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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Lost in a sea of uncertainty - kind advice please ...

45 replies

Pebblesmemories · 24/09/2020 10:52

I am 39, divorced with a child from previous marriage who is 8.

I am now with new partner (2 year relationship) and have unexpectedly and completely unplanned found myself pregnant (currently 13 weeks). Said new partner has a cocaine problem - I have been supporting him and helping him to try and kick the habit, but he is unable to.
His behaviour has at times been absolutely horrendous and of late, has left me absolutely exhausted. Currently, I am still managing to function, hold down a full time job, be a good Mum to my current child and I have just bought a new house, moving before Christmas.
I am so tired that I am on the verge of depression and I am considering having a termination ... I cannot think straight and I'm sure if I could just get some R&R then I would be able to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue with the pregnancy.
I go through periods of telling my partner it's over and asking him to leave (every day for the last week in fact), but he will not go and in the end, I become so tired that I simply don't have the energy to argue with him anymore.
I truly believe that he does love me and he was overjoyed when we found out I was pregnant, but at the end of the day, he is clearly an addict.
Being brutally honest, I have moments when I wish I never met him because he has bought so much chaos to my life, and other moments where I'm positive he will 'come good' and the problem is that I do still love him (despite everything).
The last thing I wanted was to end up single with 2 children by 2 different fathers ... If I go ahead with the pregnancy then he will be in my life forever ... but equally this is probably my last chance at having another child, given my age and circumstances.
I really truly feel lost and exhausted and I just don't know what to do now ... please be kind, I'm very fragile at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pebblesmemories · 26/09/2020 00:30

@Gerdticker I’m struggling to be strong right now :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Pebblesmemories · 26/09/2020 00:33

@Sheera1 I don’t know exactly who he’s with or what he does on his nights out, I only know it’s coke that’s the driver.
He is also on antidepressants, he had been truly low and in a bad place at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pebblesmemories · 26/09/2020 00:36

@BeMorePacific it sounds like the sort of thing he would do ... he is always leaving the door open or the oven on or the dog shut outside, he loses his keys, his wallet, forgets things constantly ... it’s such a worry. It’s been like having another child to look after at times.
It puts me in such turmoil about this baby :(

OP posts:

stealthmama · 26/09/2020 10:07

How are things today OP? It's bad that he's taking money off you, it sounds like he's using you to fund his habit. Does he work?

NotMaryWhitehouse · 26/09/2020 10:20

morning @Pebblesmemories . I mean, it's no wonder you can't see the woods for the trees really! I hope you realise you're not supposed to be just breezing through this like it's the easiest thing in the world?! The end of a relationship is rarely easy, even without the added impact of addiction and a baby.

Taking money from you is really, really bad. He must be in a desperate place I agree mentally, but you cannot get him out of it.

The only 'advice' I can really give you is to focus on how amazing you will feel when you've got your home back and can focus on you and your kids- including the not yet arrived one. You deserve to be happy Pebbles!

leftitlate37 · 28/09/2020 19:49

How r things today @Pebblesmemories?

Original poster

Pebblesmemories · 28/09/2020 20:24

@leftitlate37 thank you for thinking of me :)
I have a cold now and feeling rotten - ugh.
He is now finally agreeing to move out but says he needs time to get money together .. he doesn’t have a penny to his name sadly. I think the message is getting though slowly but he’s not making it easy ...

OP posts:

leftitlate37 · 28/09/2020 20:47

Ugh u so dont need a cold! Hope itll be short lived and u dont feel too bad.
Well that sounds like a step in the right direction. Have u got a date by which he can get X amount of money together that's enough for him to be going with? Dont want u getting to stage where it's like another month just another month...and u still suffer? Cant imagine how hard it's been but feel like fairer on you if you've got that kind of final date by which he needs to be gone. Hope u r doing ok otherwise....keep us posted xx

NotMaryWhitehouse · 01/10/2020 18:14

Hope your cold has improved @Pebbles and you've had a better few days generally.

Original poster

Pebblesmemories · 05/10/2020 09:10

Thank you @leftitlate37 and @NotMaryWhitehouse
My cold went, but seems to have come back again! I think I'm quite run down to be honest.
By chance, he has actually gone, but it's not by his choice exactly ... he has the luck of the devil, and a job has come up which includes accommodation for 1 or 2 weeks, so he's jumped at it as he gets to play the hero and step in to help (he's a tradesman). It feels bloody annoying to be honest and it came off the back of a weekend of him going awol and using the excuse of "you don't want me there", but he had every intention of coming back today until this job came up. I know I should just be pleased that he's gone, but I really don't think he has grasped the enormity of actually moving out ... I think after the job finishes, he thinks he will just come home. I've spoken to his Dad this weekend and explained everything that has been going on ... he's been offered to stay with his Dad for a month, which I've told him, but I honestly think he will try to come back here when the job is finished.
This weekend really pushed me over the limit ... the fact he wanted to come back on Monday because he has his daughter really made me feel so angry towards him ... this house is NOT a hotel and he CANNOT pick and choose when he stays here and when he doesn't.
I have to hold on to that anger and really stay firm now - I cannot let him back when this job is done - he has to have 'moved out' now - for my own mental capacity too.

I've been thinking about dropping his clothes etc up to him so that he starts to understand I'm serious ...

Sorry for the long message ... it's always a long story where he's involved!

OP posts:

movingonup20 · 05/10/2020 10:01

I would pack up his stuff and drop it at his dads personally. Stay strong

littlejalapeno · 05/10/2020 11:25

Well done what great news. Reading your messages my heart sank. I just wanted to wish you the best. You deserve more than this! Don’t let him back and please take care of yourself. I don’t know if it sounds dramatic or not but could you let the police know he’s been kicked out and you’re worried he might try to come back, so it’s flagged in advance in case he comes back and you need help getting him to stay away? Sorry if that’s a stressful thought, wishing you all the best

Ninkanink · 05/10/2020 11:29

If it’s your house then you do not need his agreement to leave - pack up all his stuff, take it back to his, change the locks at yours if he has a key, and call the police if he tries to get in or won’t go away when you tell him it’s over.

Ninkanink · 05/10/2020 11:31

Also you really should not be in a relationship with an addict when you have a child who has no choice but to live with the consequences of your choices. I know you know this, so be strong and keep strong for his/her sake. You keep talking about not bringing a baby into the home when he’s an addict...but you already have a baby in the home who deserves better.

Ninkanink · 05/10/2020 11:32

He’s got somewhere to live x he can stay with his dad.

It is not your problem to fix.

Ninkanink · 05/10/2020 11:34

Ugh sorry for the ‘x’ as punctuation - was meant to be a dash.

Dig deep, keep strong, talk to us here for support and to keep your resolve.

ShalomToYouJackie · 05/10/2020 11:52

So sorry you're going through this OP, it's a really tough situation to be in.

I have experience of being in a relationship with a cocaine addict and whilst he did get clean, it was a really unpleasant environment to be in with the constant anger.

Sorry if you've already said but do you rent/own together or is it your house? I would pack his stuff and take it to his Dad's and change the locks so you can be by yourself whilst deciding what to do.

The last thing I wanted was to end up single with 2 children by 2 different fathers there really is nothing wrong with this as long as both children are happy and healthy

Sending you lots of love xx

ShalomToYouJackie · 05/10/2020 11:55

Sorry I just re-read and saw you own the house and he won't leave. Empty his stuff out, take it to his Dad's and change locks.

And him saying he wants to get clean with you by his side is not fair, he's had 2 years. You need to be focusing on your own health right now, your time and energy needs to go on you, not him

ShalomToYouJackie · 07/10/2020 10:42

How are you doing Op?

NotMaryWhitehouse · 10/10/2020 19:10

How are you getting on @Pebblesmemories?

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