the only way he will be in your/this child's life is if he gets help with his addiction. I agree that speaking to a GP is a good first step but he needs to want to get help and the incentive of being a father is hopefully enough for him to do it. Recovery won't be an easy path but I truly hope it works out for you

I am sorry you are in such a hard situation. Any decision is of course for you to make.
If you do decide to go ahead, I think you need to accept that it is extremely likely you will end up a single parent. You are already on the verge of being single anyway, the only reason you are not is because he has refused to go. It seems very unlikely that adding a baby into the mix is going to improve your relationship - money will be tighter, everyone will be more tired, you will have less time, less patience... It seems so unlikely that your relationship will survive when you are already (understandably) so utterly fed up with him.

The reason he is delighted about it is because he knows he will not actually have additional responsibility - this will all be on you. He will leave all the responsibilities to you. He already doesn't look after you, your son, or himself.

it's so easier said than done this, but given what you've jsut said i agree with the OP. He sounds really harmful for your physical and mental health right now. you need to have people aroud you supporting you at this time, not constantly the other way round with you always doing the giving, but getting absolutely nothing but hassle in return. Esp if it makes you unwell which given you get such stress and exhaustion from it, it could do. You have to put your own health at the top of your priority list - you can't just be looking after him and letting him basically take the mick out of yours. Do you share a house or flat, or does he live in with you? If he cant sort himself out with help from you and others, you really do sound like u need to make a clean permanent break - could the buying of your new house be just what you need; he does not move in with you, end of?
Sorry that sounded unhelpful when i said house buying was stressful - it was meant to be empathy that that alone in your life is hard. dont see it as more burden though, it'll be faffy granted but you can make the process a lot easier! You say u see stress ahead of you - you can also look at it as an opportunity to make some changes in your life and move on from your OH who, if he cannot get the help he wants/needs to kick his habit, is not healthy for you.

@Pebblesmemories I am so sorry to here you are in this position. I had a similar issue with my partner and alcohol. I have a 10 year old from previous marriage.

I got really tough with him and told him to leave, but I meant it. That was 6 months ago and he has not been drunk since and hardly drinks at all now. But the ultimatum had to be made and strongly. You need to mean it. If he won't change and sort out his habit and put you first (which he should be doing just now and your child) then you need to leave him. It is not a good environment for a child. If he loves you he will sort himself out but might take you leaving to do it. That being said, you can't bluff. You need to get your head straight that you are leaving him for good and he is likely to not change. Once you decide on that then think about the pregnancy and doing it on your own or not. Only you can make that decision and no-one should judge you for that.

You need some support but I imagine that you can't talk to your family about this and are shouldering the burden.

The line in the sand is that you cannot have a baby in a household with an addict. It is not safe for you or the baby and your older child too tbh. Either he stops or you leave or he does. You can't continue like this. You sound such a lovely person and I get it, but bringing in a new baby is really putting a spotlight on his issues.

My gosh - there are some absolutely lovely people on here. Thank you to each of you for taking the time to reply - it has given me strength today.
Everyone's advice makes sense ... I think part of the problem is that he lives with me in my (owned) house, I cannot leave him - I have to get him to leave me ...

@Sheera1 - Since we found out about the pregnancy, I have consistently said that I will not bring a baby into the house if he is still taking coke and he has been doing pee tests at home for the last 5 weeks, but hasn't provided a negative one yet.

My current stance with him is that if he can't give a negative pee test by the end of the month, then he will move out - he has accepted this (whether we will stand on at the end of the month and go, we'll have to see ...)

@leftitlate37
The house I am buying is a 3 bed (I'm currently in a 2 bed), but he has already said he doesn't want to move in with me to that house anyway as he claims it's not big enough due to him having a daughter already ... I stress that he is bringing nothing to the table in terms of money, he has zero savings and zero credit rating ... Oh dear - I'm not painting a very good picture of him at all am I ...

@lucymagoo
He says that he wants to go through the recovery journey with me by his side and he says he needs my support. I have sadly told him that I don't have the energy anymore (I have tried to help him for the last 18 months) and it is something he has to go and face on his own. I've begged him to take himself off and sort himself out and then I'll be here waiting for him at the end, but he says he can't do it on his own and if I push him away then that will be it - he won't come back.
He also says he's desperate to have the child with me, but if we can't be together then he doesn't want it ....

@BlueRaincoat1
Thank you for commenting ... I know you are right, but I honestly am not holding out any hope of the baby improving the relationship - if he's still like this when the baby comes, he will be useless .. he already spends a day or two a week just sleeping because he comes home crazy late ...
It's not actually the thought of having the baby on my own that scares me, more the thought that I will have to deal with him on-going if I have it. If I were to make the decision to have a termination, then at least I could cut the cord with him and never have to see him again :(

@Pebblesmemories you are pregnant and therefore the priority. He needs to be there for you and you don't have the capacity to support him right now. If he wants to be there for you both he can work hard on himself and get there. Don't let him put the burden on you while you're pregnant, you're not selfish for saying no x

He sounds manipulative to me, you're best off without him if that's how he's going to be and as a previous poster said, you need to lay down the law, set and ultimatum and 100% mean it unless there is real change

Given how down you sound, I think a call to woman's aid wouldn't go amiss. And you may need to be prepare to start legal action.

As he is a drug abuser and is refusing to leave you can probably get an order that forces him to leave. He might not like it but you've asked him several times and he won't go. He has no right to stay in your home.

Alternatively, go harsh - bag up his stuff and change the locks so he can't get in. You will have to do this eventually but I'm not sure how safe you feel.

Same with the baby - if you go ahead, as an addict you would want legal support for access rights.

I can only imagine how hard it is to focus on your pregnancy choice with him in your hair like this. He needs to go so you can get headspace and decide.

@Pebblesmemories I'm so sorry you are going through all this stress. I understand how you cant even think straight!

You did not create your partner's addiction and you cannot change him or the addiction. You can accept both that you love him, that he loves you, and that he is in other ways a good man AND accept that his behaviour is not acceptable. It is having an awful impact on you and will definitely be negatively affecting your living child.

Personally, I would want my relationship to be over and ask him to leave, irrespective of my choice about the baby. It is your house, if he wont leave you can call the police. If you split and decide to have the baby, you need strong clear boundaries and you need to stick to them (eg contact time is x-x each thuraday, if you do not show up that is not my problem and I cannot offer it at other times)

You poor thing @Pebblesmemories , that all sound horrendously stressful.

Is there anybody you could ask to come and help you nudge him out of the door? It really doesn't have to be heavy-handed - it might force him into getting some clearly much needed help if he thinks other people are aware of the situation.

Sending you a hug anyway, you sound like you need one! ✊🏻

Lots of good advice here :)

I just wanted to mention you use the phrase ‘he has a heart of gold’. Everything you have described here shows he really doesn’t.

He is using emotional blackmail and manipulation to stay in a relationship with you, and live in your home. No good person with a shred of dignity would stay having been asked to leave multiple times. It is incredibly selfish. I’m so worried what effect this may be having on your existing child.

Can you imagine if your child bought this kind of person home as their partner in a few years time? Would you be ok with it? Would you encourage the relationship?

Of course not.

Please, you need to start fiercely protecting yourself, and your child from this man. Every day he is around you, he is causing more damage.

You may think you are being kind, but you are actually neglecting both yourself and your child, and the potential new child too.

I hope I haven’t spoken too firmly, I do appreciate it’s easier to see things for what they are from the outside.

Be strong. Hugs xx

Women's aid is a great idea. They can give you some practical advice and support.

Just watch he doesn't come through with one clear test to meet the target set and then continue anyway. I think people on here are right that he needs to leave as it is your house and he should be clear everyday.

No wonder he has no money with an expensive habit. He will be sleeping it off for days due to the awful way he will feel when he stops. Columbian cold! And of course he will have been awake for easily 24 hours each time. Where is he when he is out of the house? That would concern me too. Who is he with?

I’m so sorry for the stress you must be going through.
We have these ideal scenarios and hope that a baby will improve things, but it really doesn’t.
I know two mums in your boat, and the coke fuelled fathers have just let the children down so many times. One actually accidentally caused a house fire whilst the kids were in bed.
Move to the new house alone.
Good luck with whatever you decide in your pregnancy. I hope you can get some rest ASAP

How are you feeling today @Pebblesmemories? Hope you're doing ok.

Everyone is so lovely and thank you @NotMaryWhitehouse to think of me ...
I’m feeling pretty low right now but I have told him tonight that I want him to go ASAP (he has his daughter here this weekend), but it didn’t stop him from hounding me for money this afternoon and then not coming home with her back until 10pm (she’s 11).
I think he knows I’m serious now. I’m so upset .. I am absolutely convinced that cocaine is at the root of all his problems, but he just refuses to see it.
Being brutally honest, I’m in such turmoil .. I find myself (I can barely bring myself to type this because it’s through tears), but I find myself wishing I wasn’t pregnant. How awful .. a baby should be a gift but right now I just can’t see the wood for the trees

@lucymagoo thank you ... I’m sure I am better off without him but it’s so hard when you love someone.

@stealthmama thank you for your message. I hope he will get the message and leave now .. I feel like a bad person for throwing him out :(

@TheDaydreamBelievers thank you for such a kind message, I really do appreciate it.