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Original poster

Gender Disappointment

33 replies

Helpmeplan2020 · 21/09/2020 16:39

I know this is a taboo subject. If you are going to be offended please don’t read on. I’m finding this a struggle as it is and I don’t need the judgements of others. My feelings are real and valid.

I have just had 20w scan. There are no concerns and I am happy with that, however I am really disappointed that i am having a boy. For various reasons. I have 2 girla
and would love to have another. My girls
are really lovely and considerate. Boys in my family generally have autism/ ADHD and I am terrified of this. I haven’t bonded with this pregnancy and have anti natal Depression so today’s news has been really hard.
I really wish I didn’t feel like this.
Has anyone ever felt like this and how did you overcome it?

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RepDom21 · 21/09/2020 16:44

Boys are really affectionate in my own experience and from what I observe. Although I don’t have any other children but my DS and he is very active and always has been. Just try and be thankful for what you have I think it’s lovely that you will be having a boy to look after the girls when they are older.

Congratulations!

Foreverbaffled · 21/09/2020 16:45

I’m sorry you’re struggling with your mental health, that’s really hard. I hope you’re getting support from your community midwives for this.

The threads on gender (sex) disappointment always seem to be when mothers find out they are having little boys. This makes me so sad. I have one DS and he is a complete and utter joy. When did we start valuing boys less? This isn’t a criticism of you OP as you clearly have other worries and factors at play.

I think for you this is less about having a boy and more about your mental health generally. Maybe if you can get treatment for this the news won’t seem so hard or daunting. Take care of yourself and reach out for help.

Snorlax86 · 21/09/2020 16:59

I agree fully with @Foreverbaffled

A lot of people may have some disappointment if it’s not the family they envisaged which may be normal, but honestly little boys are so lovely. I hope you get support for the depression.

Best wishes

Original poster
Helpmeplan2020 · 21/09/2020 17:03

Thank you all. I am going to speak to the midwife about my feelings. My mom also reminded me that my 4 brothers and most male members of my family don’t have any underlying conditions.
But I can’t shake this feeling at all and feel so down

OP posts:
supersonicginandtonic · 21/09/2020 17:04

My son has Autism and ADHD, I would not change him for the world. I love his uniqueness and despite his difficulties, he is my most loving child.

MichelleOR84 · 21/09/2020 20:42

@Foreverbaffled I have a DS and he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me 🥰!!

I think it’s natural for a lot mums to desire girls though as that is the sex we can relate to.

Same for dads and boys .

OP -once you get to know your boy all your feelings will change

RayOfSunshine2013 · 21/09/2020 20:52

I felt exactly the same when I had my boy at 18, decided I no longer wanted a baby because I new he was a boy, wished I’d had a termination etc.. now I absolutely love him to bits. Had exactly the same feelings with my second.. and it’s alright to be upset about it, you’ll love them when they’re here

calimommy · 21/09/2020 21:29

I have three boys and just found out I'm expecting a girl. I wouldnt say I'm disappointed, rather very surprised. Extremely surprised. We had made a short list of boys names and I had mentally been thinking about a boy so this was very much out of the blue, and into the pink so to speak 😊 I also had thought I would always be a Boy Mama so now this has thrown me a tiny bit -but I'm excited and my boys are too.
I don't really have much time for Gender Disappointment tbh, however in this instance I think your mental health may be the overriding feature. Be kind to yourself, you have fluctuating pregnancy hormones coursing through you (not to be pathetic about pregnant women, the hormones really are a bitch) and your concerns about Spectrum disorders are valid. However you are jumping the gun a little on that one. I think you need to put aside how you 'think' you feel about the pregnancy right now and focus on yourself and your mental health as your first step.
Boy are really glorious -welcome to the boy zone, and you also have an opportunity to guide your son towards being a better man than some of the misogynistic arseholes from the past (and present)!

DragonPie · 21/09/2020 22:06

The threads on gender (sex) disappointment always seem to be when mothers find out they are having little boys.

They always are. Every time. As soon as I see the title I know it’s about being disappointed about having a boy.

It’s so sad, my boys are wonderful, funny, clever, cuddly and affectionate. They aren’t second best to girls.

RestorationInsanity · 21/09/2020 22:12

It sounds like you are catastrophising the likelihood of the baby having an underlying condition because your own mental health is currently poor, particularly if your 4 male siblings have no issues. Knowing how much you didn't want a boy and wanted a girl, it seems as though you have put yourself through a lot of anxiety and stress by choosing to have a third child, when you know you can't guarantee if it would be a boy or a girl. Do you have a good relationship with your brothers? Does your mum? Maybe you should talk to her about all the wonderful things she remembers about having sons as well as seeking help from a professional with your antenatal depression and issues surrounding this pregnancy.

MissHoney85 · 21/09/2020 22:13

I'm a rare case of someone who has it the other way round - expecting a girl but imagined and, if I'm honest, wanted a boy. I've always found boys easier to handle and somehow more appealing. I find it much easier to imagine being affectionate with a boy. But, I know my baby will be exactly who I'm meant to have and I will love her just the same when she's here. There are lots of advantages to either, and lots of things that will be the same.

TomNookTheHustler · 21/09/2020 22:15

DS1 has autism and suspected ADHD and is FABULOUS - kind, loving, caring, bright. He's nearly 8.

StillRunningUpThatHill · 21/09/2020 22:17

My eldest is a boy. I didn’t find out the sex when pregnant but secretly hoped for a girl and was worried I’d be disappointed with a boy.

I adore him beyond measure and thank the stars every day that I didn’t get to choose the sex or I’d have missed out on this wonderful human. He’s 9 now and we are so close. I also have a DD now, and love them both equally but genuinely am closer to DS. You’ll be fine OP but maybe need some help with your own MH.

Original poster
Helpmeplan2020 · 21/09/2020 22:31

Thanks for the replies.

When I found out I was pregnant I told myself the sex of the baby didn’t matter, my reaction to today’s scan was a surprise to me.

My brothers are great and my twin brother is my best friend. My brothers are very close to my mom, as are we all. My mom is supportive but upset by my feelings, as is DH.

I think my MH has been very poor, I think lockdown also contributed. In fairness is may have been better to wait until after the pandemic to consider a pregnancy but hindsight is wonderful.

OP posts:
Ranunculi · 21/09/2020 22:33

The threads on gender (sex) disappointment always seem to be when mothers find out they are having little boys.
Every single time. Quite frankly it’s awful. Little boys are not second class citizens.

RestorationInsanity · 21/09/2020 22:34

Having a baby (even when you already have babies) is a huge change. Perhaps your reaction is just a defense mechanism, with all the other strangeness and uncertainty, you feel comfortable mothering girls, and now you feel you have to get used to something new. But you'll get to know his personality right from the beginning, and then those traits will just be part of him and nothing to do with being a boy or a girl.

KittCat · 21/09/2020 22:46

Girls can have autism too...

loopylindazdaughter · 21/09/2020 22:46

Aw I'm sorry your disappointed, plus please please have hope. I would have easy another 5 of my boys and not another girl. My girl is feisty and independent and mostly a fucking pain in the ass, however my son is just a loving, funny, caring joy to parent.

DragonPie · 22/09/2020 05:54

@KittCat

Girls can have autism too...
^ This.
Original poster
Helpmeplan2020 · 22/09/2020 06:38

Yes girls can have autism but the girls in my family don’t appear to have it.
Also, I’m really anxious my child could have disabilities (I was anxious of this to when I was pregnant with DDs but they are very bright). Boys appear to be more vulnerable to genetic conditions such as ADHD, ASD and LD. I’m acknowledging my thoughts are very unfair and irrational at the moment.

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 22/09/2020 06:48

It's not judgment but sometimes a healthy dose of reality and perspective is what's needed. You have 2 healthy girls already and a beautiful baby boy on the way - be thankful for your blessings and fortunate position

turnitonagain · 22/09/2020 06:53

@Ranunculi

The threads on gender (sex) disappointment always seem to be when mothers find out they are having little boys. Every single time. Quite frankly it’s awful. Little boys are not second class citizens.
There’s data that men are more likely to leave the family if they have girls vs boys so I suspect if there was an active Dadsnet the preference would skew to boys.

Some NHS trusts won’t even tell the sex in scans, that’s not due to a preference for girls either.

Redrosesandsunsets · 22/09/2020 06:53

Boy or girl as babies and young kids pretty much the same OP. Boys more affectionate in my experience too. Easy so far and become men as they become teens but they’re just giant versions of themselves. Lovely jubbly. I wouldn’t change my boy or my gurus. Maybe your exhausted and just need help from the Doctor. Honestly kids are kids. Get help for your head and it will all work out.

emmaluggs · 22/09/2020 06:55

Autism & ADHD were also worries of mine with both mine being boys and it also being a pattern in my family. With my first I was obsessed checking signs, my nephew is severely autistic and I remember the signs from when he was a baby. Plus I would have liked a girl just to experience it as we are stopping at 2. I did feel disappointed more so with my 2nd but it soon dissipated and I adore and love them so bloody much. With regards to autism/ADHD I just resigned myself to the fact there wouldn’t be anything I could do, both my boys are still very young but both appear to have skipped this gene that appears to run in my family.

You need to acknowledge your feelings and they will soon fade, it is true once they are in your arms it all changes. Boys are amazing, I remember we had a private gender scan and when they said he was a boy my partner said ‘oh you must be devastated’ which gave my head a wobble I just ended up feeling lucky to have a healthy pregnancy and I love both my boys with very little memory of my disappointment

Ploughingthrough · 22/09/2020 06:57

It's always poor little boys isn't it! I've got a girl and a boy and I can tell you I love them with exactly the same fierceness. They give me the same amount of joy and happiness regardless of their sex. Any child could have autism or any number of conditions, boy or girl. I'm sorry you feel the way you do but I think you should do everything you can to get over it swiftly.