Do we NEED to tell dc's mum?

[namechange092020]

Having a discussion with my DP earlier about how I would like to reveal to family (if and when) that we are expecting. We always like to throw ideas about and we got thinking about how we would reveal to my DHs dc.

We have a nice plan in place but it got me thinking about do WE have to tell dc's mum, or do we just leave it for dc to do that?

Dc is almost a teenager, and knows their mum hates whatever we do in our life. She always says whatever we do, regardless if we have dc or not, to run it past her in case she needs to swap our contact days. She is always aggressive to me and always puts me down, and whenever DH sticks up for me, she turns herself into the victim. She will also say that our baby has everything to do with her (not a hope in hell. It will be a sibling for my stepchild - no other involvement to the rest of their family)

We personally don't want to tell her, I'd let DC tell her, but I want to do the right thing. I know there will be snide remarks, Jibes and all other crap to go along with it.

I'd be interested in hearing from others that have been in the same situation, and any advice anyone can pass on.

I'm not here for an argument, I'm not here to put down dc's mum, I'm here for help and to tell the truth.

Chickenwing the ex should be told because it will affect her.

If OP was in labour with the hypothetical baby when DSD needed collecting for contact, would he leave OP? What about problems during preganancy, hospital admissions? OPs partner would be with OP, and the ex picks up the slack with their DC.

If their is any change that will affect either parent, or the child, they should be told. Its basic respect and keeps things civil.

When my last baby was born, DPs ex dropped their son off and came in for cuddles with the baby. It was nice for son to see that his everyone was ok and happy with the situation.

the ex should be told because it will affect her.

Her own teenager can tell her though.

If OP was in labour with the hypothetical baby when DSD needed collecting for contact, would he leave OP?

Given the DSC will be a teenager then it would be ridiculous to suggest the father would leave his labouring partner. Teens can be left at home/use public transport/call their own mum themselves etc etc depending on circs.

What about problems during preganancy, hospital admissions

What about them? Surely the teenager could stay home with their father if that's where they were staying at the time. Or go back to their mum if that suited? It's not a huge deal.

OPs partner would be with OP, and the ex picks up the slack with their DC.

Picks up the slack? Get a grip. You are turning this into a situation about the DSC mum and it's not even close to being about her.

I think it would be nice to tell her, but not respond to any debate

DS's Dad didn't tell me when his wife was pregnant - DS was 4. He was confused about it all and upset, me not knowing didnt help as I couldn't talk him through it when he was home. He got over it, but I think it was a pretty crap move of his Dad to not think about the impact it would have on DS with no support from me.

Agree with @ChickenwingChickenwing

I just don’t see why you’d have a problem with drafting a quick text to be honest. What does it cost you?

We thought we were doing the mature thing by telling DSC's mum in a text that we'd told him he was going to be a big brother, and she replied saying it's none of her business. I think there's never going to be a correct answer in these scenarios, but just do what you think is best.

Chickenwing your own repsonse is that the DC should call their mum or go back to there mums if theres problems with the pregnancy/ baby.

You cant say that then say its nothing to do with the mum!

Its actually sad how many people are unwilling or unable to put the child first and co-parent.

your own repsonse is that the DC should call their mum or go back to there mums if theres problems with the pregnancy/ baby.

If they needed to go home, that's reasonable. I also said they could stay at the dads house if they didn't need to go home.

You cant say that then say its nothing to do with the mum!

This is a huge leap in terms of what I said and how involved the parent of a teenager needs to be when their ex had a new baby.

Its actually sad how many people are unwilling or unable to put the child first and co-parent.

I ALWAYS put the child first. Every. Single. Time. The teenager mentioning to their mum that dad is having a baby isn't a lack of co parenting or not putting the child first though.

@PheasantPlucker1 not sure if you have a read op's comment on how unreasonable the mother is. Co-parenting takes 2 and she isn't like that why should OP put up with her shit and ruin her own happy time?

And what if the mother tells the child and ruins the surprise as she sounds nasty.....

It really is not a childs responsibility to tell a parent that their ex wife/ hisband is having a baby.

If two people are co-parenting, why would they not mention a huge change they are planning to make to their childs life?

It isnt OPs responsibility at all, its the fathers.

Second as I and lots of people said the best solution maybe just to send a text then ignore any theatrics.

If the ex is that unreasonable, its all the more reason not to leave it to the child! Why should a child have to deal with the fallout if one parent is psycho and one cant be arsed?

@PheasantPlucker1

It really is not a childs responsibility to tell a parent that their ex wife/ hisband is having a baby.

If two people are co-parenting, why would they not mention a huge change they are planning to make to their childs life?

Did you read the OP?

The mother isn't co parenting she is being an arsehole. Also, the child will be a teenager by the time any baby arrives and co parenting a teen is different to co parenting a younger child. Teenagers are allowed to pass information. It's got piss all to do with the mother anyway.

If the ex is that unreasonable, its all the more reason not to leave it to the child! Why should a child have to deal with the fallout if one parent is psycho and one cant be arsed?

It has NOTHING to do with the ex. NOTHING. If the mother chooses to go 'psycho' over her ex having a baby then she is absolutely in the wrong, not the ex

The mum might have perfectly valid questions about contact, bedrooms, potential reduction in maintenance.

I told my ex and asked if he wanted to be the childcare for during the birth (and be ‘on call’) or whether he’d be happier me lining up other ppl. DC are only 12- if you had to go to hospital at 2am life would be much easier if the ex is on board for all parties, particularly the child. My DH’s ex wanted to know about maintenance and whether contact would be disrupted and when- DH usually does pick up abc drop off and she’s since offered to bring SDC to us shortly after which is lovely.

I just don’t see how sending a quick text is such an issue. Of course it affects her if it affects her child- I’m sure when your hypothetical baby is 12 you’ll have at least a passing interest in who is in their family

I have a fairly good relationship with ds dad an his partner i wouldn't expect then to tell me its not my business ds would probably tell me an i never told them when I was pregnant with dd altho they we r Facebook friends so they knew from that.

Chickenwing theres no mention of how the two parents get along in the OP. All it says is OP doesnt like the ex. My Exs new girlfriend hates me, me and ex still get on absolutely fine without her knowing

theres no mention of how the two parents get along in the OP. All it says is OP doesnt like the ex.

Yeah; right enough.....

She always says whatever we do, regardless if we have dc or not, to run it past her in case she needs to swap our contact days. She is always aggressive to me and always puts me down, and whenever DH sticks up for me, she turns herself into the victim.

Chickenwing I think reading of that situation hinges a lot of how one defines "aggresive". That could mean anything from physically violent, to just snide comments.

Regardless, if OP and her boyfriemd decide this is none of the exs business then lets at least hope it wont affect her in changes of contact or maintenance, and OP has another babysitter lined up for her hypothetical labour.

@PheasantPlucker1 I think you need to read posts properly before commenting. This isn't the first time I've seen your name pop up in such a way.

I have read the post

Im still of the opinion that as they do seem to have contact and speak, they should be informing each other of major life changing events in their childs life.

Most seem to agree.

@ChickenwingChickenwing

If the ex is that unreasonable, its all the more reason not to leave it to the child! Why should a child have to deal with the fallout if one parent is psycho and one cant be arsed?

It has NOTHING to do with the ex. NOTHING. If the mother chooses to go 'psycho' over her ex having a baby then she is absolutely in the wrong, not the ex

It does if her child is gaining a half sibling and it might impact on contact etc. No excuse for going 'psycho' but there is still an interest there.