Do we NEED to tell dc's mum?

[namechange092020]

Having a discussion with my DP earlier about how I would like to reveal to family (if and when) that we are expecting. We always like to throw ideas about and we got thinking about how we would reveal to my DHs dc.

We have a nice plan in place but it got me thinking about do WE have to tell dc's mum, or do we just leave it for dc to do that?

Dc is almost a teenager, and knows their mum hates whatever we do in our life. She always says whatever we do, regardless if we have dc or not, to run it past her in case she needs to swap our contact days. She is always aggressive to me and always puts me down, and whenever DH sticks up for me, she turns herself into the victim. She will also say that our baby has everything to do with her (not a hope in hell. It will be a sibling for my stepchild - no other involvement to the rest of their family)

We personally don't want to tell her, I'd let DC tell her, but I want to do the right thing. I know there will be snide remarks, Jibes and all other crap to go along with it.

I'd be interested in hearing from others that have been in the same situation, and any advice anyone can pass on.

I'm not here for an argument, I'm not here to put down dc's mum, I'm here for help and to tell the truth.

Sorry just to clarify, are you pregnant now?

Bit confused are you pregnant

No, you don’t have to tell her. In fact, you definitely shouldn’t. But also don’t borrow trouble or worry as you’re not pregnant yet!

Yes I would just get dp to drop her a factual text..

WE str having a baby, DC is beentold this weekend.. no drama no invite for a conversation about it..

Are you sure she's doing and saying these things? How much of this is coming through your ex second hand?

Some men love to play the crazy ex card, but the reality is most mums are working far too hard being the primary carer to give their ex much thought.

I recently told my 6yo DD I’m pregnant, dad of baby is DP, not DD’s dad. Earlier the same day I messaged DD’s dad to say “Just to let you know I’m going to be sharing some news with DD today, I’m pregnant”. He replied congratulations. We do have an amicable relationship though, although his new DP isn’t really my biggest fan (e.g. she thinks we send each other too many photos of DD on WhatsApp), I’m actually hoping that the fact I’m pregnant might help her relax a bit.

I think it would be decent to give her a heads up. Your step-child is 12? They are likely to have conflicting emotions which she may bear the brunt of, because your step-child may feel they need to hide any negative feelings at the “announcement”.

Your H should do this without you.

@HeddaGarbled

I think it would be decent to give her a heads up. Your step-child is 12? They are likely to have conflicting emotions which she may bear the brunt of, because your step-child may feel they need to hide any negative feelings at the “announcement”.

Your H should do this without you.

This. My DP was all for letting his DD announce my pregnancy to her Mum but I told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to step up and tell her himself. She might have been shocked and unable to hide her response, and that would've potentially changed how DSD felt about the news herself.

So he told ex himself, and it meant they could both support DSD in her response to the news.

Totally agree with @DontBeShelfish and @HeddaGarbled

The primary concern is your stepchild so I think your husband should be telling both his child and the child’s mother so that she can support the child if they are finding it difficult. There’s no need for you to be involved in telling the ex.

I don’t think you should leave it to dc to tell her so you can avoid the backlash as it’s quite possible he will get it. I would go through with your plans and then in the evening or morning ask dp to send a text telling her and that dc has just been told.

Agree with pp that you shouldnt leave it upto the child to tell her.

Tell your stepchild in person youre expecting, and at the same time text the mum letting her know. Your baby will be her childs sibling, of course she should be told.

However, youre not even pregant yet. Dont worry about things that may not happen!

I would tell your stepchild during your contact time and text the mother around the same time to give her the heads up. It’s not fair on your stepchild to have to be in the middle of their parents’ emotions about it. Also be prepared for the fact that it might not be the same exciting event for your stepchild that it is for you so better for their mother to know in advance to have digested the news (assuming she has the need to, as she might well expect the announcement and not be at all concerned).

My partner has a 6yr son. We had first scan and it fell between contact times but we thought it wouldn’t look good if someone else heard about it and told them do partner FaceTimes his son and showed him scan photo and said you’ll be a big brother soon and then when finished talking to his son got him to pass phone to his mum and just said letting you know we having a baby in December and that was that. His ex can be pain at times but think she appreciated being told directly and before other people might have told her. At end of the day her son having a sibling so it is life changing for them.

Id planned to tell my children first and text their dad to let him know, something along the lines of wanted you to hear the news from me, rather than the kids. We dont have a good relationship, and i didnt want him making negative comments before id had a chance to tell my kids myself. As it turned out with the pandemic i ended up taking 4 weeks off work and i started showing really early, so the news got back to him before the 12 weeks scan. Which was when we'd planned to tell the children.

If you are concerned about doing the right thing, your husband should tell her in person or on the phone at least. Letting the DC tell her is definitely not the right way to go about things regardless of how the relationship is.

DC is your DSD?

Anyway, you are giving an awful lot of thought to something that hasn't even happened. I would not involve the parent of a teenager though. Surely her dad can tell her and that's all that needs to happen. Younger children are different.

Can you work on the wider blended family dynamic before bringing another child into it?

We told our kids when they were with us and texted their other parents after that so the kids found out first and everyone got a chance to process any emotions, ask questions etc before putting on their game face for the kids.

Definitely prewarn DSC mum. To not is really really lazy parenting on your DPs part. DSC shouldn’t be doing the job for him.

There doesn’t have to be drama- what others have suggested to text is fine.

Definitely prewarn DSC mum. To not is really really lazy parenting on your DPs part.

DSC shouldn’t be doing the job for him.

Why does she need to be told? Why is it a 'job' that needs doing?

@ChickenwingChickenwing the DC will have their own emotions to process they don’t need their mum’s live unfiltered reaction too.

No you don't have to tell her. Of course her teen child will tell her when they go home in this hyperthitical situation.

No, it's none of her business. DC can tell her. Any shit you get from it just reply with, we don't want this around our family.

the DC will have their own emotions to process they don’t need their mum’s live unfiltered reaction too.

The D.C. will be a teenager and if the mum is so shit a parent as to give unfiltered emotion she will do it regardless of who tells her. It's not her business though. When you are co parenting young children it's very different.

*unfiltered reaction