First time pregnancy and difficult family

[firsttimemamax]

Hi all!

I don't really know what i want from this other than maybe just a hand hold? Similar experiences? Anything i guess...
So a bit of background, I'm 24 and me and my partner are expecting our first baby, I'm 13 weeks pregnant and we're just getting through the process of telling family and eventually friends.

My family life has always been turbulent and difficult, my mother being a massive raging narcissist has never supported me through anything and only ever made me feel like i need her approval. They live about 4 hours away from me (their decision to retire far away, which did me a favour i suppose) so I don't have to see them if I don't want to which is lucky, but the pressure i get from other family members to maintain a relationship is far too much and breaking me down.

So cut a long story short, I'd been a key worker through COVID in a care home, which effected me as it was such a difficult time, so that is something i am always trying to cope with on the side, once the home was clear of COVID i left as it was effecting my mental health badly and my partner didn't like seeing me in such a bad way.

The support I've had is basically none...and now we're expecting! I asked my parents if we could come and visit them (to tell them the news) and my mother took a really nasty turn on the phone, gave me abuse as she usually does and told us not to come. So instead, i sent a lovely card to them to tell them the news as i wanted it to be a bit more personal than a text message or Facebook message.

Fast forward to today...i get a phone call from my dad, telling me they'd received the card and mother isn't happy... I'm not entirely sure why she;s not happy but I've been asking myself that question my whole life. She hasn't bothered contacting me and i am petrified of the nasty text i will probably receive sometime this week. I just feel scared and awful. It's not like i care what she thinks of me too much, I've spent all my life doing what she wanted me to do, but I'm worried for the abuse I'm going to get or the nastiness i will endure sooner or later.

I;m so tired of living in fear of my parents and worrying, I don't want it to negatively impact our pregnancy but I'm finding it hard to enjoy so far because of my mum.

Sorry for the long read, just needed to get it off my chest i suppose... but if anyone has any advise or experiences it would be much appreciated.

Love and light

Xx

I'm only now finding out that my dad is a narcissist. He was upset when he found out id also told my sister soon after telling parents, he was upset when I didn't tell him I was in labour, and he's constantly worried he'll never be the favourite grandparent. Which is stupid because kids will always have favourites and there's nothing you can do to sway them really.

Trust me. Just cut contact, or lessen your contact. Your mum will never be happy with anything you do. It's how narcissists are. The goalposts move all the time.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it's a smooth ride for you.

@OneTooManyBathtimes
Thank you for replying, sorry to hear about your dad, it does take a long time to realise that a parent is narcissistic as you just grow up thinking its normal I suppose.. your dad does sound very similar to my mum. I wish she'd get herself some help or something as you're right, there's just nothing I can do to change things.

Thanks so much again, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not totally alone x

I’m sorry that this is how you are being treated during what should be such a happy time for you! It sounds like the best thing you can do is enjoy your pregnancy, your little family with your partner and take a step back from your family. If they want to be involved and share your happiness, they need to apologise and make the effort. And if they don’t, I think it will be hard to take because it sounds like although they don’t treat you the way they should, you still love them. But in time, you will be happier in your little bubble. I hope you get the happiness you deserve

I can completely understand where your coming from. I’m 22 and I’m now 13 weeks pregnant.
I’m keeping this a secret from my parents!
They’re extremely strict and I have never been close to them.. if they even find out they will kick me out. So in a month or so I’ll be moving out with my boyfriend before they realise. They are Muslim, and I’m not married, so they wouldn’t accept the baby.
It is extremely hard, not even being able to speak to my mum and get advice from her.
But you just have to be strong, It will all be worth it, you’ll have your own baby, and your own family to focus on

@Mummyinlove09 thank you so much for your reply, you're absolutely right it's so hard because I try to still see the best in people even when they're giving me every reason not to but I am drawing a line now, I have to for the sake of my own little family! I appreciate your words so much, it really does help 

@Amjk thank you for your reply! It means so much that people are getting back to me as it's such a hard time and not really anywhere else to turn I suppose... I'm sorry to hear you are also in a tough situation, but you are absolutely right we all have to be strong and do our best for our own little families, that's all that matters! I really hope things work out for you

My mother is a raging narcissist and just simply insane. Made my pregnancies all about herself even though I was extremely unwell. Same with my MMC. Liked to act the doting grandparent but couldn't have done less.
Honestly No Contact is the way to go or it will start to ruin your life and impact your child. My eldest is only little still and really struggled the past year with her extreme behaviour and kicking off. Cutting her out was the only option unfortunately (or fortunately) we have felt much better since.

Good luck whatever you choose you have my sympathy it is a very difficult situation

I am sorry you have to put up with this from your parents, you sound lovely and you deserve better. I agree with others about no contact, or at the very least minimal contact and no expectations of anything other than continued inappropriate behaviour on their part. It's sad but you'll just be set up for constant disappointment. Your mum isn't able to enjoy a normal happy relationship but you are, and you are starting out on a new narcissist free family life.

I am sorry for what you have gone through at work . It sounds so tough. I have a friend who has been visiting care homes in a professional capacity during covid and she seems traumatised too.

Thank you so much everyone for your comments, it's been really reassuring and helped me realise what needs to be done and as such i will definitely be lessening the contact.

@Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily and @Inkpaperstars thank you for your replies, it has made the world of difference and I'm glad i finally decided to post here after a lot of thought and deliberation over if i should or not.

Fortunately this has been made easy for me as my mum still hasn't contacted me regarding the pregnancy. I can't help but be relieved at this but as i said, also worried of what message is to come. But after a lot of research and reading, I've learned that messages can't hurt me, only if i choose to let them.

On a positive note, we saw our baby today on a scan and it honestly put everything in perspective, this is all that matters.

I hope this thread can also be of some help to others experiencing similar problems, it really is a tough time and it never really gets easier, its a journey of emotions and strength.

Hi everyone,

Thought I'd just come back and give an update, things have been super tough, I'm running out of places to turn and unfortunately I don't have a positive update to give in most aspects.

I'd just like to say that i would have liked to shared all the stories that have happened between this original post and now, but some of it may be outing as its very specific and a few people are aware of it. So all the below is basically only the tip of the iceberg.

Since this post, things got worse. I have been made into a villain and my mother is now a certified victim of the situation. I had no idea narcissists were so clever. So i sent the announcement card and my mum proceeded to ignore it for weeks and sent me the odd message about random things (knowing I'd be too scared to ignore her but also scared to bring up the pregnancy). I had grief off other members of the family telling me I'd done the wrong thing etc and i was being unfair, i since realise this is because she had been ringing them up and telling them false information that i had been horrible to her etc.

Time goes on and we manage the odd civil conversation, she didn't ask about baby at all until i was about 22 weeks. But apparently this is acceptable according to the rest of my family. I say the odd civil conversation because usually anything i tell her regarding the pregnancy or my life turns sinister very quickly. I tell her what we're planning to buy and she only has bad things to say etc, things like that. I am scared to speak to her about my life basically.

Fast forward a few weeks and she has told me on a few occasions she's not interested in the gender reveal or basically anything we;'re doing in regards to the baby. My other family also thinking this is acceptable and that, once again, i am to blame and should just let it go.

I'm writing here because the latest thing is that i am trying not to step on land mines with the woman. I cant do right from wrong and she's really got me cornered and everyone on her side. So we came up with a name, i had to tip toe around asking her if she wanted to be first to know to make her feel special, or if she wanted to join in on the guessing game we have planned for our families closer to the due date. Surprisingly, she's told me she's not interested and will find out when he's born. BUT, she keeps hounding me that our unborn son should have a double barrelled surname (because she doesn't like my partner/baby's dad basically, for no reason either.) and its got me feeling like a puppet on a string again. I don't want to double barrel his surname, as me and my partner are intending to get married in the next couple of years but we wanted a baby first for a few reasons.

I'm so cross that yet another thing we should be enjoying has been taken from me and made into something negative by her, because she wants to control the situation as usual. I cant even speak to my siblings about it because they're always on her side, and I couldn't even begin to explain to friends because you have to see this behaviour to believe it quite frankly. Only those with narcissist parents will get it.

I would love to lessen contact and just be estranged to be honest, but i cant do that, my sisters wont allow it and i want to keep my relationship with them, we;ve always been close but we just cant agree on mother so we try not to bring it up anymore. Even my dad doesn't see how she's really treating me. I feel so closed off and I don't want to keep putting it on my partner, its not nice for him either as he knows my mum is deliberately being nasty towards him. I'm so upset. I just wish there was an easy way to end this.

I'm not sure what i want from this, maybe just another hand hold or to know its not just me in this situation.
At least i will know how not to treat my son in future, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

I'd also like to add that my mum has always picked her victims in this family, she usually gives grief to one of us but I've always stuck up for my siblings, whereas they wont do the same for me (out of fear mostly) it wont take long for her to turn on one of them, but she's cleverly making me the villain and treating them all with love and kindness etc (for the first time in their lives, just to get at me) and they're falling for it. It's so upsetting that a mother could behave this way.

Your mother is a bitch and is not going to stop being a bitch and she is going to be a bitch to your DC. Do you want that? It doesn't matter what your sister wants, you need to do what is best for you and your new family.

Block your mother and tell all her flying monkeys that you don't want her name mentioned. She has power because no one has taken it away from her. Take the power back. If you cannot block her, every time she phones and roars or fights just say I am going to hang up because you are not respecting me and then hang up. She will either cut you off (woohoo if she does) or she will learn to wind her neck in and not attack you for no reason.

The day I learnt that no matter what I did my mother was never going to be happy it was like a huge weight had lifted. YOU CANNOT MAKE HER HAPPY BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO. SHE WANTS TO MAKE YOU SUFFER BECAUSE SHE IS A BITCH.

Look after yourself, stop sharing information with her, do not tell her your due date or when you go into labour etc because she will only make your special time about her.

Thank you so much @Mawi , I think I definitely need to hear that. I feel sorry for her and get myself trapped time and time again, just never learn my lesson- then the added pressure from everyone else puts me right back under her control.

I definitely do not want her influence on my boy, she ruined my childhood and I suffer the consequences still to this day, I won't have that for him.

I guess I just have to do the right thing for me and if the rest of my family care at all they will support me x

Mawi is right. You can’t please your mother, unfortunately, and your ‘role’ in her eyes is to be the scapegoat.

All of the examples you’ve listed are simply nuts. Your mother sounds unhinged. I have a narcissistic parent and they’re much more subtle in their behaviour. I think you should treat this as an opportunity to go no contact. Her actions are sadly telling you she doesn’t want anything to do with you - you’d be more than entitled to take her on her word.

You have a beautiful new baby coming and a lovely little family of your own. You’re blameless in this situation and if your sister decides to side with your mother (out of fear) well, that’s her loss. You could let your sister know that the door is open should she come to her senses in future. Best of luck, and remember, you’ve done nothing wrong. You were just very unlucky with the family you got. But you have the gift of your own perfect little family now- so focus on them!

By the way, your mum’s behaviours are likely to stem from her fear that in becoming a mother with a child of your own you will no longer be under her thumb. She fears losing control over you so she is deliberately setting out to show her disapproval of all of your decisions relating to your baby. She wants you to run around after her, tying yourself into knots to please her, when actually, if she were a proper mother she would support your decisions and be worrying about you! You’ll never have a normal relationship wi to someone like this as it’s always a power struggle. Don’t let her ruin your family, your opportunity to have the family you were sadly denied

I know it is hard, believe me I do but you have to protect yourself. It took me years to realise, I wish I had mumsnet when I was younger and had someone to point out to me that there was nothing I could do to make it better. I felt sorry for her too. Have no idea why other than I was trained to put her feelings first.

I am now free and since I became free of her I am happier, my DH is happier and my DC are happier. I didn't even realise how miserable I was until I wasn't anymore iykwim. Honestly, DH says it is like living with a different person. You deserve happiness, your DP deserves happiness and your DS deserves happiness.

You are an adult, you need to make your own decisions. What your sisters will allow or not allow is not of your concern. This woman adds nothing to your life but negativity and stress, why would you invite that in? Stop telling her stuff, you don’t need her approval, nor will you ever get it.
Walk away and do it sooner rather than later.

And good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

As someone who cut off a narcissistic parent and their enabler in April I would strongly encourage you to do the same. Early parenthood is hard enough without your mum to deal with too. You also need to think about the effect on your DC in the future and the example you are setting of relationships.

You are not just her child you are going to be a parent now and this will sound harsh but you really need to discover your backbone. If she doesn't add anything positive to your life(she doesn't if she can't be happy for you) then cut her out. As for your sisters, if they can't stick up for you then they too aren't worth the effort. Who knows you cutting your mum off maybe the catalyst they need to deal with her shitty behaviour. By constantly brushing her behaviour under the table you are pandering to her.

You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy, by trying to get her involved you are putting stress onto yourself. She won't be happy for you ever. She doesn't sound like a loving mum, you may have had to put up with her whilst growing up but you don't as an adult. Stop looking for her approval because you won't ever get it. Do not let her taint your life further. Focus on your own little family and being the parent you want to be.

I realise that my post probably does sound harsh butbit comes from a good place. I have seen my cousin go through something similar to you and each time she fails to get her mum's love and approval it breaks her that much more. She has evenly gone nc and is all the better for it. In this situation you really need to be solid with your partner and have a good support system around yourself. It won't be easy but you can do it. Wishingbyou a happy, healthy pregnancy x

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother, I have been in similar situations before and have so much sympathy for what your going through.

One thing that puts things in perspective for me is thinking how do I want my son to view me and my relationships with others? Do I want him to see that people think it's ok to allow others to treat his mother this way ?

I think you need an honest conversation with your sisters telling them your priority is now your own family (partner and child) and that you want them to be part of their nephews life however until things change this won't involve your mother. If they care about you they will finally be accepting of this within time and if now sadly you may just be better moving forward. I had a really close relationship with my moms family but after she passed my nan did exactly the same as your mom does and I had to step back away from that side of the family. It took me months of counselling but I finally realised "I am worth more!" Please consider how you want your future to look, who's the most important to you and what you need to do to keep them safe from this behaviour x

Supporting everything that has been said above.

My mum is also a mad woman with some serious issues but everybody is scared of her so accommodate her behaviour.
I made a point of living on the other side of earth, building my life and living it the way i want and when she disapproved of my choices i basically used to ask her what she did right in her life to be so sure that the way i live mine is not good enough. Always calm and nice but really speaking to her like an adult would.
These people are broken inside and eternally unhappy and dissatisfied. They will hurt you endlessly and without feeling any emotions trust me.
Your mother doesn't think like you. She is sick.
You need to stop trying to please as tbh it sounds a bit masochist what you put yourself through just to try to make her happy. But i see why you do it.
Your sisters are selfish bitches too. Sorry but this is the truth. When my twin brother had too much of my mum and cut all ties few years back i never blamed him or anything. I supported him in his choice. I knew he was right to do so. And guess what SHE came back after 4 years trying to have a relationship with him again. Still mental and bitchy and manipulative but my brother doesn't need her and she knows that so she can never go too far with him or at least never to his face. It's just civil conversations and the odd visit every 2 years.
As someone said before you need to find your backbone. As harsh as it sounds. It will save you.

Stop inflicting yourself pain. Leave her to her sad life. Live yours. Have your own healthy family life. Let your sisters and other family members disapprove talk and hate. They are being manipulated and are too stupid to realise. And it's really not about them anyway.
This is about YOU and your future baby.
You don't need to sacrifice yourself to please everyone.

It's hard at first to go against someone like that but with time you will feel soooo much better. Relieved. Proud of yourself and what you have accomplished. You will stop doubting yourself and feeling so miserable. Trust me. I talk from experience.

What's worse about a horrible person in your family is when people defend them. They might just be trying to keep the peace but they just cause more issues and don't realise the effects it has on you.

I don't have as bad a situation as you. I wouldn't say my parent is a narcissist but just selfish and controlling sometimes.

Sorry, you're going through this. It's hard to cut people off, especially close family as you grew up with them and they had an influence on your life.

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for all your advice and kind/helpful words, even the harsher ones- they needed to be heard.
I will no longer be speaking to my mother and have explained to my other family why this is and that my door is open if they want to see sense.
My unborn son means more to me than anything and I can't be the best version of myself with her tormenting me 24/7.

I wish I could say this will be a happy Christmas but I'm exhausted from being a key worker and drained from having someone try to destroy my happiness and me letting them succeed up until now.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a better 2021.

Thank you all again it is appreciated beyond words x x

Hi OP,

I hope you managed to enjoy some of Christmas! Just think this time next year you will be enjoying it with your little one. I'm glad to hear you are prioritising yourself and your baby.

I hope the family have been good to you x

My dad always told me just because someone is family doesn't mean they automatically deserve respect they still have to earn it by being a decent human being. Pregnancy is tough enough without being around negative people. I think if I was you I would cut all ties and look after your own little family. It will be tough but eventually I'm sure a huge wave of relief will hit and you'll know you did the right thing. Also you don't want their negative narcissistic personalities round a child of any age.

Congratulations on your pregnancy be sure to look after yourself 😊

Hi @firsttimemamax I'm sorry to read all this. I'm glad you decided to cut contact. I've been going through something with my dad and a friend of mine simply said when you've got your own little family you won't have time or care about the rest of this, if people want to be involved and be kind then by all means, the door is open, if not they don't deserve a place in your life.

You can absolutely try to maintain a relationship with other family members and say to them if your mum wants to be kind then she is welcome but anything unpleasant is not wanted, then they can see you are being perfectly reasonable.

Enjoy your pregnancy, and look forward to what's to come ❤️